A Letter To My Dinner

Dear Dinner,

I just wanted to take a second or two to thank you for filling me up today.  You have ensured that I will not be hungry until most likely breakfast time tomorrow.  I say most likely because I don't know how much of that morning hunger is actual hunger or just the fact that I'm used to filling my pie-hole around seven in the morning and if I don't do so promptly my body starts sending me warning signals.

I stand by the tried and tested rule of, "No Dessert Until You've Cleaned Your Plate."

With that in mind, I'd also like to thank you, Dinner, for being so likable in the first place.  I mean, you really should have seen it - I was, like, done eating you in four or five bites tops.  If you listened closely enough you would have heard a "shoom" sound as the fork went into my mouth.

If there's one bit of constructive criticism I could give you, Dinner, it would be that you just aren't as satisfying as a good breakfast on a Sunday.  You know the type - where you don't need to eat for the rest of the day afterward. Please don't get the wrong idea, I'm not saying you should try to change to be more like breakfast.  I love you, Dinner, just the way you are.  It's not a competition.

You know, now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have even brought up breakfast.  

I mean, not mentioned it.  "Brought up" sounds like something else entirely.

Wow, talk about putting my own foot in my mouth there.  Anyway, how's your mom and dad doing?  Did they ever get that hole in the boat fixed?

Great catching up, 

Hope to hear from you soon,

-ryan

Top 11 Awesomely Awesome Things

Just sit back and relax. Enjoy this ride. There's enough random in here to randomize your rando-meter.

11. Supermarket Sweep
Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune ain't got nothing on Supermarket Sweep. This was hands down the best game show on Earth (excluding Bumper Stumpers) and the proof is in the pudding! What other game show had their contestants run around a grocery store and fill up their carts with random shit?

Castle Mother Effing Grayskull

10. Castle Grayskull
Quite possibly the ultimate childhood toy, Grayskull was the castle that He-Man protected from Skeletor. There were traps, laser guns, and a real working jaw-bridge! 

9. Pink Highlighters
Highlighters were a big craze in the late 80s and early 90s. For a while you could only get them in yellow, and then all-of-a-sudden appeared the pink version. It seems like everything in the early 90s was neon pink and yellow anyway, so why not our writing utensils?

8. The Hoff
David Hasselhoff is just plain wonderful. What a great human being. You don't hassel the Hoff, and that makes him awesomely awesome.

7. Bacon
Everything is better with bacon. When hamburgers became boring, they put bacon on it. Real men didn't want to eat salad, and so bacon was added to Caesar salads. You can get bacon flavored chips and syrup. And I'm pretty sure that Jesus Mother Fuckin' Christ ate some good tasting bacon at the last supper.

6. Canadian Tire Money
Shit yes! You may think that CT Money is a nuisance that seems to gather up on the floor of your car, but this stuff is way more valuable than you can imagine. Take my parents for example. My dad does about 75% of his Christmas shopping with Canadian Tire money. He's not being cheap, he's being economical. And hell, these days you can get just about anything there... if you can find which aisle it's in... and the Canadian Tire dollar seems to be worth more than the actual Canadian dollar.

5. 1989-90 O-Pee-Chee Hockey Cards
Considered the greatest hockey card set ever (by me) this one had a Sakic rookie card, Gretzky with the Kings, and a lot of cards from the once-great Hartford Whalers.  THE WHALE! THE MIGHTY WHALE!
4. Vinyl 
Music is just better sounding on vinyl. Sure, an iPod is easier to use but you don't get that "warm" sound when you listen to music digitally. And I just so happen to have a lot of shitty records that were never re-released on CD... kinda like I have some shitty VHS that never came out on DVD (John Stamos is Born To Ride). Long live vinyl!

3.Twenty-eight Moosehead for the price of 24
We all know I like beer. I like beer like... really a lot. And what could be better than getting 28 of a great beer like Moosehead for the price of only 24? Well, maybe 29... but the dimensions of a case don't really lend themselves to that. Either way, I'm just happy to have a fridge full of Moosehead.

2. Randy "Macho Man" Savage

"Ooooh Yeah!!!!"

He was involved in the greatest Wrestlemania match of all-time. He paraded around with the lovely Elizabeth. He had a variety of hats and crowns that he wore. And he snapped into a Slim Jim. And even though he's dead, he's still awesome.

1. "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys
I'll be honest, this whole list was created because on my way home today I heard "Kokomo" and when that first chorus hit I felt the need to go and dance with anyone. Damn! If "Kokomo" can do that to me, maybe it can bring about world peace.


And... uh... there you have it!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Adventures of Ryan #84

This week, take a read of the brand new comic strip - Adventures of Ryan #84 - where Ryan does has to save the world from the evil Veganator!

Ryan's Guide to Breakfast Cereal

I'm an expert in all things chef related.

Who doesn't like a friggin' good breakfast?  I always feel weird when I talk about food on my site, because I complain a lot about how my wife leaves The Food Network on for hours at a time.  But, you know what?  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  And sometimes you don't have time to cook a big breakfast.

That's where breakfast cereal comes in.

Today we'll take a look at what constitutes a great cereal.

Marshmallows
Let's face it - all the best cereals have those dried out marshmallows in them.   If, like me, you weren't allowed to have those sugary cereals as a kid then one of the first things you did as an adult living on your own was run out to buy a box of Lucky Charms.

There's something (possibly magically delicious) about those marshmallows that makes us all very happy on the inside.  It has to be more than the fact that they're just mere sugar and food coloring.  Is it the shapes?  Do the little stars and balloons actually increase our level of happiness when we see them?  Hmmmm....

Having marshmallows in your cereal makes you wonder how much better our lives would be if we just added marshmallows to other meals too.  Throw some yellow star marshmallows into your caesar salad.  Get some red balloons into your rice pilaf.  What's the worst that could happen?

Fake Flakes
I've seen them all - Fruity Swirls... Loopy Fruity O's.... Fruit Hoops.... Fruit Flavored Colorful Rings.... Fruit Spins...
None of these goddam things are Fruit Loops.  No matter how hard they try.  Sure, the real Fruit Loops are so sweet they'll hurt your teeth, and the no-name knock-offs are actually a little better tasting, but we're talking about the importance of following our nose here.
Froot Loops are not Fruit Loops.  And they never will be.

Who Didn't Have Their Own Cereal?

This cereal needs an enema!

Take a look at the image on the right.  That's Batman cereal from 1989.  That shit really existed.  I ate it.  And it was awesome.  Fictional characters have been lending their likeness to cereals since the destruction of Krypton, and they'll continue to do so.

Check out a video I made many years ago of me eating Pirates of the Caribbean cereal - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkm_5gKUNag

Living in Canada, we don't get as many neat-o cereals as they do in the USA.  I've seen cereals for just about every fictional character you could think of: Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Teletubbies, Simpsons, and of course the very popular Fruity Pebbles that spotlights the Flintstones.

It makes me wonder, what will be next?  I'd definitely eat a Lexi Belle themed cereal.  Or some Jessica Alba-O's.  Hell, serve me up a bowl of Machete Flakes!

Where's the Bacon at, yo?
THERE ARE NO BACON CEREALS!
This is a friggin' travesty.  When you think of breakfast - you think of bacon.  At least I know I do!  Don't get me wrong, I realize how easy it would be to throw a handful of bacon bits into my bran flakes, but that's beside the point.

I wanna walk down the grocery store aisle and see a big purple box of Bacon Bran.  That's right - a box of Bran Flakes with a guarantee of TWO SCOOPS OF BACON in every box.  And real bacon bits too, people!  Not that simulated bacon-flavored shit my mother-in-law insists on eating.

If I'm being too demanding, I'd settle for a Kevin Bacon themed cereal. 

How Much Milk Is Too Much Milk?
Do you end up with too much milk in your bowl after consuming your Rice Krispies?  Did your mom make you drink it afterwards until you felt like your stomach was gonna snap, crackle, AND pop?  Nobody wants that shit to happen.  So here's a simple mathematical equation to help you ensure you'll always use the right amount of milk.

Just let "d" represent the dairy, and "k" represent the Krispies, and "x" represent your feelings.

The answer = yummy.

The Toy
Alright, let's get down to serious business.  The most important part of breakfast cereal is the toy inside, right?  I have a three year old and she eats cereal.  I have yet to find a toy inside any of the cereal boxes.  And yet, many of her cereals do offer her the ability to go online and enjoy some cereal related fun.

What the fuck is that?  Since when do breakfast cereals have digital copies????

The conspiracy theorist in me assumes that Apple has joined forces with Apple Jacks to mess with my daughter's childhood.  I remember, and distinctly remember, pulling out awesome stuff from cereal boxes like Labyrinth stickers, Superman trading cards, toy dinosaurs, color-changing markers, and even little puzzles.

C'mon cereal companies, the McDonald's Happy Meal still offers something worthwhile inside!  Why don't you?

So that's it... at least for now... If you can think of a way to make that bacon cereal a reality, please let me know.  I'd be all over it.

- ryan

Mayonnaise Is Stupid

... I dislike mayo so much that I actually recorded a song about it.  Yep, "Mayonnaise Is Stupid"... and I really hate it.  Mostly though, what I hate is when people put mayo on hamburgers.  This trend started a long time ago and it's just gross. I HATE that when I go somewhere for a burger I need to ask the people working if there's mayo on it.

Ryan; circa right about now-ish.

This one time, I got into an argument with a girl at a Wendy's about it.  Here was the conversation, word for word...

Ryan: ... yeah, I'd like a Baconator please with no mayonnaise on it.
Idiot Wendy's Girl: No mayo?
Ryan: Yeah.  I'm allergic
Idiot Wendy's Girl: You can't be allergic to mayo.
Ryan: Yeah, I'll die if I eat it.
(Then my friend jumped into the conversation to tell her that I'm not really allergic to mayonnaise.)
Idiot Wendy's Girl: Why don't you want mayonnaise?
Ryan: I don't like it. I think it's gross.
Idiot Wendy's Girl: But... why? I've never heard of anyone not liking mayo before.
Ryan: Yeah, well, I don't.
Idiot Wendy's Girl: I don't get it.  That's just silly.
Ryan: You know, all you need to do here is push a button.  I mean, there's gotta be a "no mayonnaise button" or something.  It's not like you're actually making the burger for me.
Idiot Wendy's Girl: But I still don't understand why you don't like mayonnaise.
Ryan: ... just push the fucking button.

The Mayo-Nay-Nays

At this point, she just stared at me blankly like I was from another goddam planet while I became visibly agitated.

And this is why I tell people I'm deathly allergic to it.  After arguing with this girl for a good ten minutes, I gave her my money and that was that.  And without fail there was fucking mayo on my Baconator.  It was there and then that I decided to not eat at Wendy's again until they started making their burgers without mayo.

I don't want to rant on too much about the white death, but there was this other time I was at a restaurant and I asked the waitress if the burgers had mayo on it.  "Nope," she replied.  "Just our burger sauce."  Perfect, I thought to myself, I'll take one with fries and a beer.  When the burger arrived to my table I took a closer look at this burger sauce because, well, I've had enough fucking mishaps with mayonnaise in my life to give me a bit of a complex about it.  The burger sauce was pretty creamy, lightly colored, and... well, fuck it, it was fucking mayonnaise.  I can distinguish mayo like Sherlock Holmes can find fucking clues.

So I asked her what was in the sauce.

"Ketchup, barbecue sauce, and mayonnaise."
"... but I said I didn't want any mayonnaise."
"Yeah, and it's not mayonnaise.  It's our burger sauce."

I just closed my eyes and imagined myself setting the restaurant on fire.

Jesus Christ, I fucking despise mayonnaise.