Cobra Commander Is The Man

Cobra Commander is the leader of the ruthless terrorist organization known as Cobra. You probably could've guessed that from his name. He orders his troop from behind a mask, hidden to even his own evil soldiers. I've never been pro-army, so even as a kid I cheered for Cobra to win. Cobra never won though, it was always G.I. Joe that saved the day. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not pro-terrorist. But when it comes to cartoon violence, the Cobra dudes were just way cooler than the Joes (with the exception of Beach Head). So let's see why Cobra Commander is the man, and why he rules over Cobra with his awesomeness.

The Many Faces of Cobra Commander
Cobra Commander is mostly recognized by his blue helmet/silver faceplate combination. Many Joes have looked into the reflection of fear when having come face-to-face with the leader of Cobra. The hooded Cobra Commander was more prominently seen in the G.I. Joe comic book from the 80s. He was creepier that way. That was the first Cobra Commander toy I had as a kid, and you had to mail-away to get him. I had it for almost twenty years, until just recently when it fell apart and I lost a piece of it while moving.

Many kids in the late 80s got a toy of Cobra Commander in a silver battlesuit. It was a cool costume, but it might as well have been Darth Vader. This suit was battle ready, and put Cobra Commander out on the front lines with his minions. Lastly, is Cobra Commander's true visage. We saw it in the G.I. Joe movie, when the Commander was transformed into a snake. As a kid, seeing Cobra Commander's real face was monumental. It was one of the defining moments of the 80s. Where were you when Cobra Commander showed his real face goes hand in hand with Where were you when JR Ewing was shot?

Cobra Commander's TV Show!
Running a ruthless terrorist organization is all work and no play. So, believe it or not, Cobra Commander took some time off to have his own cooking show. Imagine Rachael Ray, but with a big friggin' blue helmet on, rasping out phrases like "Let's go see how our lasagna is doing!" Sure, Cooking With Cobra, La La La only lasted a handful of episodes, but it wasn't Cobra Commander's fault. He did his best. It was the Joe-supporting American television audience that wouldn't give him a chance. Maybe if there was more budget invested into Cobra Commander and his great cooking vision.

Cobra Commander only made one other TV appearance, and that was as Kelly's co-host on the Regis and Kelly show when Regis was sick. That doesn't include his numerous broadcast interruptions announcing that he was taking over the world.

Leader of the Stooges

Being the leader of Cobra means that you get to boss around people like Destro, Baronness, Dr. Mindbender, and those twins who kick ass. And if those flunkies can't do the job right, you just call up Zartan to pick up the pieces.
Cobra Commander wasn't always in charnge of Cobra. Destro, who was pretty much the right hand man to Cobra Commander, back-stabbed our boy in blue with the aid of Dr. Mindbender and they created Serpentor to rule over Cobra. Apparently they didn't think The Commander was doing a good enough job. Fucking unions....

Just when Serpentor was finally getting comfortable in his throne, along comes Golobulous (voiced by Burgess Fucking Meredith!) who was the alien creator of Cobra. But a lot of things happened in that G.I. Joe movie that don't make any sense at all.

Some people think the Commander is a pussy. I wouldn't say that though. I've always considered The Commander's "cowardness" to be just a good understanding of when he's lost. He knows when the fight is no longer going to go his way, so he packs up and regroups. There's always another fight. You win some, you lose some. And I think that's what Destro couldn't get his silver little head around. That's why he had to go and create Serpentor with that fool Mindbender. Deep down Destro and Mindbender were very afraid of Cobra Commander. Well, you know what? FUCK DESTRO!

"Was Once A Man..."
Cobra Commander has a very distinctive voice. In fact, the only other voice like his is Starscream from the Transformers. After listening to the Commander talk, even just for a couple minutes, you'll be doing your best to impersonate him. I personally would like to see Cobra Commander record an album and show off his true vocal range. I'm sure big-name music folks like Timbaland, Jay-Z, and Gerardo are just lining up to work with the Commander. I wouldn't be surprized at all if Cobra Commander shouted out some disses at Destro in a Top 40 rap song.

"Yo Destro, the Baronness called
She's eff-ing me tonight cause you're too bald
You silver headed moron, I can't even stand her
But every bitch loves The Cobra Commander!"

So hopefully you've gained a new-found appreciation of Cobra Commander. I know I'm going to have a hard time replacing my broken/lost action figure for anything less than fifty or sixty bucks. Maybe I'll finally hunt down the original Commander action figure with the face plate. It's the one I've wanted since I was a kid.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Superman French Fries

les patates frites du superman!

There are days that I wonder what is so special about being Canadian. Sure, we have national healthcare and gun control. We invented hockey and don't start wars with anyone. Big deal. If you ask me, the best part about growing up in Canada was the luxury of eating Superman French Fries.

Yup, Superman French Fries. The Man of Steel was no stranger to food tie-ins, having already had his own amazing brand of peanut butter, but these fries were only available in Canada. Funny, considering Superman stands for "Truth, Justice, and the American Way."

Essentially, these were just frozen french fries, similar to McCain Superfries but they had something else very special. You could instantly win a Super Powers action figure. Now, in the early 80s those Super Powers toys were the shit. And I mean quite possibly the best toys ever made. You'd push Superman's legs together and he would punch. Squeeze together the arms of The Flash and his legs would run. Robin would chop, etc, etc. And here you could get a fucking free action figure just for eating french fries! Goddam!

Looking back on the potato slices, I'm always kinda surprized that the Metropolis French Fry Corporation would need Superman to endorse their product. I mean, kids already like french fries. It's not like parents have a hard time getting their kids to eat them. Not like spinach, which needed Popeye as a spokesperson. Why didn't Superman endorse All Bran or rice cakes? When I was a kid, I would've eaten anything Superman solicited.

"Hello youngster. Try this super-flavored bowl of shit puffs!"
"Sure thing Superman! You're the greatest!"

On the back of the fry bag you could even save up UPC labels to mail-away for a free Clark Kent action figure.

Now get this: the only way to get that Clark Kent figure was in the mail. You couldn't go to the nearest Consumers Distributing and expect to find a Clark Kent figure on the shelf, no sir. Remember when you were a kid how excited you'd get if some mail came for you? I used to mail away for special G.I. Joe toys all the time, and when they came to the door it was always the happiest moment of my life. Getting a Kent toy in the mail was like having Superman come to your house for your birthday party.

I'm sad to say I never mailed away for the Clark Kent figure. And to this day I've still never gotten my hands on one.

these are obviously fake

As for the actual french fries in the bag... meh. They just taste like french fries. But, they WERE crinkle cut fries. Long after Superman French Fries were gone I'd still ask my mom to buy Crinkle Cut Fries. Maybe they just give me great memories. My wife doesn't care so much for crinkle cut fries, and she also thought Christopher Reeve was a terrible actor. Just sayin'...

I also have vivid memories of cutting Superman out of the bag and using that little piece of garbage as a toy. We weren't poor, and I had a Superman figure, but for some reason I liked playing with the cut-out from the bag. Maybe it was my first attempts at being crafty.

Lastly, I really think my mother used to tell me if I ate my Superman French Fries that I'd be strong like Superman. And these days, I could really go for a frozen bag of those super memories.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 Co-Hosts

It's no secret that I've always wanted to have my own talk show on TV. I was a huge fan of Regis & Kathie Lee back in the early 90s. Sometimes I would even fake sick so I could stay home from school to watch it. So if I were offered my own talk show, I'd need a wicked awesome co-host. And here are eleven possible co-hosts that I'd be proud to share my TV show with.

	#11 - Cyndi Lauper Name of the show: Talk After Talk If Cyndi were my co-host we'd have all kinds of good guests. We'd do a special Goonies reunion episode, and even bring out Captain Lou Albano for some old fashioned rubber band games. Rubber bands are the coolest thing since Max Headrom.
	#10 - Herbie The Love Bug Name of the show: Back Seat Babble Herbie and I would turn this talk show into more of a "Pimp My Ride" type show, where we take old cars and re-do them so hot chicks like Lindsay Lohan will drive them.
	#9 - Count Chocula Name of the show: The Darkest Hour... with Ryan & Count Chocula Chocula and I would do a show all about the hot Hollywood gossip. We'd take a look at celebrity scandals, and who is having babies in tinsel town. Every audience member would get a bag of the Count's marshmallows. Look closely and you'll even see Frankenberry leading our band before each commercial break.
	#8 - Jake "The Snake" Roberts Name of the show: The DDT Show Picture it. Jake "The Snake" Roberts, a former WWF wrestler who turned to God after retirement, and me getting drunk and reading the bible. Offensive? Maybe. But it wouldn't last long anyway. After forty seconds of listening to a drunk Jake talk, you'll be turning the channel. "In a cashino, yoush should gamfble."
	#7 - Ronald Reagan Name of the show: Rockin' With Ryan n' Ronnie True, Mr. Reagan may have passed away, but for the TV show we'd have a psychic channel him into the studio. Or I'd just get Carrot Top to dress up as Ronnie, if the psychic is sick that day. And if the Carrot Top AND the psychic were sick on the same day, I'd just splice in old footage from Ronnie's movies and public adresses.
	#6 - Rue McClanahan Name of the show: Thank You For Being Our Guest First and foremost, I would get Rue to convince us all that The Golden Palace show never happened, and that Golden Girls ended on a positive note. Then we'd have great guests like Leslie Nielson, Ron Jeremy, and Dakota Fanning. Oh, and cute pets that sound like people when they talk.
	#5 - A Foot Long Hoagie Name of the show: Watch Ryan & Friends Eat A Hoagie The name pretty much says it all. Each day I have a special celebrity guest come on the show and we see who can finish eating a footlong hoagie first. Bring it on Paris Hilton! Bring it on Olsen Twins! Bring it on! YEAH!
	#4 - Gwildor Name of the show: A Good Journey Instead of having a studio where we invite guests, we would use Gwildor's "Cosmic Key" to travel to far away places and meet interesting guests. This show, unfortunately, wouldn't be able to be filmed live because Gwildor has a bad fucking habit of losing that Cosmic Key of his.
	#3 - Cobra Commander Name of the show: The Midnight Hour with Ryan and The Commander It's your usual late-night talk show, with all the usual features, so here's our theme song as sung by me and Cobra Commander: Ryan - It's late at night so throw the switches CC - Time for our late night show, bitches! Ryan - Cobra and I are the best of friends CC - So Destro, you can suck me off! Ryan- (Uh...that's not how the song goes...) CC - Big Finish! Together - It's The Midnight Hour with Ryan and The Commander! Yeah!
	#2 - Gilbert Gottfried Name of the show: Problem Adults Here's a show where Gilbert and I bring out famous people to talk about what's wrong with the world today. And then we tell the guests that they're a bunch of cynical hypocrites. Then we get drunk, burn some money, and waste a bunch of food... all on live TV.
	#1 - Princess Toadstool Name of the show: In Another Castle This has all the makings of a classic. Just so long as Princess Toadstood doesn't pull a Kathie Lee on me and get knocked up by Mario then spend half the show talking about her kids. She's more of a lady than that anyway. Our special segment each day would involve a guest running an obstacle course while on mushrooms. If they can do it, they are allowed to come back to the another time.

And that's that!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

That Time I Tried To Build a Robot

When I was just a little six year old Ryan Fan Club, my family moved to a new neighborhood.  It was there, at #5 Coventry Cres., that I first started writing and drawing and creating various odd randomness.  But before I started drawing comics and wrestling magazines, I had a completely different creative ambition.

I was a cute kid.  What happened?

I actually tried to build a robot.

Two kids came knocking at the door to meet the coolest new kid in town (me!) and we quickly set out to work on our creation.

"What's your name," I asked the first boy at the door.
"Ryan," He said.  He lived down the street from me and had a friend visiting from out of town," which is how I knew he had been visiting from out of town.  "And this is my friend.  He's visiting from out of town. He's also named Ryan."
"No way," I shouted.  "My name's Ryan too!"
"Yes way!" Ryan from down the street shouted back in typical Wayne's World fashion, even though this was about four years before that SNL skit would become famous.
Then his quiet friend, who if you didn't know had been visiting from out of town, chimed in, "Do you want to build a robot with us?"

The backyard of my new house faced the backyards of the houses behind us, and there was this big space in between both areas.  Those houses were on a street called Rosemund Cres.  I was told when we were moving in that I wasn't allowed to go to Rosemund to play.  Apparently someone had been killed there earlier in the year and that street had garnered a bad reputation and my mom was a bit of a worry wart.

Now, between the two rows of backyards was just this empty space of grassy land.  It kinda dipped down a bit and was never mowed.  We didn't know if it was part of our backyard or not, but it was full of shit.  And I don't mean shit like dog poopie.  I mean random shit.  People who would move out of the Rosemund area would just leave stuff there that they didn't want to move, or when they were evicted their leftover stuff would be tossed into this junk area. 

me on the right, one of the Ryans on the left (not the one who was visiting from out of town that day)

Washing machines, random pipes, broken stereo equipment, tied-up garbage bags full of whatever, broken strollers, crutches, trashed shelving... you name it, it was probably somewhere in that trash pit scattered amongst the couple hundred emptied out Hostess potato chip bags.

1980s Hostess chips!

My new friends, The Ryans (one of whom was visiting from out of town that day) took me to this garbage heap to find the necessary parts for our robot.  Ryan, not entirely sure which one but definitely 80% sure it wasn't me, had brought some masking tape with him to put the robot together with.  We used a washing machine as the base of the body and then taped shit to it for an hour or so.

Eventually my mother saw us and told me to get out of the garbage heap.  I guess I was too close to Rosemund.  She then sent me to the Mac's Milk to buy her cigarettes with a hand written note giving me permission to get them for her.  Yes, this sort of thing actually happened in the 80s.  I've never smoked a day in my life, but I'll always remember 'Du Maurier Extra Mild 100s' because of the times my mother sent me to the store for them.  I was allowed to use her change for G.I. Joe comics, so that's okay.

But that's off topic.

A few days later, I went to Ryan's house (not the one who had been visiting from out of town for the day) to see about finishing our robot.

"What robot?" He asked me.
"The robot we were building with the washing machine," I replied.  "We never finished it.  We still need to try turning it on."
"Yeah," he said.  "Or we could just play with my Ghostbusters toys instead."

And that's what we did. 
You know, we never did find out if our robot would work or not.

- ryan