Ryan's Guide to Breakfast Cereal

I'm an expert in all things chef related.

Who doesn't like a friggin' good breakfast?  I always feel weird when I talk about food on my site, because I complain a lot about how my wife leaves The Food Network on for hours at a time.  But, you know what?  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  And sometimes you don't have time to cook a big breakfast.

That's where breakfast cereal comes in.

Today we'll take a look at what constitutes a great cereal.

Marshmallows
Let's face it - all the best cereals have those dried out marshmallows in them.   If, like me, you weren't allowed to have those sugary cereals as a kid then one of the first things you did as an adult living on your own was run out to buy a box of Lucky Charms.

There's something (possibly magically delicious) about those marshmallows that makes us all very happy on the inside.  It has to be more than the fact that they're just mere sugar and food coloring.  Is it the shapes?  Do the little stars and balloons actually increase our level of happiness when we see them?  Hmmmm....

Having marshmallows in your cereal makes you wonder how much better our lives would be if we just added marshmallows to other meals too.  Throw some yellow star marshmallows into your caesar salad.  Get some red balloons into your rice pilaf.  What's the worst that could happen?

Fake Flakes
I've seen them all - Fruity Swirls... Loopy Fruity O's.... Fruit Hoops.... Fruit Flavored Colorful Rings.... Fruit Spins...
None of these goddam things are Fruit Loops.  No matter how hard they try.  Sure, the real Fruit Loops are so sweet they'll hurt your teeth, and the no-name knock-offs are actually a little better tasting, but we're talking about the importance of following our nose here.
Froot Loops are not Fruit Loops.  And they never will be.

Who Didn't Have Their Own Cereal?

This cereal needs an enema!

Take a look at the image on the right.  That's Batman cereal from 1989.  That shit really existed.  I ate it.  And it was awesome.  Fictional characters have been lending their likeness to cereals since the destruction of Krypton, and they'll continue to do so.

Check out a video I made many years ago of me eating Pirates of the Caribbean cereal - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkm_5gKUNag

Living in Canada, we don't get as many neat-o cereals as they do in the USA.  I've seen cereals for just about every fictional character you could think of: Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Teletubbies, Simpsons, and of course the very popular Fruity Pebbles that spotlights the Flintstones.

It makes me wonder, what will be next?  I'd definitely eat a Lexi Belle themed cereal.  Or some Jessica Alba-O's.  Hell, serve me up a bowl of Machete Flakes!

Where's the Bacon at, yo?
THERE ARE NO BACON CEREALS!
This is a friggin' travesty.  When you think of breakfast - you think of bacon.  At least I know I do!  Don't get me wrong, I realize how easy it would be to throw a handful of bacon bits into my bran flakes, but that's beside the point.

I wanna walk down the grocery store aisle and see a big purple box of Bacon Bran.  That's right - a box of Bran Flakes with a guarantee of TWO SCOOPS OF BACON in every box.  And real bacon bits too, people!  Not that simulated bacon-flavored shit my mother-in-law insists on eating.

If I'm being too demanding, I'd settle for a Kevin Bacon themed cereal. 

How Much Milk Is Too Much Milk?
Do you end up with too much milk in your bowl after consuming your Rice Krispies?  Did your mom make you drink it afterwards until you felt like your stomach was gonna snap, crackle, AND pop?  Nobody wants that shit to happen.  So here's a simple mathematical equation to help you ensure you'll always use the right amount of milk.

Just let "d" represent the dairy, and "k" represent the Krispies, and "x" represent your feelings.

The answer = yummy.

The Toy
Alright, let's get down to serious business.  The most important part of breakfast cereal is the toy inside, right?  I have a three year old and she eats cereal.  I have yet to find a toy inside any of the cereal boxes.  And yet, many of her cereals do offer her the ability to go online and enjoy some cereal related fun.

What the fuck is that?  Since when do breakfast cereals have digital copies????

The conspiracy theorist in me assumes that Apple has joined forces with Apple Jacks to mess with my daughter's childhood.  I remember, and distinctly remember, pulling out awesome stuff from cereal boxes like Labyrinth stickers, Superman trading cards, toy dinosaurs, color-changing markers, and even little puzzles.

C'mon cereal companies, the McDonald's Happy Meal still offers something worthwhile inside!  Why don't you?

So that's it... at least for now... If you can think of a way to make that bacon cereal a reality, please let me know.  I'd be all over it.

- ryan