The Worst Date I'd Ever Had

Everybody's had one really awful date.  True love doesn't just fall into your lap, you know.

I was decent looking in 2002.

Mine occurred in Spring 2002, about three months before I met the girl I'd eventually spend the rest of my life with.

The worst date I ever had was with a girl we'll call "MargarineGirl".  Not because I'm trying to be mean to her, but because I can't actually remember her name... and honestly, I never really knew what it was for certain to begin with.  One thing I'm sure of, is her name sounded like "Margarine".  Yep, I went on a date with a girl who's name I couldn't even pronounce.

C'mon, she was really pretty.

MargarineGirl was a friend of a friend whom I'd always thought was pretty attractive.  And she was really cool too.   I bumped into her one day downtown and she was looking for a job.  I offered to pay her to clean my apartment for me.  She laughed about it after actually considering it, and honestly I had hoped she would do it.  My roommate at the time, Joshua Lindsay Mercer Clements, was the type of guy to clip his toenails and leave them on the living room table.

Gross.

Anyway, when I offered her some temporary employment she asked why I didn't ask my slutty girlfriend to clean my apartment for me.  I let her know that I was recently single, which resulted in me getting MargarineGirl's phone number and the promise that she wouldn't be cleaning my apartment for me.

I called MargarineGirl later that week to set up a date.  She was in the bubble bath while talking on the phone to me.  I still think that's kinda awesome.  And really, it made me extra excited for our upcoming date.

This isn't actually MargarineGirl

We met at a Second Cup coffee shop, one that doesn't exist anymore and has been converted into a Starbucks, and she was right on time.  That's a big deal to me. Punctuality is important.  Especially if I want to get naked and do the dirty with you.  It's not as important as cleanliness, but it's still in the top five.

So we each had a hot chocolate and talked.

About nothing.

Nothing at all.

I've had quite a few first dates in my time, and usually they're a great chance to get to know someone new.  An opportunity to chat about what you like, what you enjoy doing, where you're from, etc etc.

Nope.  MargarineGirl was boring as fuck.  And so was I.  I actually hope that somewhere she's blogging about a boring date she once had with a guy named BoringSelfIndulgentFanClubGuy.  That would be pretty sweet.

We tried a couple times to get the conversation ball rolling, but nothing.  She asked me why I had my own fan club.  I told her.  She didn't think it was funny.  I asked about how her classes at Queen's University were going.  I think she said she was a literature major or a psychology major... so she had nothing really important to say about that either.

To put this in perspective, I was once stood up on a blind date with a girl from ICQ (remember that?) and it was a way better date than the one with MargarineGirl.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

We then decided this was the most boring date we'd ever been on, and that I should just walk her home.  I didn't really want to, but the weather had turned to rain and I was the only one of us that had an umbrella, so I did the right thing.  Also, maybe I'd get a one-afternoon stand out of this.  Perhaps she was one of those cool girls who were just really into random sex.

Nope.

We had more boring conversation about nothing at all as we walked back to her place.  And after what seemed like forever, but was really only fifteen minutes, we were at her front door.

"I hope you understand," she said, "that I'm not going to invite you in."
"I hope you understand," I replied, realizing that any random sex was not going to happen, "that I don't really want to come in."

Then I walked myself home.  And, really, I actually meant what I said to her.  In that moment, I really didn't want to go into MargarineGirl's place and do dirty things with her.  Even if I had been thinking about it all week and what it would be like.  I know it sounds crazy that while I hadn't been offered any sex, if I had then I may have turned it down.  I had concluded to myself that she'd probably be very boring in bed too.  And she would probably think I was extremely boring in bed too.

We were both just boring as fuck that day.

And that made MargarineGirl the worst date I'd ever had.

- ryan