Cobra Commander Is The Man

Cobra Commander is the leader of the ruthless terrorist organization known as Cobra. You probably could've guessed that from his name. He orders his troop from behind a mask, hidden to even his own evil soldiers. I've never been pro-army, so even as a kid I cheered for Cobra to win. Cobra never won though, it was always G.I. Joe that saved the day. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not pro-terrorist. But when it comes to cartoon violence, the Cobra dudes were just way cooler than the Joes (with the exception of Beach Head). So let's see why Cobra Commander is the man, and why he rules over Cobra with his awesomeness.

The Many Faces of Cobra Commander
Cobra Commander is mostly recognized by his blue helmet/silver faceplate combination. Many Joes have looked into the reflection of fear when having come face-to-face with the leader of Cobra. The hooded Cobra Commander was more prominently seen in the G.I. Joe comic book from the 80s. He was creepier that way. That was the first Cobra Commander toy I had as a kid, and you had to mail-away to get him. I had it for almost twenty years, until just recently when it fell apart and I lost a piece of it while moving.

Many kids in the late 80s got a toy of Cobra Commander in a silver battlesuit. It was a cool costume, but it might as well have been Darth Vader. This suit was battle ready, and put Cobra Commander out on the front lines with his minions. Lastly, is Cobra Commander's true visage. We saw it in the G.I. Joe movie, when the Commander was transformed into a snake. As a kid, seeing Cobra Commander's real face was monumental. It was one of the defining moments of the 80s. Where were you when Cobra Commander showed his real face goes hand in hand with Where were you when JR Ewing was shot?

Cobra Commander's TV Show!
Running a ruthless terrorist organization is all work and no play. So, believe it or not, Cobra Commander took some time off to have his own cooking show. Imagine Rachael Ray, but with a big friggin' blue helmet on, rasping out phrases like "Let's go see how our lasagna is doing!" Sure, Cooking With Cobra, La La La only lasted a handful of episodes, but it wasn't Cobra Commander's fault. He did his best. It was the Joe-supporting American television audience that wouldn't give him a chance. Maybe if there was more budget invested into Cobra Commander and his great cooking vision.

Cobra Commander only made one other TV appearance, and that was as Kelly's co-host on the Regis and Kelly show when Regis was sick. That doesn't include his numerous broadcast interruptions announcing that he was taking over the world.

Leader of the Stooges

Being the leader of Cobra means that you get to boss around people like Destro, Baronness, Dr. Mindbender, and those twins who kick ass. And if those flunkies can't do the job right, you just call up Zartan to pick up the pieces.
Cobra Commander wasn't always in charnge of Cobra. Destro, who was pretty much the right hand man to Cobra Commander, back-stabbed our boy in blue with the aid of Dr. Mindbender and they created Serpentor to rule over Cobra. Apparently they didn't think The Commander was doing a good enough job. Fucking unions....

Just when Serpentor was finally getting comfortable in his throne, along comes Golobulous (voiced by Burgess Fucking Meredith!) who was the alien creator of Cobra. But a lot of things happened in that G.I. Joe movie that don't make any sense at all.

Some people think the Commander is a pussy. I wouldn't say that though. I've always considered The Commander's "cowardness" to be just a good understanding of when he's lost. He knows when the fight is no longer going to go his way, so he packs up and regroups. There's always another fight. You win some, you lose some. And I think that's what Destro couldn't get his silver little head around. That's why he had to go and create Serpentor with that fool Mindbender. Deep down Destro and Mindbender were very afraid of Cobra Commander. Well, you know what? FUCK DESTRO!

"Was Once A Man..."
Cobra Commander has a very distinctive voice. In fact, the only other voice like his is Starscream from the Transformers. After listening to the Commander talk, even just for a couple minutes, you'll be doing your best to impersonate him. I personally would like to see Cobra Commander record an album and show off his true vocal range. I'm sure big-name music folks like Timbaland, Jay-Z, and Gerardo are just lining up to work with the Commander. I wouldn't be surprized at all if Cobra Commander shouted out some disses at Destro in a Top 40 rap song.

"Yo Destro, the Baronness called
She's eff-ing me tonight cause you're too bald
You silver headed moron, I can't even stand her
But every bitch loves The Cobra Commander!"

So hopefully you've gained a new-found appreciation of Cobra Commander. I know I'm going to have a hard time replacing my broken/lost action figure for anything less than fifty or sixty bucks. Maybe I'll finally hunt down the original Commander action figure with the face plate. It's the one I've wanted since I was a kid.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Those Would-Be World Conquerors

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Bad Guys won?

Suppose those stupid Ewoks were never found and the Death Star wasn't destroyed. Or Sloth never helped The Goonies. Or Egon never thought to cross the streams, and Gozer devestated Manhattan. These are the things that keep me up at night. So let's take a look at four Would-Be World Conquerors. What would the world be like if they succeeded for a change? 

Hank Scorpio
When we last saw Hank Scorpio he was running the Globex corporation. But that was secretly a front for an organization hell-bent on taking over the world. Homer Simpson took a job working for Scorpio, but quit before we ever found out if Hank won or lost his battle. We can only assume that Scorpio was not successful. However, if he did actually conquer the planet it might not have been so bad. Scorpio always had sugar available (even if not in packets) and he treated his employees very well. Would he have been so different to his worldly subjects? I can only see the scenario playing out one way. Scorpio would rule the world until he was taken down by the sheer awesomeness of Knight Rider. Then the people would be free again. 

Cobra Commander
Cobra Commander is the leader of Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. But he keeps losing to G.I.Joe. If Cobra were successful in defeating those Joes we could see increased Global Health Care, stronger Free Trade Issues, and free Dance Lessons for everyone. I hear Cobra Commander is a big fan of the salsa. Mind you, if you get out of line (or steal the Commander's dance partner) you'd be lucky to escape with your life. 

General Zod
If it weren't for the Son of Jor-El we would all have really scraped up knees. Yeah, if General Zod were actually able to maintain control over Planet Houston we would all be kneeling left, right, and center. Zod surely would've created a strong Global workforce, building castles and a palace dedicated to our leader. On the downside, he probably would've instituted an all black, glimmering dress code. Nobody needs to see me wearing one of those outfits. 

Pinky and The Brain
I'm not entirely convinced that Pinky and The Brain haven't already taken over the world. Just look at how our planet is run. Some of the cracked out news events seem like they would've been orchestrated by two lab mice running around in a wheel. Brain (the mastermind behind the whole operation) really uses Pinky to meet women. Brain isn't confident enough about his looks, so he keeps Pinky around to make himself look better. Behind every good leader is a good, strong woman. Remember that.

So the next time we're faced with a situation dealing with a possible despot, we should take a moment and consider all possibilities, good and bad. Because when you get down to it, "Shredder's School of Fine Cuisine" and "Skeletor's Deficit Refinement Plan" don't seem like bad ideas at all.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 Co-Hosts

It's no secret that I've always wanted to have my own talk show on TV. I was a huge fan of Regis & Kathie Lee back in the early 90s. Sometimes I would even fake sick so I could stay home from school to watch it. So if I were offered my own talk show, I'd need a wicked awesome co-host. And here are eleven possible co-hosts that I'd be proud to share my TV show with.

	#11 - Cyndi Lauper Name of the show: Talk After Talk If Cyndi were my co-host we'd have all kinds of good guests. We'd do a special Goonies reunion episode, and even bring out Captain Lou Albano for some old fashioned rubber band games. Rubber bands are the coolest thing since Max Headrom.
	#10 - Herbie The Love Bug Name of the show: Back Seat Babble Herbie and I would turn this talk show into more of a "Pimp My Ride" type show, where we take old cars and re-do them so hot chicks like Lindsay Lohan will drive them.
	#9 - Count Chocula Name of the show: The Darkest Hour... with Ryan & Count Chocula Chocula and I would do a show all about the hot Hollywood gossip. We'd take a look at celebrity scandals, and who is having babies in tinsel town. Every audience member would get a bag of the Count's marshmallows. Look closely and you'll even see Frankenberry leading our band before each commercial break.
	#8 - Jake "The Snake" Roberts Name of the show: The DDT Show Picture it. Jake "The Snake" Roberts, a former WWF wrestler who turned to God after retirement, and me getting drunk and reading the bible. Offensive? Maybe. But it wouldn't last long anyway. After forty seconds of listening to a drunk Jake talk, you'll be turning the channel. "In a cashino, yoush should gamfble."
	#7 - Ronald Reagan Name of the show: Rockin' With Ryan n' Ronnie True, Mr. Reagan may have passed away, but for the TV show we'd have a psychic channel him into the studio. Or I'd just get Carrot Top to dress up as Ronnie, if the psychic is sick that day. And if the Carrot Top AND the psychic were sick on the same day, I'd just splice in old footage from Ronnie's movies and public adresses.
	#6 - Rue McClanahan Name of the show: Thank You For Being Our Guest First and foremost, I would get Rue to convince us all that The Golden Palace show never happened, and that Golden Girls ended on a positive note. Then we'd have great guests like Leslie Nielson, Ron Jeremy, and Dakota Fanning. Oh, and cute pets that sound like people when they talk.
	#5 - A Foot Long Hoagie Name of the show: Watch Ryan & Friends Eat A Hoagie The name pretty much says it all. Each day I have a special celebrity guest come on the show and we see who can finish eating a footlong hoagie first. Bring it on Paris Hilton! Bring it on Olsen Twins! Bring it on! YEAH!
	#4 - Gwildor Name of the show: A Good Journey Instead of having a studio where we invite guests, we would use Gwildor's "Cosmic Key" to travel to far away places and meet interesting guests. This show, unfortunately, wouldn't be able to be filmed live because Gwildor has a bad fucking habit of losing that Cosmic Key of his.
	#3 - Cobra Commander Name of the show: The Midnight Hour with Ryan and The Commander It's your usual late-night talk show, with all the usual features, so here's our theme song as sung by me and Cobra Commander: Ryan - It's late at night so throw the switches CC - Time for our late night show, bitches! Ryan - Cobra and I are the best of friends CC - So Destro, you can suck me off! Ryan- (Uh...that's not how the song goes...) CC - Big Finish! Together - It's The Midnight Hour with Ryan and The Commander! Yeah!
	#2 - Gilbert Gottfried Name of the show: Problem Adults Here's a show where Gilbert and I bring out famous people to talk about what's wrong with the world today. And then we tell the guests that they're a bunch of cynical hypocrites. Then we get drunk, burn some money, and waste a bunch of food... all on live TV.
	#1 - Princess Toadstool Name of the show: In Another Castle This has all the makings of a classic. Just so long as Princess Toadstood doesn't pull a Kathie Lee on me and get knocked up by Mario then spend half the show talking about her kids. She's more of a lady than that anyway. Our special segment each day would involve a guest running an obstacle course while on mushrooms. If they can do it, they are allowed to come back to the another time.

And that's that!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan