First To A Million Wins!

...as many of you may already know, I've been at war for nearly eleven years.

Monopoly Millionaire

Sure, this war through the ages has been done on the Monopoly battlefield but that doesn't make it any less intense than anything that's happened in Iraq.  It all started in in the summer of 2002 when my good chum Scott outsmarted a group of us by giving away most of his properties in exchange for immunity.  Basically, he left himself with a complete set of green properties (Pacific Ave, North Carolina Ave, and Pennsylvania Ave) and built up to hotels on them.  But in a brilliant strategic move of his, he didn't ever have to pay anybody else when he landed on their property.  He had immunity from every other player in the game.  Slowly, we all withered away and went bankrupt while he raked in moderate amounts of money.

Ever since then, it's been goddam all-out war against Scott whenever we pass GO and collect our $200.  Oh, and we initiated a "No Immunity" rule for any future games.  We weren't going to be fooled again by his back of tricks.  (On a side note, his bag of tricks is full of all kinds of STDs, some of which haven't even been discovered yet)

2006 - I beat Scott for the Monopoly title.

So this past Christmas I was given a new Monopoly game called Monopoly Millionaire.  At first I was skeptical.  I like my Monopoly to be pretty pure.  I can't get into all the different special editions with Star Wars, Disney, and Hello Kitty on them.  Show me a Ron Jeremy Monopoly board and I might change my mind.  But a gift is a gift, and I'm not a rude person.  At least not when it comes to gifts.  And you can bet I was pretty quick to challenge Scott at Monopoly Millionaire.  I wanted nothing more than to outsmart him and leave him jaded the way he humiliated me in 2002.  Whenever we play in a group of people, I don't even care if I win... I just want Scott to lose.  That's not too much to ask for.

The object of Monopoly Millionaire is simple: The first person to accumulate a million dollars in cash wins the game.  No questions asked.

The game-play rules are all pretty straight forward too.  You still get paid for passing go, collect rent, build houses, mortgage properties, trade stuff, and just like in real Monopoly the Free Parking space is supposed to be nothing but a rest square.  There are some new additions though, like mini-cards that let you steal property from other players and refuse to pay if someone demands your loot.

There really aren't many rules that come with the game, so if Monopoly Millionaire is going to be around forever, I expect a dozen different "house rules" to pop up here and there.  And that discovery right there is what led me to degrade Scott twice at this simple little board game.

The first time was a couple months ago.  We were playing with my wife, Dana, and it was an intense battle.  It seemed like there would be no survivors.  Fuck, we play for keeps.  Sure enough, Scott had a horseshoe up his ass (likely hanging out with some of the STDs) and was three spaces away from passing GO with eight-hundred thousand dollars in cash in his hand.  Passing GO would give him a salary of $250K and he'd win the game.  He was glowing with herpes and gloating like a maniac about how he was about to destroy me again.  I couldn't let it happen.  It was my turn to roll the dice.  I had to do something brash.  So I looked over at my lovely wife.

Ryan: "How much money do you have?"
Dana: "Ummm... looks like six-hundred thousand bucks..."
Ryan: "I tell you what... I'll give you four-hundred thousand for your shittiest fucking property.  I want the dirtiest of the projects where all the welfare cases live."

2011 - Scott wins in less than 30 minutes.  I'm clearly mad.

Dana: "That's crazy.  Why would you do that?"
Ryan: "Just make the trade."

That's when Scott clued in to what was going on and called me every dirty name in the book.  I had never been called a "horse-fucker" or a "can of cock meat" before.  I'll have to add those to my repertoire.  When Dana realized what was up, she naturally took the trade.  Nothing makes her happier than winning, especially beating me at ANY game.  Seriously, you should see her pout when I beat her at Mario Kart.  It actually makes me love her more; it's so cute.

So Scott lost, I didn't win, and Dana won the first battle royal of Monopoly Millionaire.  Scott called me a cheap bastard and swore I was cheating and plotting that the whole time.  And then he swore he'd get revenge and figure out a way to humiliate me the way I did him this time...

...fast forward to last night, and we're playing again.  The same three warriors doing battle on the Monopoly Millionaire board.  I was clearly in the money lead with three-quarters of a million and I was looking for any way to win this time.  Then it dawned on me.  The rule of the game...

"First player to a million wins."

So I spread out all of my property cards on the table and began analyzing them.  Dana looked at me like I was up to something, but she couldn't tell what it was.  She rolled her dice and moved her little token, then passed the dice to Scott.  As he rolled, we had this conversation...

The bank is in the middle and everyone helps themselves.

Scott: "Okay fucker, you aren't that far ahead of me."
Ryan: "How much money you got?"
Scott: "Never you mind.  Fuck you."
Ryan: "Are you going to roll or what?"
Scott: "Oh yeah. You're going down.  I have a plan."
Ryan: "So do I."

He finished his turn and passed me the dice.  And then I pretty much raped his manhole.  "Okay, I'm going to sell my houses back to the bank... that's... one-hundred thousand dollars I get... and I'm going to mortgage every property I own for another hundred and ninety-thousand bucks.  And guess what mother fucker, that puts me over a million.  Suck it."  Scott's jaw dropped in disbelief as Dana started half-laughing.

"You can't fucking do that you cheap bastard!"
"There's nothing in the rules that says I can't."
"You cheating fucking fuck.  You'll do anything just to beat me, won't you?"
"...First to a million wins."

I bask in all my glory now (and for good friggin' reason) but I know that Scott will be back with all new cheap tricks and ploys to defeat me.  He's kinda like an STD-laden Skeletor that way.  I may have won the battle, but the war is very far from over.

- ryan