Pizza. It's Important.

Pizza is a staple in the world of food, and over time everyone seems to have become a know-it-all about it. It seems like just yesterday there was no such thing as Dipping Sauces. Frankly, the world was better before them. Let's look at my guidelines to what makes good pizza, because after all, I know everything. And while you're at it, check out my music video: Kinda Like To Order A Pizza. 

(Sorry in advance for the nightmares you're going to have)

Frozen Pizza Is Very Bad
Have you ever actually had a frozen pizza turn out properly? Fuck no. They're always over-cooked in one spot and still frozen at others. Then the bottom is impossible to cut through.

Frozen pizza used to be an affordable alternative to real pizza. But now you're lucky to get one for under $7.99. Really, just shell out the extra fiver for a good pizza.

Have you seen that frozen pizza commercial that claims, "Just like Mama used to make back home"? Those people are goddamn liars. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't get pizza from a liar. 

Italian Names
The best pizza comes from places with Italian names. I usually get mine from places called Tata's, Gino's, and sometimes Mama Mia. "Pizza Hut" is not an Italian name. Neither is "Dominos".  Pretty sure "Little Caesar's" is a Greek Name.  "Papa John's"?  That's like taking an Irishman and pretending he's Italian.

"Pizza Pizza" is not only Un-Italian, but my friend Johnny would also point out that it's redundant too. So when you order pizza, look for some greasy, local joint named "Fat Anthony's" or something like that. 

Pepperoni Goes Under The Cheese
Anyone who says differently is a terrorist.

I actually ordered a pizza from this one place (their redundant name will be left unsaid) and they actually told me that if I wanted the pepperoni under the cheese then all the veggies would have to go under too. It's not like I'm asking for diplomatic immunity here... I just want the pepperoni to go under the cheese. What a bunch of bastards. Why would they have to put everything under the cheese? I didn't realize there was such a thing as Pizza Communists. 

Pineapple (Blech!)
Speaking of toppings...
Pineapple. Really? Who's stupid fucking idea was that? Pineapple belongs in a fruit salad, or in a can in ring form.  Or on top of a pretty dancer's head. Not on top of pizza.

Fucking pineapple... 

No 2-4-1's Allowed
This is just a simple economics lesson:
Let's suppose you spend $13 on your pizza. Every business has about a 30-40% markup. So there's a cost of about $9 to your pizza. Let's minus $5 for labor and we're left with $4 for materials.

If they're giving you two pizzas for the price of one we divide that $4 in half and are left with $2 worth of ingredients in your pizza. What the hell kind of shitty-ass quality ingredients are they using on your two pizzas? Cheese is expensive and so is meat. Granted, the pizza people must buy in bulk... but really... you must be getting Grade C meats.

Even the slices from these places are awful. Surely you've been craving pizza while drunk and you stumble into your downtown cheap pizza place and you gaze upon the slices that have been sitting there for 2 hours. You know the pepperoni is in the wrong spot on top of the cheese. You can see that the cheese is hard and not gooey. The guy working there barely speaks English and doesn't know where Italy is. You reach into your pocket and pull out $2.49 in loose change that you wouldn't dare leave to an attractive waitress giving you booze. You think to yourself, "this is just enough for a slice". So you buy one. And it sucks.

Meanwhile, four blocks up the street, Fat Anthony's is getting ready to close down shop for the night and the slices left over in their display are all on sale for 50 cents because they've been sitting and the quality isn't quite there anymore. Clearly, you lose. 

Poor Man's Pizza
Lastly, I'm going to bring up something often overlooked, and that's "Poor Man's Pizza". Because you can't always afford to get the good stuff delivered and you don't want to waste your money on shitty frozen pizza. Buy some hamburger buns, a can of Ragu, and a small brick of mozarella and make some Poor Man's Pizza. It isn't really pizza, but it makes for a nice snack sometimes.

And on that note, I'm going to call Tata's. All this talk about pizza has me craving some pepperoni under the cheese. Keep watching that music video, and I'll see you later.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

I Was A Fat Kid

I was a fat kid.

It's not something I talk about overly much, but I was a fucking fat kid.  And I was picked on a lot too.  No biggie, right?  Happens to a lot of us growing up.  Some might even say they are who they are today because of the way they were treated by their schoolyard chums.  Like the caterpillar to the butterfly.  I'm sorry, I can't help but laugh at myself as I type that last sentence.

I was a fat kid with a really short brush cut.  The other kids called me Pugsley, like the fucking fat kid from the Addams Family movie.  I distinctly remember this one time in Grade 7 that one of my friends pointed out how I actually had bigger titties than most of the girls in class.  Granted, theirs hadn't quite come in yet.  So I guess I kinda looked like your stereotypical dyke with an affinity for eating chips and drinking Pepsi.

Grade 8 Graduation.

I'm not telling this story today to garner any sympathy, or help anyone else out.  I can guarantee you that somewhere else is a boy or girl getting picked on for being fat.  And maybe it's their fault or maybe it's not.  That's not my place to say.  I'm not in charge of the world.

I have two children of my own now - two beautiful children who I encourage to be whatever they want to be.  My son Grayson, at four months old, already eats like a champ and is going to be a thick boy.  I predict a future WWF Champion in my family.  My daughter Ryleigh, only four years old recently had her first experience of not feeling like she was beautiful enough at someone else's hands.  Just hearing about it tore me apart.

I was a fat kid.  And I was also a lazy kid.  I liked reading books, drawing Superman comics, watching Star Wars, playing Super Mario Bros. 3, and trading O-Pee-Chee hockey cards.  When I did get my exercise, which was road hockey, I usually played goalie because I didn't want to run.  I was a fat, lazy, pimply kid who could down an entire 2L bottle of Pepsi while watching TGIF.  At the age of twelve I could easily knock off an entire Godfatha pizza while watching the Coca Cola Countdown on Much Music. 

That's when I decided I wanted to grow my hair long, from my early interests in rock music, but I knew I'd probably look like the singer Meat Loaf.  It was bad enough that everyone already called me Pugsley.  I had a hard enough time getting girls to like me without the other boys telling me that I'd likely do anything for love. 

Grade 9 photo

How was gym class, you ask?  Not bad.  You learn how much time you have to let your mind wander when you're always picked last.  I did some of my best daydreaming during gym class.  I even created a few super-heroes while there. 

I was fifteen when I decided enough was enough.  I was sick of people thinking my name was actually Pugsley because they didn't even know me.  I was a fat kid, and a lazy kid, and a shy kid because I didn't want to be seen by anyone.  For all anyone knew, my name really was Pugsley.  They'd hum that theme song, and ironically, I couldn't even snap my fingers to try and lighten up the mood.  So I created a very green diet.

This diet was so green that all it consisted of was Iceberg Lettuce and Lime Kool-Aid.  And that's pretty much all I ate for a few months.  I'm not proud of it, but I did lose a lot of weight in a short time.  People have large worded terms and conditions and disorders for these types of things nowadays.  I never made myself throw up; I hate vomiting more than just about anything.

Now I'm not trying to tell anyone a quick way to lose weight here, because listen to me, doing something like eating only lettuce and drinking Kool-Aid will fuck you up really good.  But you know what?  We live in a really fucked up world.  Nobody ever thinks they're good enough, no matter how truly great they are.  Fucked.  Up.

I had become friends in high school with a girl, Angie, who told me. "Ryan, nobody else can love you until you learn to love yourself."  Not sure if she got that from a Jewel song, but it's something that's always stuck with me. 

All kidding aside, this shirt was fucking awesome.

What really sucks is now, as an adult with kids of my own, I see all these stories about bullying and obesity and it's clear that the real problem is and has always been that nobody teaches their kids to fucking stand up for themselves anymore.  Yeah, I was a fat, lazy kid who got picked on a lot - but I also didn't stand up for myself when I should have.  I didn't know how.  It's one thing to be a pansy-ass and go cry in the corner until you starve yourself and then it's another to do something about it. 

Parents, please, you can teach your kids all you want about anti-bullying but you're really better off teaching your child how to stand up to those bullies and make them go away.  Sure, they'll probably get hurt a few times in the process, but it might just be worth it.  And I'm not talking about them telling a teacher, or writing a poem about their feelings - teach your kids to punch someone right between the eyes.  Hard.  Seriously.

As for me, I'm not a kid anymore.  I'm a little round in the belly, and yet I get more exercise these days than ever.  I've replaced the 2L Pepsi bottles with a few pints of Banana Bread Beer.  I can eat a whole Tata's pizza if I want to, but I like to save some for lunch the next day.  I'll change the TV channel if the Addams Family is on because it makes me emotional.  I still enjoy salad, but ninety-nine percent of the time I put something on it so it's not just lettuce.  I can't remember the last time I had green Kool-Aid, and that's fine.  I've learned to love so much about myself (hence why I have my own fan club), but there's parts of me that I don't truly believe I can ever come to terms with.

I guess some part of me will always be that fat kid.  And I bet you're the same, in your own way.
Fucked up, eh?

- ryan

Ryleigh and Grayson; my two exceptionally awesome kids.

Sex Is Like Pizza

...someone once said, "Sex is like pizza - even when it's bad, it's still pretty good."

Then someone else put that on a bumper sticker, and people have been saying it for years.  But I think today we need to take a closer look at that analogy, shall we?

If sex is like pizza, then what else?
Given the root of the saying, "sex is like pizza", then you could also suggest the following:

• Sex is like pizza - it's not quite as good when you have to make it yourself
• Sex is like pizza - if you're not greedy with it, you can have some more in the morning
• Sex is like pizza - you shouldn't take it from someone without asking 
• Sex is like pizza - the longer you wait for it, the faster you finish it
• Sex is like pizza - sure, 2 for the price of 1 sounds great, but it never really lives up to your expectations.

What if you don't like pizza?

...and having it with your mom is gross.

Does this mean you do you not like sex?  I've often found myself saying things like, "how can you not like pizza?"  But I've never taken it to this next level.  When defending pizza, we tell people that it's got all four of the major food groups, it's quick and easy, it comes in a box, and it's great when you're drunk.  Don't all of these statements apply to sex too?
You know who doesn't like pizza?  My dad.  At least he says he doesn't.  When he was a younger man, he ate some pizza after too many drinks and puked up a storm.  Hasn't eaten pizza since.  But this was before I was born, so unless my real father is the milkman, then I'm pretty sure my dad likes pizza after all.
Then there's my wife, who also claims she doesn't like pizza.  I'm not even going to figure out what that suggests.  Well, she doesn't like pizza that I order out for.  She likes the pizza that's covered with things like zucchini and goat's cheese.  And really, that's hardly pizza.  And also, she likes making it herself.
(which brings us to...)

Delivery or Delissio?
Those of you who have seen my pizza rules know I'm very strict about the pizza I eat.  (Read the rules here: http://www.ryanfanclub.com/archive/guide/goodpizza.html )
Does that make me strict about sex?  Is ordering out for pizza kinda like ordering in a hooker?  If she takes longer than thirty minutes to orgasm does that mean it should be free?  Hmmm...
Some producers of frozen pizza claim their product is just as good as delivery.  Nope.  However, having sex after being out in the cold is a great way to warm up.

So, they say sex is like pizza.  And I guess for the most part it really is.  It can be gooey, hot n' spicy, or if you're a little more daring, you can stuff the crust with hot dogs.
It comes in different sizes, with different variations from all around the world, and just because you're a meat lover doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.
It can be enjoyed while watching TV, or at a party, and sometimes you sneak it in but don't want to tell anyone after.

So there.  Sex really is like pizza.

The bottom line though - neither should ever include pineapple.