Super Mother Fu**ing Nintendo

Now we're playing with power. Super power!

Back in 1990 it seemed like the world couldn't get any better. We'd just experienced a Batman movie, the Gulf War was yet to happen, and all five members of Aerosmith had been clean and sober for a couple years. Oh, and there was this little gray box called Nintendo. Nope, life couldn't get much sweeter than that.

But then came the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES). From the first glance, it just HAD to be better. I mean, fuck, it had two more buttons on the front called "X" and "Y". Maybe this meant that Mario could do different kinds of jumps, or throw something other than fire. The possibilities seemed endless.

My first experience with the SNES came at a family get together in Napanee Ontario (home of Miss Avril Lavigne and the Napanee Beaver). My cousin Wayne brought his Super Nintendo and introduced me to a game called NHLPA '93. Up until that point my only hockey game experience really was Blades of Steel. But holy shit, in NHLPA '93 you could play as real teams with real NHL players! You could skate as Mike Gartner or Al Iafrate! Sure, most people wanted to be Lemieux or Gretzky, but I was happy to have Ron Hextal in net. Later that day I started playing Super Mario World and Starfox. I was hooked.

When I returned home, I tried playing Blade of Steel again. It just wasn't the same anymore. I tried doing my own commentary for the game, but I lost track of which of my players was Mike Gartner pretty fast. Pretty soon I was begging my parents for a Super Nintendo. At first it was a hard sell. Both parents insisted that the regular Nintendo was just fine. We all did our best to pretend that blinking thing it did was just part of the fun of the game. But since my mom likes Mario and my dad likes Tetris, I eventually convinced them we needed super power.


I consider the Super Nintendo to be the greatest video game system ever made. Sure, the graphics are dated now, but they were pretty good for 16-bit at the time. What made this system so special was the play value of the games. Sure, from time to time you'd still get a dud game like Batman Forever or Mega Robot Golf, but the great definitely outweighed the bad.

Nintendo was smart too. They knew how popular the original Mario games were, so they re-packaged them together on one cartridge with the long-lost (and super-difficult) original version of Super Mario 2. They made a new Zelda adventure that knocked the socks off the original. They helped bring Mortal Kombat to our blood-thirsty attention... even though the SNES version didn't have any blood in it. All in all, they totally one-upped their classic NES with the Super Nintendo.

Even the smallest detail of loading the games in the top of the machine to avoid that horrible blinking was pure genius.

The only real competition at the time was the Sega Genesis, a system similar to the SNES but a little more risque with their games. The Genesis had no problem showing blood and guts in Mortal Kombat. This video game war divided friendships in the schoolyards. You either liked Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis. It was like being in the middle of a huge war over race and religion.  Or kinda like WWF versus WCW. Eventually the SNES outlasted Sega's baby, much to no surprize.

So let's all tip our hats to the Super Nintendo. It didn't set the stage for where video games are now, but it definitely pointed the evolution in the right track.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Good God, I Want A Power Glove

"It's so bad."

The Nintendo Power Glove was one of those defining toys of a generation. Our parents had ray-guns. We had Nintendo. We were truly playing with power. That is, until 1992 when we stopped playing with power and started playing with Super Power! But that's a story for another day.

Most of us were given our first view of a Power Glove in the movie The Wizard, starring Fred Savage. If you've never seen it, go rent it or stop by my house to watch it with me. If you're a pretty girl I'll even make popcorn. It has some great lines such as "He touched my breast!", "Cal-i-for-nee-ya", and "This one's called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". Sure, the movie is really a 90 minute Nintendo ad, but at least it's entertaining.



Without spoiling the truly deep plot of The Wizard, we can examine the spotlight that was the Power Glove... and Lucas.

Yes, that's right Lucas! He's quite possibly the greatest Nintendo player who ever lived. Other Nintendo-ers fear his name alone. Some of us have peed our pants just thinking of challenging this legend. He's not just good at one game. No, no, he's beaten them all! In fact, Lucas is such a threat to every other Nintendo-nerd's very existence that he even has flunkies that do dirty work for him. His minions search out those who can wield a NES controller with grace and persistence. They look for those who know the secret of "up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right-a-b-a-b-select-start". Then they bring them before Lucas, their king.

Swiftly, and without any sign of empathy, Lucas has destroyed all those that have challenged his Nintendo greatness. His only defeat (and one that shouldn't count because it was a three-person game) came at the hands of Jimmy at the end of The Wizard. Lucas must have let Jimmy have that victory to feel better about himself. It just goes to show that Lucas isn't a total dictator in the many worlds of Mario.

I have decided that it is upon my shoulders to get a power glove while defeating Lucas and freeing the rest of the Nintendo players from his tyranny. And thus begins the greatest duel in the history of all histories... 
Lucas versus Ryan! 
Here's how the combatants match up:

	LUCAS	RYAN
Game of choice	Rad Racer	Bubble Bobble
Quote	"I love the Power Glove.  It's so bad."	"I have a penis.  And it's really cool."
Mario, Luigi, or Princess?	Princess... she can fly.	Luigi... he has something to prove.
Would he touch her breast?	Probably already did.	Would've as a kid.
Number of lines in Tetris	157	168
Sworn enemy	Jimmy, who won the tourney.	Scott, who often wins at Monopoly.

Announcing today's festivities are none other than my old friend The Lord of Chaos.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Ryan challenged Lucas to a game of Rad Racer? Wow, lemme tell ya I haven't seen such a display of finely crafted technique in years! In fact, I've barely done anything in years! Lucas stated he would only do battle in his castle, and when Ryan showed up he exclaimed 'Bring it on, Jesus!'. Ryan grabbed his controller and hit the start button. Lucas grabbed the Power Glove, but was quickly stopped by Ryan. Lucas agreed to not use the greatest weapon ever, and that if he were to win, it would be honorably with a NES controller. What happened next was a landslide victory for Lucas. Ryan never stood a chance against his Royal NESness. Oh well, win some, lose some!"

Well, I still don't have a Power Glove...but I really want one. If I find one at a Flea Market I'll definitely buy one. If anyone out there has one they'd like to give me as a nice early Christmas present, I'd cherish it forever.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan