Top 11 Chris Morris Life Lessons

With today being Chris Morris's birthday, a true friend and all around bum-fiend, I have decided to celebrate his special day with a Top 11 list in his honor.

Words of wisdom.

11. Eleven is better than ten
Back in the day, I used to write a Top Ten list in each RFC Newsletter and 'Zine, until one day when Mr. Christopher Jesse Troy Morris informed me that ten was over and eleven was the new number of extreme importance.

10. Your face is mostly ice
One time, while at the Toucan I commented about how my Coke from McDonald's seemed like a rip off because it was mostly ice.  Chris then let me know that my face is, in fact, mostly ice.

9. Powder Blue suits will forever be in style
If you have somewhere formal to be, like a wedding, a funeral, or a wall to be thrown through on Hallowe'en then it's best to have a power blue suit.

8. It's okay to touch a woman's breasts without permission if her shirt is glow-in-the-dark
One of the first times Chris met the girl I eventually married was in a shitty club called the Cocamo.  She was wearing a t-shirt with a glow-in-the-dark Betty Boop on it.  He saw this and poked her in the boobies while giggling.  He's still one of my best friends.

7. Sharbot Lake and Girlfriends are for chumps

Note: Chris' hands aren't shown in this picture, as he's molesting me.

This really goes without saying.

6. Your face is a fucking pencil 
One time, while at the Toucan we were having Chicken Parm and there was a contest ballot you could get with each pint you bought, but I didn't have a pencil.  When I disgruntled about how I didn't have a fucking pencil on me, Chris informed me that my face is actually a fucking pencil.

5. My sofa is not safe
If you have a sofa, and you really like it, don't allow Chris anywhere near it.  I ended up destroying that thing with a kitchen knife and I couldn't get the hepatitis C out of it.

4. Any time is a good time to sing "Purple Rain" or "Lean On Me"
But the best time is in the Pita Pit.

3. Your face is a salt shaker
One time, while at the Toucan we were having Chicken Parm and it needed some salt.  So I asked Chris to pass the salt shaker, in which I was then enlightened to know that my face is actually a salt shaker.

2. It is possible to drink forever and ever, amen
St. Patty's Day.  2002.  The greatest drinking day of all time.

1.  The Vagina Diagram
Chris once drew me a cunnilingus diagram.  This was either in 1998 or 1999.  I have done my best to reproduce it in Photoshop, but nothing can quite replace the original.

It's not really to scale.

Happy birthday, you goddam son of a bitch.

- ryan