Yes, you clicked the right link today.
Basically today we'll be taking a look at two of my favorite things on this planet. Namely, boobies. If you wanna just call them "boobs" that's fine too. Whatever makes you happy. Just be sure that when you're in the company of boobies, you're happy. Nothing brings a smile to a guy's face (and some girls too.. the one's that are awesome) quite like breasts. So let us squeeze out a little history, cup on to some notions, and bounce around some thoughts that will ultimately go round and round your head all day.
Oh, and by the way, could you make a little eye contact please?
Part 1. The History of Boobies
Boobies were created at the dawn of time when some God-person first created man. This is absolutley true no matter what faith or religion you follow. Before Adam and Eve were ever molded Goddius Maximus made a scientist out of Lego named Dr. Von Booblestein. He was lonely and removed his feet to create the very first set of boobies. Since Lego blocks were square and pointy, the first draft failed. They looked nothing like today's boobs at all.
Dr. Von Booblestein continued his work much through his later years and on his death bed he pronounced, "
Should there ever be one to follow me on this great planet, than please let them be of the non-square-ish variety".
Booblestein's prayers were answered, and thus Adam was created. But he was lonely and wanted some boobies to look at, so a woman named Eve followed. You know the rest of the story. Adam stares at Eve's boobs and she realizes because of her boobies that she can make him do whatever she wants. She wanted an apple, yadda yadda, go read a book.
Boobies continued to be popular all thru history (except for during the Plague, cause they were all gross looking at that point) and continue to be very popular today.
Part 2. Cleavage
What is it about Boobies that make us as men completely stunned and jaw-dropped? Well, to put it simply,
They're Boobies. That is the only logical answer that could possibly exist.
There are many different types of boobies, which I will get into in a minute, but one thing is for certain: all of them look good when they're giving off cleavage. Cleavage is that one thing that women strive to achieve when putting on that tight shirt. Cleavage is that framed piece of artwork that makes men's eyes pop out of their heads... and their... no... I'm not gonna say it. Cleavage can be defined as
A set of breasts that are pushed together with a bra to the point that they can hold a pencil between themselves. If the pencil falls, it ain't cleavage.
Part 3. More Than A Handful
And that brings us to cup sizes. Some girls are not blessed with large boobies. That doesn't mean they're boobies are bad. No, not at all. Every woman has great boobies, and just because you can't get cleavage because you are "flat as a board" doesn't mean your boobs aren't great too. In fact, the A-Cup chest is a set of boobs with much to prove. Often overlooked by the dudes at the bar, you never know when these savages will escape their confines to poke someone's eye out. The next time you pass over a girl because she seems small-chested, just say to yourself, "Wait a sec... are they really missing, or are they just waiting for the opportune moment to strike?" Remember, no matter what, she has a nice set of personalities.
Some women have really large boobies and are constantly falling out of their shirts. There gets to a point where the boobs become too big and take on a life of their own. Fake boobs have a tendency of doing this to a person. One day a girl is just sitting there looking at her average boobs and says to herself "
Wow, I have lots of student loan money left over... I should make my boobs bigger." Beware the risk of this. Fake boobs are a double-ended sword. They give pleasure to the eye, but they are really monsters inside that continue to grow and grow until the person has become nothing but breasts.
On the subject of different kinds boobs, some men have boobs too. They're called Man-Boobs. They're gross.
Moving on...
Part 4. Famous Boobies
As a society, we are fascinated by boobies. Let's face it, when we were young we couldn't for the life of us figure out why our dads were listening to Dolly Parton records. Sure,
9 to 5 is a catchy enough tune, but it was her boobs that landed her that duet with Kenny Rogers, and it was her boobs that scored her that guest appearance on Alvin & The Chipmunks.
Take a look at Britney Spears. When she hit MTV with that video of her as a schoolgirl, she didn't really have any boobs. Then the next day, WHAMMO! She must've developed quickly or quickly spent the money she made off that first single.
Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I get my boobs enlarged.
Lindsay Lohan (God Bless her boobs) had to have her boobies made digitally smaller when she did that Herbie movie. That just goes to show that we are all so infatuated with them as a whole that we'll do anything just to play with them.
Step 5. Boobie Nicknames
No good guide to Boobies would be complete without a list of Nicknames for these wonderful creations. So feel free to start calling boobies these:
- Fun Bags
- Hooters
- Dirty Pillows
- Knockers
- Melons
- Titties
- Ta-tas
- Torpedos
- Jugs
- Merv Griffins
- Balloons
- Chesticles
- Gazongas
- Sweater Muffins
In case you thought this was going to be a nature blog about the Blue Footed Boobies of South America, here's a link that will give you some info about them.
http://gosouthamerica.about.com/cs/galapagosislands/l/blpixwildbooby.htm.
Goodnight! And thanks for reading!
- ryan
A postman from the sky
