Fuller House

Whatever happened to predictability?
It's alive and well in Fuller House.

Okay, here we go... there's a lot to process after watching the entire first season of Fuller House.  Believe me, I had all the feels - I was nostalgic, overjoyed, angry, and legitimately laughed more than even I expected myself to.  I wasn't able to binge-watch the entire season like so many of you have.  I did that for the first season of Full House when it was released on DVD back in 2005.  I watched the whole season over the course of the weekend (I did watch the first episode twice though) and had to wrap my head around the entire thing before sharing my thoughts and feelings with all of you.

The original Tanners
The original cast of Full House look pretty good and mostly act like we remember them. This makes jumping back into the show pretty easy. In the first episode of Fuller House, which is more like a suave recap to bring us up to speed than an actual story because nothing really happens, each returning character manages to get out their catchphrase and gimmicks to remind us where in San Francisco we are.
Uncle Jesse finally seems to have a secure job on General Hospital, eats fried chicken, and sings "Forever".
Joey is a stand-up comedian in Vegas, still loves hockey, busts out the Bullwinkle impression, and brings out Mr. Woodchuck.
Aunt Becky is still a babe, but seems to be more obsessed with babies than ever before.  She doesn't seem to be the career woman she used to be.  Maybe because Jesse actually has a job now and can pay half the bills.
DJ Tanner is a widowed mommy of three, and pretty much takes over the role of Danny Tanner as single parent trying to have a career and get back on her feet.  She needs help from her sister Stephanie, who has been traveling the world as "DJ Tanner", spinning records and trying to start her own music career.  She's essentially the new Uncle Jesse character.  Doesn't want kids, can't actually have them, and is leaving her party lifestyle to help raise DJ's kids.
If you were expecting the original cast to be the forefront of the show, then you're gonna be disappointed.  Oh, sure, after the first episode they visit here and there to keep themselves familiar, but they are certainly supporting characters now and not the stars of the show.  The majority of original characters are so familiar that you wouldn't have thought much time passed since Michelle fell off that horse all those years ago.  The only character that seems to have developed over the years is Danny Tanner - he's moved on, gotten married, and doesn't seem to be obsessed with cleaning as much as he used to be.  Instead, he's proud to see his grandson Max being a little clean-aholic in his place.
For the most part, the Tanners are who we remember.  The show does what's necessary and limits the use of the old folks to make their guest appearances actually really special.  When we see them, we're excited for the nostalgia of it.

The New Kids
DJ's three kids - Jackson, Max, and Tommy - are pretty cute.  This should come as no surprise, given that the original show's formula relied on the three Tanner girls being cute as a button.  Again, just like how DJ, Stephanie, and Kimmy have taken over the Danny/Jesse/Joey trio, these kids essentially become the characters we're used to... but now they're boys instead of girls.  At first I didn't like Jackson, and once he started calling himself "J-Money" I was ready to beat the kid with an Uncle Jesse doll.  But then, he grew on me. 
I liked Max right from the beginning - he's overbearing.  He's obnoxious at times.  He's loud to get attention.  He fits in perfectly with the Full House universe.  And hey, he tried potty training a puppy.  If you can get me to think a puppy is cute, then you've worked a miracle.
Tommy is an adorable baby. Maybe not as much as Mary-Kate and Ashley were back in the day, but we shouldn't make this about a comparison even if we're naturally drawn to do so.  Tommy gets bonus points for wearing the same pajamas in the intro as my little boy Grayson does.
What struck me as odd though, but at the same time not really for a Full House show, was how these boys were dealing with the recent loss of their father.  He's only mentioned a couple times in passing, much like Pam was on the original show.  Don't get me started on Papouli.

Kimmy Gibbler and Ramona
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Kimmy Gibbler is actually the best part of Fuller House. She's the "Joey" archetype now, but she has a bit of Danny and Jesse in her too (hey, get your mind out of the gutter).  Her ex-husband Fernando fits in really well with the Tanner universe as well.  They managed to keep her stinky feet references to a minimum, and made her out to be a career oriented woman.  And honestly, I'd like to do it "Gibbler Style".
Her daughter Ramona is pretty cool, and hopefully she gets more screen time for season two.

Flashbacks/ Nostalgia
This is where my feelings get a little muddy. 
The first episode was very high on nostalgia and, as mentioned before, it needed to be to bring us back to the Tanner state of mind.  So that was all fine, but at the end of that episode we get this split screen while they sing The Flintstones theme.  I get that it's meant as a tribute to the first show, and it's a passing of the torch, so to speak, but we didn't need the split screen.  If you want to treat the real fans with a special nod like that, you don't show the old one too - the die hard fans are going to get the reference.  After all, it was meant for them.
Later in the season, Stephanie has a flashback to her backyard wedding with Harry Takayama (we'll get to him shortly) and it's literally a copy/paste job of old footage.  And it goes on forever.  It's actually really bad and slows the episode down to a standstill. 
And even late in the season, we get a flashback to DJ and Steve's prom night, but this time the present day DJ and Steve and Matt actually go into the footage to give commentary to it.  I actually thought this was quite funny, a neat idea, and should have been used for the Stephanie wedding flashback too.

The love triangle
Were you Team Steve or Team Matt? I was surprised by DJ's final decision to not exclusively be with either of them.  The whole thing is almost a metaphor for the show itself.  Is it going to be a nostalgia show or will it go forward with something new we've never seen?  Even DJ doesn't know for sure, and I get the feeling that's how the show feels about itself.
In case you're wondering, I was on Team Matt.  Something happened to Steve over the last twenty years.  Not sure how he can go from being a cool guy (captain of the wrestling team) to being so whiny and emotionally demanding.  He certainly felt entitled to be in DJ's life just because he used to be before she was married.  His full name should be Steve Can't-Understand-Why-I'm-Stuck-In-The-Friend-Zone Hale. 

The Olsen Twins
They weren't there, and the cast made sure to let us know a few times.  My favorite was the jab about how expensive Mary-Kate and Ashley clothing is, and how that's why they don't need to act anymore.
(Bonus points for the jab at Alanis Morisette's song about Dave Coulier)

Harry Takayama
This is where I get angry. Every returning character - right down to The Rippers - were the original actors.  Except Harry Takayama.  If they couldn't get the original Harry then fine, use a different character. Stephanie had other friends.  What about Brett?  Remember how her heart went 'brett brett' for him?  What about Walter "Duckface" Berman?  That was a huge missed opportunity to have the original Duckface do a Duckface selfie.  Harry Takayama was the man on the original show.  How dare they disrespect him like that.

The Fullers Without The Tanners
So the question now is, how did the show do when there were guest spots by the original Tanner clan?  Surprisingly well.  It's important to remember that this is still a Full House show.   If you were expecting anything other than cheesy plots, predictable one-liners, and cute sight gags, then why were you watching it?  The Fullers manage to continue doing what the Tanners always did.  The relationship between Stephanie and Kimmy is good, and actually started to take form in the last two seasons of the original Full House. 
I was completely expecting myself to lose interest when there were no original cast members on screen, but  the spots that involved Jackson and Ramona skipping school, borrowing money from Max, and performing backyard wrestling were actually some of my favorite moments in the entire season. 

Theme Song 
Carly Rae Jepsen's version is pretty good.  Updated with some new lyrics.  It's obviously not the original, but certainly no harm no foul here.

The Verdict
I'm happy with Fuller House.  I do hope for a second season.  As I mentioned with the love triangle representing the show's focus, I would have liked to have seen something more definitive for the season finale.  It felt like there was little to no closure.  It's hard to say if we'll ever get any in season two.  Full House was never a show to really expand on ideas after they were introduced and used as plot devices.  If they were, we would have seen Joey's girlfriends more than once.  It'll be interesting to see if the subject of Stephanie not being able to have kids is ever touched upon again, or was it just there for some one-shot emotion. 
What I always loved most about Full House is what most critics always hated most about it.  How completely unreal it was.  Every problem can be wrapped up in 22 minutes with some ice cream and hugs.  It's a world of fantasy.  I, personally, don't watch TV to see real life.  I live in real life.  I know what happens.  That's what has always drawn me to the Tanner family.  They have such elaborate self-fulfilling lives.  Nothing can happen in San Francisco unless a member of the Tanner family is somehow included.  That's kind of beautiful in a weird way.  How in this big world, you really can be the center of it all in your heart and mind.  Fuller House, like the original, is about the importance of family and how your family, however it is made up, should be the center of your everything.  It's that unrealistic appeal, not real life standard, that we watch Full(er) House for.  It shows us just how sweet and caring and great everything could be, if we somehow allowed it to be.
Because, when you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home.  Everywhere you look.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 TGIF Shows

If this doesn't make you happy, you have no soul.

TGIF was the greatest night of the week when we were kids.

I mean it, man, TGIF is one of the rare things that actually brings together kids of the 80s and kids of the 90s.  Myself, having been born in 1980, was there for the inception and early years of TGIF, while those of you born circa 1990 would have been all caught up in the blossoming romance of Corey and Topanga.

So here are the eleven best shows to ever grace Friday nights on ABC.

11. Mr. Belvedere 
Mr. Belvedere fills up the end of the list because it was at the end of its run when TGIF started.  Personally, I never really considered the show to be part of TGIF, but technically it was there - and I remember loving the show as a kid.

I totally bought this mag.

10. Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
I was never, honestly, a viewer of this show.  It's on this list because of it's sheer popularity and longevity.  I did, however, buy the issue of Maxim magazine that featured Sabrina in some tastefully risque photos.  That right there is enough to get her on this list.
09. Hangin' With Mr. Cooper
Hangin' was a show that never really decided what show it was going to be.  This was evident by how the theme song would change from season to season. A funny show, and Holly Robinson was always easy on the eyes for a boy of eleven.  I think this show really only existed because Raven Symoné needed a paying gig after the Cosby Show was done.  Still, it was a really enjoyable sitcom that got lost in the hype of the other TGIF monsters.
08. Sister Sister
It didn't matter what this show was about - it starred Jackée, and that was enough to get us to watch it.
07. Step By Step
I remember the premiere of this vividly, because I was so excited for a new show with Suzanne Sommers.  As a very little boy I used to watch the syndicated episodes of Three's Company.  Even though I didn't understand half the jokes in the show, I thought Three's Company was awesome.  Step By Step, a kind of new take on the Brady Bunch, gave us the line, "Dana Dana Dana - you're driving me insane-a", which I continue to use on The Lovely Wife to this day.
06. Dinosaurs
Not the mama! Not the mama!  Not the mama! 'Nuff said.

Do the dance of joy!

05. Perfect Strangers
Here's another show that helped created TGIF while it was already an established sitcom hit.  I consider Perfect Strangers to be one of the greatest sitcoms ever created, and Balki Bartokomous is one of the greatest sitcom characters to ever be on TV.  And, if it wasn't for Perfect Strangers, we would never have had Family Matters. So grab your cousin Larry, herd some goats, and do the dance of joy!
04. Full House
My favorite TV show of all-time, it seems like there's nothing I can say that I haven't already said about the Tanner family.  So why isn't it higher on this list?  How rude, you say!  Well, have mercy, because Full House was only a TGIF show for the first half of its eight year run.  So there.  Cut.  It.  Out.

03. Family Matters

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

I actually remember when this show got popular.  It originally didn't feature Steve Urkel, and I don't think he was even in the pilot episode.  But I remember being at school on Monday morning and everyone talking about just how funny Urkel was.  It didn't take long for the show to become all about him.  Poor Carl Weathers.  I wonder what he's up to now.  Anyway, my point is, that Urkel was so popular on TGIF that we were still talking about it the following Monday.  Usually the mind of a kid forgets shit over the weekend. Not Urkel.  We embraced him.  Well, at least for a couple seasons of the show.  Then we all hated him. 
02. 20/20
Some would argue that Barbara Walters' show wasn't actually part of TGIF, but I consider it a staple of Friday nights on ABC.  After watching two hours of fluffy family fantasy life, Mrs. Walters would start talking about some real shit.  I mean shit like date rape, drugs, abusive kidnapping parents, and - don't make me say it - tax evasion!   It's also the only remnant of TGIF that still airs today with new episodes.  Damn, the Barbara has some longevity.
01. Boy Meets World
No other show truly represents TGIF than Boy Meets World.  Even at the age of seventeen I found myself tuning in just to see what was happening with Corey and Topanga.  Okay, mostly it was to see how incredibly attractive Topanga was getting at she got older, but we all had our reasons.  When I first moved in with The Lovely Wife we had a goldfish named Mr. Feeny.  I'd also like to point out that Boy Meets World survived, having never really having a catch TV theme song or intro.  In a time where shows like Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, and other night's shows (Roseanne, Home Improvement, Friends, Seinfeld, and American's Funniest Home Videos) used a catchy song to get our attention, Corey and Topanga didn't fucking need one. 

So there you have it.  Is there a show I'm missing?  Do you think something else should be #1? Comment below!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

He-Man & She-Ra - Hot Incest Love?

On the planet Eternia, twins were born to the royal parents King Randor and Queen Marlena. Before the tots were old enough to stop sucking on Marlena's boobs and start eating mushed up peas they were separated. Princess Adora, the girl of the two, was kidnapped by the evil Hordak. He stole her and ran away to the planet Etheria, much like Michael Jackson would run away with a small child to Neverland. Except, of course, that Michael Jackson would've kidnapped Prince Adam.

Years passed, and we all know that when Prince Adam raises his mighty sword and says, "By The Power of Grayskull..." he becomes He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. But for years, He-Man's twin sister was kept a secret from all of us. Then one day He-Man went on an adventurous quest to the planet Etheria and found his sister.

And she was a stone cold fox.

If you've never seen The Secret of The Sword (He-Man & She-Ra's feature film), I totally recommend it. It's basically an hour-and-a-half long episode of He-Man that reuses the same animation at least sixty times and has lots of background theme music that won't leave your head for weeks. He-Man (who doesn't actually know he has a sibling) is taken capture by Adora, who is working for the Evil Horde under the command of Hordak himself.

She chains up He-Man, who doesn't seem to mind the notion of being tied up by a leggy blonde all that much. He-Man pleads with Adora that she should stop being an evil bitch and start working for the good guys 'cause they kick ass. Well, except for that one guy Beau who is a big sissy.

After Adora has a bad dream, she discovers a sword just like He-Man's, and when she holds aloft her magic sword and says "For the honor of Grayskull...", then BAMMO! (Insert catchy music with a sing-a-long She-Ra, She-Ra)

This is where things get tricky. He-Man and She-Ra learn that they are in fact twins, but you can tell that He-Man still wouldn't mind sticking it in her. One of the first things they do as brother and sister is hug. Really close-like. Then they ride She-Ra's magical horse to save some dumb chick who couldn't help but get held captive so she could wait for a hero. He-Man insists on riding behind She-Ra on the horse, and while she probably feels some wiener rubbing at the back, the most powerful man in the universe is in perfect position to reach around and grab some animated Filmation boob.

Then there's more hugging. Seriously, these two hug almost as much as Danny Tanner. I don't know what things are like on Eternia and Etheria, but the only place I can think of on Earth that has as much brotherly-sisterly love is Napanee, Ontario. If you live in that town, chances are your nephew is your brother, who is also your cousin, who is also your grandma, who is Avril Lavigne.

After He-Man and She-Ra defeat Hordak, the movie ends and He-Man vows to make regular appearances on She-Ra's new show to help her sell more toys. And he does. About once every five episodes or so He-Man visits Etheria because he secretly is checking up on his sister to make sure she's not hooking up with that pansy-ass Beau. Here's a hint He-Man: Beau is clearly into dudes and is no threat to your incestuous rampage.

But is He-Man really interested in making the love to his own sister? Does he have urges to walk in on her getting out of the shower and using the "oops, didn't know anyone was here" excuse? There is no formal proof to suggest that the two have ever had 'sexual intercourse', let alone some simple spit-swapping. It's not like they have a little hero running around by the name of Kid-Child. I honestly don't think He-Man wants to shag his twin.

The reason?
He-Man is a huge Man-Whore!   

He-Man couldn't possibly have time to hook it up with his sister. Clearly he spends one-half hour of every day saving Eternia, and fifteen minutes of every day making a guest appearance to help save Etheria. When he's not being a super-hero, he's scoring with all kinds of ladies.

I've seen pictures of him flirting it up with Queen Bee, getting a kiss from Frosta, and carrying Teela off to the sunset. Even the most powerful man in the universe needs a break from pleasing the ladies.

But alas, He-Man has one true love. And that true love goes by the name of Skeletor. C'mon, he never once arrested the dude after trying to take over Eternia and Caslte Grayskull. He-Man lets Skeletor run loose to try again, and again, and again. That's because He-Man is in to the chase, and could never possibly commit himself to any one Princess of Power, or Master of the Universe.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 TV Dads

Being a dad is hard work.  Luckily, I have a really great dad who role modeled how important being a dad is.  Also, I watched a lot of family sitcoms growing up.  So, when you add these eleven dads with mine, you might say I have the best of twelve worlds.

	#11 - Danny Tanner TV show: Full House While I may be the biggest fan of this show in the world, and I wait anxiously for season seven to be released on DVD, Danny was a clean freak who needed help from Uncle Jesse and Joey Gladstone. Danny couldn't do it on his own.
	#10 - Willie Tanner TV show: ALF Hey Willie!  There's two Tanners on this list!  I wonder if they're related?  Willie the type of dad who would let their kids bring home the pets they found in the park.  And it just so happens his kids found an alien in the garage.
	#9 - Carl Winslow TV show: Family Matters While putting up with the whining of Steve Urkel, Carl managed to be a police officer... and it's rumored he sold cocaine on the side to make ends meet.
	#8 - Tim "The Toolman" Taylor TV show: Home Improvement Was Jill really sleeping with Al Borland? I mean Tim's heart was always in the right place, but really man do you need to go to Wilson for everything?
	#7 - Alan Matthews TV show: Boy Meets World Mr. Feeney was the real father... Al is only here cause I think the mom on that show was hot. I know, I'm a sick, sick man.
	#6 - Nick Russo TV show: Blossom This rock n' roll guy married a hot British chick, and never once did he crack and murder his son Joey for shouting "Whoa!"
	#5 - Jason Seaver TV show: Growing Pains Not only did he have a typical "dad" haircut, but he also did Woolco advertisements. Yeah, hardly seems fair to get number five.
	#4 - Steven Keaton TV show: Family Ties Much like Russo, Steven here never snapped from hearing "Yo Mallory!" everyday, and that's much more harsh on the ears. He was a dirty hippy who had to deal with a capitalist son.
	#3 - Al Bundy TV show: Married... With Children Scored four touchdowns in one game. 'Nuff said.
	#2 - Dan Conner TV show: Roseanne He was a real dad. The type of dad that real people have. He wanted to murder all of his daughters' boyfriends. And that's what real dads want to do.
	#1 - Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable TV show: The Cosby Show With everything that's come to light about the Cos over the last couple years, I think it's important to remember Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable as the ultimate dad.  There's no reason we should let reality alter our perceptions of the family life the Huxtables had. I know it's hard, but really - search your soul and you'll see - Dr. Huxtable was the dad we all wanted to have.  With his Jello pudding, Kodak film, jazz music, and rape drugs.  I mean, wait... what.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2015

 It's that time of year again, when I open up my heart and let you in on all my Christmas wishes for this holiday season.  While some of these may seem a little far-reaching, or even unattainable, I'd like to remind you that in the past I wished for several things that did come true (a Stanley Cup in Boston in 2011, the Ruby-Spears Superman cartoon on DVD, and a new Aerosmith album, just to name a few).  And of course there's one item that has eluded me since Christmas 1999.  So, as usual, we'll start there.

A Goddam Frigging Uncle Jesse Doll
Look, there's something that can be said about being persistent.   This doll has been at the top of my Christmas Wish List for just about forever (...and I'd ask the sky just what we had...), and I haven't gotten it yet.  Not either version of the bloody thing.  Originally I was simply asking for the Rockin' Uncle Jesse.  The one with the guitar and red shirt.  The guitar opens up to show pictures of Jesse's family.  These days, though, I feel as though my Christmas Wish has compounded interest and I won't settle for just the Rockin' Jesse.  Nope, I want the four-pack of dolls that include Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, and the twins.  I've seen these on eBay for about $200, still in their packaging.  I'm not picky.  They don't need to still be in the package.  I'd just take them out and play with them anyway.  So, if everyone would just chip in a few bucks, my Christmas wish could come true.  Now, I also realize that I could drop my own money on these toys, and that's okay, but here's the thing - I really want this given to me as a gift.  I want someone to find this doll somewhere and think of me.  Please, don't spend two hundred bucks on a toy.  Unless you want me to love you forever (...because I'll be so happy loving you...).

There's plenty of mercy to be had by all!

More Beer from Wychwood Brewery
I'm a big fan of Hobgoblin, and all of it's ugly sisters.  Seriously, King Goblin makes me all happy inside.  Even Hobgoblin Gold is a nice afternoon ale.  The Wychwood Brewery has been making quality beers for the better half of my legal adulthood.  The one exception is "Scarecrow", which is a fucking horrid piece of shit beer.  Stop brewing it, guys.  I'd like to see a return of Fiddler's Elbow and Black Wych, or an easier way to get Imperial Red than buying a gift pack that includes a bottle of Scarecrow.  So let's see what else these brew masters can come up with.  Maybe something with a dragon on the label?  Or a fire-breathing unicorn drinking blood? I know!  A one-eyed rabbit!  Those guys are awesome.  Keep up the good non-Scarecrow brews!

Christopher Reeve as Superman again

He'd whoop Batman's ass.

A few years back, some of the lost Superman IV: The Quest For Peace footage turned up as bonus material on a DVD release, but it wasn't all of it.  I'd really like to see that movie in it's entirety, even if it is a piece of shit.  Even if the graphics are awful, and the story is boring, and the actors are just phoning it in.  To me, it's another chance to see Christopher Reeve as Superman.  Hell, I'd even settle for someone using some nifty animation to fill in the gaps of the story.   But why stop there?  Why not make some direct-to-DVD animated features in the style of the classic Superman movies?  There were plot ideas for Superman battling with Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk, and since CGI is good enough now to pull it off, all you'd need is some voice-alikes to make it all work.  Brandon Routh even sounded like Reeve when he did Superman Returns.  I'd buy them.  I'd watch them.  I think it's something that would make us all happy.
Note: In the meantime, there's a very good fan video on YouTube of Christopher Reeve's Superman battling the Hulk.  You should watch it.

A Lifetime Supply of Almonds
This one shouldn't be too hard to take care of.  Let's suppose I eat thirty whole almonds each day.  We then multiply that by how many days I expect to live, and it just becomes an easy math equation.  We let "A" represent almonds, "R" represent me, and ... and... math is hard.

don't forget to carry the one!

naughty time with you, me, and the lovely wife
I'm just gonna leave this here until she gives me trouble for it.

...or how about just a goddam Uncle Jesse doll?  Is it too much to ask?

- ryan

The Best of 2014

The year is almost over, and thus it is time once again for my picks as the best of the last twelve months.  I think it's important to note that anybody's "top" list is always just an opinion of personal taste, so if you don't agree with my selections that's just too bad.

Here we go!

Mahhhkey Mahhhhhk!

Movies
I'd say that 2014 was a darn good year for movies.  Sure there was some awful shit from Michael Bay, but we're all accustomed to just avoiding those flicks by now.  As usual, my picks aren't going to win the Oscar for Best Picture, but they certainly entertained me.
1. Dawn of The Planet of The Apes
2. Muppets Most Wanted
3. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For
4. The Expendables 3
5. The Lego Movie
*special honorable mention to Personal Space Invader


Songs

I never liked Bruno Mars until this.

2014 will go down as the greatest year of shitty pop music.  There was so much typical garbage on the radio that I just couldn't avoid, and also didn't want to.  Hell, I even caught myself singing along to "Let It Go" with my daughter.
1. Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson
2. Say Fuck It - Buckcherry
3. You Really Got A Hold On Me - Smokey Robinson & Steven Tyler
4. Breakfast Can Wait - Prince
5. Word Crimes - "Weird Al" Yankovic

Puddin'

Comics (I refuse to call these things "graphic novels") 
DC Comics leads the way in 2014, with Harley Quinn by Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner.  Seriously, it's the most consistent fun in comics right now, and it even warranted a whole blog from me about it. 
1. Harley Quinn (inc. all the specials and annuals)
2. He-Man & The Masters of The Universe
3. Alice Cooper
4. Aw Yeah Comics
5. Adventures of Superman

Brucio.

Books (yeah, I read more than just comics...)
This was the hardest list for me to compile because, while I do read a lot of books - mostly autobiographies - it's pretty rare that I buy them when they're brand new releases.  I usually wait for them to go on clearance price or show up in the second hand shops for $4.  With that said, there were a few books I couldn't wait to read this year.
1.Let's Start A Riot - Bruce McCulloch
2. Dirty Daddy - Bob Saget
3. Rocks - Joe Perry
4. Jim Henson; The Biography - Brian Jay Jones
5. Frozen: Olaf's "A Day In The Sun" sticker book

Mmmmmmmmmmm

Babes
Well, it looks as though I've finally taken Miss Lexi Belle off the top of my babes list.  Really though, it's probably because I don't want you - my loyal fans - to think that I'm a hyper-perv.  Okay, we all know Lexi will always be #1 in my heart of babes, but let's let Paige have her turn on top for a while.
1. Paige (WWF Diva)
2. Lexi Belle
3. Taylor Swift
4. Jessica Alba
5. Molly Quinn

Nick Miller is the man.

TV Shows
I think it's important to note that I didn't actually start getting into New Girl until this past summer.  It's that darn good.
1. New Girl
2. Gotham
3. Tosh.0
4. The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
5. Storage Wars

- ryan of the ryan fan club

All I Want For Christmas...

...is just a little bit of thoughtfulness.

Long Live Ryan.

Where did the excitement go when it comes to Christmas presents?

Remember when you were a kid, and for some of you I'm sure it wasn't that long ago, there was always one present you opened on Christmas Day that was a big surprise?  I'm not talking about that one special item you put on top of your list to Santa (ie Uncle Jesse action figure) and you waited patiently for it until the 25th of December.

I'm talking about that one very thoughtful gift you never knew you wanted, but when you received it you couldn't possibly have ever lived without it before.

It seems we're all so concerned about filling someone's list.  Checking off items to appease each other and keep each other happy.  Or maybe because it's just easier that way.

Case in point - my dad visited me the other day while I was working.  I had casually mentioned to him the day before that I'd like to have Bob Saget's book, "Dirty Daddy".  This was our conversation:

"Hi son.  That book... what section of the bookstore is it in?"

"Comedy."

"Good good.  Do you know how much it is?"

"I dunno. Probably twenty-five bucks or so."

"Good... so listen, if Dana asks you what you want for Christmas... don't let her get you that book."

"B" is for thoughtfulness.

And so, just like that, I knew exactly what I'm getting for Christmas this year.

When I first moved out on my own, that first Christmas away, my parents wrapped up a box of pancake mix and a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup.  It was one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given and I still think about it today.  I didn't need fancy electronics or new jeans.  I need some goddam pancakes.

I actually spend too much time doing my Christmas shopping.  I rarely just grab something off the shelf just because it's the $9.99 price point and easy to wrap.  I said "rarely" because there is one person I have to shop for that every year I go out of my way to buy them the stupidest, most pointless thing I can find... but even that takes a bit of thoughtfulness.  Seriously, I put a lot of thought into buying something pointless (to me) and they end up loving it every year.

Even my wonderful wife is guilty of checking off items on a list.  She'll ask me what I want and then tell me I'm very difficult to shop for.  In all truth, I am the type of person who will just go and buy something if I want it.  I'm a very spur-of-the-moment consumer.  This is no joke, if there's a package of peanut butter cups by the cash register I'll buy it.  If there's something Aerosmith-related by the cash register and I don't already have it, I'll buy six of them.  If I already have it, I might just grab one in case my house gets broken in to  and that item is stolen before I can get home.

But I always tell my lovely wife how easy I am to shop for.  I'm a marketer's dream.  Just slap a Bruins "B" or the Aerosmith "A" or a Superman "S" on a cup, keychain, drum sticks, bottle opener, or nuclear warhead and I'll love it as a gift.  Now that I put that to writing, I might just be a sucker for things with a letter associated in their logo.
Note: I have a pair of Aerosmith drum sticks but I do not own a drum kit, nor do I know how to play that instrument.  I can see them from where I'm sitting in my Fan Cave, and though I know they have no use to me whatsoever I love them dearly.

I drawed this up real good.

I also like stars and the color pink.  A gift for me could be pink underwear.  Or underwear with stars as a pattern.  Or... now get this... pink underwear with stars on them!  Now that I've made those three suggestions, I kinda hope I don't end up with any of those as gifts - that would be just like checking it off a list of something I have almost predetermined myself to have. 

Also, it's a well known fact that I like to draw.  A gift for me could be a new sketchbook.  Or some pencils.  Or a beautiful naked woman that will live in my basement and act as a model for me whenever I feel like drawing.  She could live off a diet of spaghetti and water.  I'm sure she would like it.  And I'm pretty sure that isn't illegal if it's a gift.  I don't really know.

So, in closing, all I really want for Christmas is some thoughtfulness.  And an Uncle Jesse action figure.

- ryan

My Christmas Wish List 2014

We're friends Santa... for now.

As those kids in the Peanuts gang say, Christmas Time Is Here!

And that means another round of items on Christmas Wish List!  Over the years I've asked for a few things from Santa Claus that weren't available in any department store.  I asked for a Stanley Cup in Boston at Christmas 2010, and they Bruins won one in 2011.  I've also asked for things to come out on DVD, and Santa made that happen for me.

I've also asked, repeatedly, for an Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been asking for that doll on the top of my list for about ten years now, with no avail.  So I've decided this year not to ask for it.  That's right, I'm giving up on the one Christmas present that would fill me with yuletide cheer.  I guess it's just time to move on.

So here's my special list for Christmas 2014:

Born To Ride

John Stamos Is Born To Ride on Blu-Ray
If I can't get an elusive Uncle Jesse doll from Santa then I want the next best thing.  It's the greatest movie of all-time that has never been released on DVD or Blu-Ray.  And I kinda accidentally taped over my VHS copy of it while trying to convert it to digital.  So there you go Santa, to get my Stamos fix this holiday, how about Born To Ride on Blu-Ray?  If you've never seen this classic film, it's almost like imagining Uncle Jesse has traveled back into the past to find love in the war-time.  Yep, I can't make that one up Santa.
And while you're at it, how about hooking us up with a Blu-Ray of Never Too Young To Die?

A Night Of Manly Drinking With My Not-Yet-Best-Friend Nick Miller

Nick Friggin' Miller

I have recently become hooked on that show, New Girl, and let me tell you something: Nick Miller might just be the greatest man in the world.  I'd seriously like to hang out with this guy and get drunk with him while watching football.  And I don't even like football all that much.  I would call it a man-crush or anything like that.  It's more like Nick Miller is the dude I'd like to see myself becoming.  And the best way to do that is over a few manly drinks.  Santa, make it happen.

Johnny Boychuk Back In Boston
I think my favorite team made a huge mistake when they traded one of their most reliable defensemen  away this year.  Boychuk throws the body, scores goals, and uplifts the team's morale.  Since he's been gone, my Bruins just haven't had much of an identity.  And hey, if you glance closely at him, sometimes he looks a little like Bobby Orr.  Come on Bruins, BRING BACK BOYCHUK!  Santa, you need to get involved in this.

We miss you, good sir.  Sincerely, the fans.

A Sweet Kiss From Miss Taylor Swift.

Mmmmmmm

...and by "kiss" I actually mean rough, dirty, sweaty, nasty, morally unsure, ass-to-mouth, consensual, naked lovin'.  Even if it only lasts the usual twelve minutes.
'Cause the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate... and the 'baiters gonna bait, bait, bait, bait, bait....
But what if she then somehow fell hopelessly in love with me?  Let's not kid ourselves here, Santa, I don't have any intention of marrying Taylor Swift and growing old with her.  I just wanna do the dirty stuff with her because she kinda looks a bit like my favorite porn star.  Oh, and I'd like to tell all my friends about afterward too.  So if you can't make this one happen, I guess I'll understand.

A GODDAM UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE...
FUCK IT, I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO!   AND SINCE I'VE WAITED SO PATIENTLY, I WANT THE WHOLE TANNER FAMILY NOW TOO.   FUCK YOU SANTA CLAUS!  FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING EGG NOG!  WHY IS THERE NEVER AN UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE?  I'M A GOOD MAN.  I PAY MY TAXES.  I BRUSH MY TEETH.  I WEAR DEODORANT.  I SMILE AT STRANGERS - AND NOT JUST THE SEXY WOMEN I'D LIKE TO SLEEP WITH EITHER.  I'M NICE TO THE WEIRDOS ON THE BUS WHO PICK GUNK OUT OF THEIR EARS WITH THEIR KEYS!  GODDAMMIT!  HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A PLASTIC REPLICA OF THE SINGLE GREATEST HUMAN BEING THAT EVER HAD A NUMBER ONE HIT IN JAPAN FOR COVERING A BEACH BOYS SONG?  IS IT BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE?  I BET THAT'S IT.  SANTA, ARE YOU PUNISHING ME BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE A FRIGGING CAR?  FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
HAVE MERCY, SANTA.  HAVE.  FUCKING.  MERCY.
(and if it's not too much trouble, could I PLEASE just have an Uncle Jesse doll this year?)

- ryan of the ryan fan club

We can always get another kitchen.  We can never get another Stephanie.  Or apparently an Uncle Jesse Doll.

Top 11 Lessons Learned on Full House

Fuller House is here!  So let's not forget the important lessons we learned from the original show.  

Here we go...

11. Las Vegas Ain't the Spot to Get Married
Jesse and Becky nearly got married in Las Vegas, at the Fabulous Hotel Ali Baba & Casino, but she called it off at the last minute because she wasn't ready. Clearly, it was the right place to do the "I Do".

10. If You Wanna Be Alone, Use A Red Light
Jesse built a recording studio in the Tanner basement and to ensure his privacy he also installed a red light at the top of the stairs to alert the family that he was busy and not to be disturbed. It worked so well that when he and Joey locked themselves in, nobody bothered checking up on them.

9. When Life Gives You A Dilemma, Make Dilemmenade
Danny Tanner often told his daughters this little piece of advice when they were in trouble, and honestly, it's stuck with me my entire life. 

What ever happened to predictability? The milk man? The paper boy?  The evening TV?

8. To Marry A Girl, Walk Her Around the Table
Subsequently, if you want to un-marry a girl all you need to do is walk around the table together backwards!

7. Credit is "Buy Now - Pay Later"
DJ really wanted a sweater but couldn't afford it, so Stephanie took the sweater from the store with every intention of someday paying for it. Little did Stephanie know she actually stole the sweater, and DJ couldn't get the security tag off.

6. A Goldfish Doesn't Need A Bath
Poor Martin. Joey bought Michelle a pet goldfish at the fair and she took him everywhere with her. Things turned for the worse when Michelle learned all about life and death, and how goldfish don't need to be bathed. 

Everywhere you look, there's a heart - a hand to hold on to.

5. An Eating Disorder Can Be Resolved In 22 Minutes
DJ needed to lose weight to look good for Cathy Santoni's party. So she went on a diet. At first it was a great idea; vegetables instead of chips, and water instead of soda! But then DJ stopped eating all together, and nearly collapsed on the treadmill at the local gym. After a talk about self-image with the Tanner family, everything was great and DJ didn't have an eating disorder anymore by next week's episode.

4. We Can Always Get Another Kitchen, We Can NEVER Get Another Stephanie
This one is probably my favorite episode. Stephanie drives Joey's car through the wall and into the kitchen. The cost to repair the damage was most likely more than the amount of money Danny Tanner had already put into his daughter's life. And just to make sure she wouldn't run away to Mexico, they all went out for ice cream!

3. Don't Let Your Niece Cut Your Mullet
If you, like Uncle Jesse, have a super-sweet mullet then please take this advice: Do not step into your niece's "pretend" salon... especially if she's holding real scissors.

2. Tomato = Fruit
A tomato is NOT a vegetable. Failure to recognize this can result in you being arrested, missing your wedding, and having to stand idly by while your  beautiful fiancé must marry Joey Gladstone because it was your request.

1. Any Crisis That Is Too Big Can Be Resolved With The Help of the Beach Boys
Are you lost on a strange island? If so, the Beach Boys can help you find your way back to civilization! Are you a struggling musician who can't seem to write their own music? Just ask the Beach Boys for one of their songs to re-make and turn into a #1 hit in Japan! Are you hosting a telethon and are just a few hundred dollars away from the goal? The Beach Boys would love to show up and push you over the top!

And remember, when you're lost out there and you're all alone... the light is waiting to carry you home.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan