God Spills The Beans

Repent!  Represent!

...so last night while I was dreaming, the good lord paid me a visit in my sleep.  Yep, I'm one of the fortunate, and rare millions of individuals, who have had a cameo appearance by God in one of my dreams.  Was it the five pints of Rickard's Red I drank?  Maybe the McDonald's I had afterwards?  I really don't know what caused it.

What I do know, though, is that God gave me some specific messages to pass on to everyone.  I'm sure he came to me because of my legions of adoring fans and supporters.  That has to be it.  Anyway, here's what God wants YOU to know:

His name isn't actually God.
Yeah, as it turns out there was a spelling mistake in some of the oldest texts ever printed about religion and faith.  You see, God's real name is actually Gord.  Yeah, there's supposed to be an "R" in there.  I asked him if he was shitting me, and the good lord assured me that he wasn't shitting me.

"...creating bibles and such was an expensive task back in those days because they were all done by hand.  Once the first few were printed with my name spelled wrong, I just ran with it.  I had to!  I mean, by the time anyone actually realized there was an error, people had already written hymns in which they'd rhymed my name.  I just couldn't take that away from people."

I didn't mention that Gord rhymes with Lord.  I've never been bitch-slapped before and don't want my first time to come from his Holiness.  

The creator of all things ain't down with the vegans.
He actually told me this and then showed me a recipe for cooking elephants.  Fucking elephants!  Now that's an appetite.  I asked the lord why he thinks vegans are crazy, and I actually had to cut him off because he started ranting away worse than I normally do.

"... when I created chickens and cows, the whole point was to have some eggs and milk to go along with the bacon at breakfast time.  I get a lot of flack from the apostles for giving human beings freedom of choice and, Gord-Dammit, maybe they were right."

That's when I high-fived him.  Not for his views and beliefs about vegan lifestyles, but because he took his own name in vain.  I never realized just how awesome Gord is.  Maybe I'll hang out at church more often.

The Good Lord is Big-time coupon cutter.
Yep.  Dude LOVES saving a buck on tampons.

It's a toxic shocker of a deal!

The All-Knowing doesn't know what to do with Pinterest.

Gord loves this pic because it captures his good side.

He said he tried it a few times and wasn't too sure what he was doing.  Ultimately, and this is just speculation from what he was telling me, I think he was just discouraged that nobody was re-pinning his elephant recipe.  He didn't seem too keen on keeping up with Pinterest but insisted that I accept his invitation to something called Linked-In.  I dunno.  I almost dropped a comment about "pinning" his son to the cross, but again I feared the bitch-slap from heaven.

Then Gord asked me if there was anything I was curious about.
"Actually, yeah, what's the meaning of - -"
"Anything but that.  I'm sick of people asking me that."
"Oh.  Okay.  Well, is it true that 76% of female orgasms are faked because they just want to go to sleep?"

That's when Gord shrugged his shoulders and I woke up.  Enlightened.  Two things became crystal clear to me in that moment - it was up to me to pass these messages on from Gord... and I really had to pee.  Challenge accepted!

- ryan