My Christmas Wish List 2014

We're friends Santa... for now.

As those kids in the Peanuts gang say, Christmas Time Is Here!

And that means another round of items on Christmas Wish List!  Over the years I've asked for a few things from Santa Claus that weren't available in any department store.  I asked for a Stanley Cup in Boston at Christmas 2010, and they Bruins won one in 2011.  I've also asked for things to come out on DVD, and Santa made that happen for me.

I've also asked, repeatedly, for an Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been asking for that doll on the top of my list for about ten years now, with no avail.  So I've decided this year not to ask for it.  That's right, I'm giving up on the one Christmas present that would fill me with yuletide cheer.  I guess it's just time to move on.

So here's my special list for Christmas 2014:

Born To Ride

John Stamos Is Born To Ride on Blu-Ray
If I can't get an elusive Uncle Jesse doll from Santa then I want the next best thing.  It's the greatest movie of all-time that has never been released on DVD or Blu-Ray.  And I kinda accidentally taped over my VHS copy of it while trying to convert it to digital.  So there you go Santa, to get my Stamos fix this holiday, how about Born To Ride on Blu-Ray?  If you've never seen this classic film, it's almost like imagining Uncle Jesse has traveled back into the past to find love in the war-time.  Yep, I can't make that one up Santa.
And while you're at it, how about hooking us up with a Blu-Ray of Never Too Young To Die?

A Night Of Manly Drinking With My Not-Yet-Best-Friend Nick Miller

Nick Friggin' Miller

I have recently become hooked on that show, New Girl, and let me tell you something: Nick Miller might just be the greatest man in the world.  I'd seriously like to hang out with this guy and get drunk with him while watching football.  And I don't even like football all that much.  I would call it a man-crush or anything like that.  It's more like Nick Miller is the dude I'd like to see myself becoming.  And the best way to do that is over a few manly drinks.  Santa, make it happen.

Johnny Boychuk Back In Boston
I think my favorite team made a huge mistake when they traded one of their most reliable defensemen  away this year.  Boychuk throws the body, scores goals, and uplifts the team's morale.  Since he's been gone, my Bruins just haven't had much of an identity.  And hey, if you glance closely at him, sometimes he looks a little like Bobby Orr.  Come on Bruins, BRING BACK BOYCHUK!  Santa, you need to get involved in this.

We miss you, good sir.  Sincerely, the fans.

A Sweet Kiss From Miss Taylor Swift.

Mmmmmmm

...and by "kiss" I actually mean rough, dirty, sweaty, nasty, morally unsure, ass-to-mouth, consensual, naked lovin'.  Even if it only lasts the usual twelve minutes.
'Cause the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate... and the 'baiters gonna bait, bait, bait, bait, bait....
But what if she then somehow fell hopelessly in love with me?  Let's not kid ourselves here, Santa, I don't have any intention of marrying Taylor Swift and growing old with her.  I just wanna do the dirty stuff with her because she kinda looks a bit like my favorite porn star.  Oh, and I'd like to tell all my friends about afterward too.  So if you can't make this one happen, I guess I'll understand.

A GODDAM UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE...
FUCK IT, I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO!   AND SINCE I'VE WAITED SO PATIENTLY, I WANT THE WHOLE TANNER FAMILY NOW TOO.   FUCK YOU SANTA CLAUS!  FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING EGG NOG!  WHY IS THERE NEVER AN UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE?  I'M A GOOD MAN.  I PAY MY TAXES.  I BRUSH MY TEETH.  I WEAR DEODORANT.  I SMILE AT STRANGERS - AND NOT JUST THE SEXY WOMEN I'D LIKE TO SLEEP WITH EITHER.  I'M NICE TO THE WEIRDOS ON THE BUS WHO PICK GUNK OUT OF THEIR EARS WITH THEIR KEYS!  GODDAMMIT!  HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A PLASTIC REPLICA OF THE SINGLE GREATEST HUMAN BEING THAT EVER HAD A NUMBER ONE HIT IN JAPAN FOR COVERING A BEACH BOYS SONG?  IS IT BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE?  I BET THAT'S IT.  SANTA, ARE YOU PUNISHING ME BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE A FRIGGING CAR?  FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
HAVE MERCY, SANTA.  HAVE.  FUCKING.  MERCY.
(and if it's not too much trouble, could I PLEASE just have an Uncle Jesse doll this year?)

- ryan of the ryan fan club

We can always get another kitchen.  We can never get another Stephanie.  Or apparently an Uncle Jesse Doll.