Wrestlemania

My daughter was born on April 1st, and undoubtedly I'd like to think of that as the happiest day of my life.

But long before I had a daughter, April 1st was very special to me because it was the day my dad took me to Wrestlemania VI in Toronto to see The Ultimate Warrior do battle with Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship.

In 1990 I was a huge WWF fan.  I mean, I ate, slept, and breathed wrestling.  My favorites were The Ultimate Warrior, Bret "Hitman" Hart, and Macho Man (even though he was a villain at this time known as the Macho King).

The morning of April 1st, my dad woke me up early to let me know that Wrestlemania had been cancelled.  I only fell for it for a second or two and then realized it was April Fool's Day.  Nice try dad.

I'm actually surprised by how much I remember about being at Wrestlemania VI.  It was over twenty-five years ago.  I was only nine years old.

Me at the mall with my mother; notice my awesome Ultimate Warrior shirt?  Please don't notice my awful track pants.

 Down the road from the Skydome was a large wrestling ring built by Campbell's soup, and they had some wrestlers doing their thing while free cans of Campbell's soup were being given out.  I declined the free can of soup, mostly because I didn't want to have to carry it around Toronto with me all day.

While waiting outside the Skydome to get in, some pervy old man was talking about Miss Elizabeth and how if he had the chance he would tongue paint her.  I'd like to think that's when and where I learned what cunningulus is.  Thank you, creepy pervy guy outside the Skydome.

Inside, we sat in front of this crazy wrestling fan.  She was old, missing some teeth, and had one of those large foam Hulk Hogan fingers.  When she found out I was cheering for The Ultimate Warrior to defeat the Hulkster, the fucking crazy bitch actually hit me with her foam finger. 

I remember being very excited to see Robert Goulet sing "O Canada".  I had seen Beetlejuice a few times by this point in my life, and Robert Goulet was pretty cool in it.  Before he sang the anthem, and the event began there was something called a "Dark Match", which is basically a wrestling match to warm the crowd up a bit before the televised event begins.  I was surprised and disappointed when I got a VHS tape of Wrestlemania VI months later that the match between Paul Roma and the Brooklyn Brawler wasn't on it.

I was very excited when Andre The Giant smacked around Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.  I really only knew Andre as a heel in the world of wrestling, having only been a fan since WM3, and everyone knew he wouldn't be around much longer, so it was really awesome to be able to say I was there to see his redemption in front of his fans.

I still have my ticket stub from Wrestlemania VI

From where we were sitting, the ring looked pretty small.  Our $75 tickets had us about halfway up.  Apparently ringside seats were in the $150 range.  Luckily, we had a great view of the large screen in the Skydome.  So we were able to see everything being broadcast over pay-per-view, even if we couldn't hear the incredible Jesse "The Body" Ventura speak.  So we were able to see some of the important details.  I was ecstatic to see Miss Elizabeth, and half wondered if that guy from outside the Skydome would get his chance to tongue paint her.  Unfortunately she was there for Dusty Rhodes, and not the Macho King.

But let's face it.  Everyone was there to see the Hogan/Warrior match.  And as soon as the Warrior pinned Hogan for both the WWF Championship and the Intercontinental belt, we were out of our seats and on our way out of the building.  My dad wanted to beat the traffic and not get stuck in any kind of mob.  He was always like that, even at hockey games we went to locally.  So I never got the opportunity to tell that crazy bitch with the foam finger that she could suck a male camel's dick.

As we went back to catch our bus home, I saw a man make fun of a midget.  That was sad and uncomfortable.  She was a midget.  Big deal.  And he was all like, "Hey everyone!  Look at the midget!"  Then we passed by a homeless guy asking for change, and I kind of wish I would have taken that free can of Campbell's soup.  I could have given it to him.  And he could have traded it for crack.  Not much crack, but probably a little fix.  I'm not really an expert in crack value.

Wow, I'm way off topic.

This was pretty much my view.

Wrestlemania VI had a lasting impression on me.  I must have watched the VHS a hundred times.  I proudly wore my Ultimate Challenge shirt and ball cap everywhere.  I even made friends at the mall with an older man because of it.  No, this is nothing weird, he saw me with my mom and I was wearing my shirt and he was getting his photos from Wrestlemania VI developed there.  So we hung out with him so I could see his pictures.

To this day, I still get excited to talk about being there.  Whenever I get talking about wrestling with someone they look at me in awe when I say I was at Wrestlemania VI.  It's fondly remembered by everyone.

Sadly, Miss Elizabeth passed away a few years back.  I wonder if that pervy guy ever got to tongue paint her.  I mean, it's always nice to hear of people's dreams coming true.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Me, in 1990 wearing my Bret The Hitman tank top and trying to do the Ravishing Rick Rude hip swing.

My 13th Birthday Was a Friday the 13th

Ah, August 13, 1993... the year I turned thirteen on a Friday the 13th.
What a glorious day it was, indeed.  At least in my mind I seem to think it was.  As I sifted thru photos looking for some to accompany this blog all about my thirteenth birthday, I realized I don't have any.  The early 90's weren't like today.  Not everyone had a camera in their phone to take photos of every little detail of their mundane lives.  And the phone was attached to the kitchen wall anyway.

Also, it occurred to me as I did some fact-checking that I kinda lump my 11th and 13th birthdays together in my mind.  I often reminisce about how on my thirteenth birthday I was given my first little boom box cassette player and the new Spin Doctors tape, "Pocket Full of Kryptonite."  I'm also warmed by fond memories of being given a cassette single for Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You", and how my friends and I all played a WWF Wrestling Challenge board game with the Ultimate Warrior featured on the box.  But all of that stuff really occurred in 1991, not '93.

Where the hell did my memories go?

So when I think a bit harder about all of it, I vaguely remember having a couple friends over for a sleepover, watching "Cool World" and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" on VHS, drinking an entire case of Loeb Cola, and having pizza.

My friend Brian sneaked in some dirty porno magazines that he stole from his older brother's room and we gazed over them in the basement after my parents went to sleep.

My twelfth birthday gets lost in the mix of it all, because my sister's wedding was two days after so there wasn't time to have a party or anything like that.  Luckily, the WWF was in town on my birthday and I saw the Ultimate Warrior fight Papa Shango.  However, after trying to Google anything about it, I can't find a single thing about the WWF coming to my town on my birthday.

I'm actually starting to think this never existed and it was all made up in my mind.

Being thirteen was pretty good, and it lasted about a year until I turned fourteen.

And hey, here's a photo that isn't at all from my thirteenth birthday.

The end!

Happy 16th Birthday Ryan!

Ultimate Poem

...this comes to us from my Newzinetter #4 (you can see the whole thing on the main page at http://www.ryanfanclub.com for a limited time) and it's very inspired by one of my childhood heroes from the 80's.  You can probably guess who.

Ultimate Poem
a poem by ryan fan club

a "self-portrait" I did in 1998.

let the clear discovery of the unknown journey
be made fully known within my eternity
that a man can be tested and fail upon his skill
or even witness one’s own destruction of will
for the outside suffering feels no real pain
and the inside insignificance falls like acid rain
we are living on the tail of the crashing comet
with only ourselves to collect the full debt
you owe nothing
unless you owe it to yourself
so speak with your lips in a closed position
and hear the words as a true acquisition
there is no fear in this realm for fear is absent
you can reach until the memory is distant
but do not continue to hold your hand out
forever, waiting for powers to come about
because only you alone can destroy panic
and administer your life in ways so tyrannic
that even the most royal of normal people
will watch for you upon that golden steeple
and wait with prayer for an approximate
measuring to declassify the illegitimate
but they know absolutely nothing of the ultimate;

Newzinetter #4

Ryan Fan Club Newzinetter #4

Top 11 Rejected Baby Names

...so the cat's outta the bag, and yes, I am going to be a father again.

Much like the last time around, though, I'm having a hard time getting my lovely wifey to agree on baby names.  The name you give a child is important.  It absolutely can't rhyme with anything to allow them to be made fun of at school.  You don't want your kid being called "Fat Matt", "Whorey Corey", or "Punjabi Abbie".  You need a good strong name that declares independence and courage. 

So here are two Top 11 lists.  One is Rejected Boy Names and the other is Rejected Girl Names.

Under each name  you'll see my wife's reasoning for rejecting that name.

Top 11 Rejected Boy Names

Bret The Hitman

11. Bret "The Hitman" Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Bret The Hitman..."
10. Axl Ryan Ewing
"I don't want our kid getting beat up.  I'm not naming him Axl..."
9. Lando Ryan Ewing
"I'm not naming our child Lando..."
8. Joe Fucking Perry Ewing
"No."
7. Skeletor Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Skeletor."
6. Prince Shezahd Ewing
"..... do I even need to give you an answer?"
5. Bret "The Hitman" Ewing
"Just.  Stop.  Trying.  We are NOT naming this child Bret 'The Hitman', even if he'll be best there ever will be."
4. Stallone Rocky Rambo Over-the-top Sly Ewing 
"I think I want a divorce.  I'll raise this child on my own."
3. Kalvin Elliot Ewing
"...hey... I kinda like Calvin... but wait... are you trying to secretly name this kid Kal-El...?" 
2. Tuukka Ryan Ewing
"We are absolutely not naming our child Tuukka.  It's too hard to spell..." 
1. Optimus Prime Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Optimus Prime.  No, Ryan, it's NOT a strong name for a boy."

Top 11 Rejected Girl Names

Amanda Ultimate Warrior

11. Amanda Ultimate Warrior Ewing
"Why am I having your child again?"
10. Zdana Chara Ewing
"...only if she comes out at almost seven feet tall."
9. Lillian Murphy Ewing
"Lillian is nice... but why Murphy?"
8. Skeletina Ewing
"No. No.  And more no."
7. Bambi Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name."
6. Scarlett Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name too."
5. Anastasia Ewing
"Stripper name!"
4. Destiny Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!"
3. Lexi Ewing
"Do you want to be the one who explains that we named our child after your favorite porn star?"
2. Angel Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!!!!"
1. Chastity Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!!!!!"

So as you can see, I have some great baby names already suggested.  Who knows what else we might come up with during this pregnancy. 

- Ryan

Ghosts of Hallowe'en Past

Hallowe'en is only a week or so away, so I thought we'd all take a look at the costumes I've worn over the years.  Unfortunately, not all of them were photographed.

 

Superman ...a Rag Doll 

Would you believe I've actually dressed up as Superman on Hallowe'en more times than any other costume?  Yeah, it's true.  Probably about six or seven times.  That picture of me as a rag doll might not actually be from Hallowe'en.  You see, my sister used to just dress me up all the time and take pictures of me.

  

Steven Tyler from Livin' On The Edge (with Steve Desrosiers and Brendon Smity) ...the Ultimate Warrior

That half-black and half-white paint job didn't go over so well at my high school.  They didn't know what kind of statement I was making and I had to explain that I was mimicking Steven Tyler. Don't believe me?  Check this out.

  

Prince (with Riot)

  

Johnny Depp (Dana is Supergirl)

 

The Count, ah ah ah (with two sexy pirates) 

  

Prince Adam.... Super Dave Osborne 

Sometimes my costumes only make sense to me.  Kinda like my music.  The year I dressed up as Prince Adam was one of those years.  Those who recognized the costume really liked it, but I must have been asked about fifty times that day if I was Ellen Degeneres.  It was a similar experience with my Super Dave Osborne costume (which is hands down the best costume I've ever done) but so many people thought I was Evel Kenevel.  

  

Cobra Commander... Bret The Hitman Hart 

I didn't dress up last year, but this year I have a pretty sweet Slash costume planned.  Don't worry, when the pictures are ready you'll see it.