I'm Not Ashamed I Read...Y'Know

Back in "the day" (as many seem to call it), I used to go for long, random walks with my buddy Riot. There was never a destination planned, and we were happy so long as there was plenty of hot chicks to look at along the way.  Throw in some McDonald's milkshakes and 7-11 Hot Dogs and we were ecstatic.

Those hot dogs will fuck you up.

Long story short, we always managed to stumble upon a little game of ours called "I'm Not Ashamed I Read Porn." The idea was simple: all one had to do to play along was finish that sentence.

"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I can't actually read.".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed it's the Rosie O'Donnell Collector's Edition".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I saw my sister in one".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I borrowed it from the public library."
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, but the lovely wife thinks I'm slightly obsessed with Lexi Belle."

And so on. And so on.


But the real question is: Should ANYONE actually be ashamed to read porn? Or even just look at the pictures? The Adult Industry has become more widely accepted among the general public over the past ten years. Names like Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy have become as common as Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts. Most of today's music videos are only two steps away from being porn. Don't get me wrong, I sit and stare at the "Umber-ella, ella, ella, eh eh eh" video and won't turn away even if the fucking house is on fire. Most of these pop princesses can shake n' move better than half the porn queens. And really, when you compare someone like Britney Spears to someone like Briana Banks, it's hard to tell who is actually faking it more. Lip syncing at concerts just blows... and hey, so do most porn stars!

Let's get one thing straight once and for all: Playboy Magazine is NOT pornography. It's not exactly a Disney sing-a-long either, but there is really nothing smut-like about Hef's mag. No, no, porn requires penetration. And sometimes double. And while it may not float your boat, it sure is floating someone's boat.  People aren't hiding their secret desires as much as they used to.  They just aren't insecure about them anymore.  Is the internet to thank or blame for that?  I dunno, I'm not about to become an expert on what your secret fantasies are.


(Can you tell which one is Britney and which one is Briana? I'll take either... or both!)
Pornography has broken off into so many different facets that it's "hard" to decide what you're going to look at. There's boy-girl, girl-girl, threesome, gangbang, milf, tranny, pregnant, teen, bukkake, and pretty much anything you could imagine that involves stuffing something into an orifice.  A Heineken bottle, maybe?

The recent "rise" of the porn phenomenon is mostly due to the internet, of course. These days you don't have to go to the other side of town and find a convenience store where nobody speaks English just to buy a porn mag secretly. Chances are you were looking at porn online earlier today. That's the difference between today and twenty years ago. Twenty years ago people would wake up, make coffee, and read the paper. Today, people wake up, make their coffee, and then sit in front of their computer and watch people fuck each other. Progress?

There's not much in my local newspaper anymore anyway.  What about yours?

So you really shouldn't be ashamed that you read porn... assuming that you actually fucking read it. I'm not ashamed that I read porn. But I am a little ashamed that I felt the need to write an article about justifying it. 

Reasons You Shouldn't Be Ashamed To Look At Porn:
1. It's way more common than you think. It's not just an industry for men anymore.
2. It's educational. You can learn new tricks and positions to try with your partner.
3. It's a fantastic stress reliever.
4. You're going to go blind someday anyway.

Thanks for reading!

- ryan

The Vasectomy

me, pre-vasectomy

You know, I wasn't going to write about this.  But then a couple of people pointed out how much they enjoyed my blog post about The Inside-Outside Penis Fiasco, and thought I should really over-share about my vasectomy experience too.

So I guess you can consider yourselves lucky, maybe, that's up to you, that here we are again talking about my junk and the trauma it has been put through.  Why you enjoy this kinda shit is beyond me, but if having my penis on your mind is the only way to have it somehow inside of you then I guess a blog post will have to do.

I decided last summer that I wanted a vasectomy.  I have two wonderful children - they're smart, beautiful, funny, creative, and loving.  They're also expensive, loud, and in serious need of finding the means to earn their own keep.  I love them so much that I couldn't imagine having any more.

Plus, after talking it over with a good friend of mine who had already gone under the blade, I learned that I would get a free shave of my manly area.  Fellas, if you aren't already keeping that area neat n' tidy, you really should.  If you're expecting a girl to put her face down there, it's just the polite thing to do.

But I digress.

I really had no idea what I was doing.  I thought getting a vasectomy would be a simple nut job - in and out, so I went to see my family doctor.  She had to make me an appointment with a specialist.  She didn't even want to see my penis and testicles.  Trust me, I asked.  I had given my balls a good clean shave to be prepared (and by the way, I wholeheartedly recommend the Intuition razor for such a job.  You may feel silly going to the drug store to purchase a lady razor, but when it comes to your balls, it's the best, smoothest, safest feeling shave you'll ever have.  They didn't pay me to say this, but if they need a dude to endorse their product to other men, I'd do it for them).

So a few weeks later I went to see the specialist.  Again, I shaved up nice and good.  My thinking on this was pretty simple - even though I had been told I'd get a free shave anyway, I wanted to be a gentleman about it.  If you were having a first meeting with a new lady friend, or a job interview, you'd clean yourself up in an appropriate manner.  The first time my balls are going to meet someone new, they're going to be shaved.  Simple as that.

Well, unless I was really drunk.

Anyway, this trip to the Vasectomy Specialist was pretty uneventful.  There were no sharp objects in the room, no plans to do any slicing and dicing, and he didn't want to see my penis either.  As it turned out, this was just a consultation.  It was more like an interview than anything.

me, the morning of the vasectomy

"So I hear you want to have a vasectomy."
"Yeah.  I hear they're all the rage."
"Do you have kids already?"
"I have two. A beautiful girl and a wonderful boy."
"Makes sense to me, let's cut you up."

He drew me a little diagram to show me what he was going to do.  It was both technical and rudimentary at the same time.  It wasn't to scale.  It was done on scrap paper.  It wasn't even done with a nice mechanical pencil or calligraphy pen.  The diagram Chris Morris gave me of the clitoris in 1998 was a more professional work than the diagram of my testicles.

"Sorry, I'm not much of an artist."
"I am.  I once drew my penis for a triage nurse."
"Really?"
"Yeah, it turned inside-out once."
".....Oh."

 We shook hands and I left the consultation.  I'm happy to say the doctor had a good, strong handshake.  It made me feel good about the fact that he'd be holding sharp knives and blades around my little buddy.  I was actually a little disappointed with the consultation, simply because I thought I'd be getting the operation right there and then.  I went home empty handed.  But still full-balled.

My actual operation was then scheduled to be in another three months or so.

It's like they were giving me plenty of time to change my mind.  Like, maybe over the Christmas holidays I'd decide that I wanted to father another ten or twelve kids over the next three years.    Or maybe it was just a jerk thing to do.  Because we all know that during those three months I'd likely have sex approximately three times with The Lovely Wife.  Those of you who are married will understand the math there.  Those of you not married - don't get married.  Don't bother doing the math, just don't get married.

Finally, the day came.  I had been trying for the days leading up to it to get some action from The Lovely Wife, thinking I could give her a little going away present.  It was very genuine and thoughtful, offering to give her something she would never be able to have again.  She politely declined for womanly reasons.  I argued that just because the monkey had a bloody nose didn't mean the circus wasn't in town.

No dice.

My father took me for surgery.  It was pretty cool to have him there.  It was like a royal funeral or something.  I'm the only male in my family to have produced a boy offspring, so because of me my family name will continue.  The trumpets blared as we said good-bye to my sperm.  Okay, it was nothing like that.  But it would've been cool if it was.

Actually, there was another D-list celebrity just like me waiting there to get a vasectomy.  I'm not going to name names because his business is his business, but it was pretty cool to know that we sorta had each others' backs.  When I mentioned this to The Lovely Wife she said, "if he's a D-list celebrity, then you must be an X-list celebrity."  I'd like to think she meant that I'd be a great porno star if I put my mind to it.

The doctor and nurse were finally ready to see my penis, and the accompanying testicles.  It's sort of a two-for-one deal, you know.  Naturally, I kept everything neat and tidy down there for them.  Respect, I tell you, respect.

The pain of the operation was... well, my testicles were invaded by complete strangers and they put clamps down inside to stop any sperm from going the distance.  Yeah, it hurt, but I'm not going to sit here and make an allegory for it.  Use your imagination.  It fucking hurt.  Luckily, I had just the right amount of freezing, a nurse from another area of the hospital who didn't normally do vasectomies, and one of my favorite Aerosmith songs on the radio to help distract me from the pain.

One thing that surprised me though, was that nobody asked me to leave a sample of my perfectly good sperm.  I always thought they kept a sample of it just in case.  Not in case I ever want to have a baby, but in case I lose a finger or something and they need some of my DNA to grow a new one.  Or if, like, Taylor Swift wants to be artificially inseminated.  My sperm would have totally been there for her.  But nope, they didn't ask for one.  And believe it or not, that kind of made me sad.  It had always been a dream of mine to have a pretty nurse ask me to jerk off for her.

They cleaned up some blood and told me to get dressed because they were done looking at my penis.  They recommended using a bag of frozen peas to deal with the swelling, and gave me some Tylenol-3s to deal with any pain.  I didn't actually use the pills.  I think I'll save them for something more painful, like if Scott Bryan ever figures out a way to defeat me in Monopoly.

this was actually a pretty decent read.

As I was leaving, the nurse handed me a little doggy-bag sort of thing with a lovely brochure entitled, "After Your Vasectomy".  The title seemed a little personal. Was everyone getting the same brochure about MY vasectomy?  She also sent me home with a little cup and bio hazard bag for me to bring back a sample of my semen after three months.  Awwwww yeah, she wanted me to jerk off after all.

Did you know that after a vasectomy you can still knock a girl up for up to three months?  That's right, folks.  I've insisted upon the slogan of, "up the bum - no babies" and The Lovely Wife keeps insisting that she's really tired and has been working a lot of late nights.

Recovering from a vasectomy is different for everyone.  Some people actually go back to work that day.  Some people take a few days.  I asked the doctor how long I should wait until I had hanky-panky again.  And yes, I referred to it as "hanky-panky".  After giving me the speech about the three month wait, I assured him I just wanted to make sure I didn't break anything.  "Wait a week or so," he said.  "You won't want to do anything with that for a few days."

I didn't know what he meant until day four of recovery.  Recovery for me was pretty good.  The pain was gone by day two, the swelling only lasted the first day, and I have a whole bag of frozen peas in the freezer that I can either use for a Sheppard's Pie or hold on to for the next time I have a vasectomy.  The bruising, however, took me by surprise.  The doctor wasn't kidding about not wanting to do anything for a few days.  My junk was so bruised up that it pretty much retreated back to basic training.  On day four, I woke up - typically - with morning wood.  No big deal.  Ask any guy, it's pretty much a daily occurrence.

not actually my penis

But I decided to take a look down there, knowing full well that I was bruised up pretty good.  I knew my dick would look like it had taken a beating, and not the type of beating you'd want your dick to take, but I wasn't prepared to look down there and see Two-Face from the Batman comics.  One side of the dick was totally normal, and the other side was bruised and purple and flipping a coin.

Two weeks passed, and I was all healed up.  I was happy.  Happy because I knew I wasn't about to have any more children.  Then The Lovely Wife started oddly craving Pepsi and puked her guts out with a sickness in the early morning.  As I brought her up a glass of water, she looked up at me as if to say, "uh-fucking-oh."

The Clear Blue pregnancy test came back as "Not Pregnant", which was great because:
A) we definitely weren't having more kids
B) I didn't have to throw my back out by throwing her down the stairs
C) I'm not a big fan of irony
D) all of the above

I was so excited that I almost went out and bought her a cake with "Congrats You're Not Pregnant" on it.

Thanks for reading.  I'm going to end today's blog post with a little Improexophonophelia.

vasectomy

by ryan matthew ewing

vasectomy, vasectomy, vasectomy

free health care, free health care, free health care

vasectomy, vasectomy, Vasectomy

one vasectomy is still cheaper than ten abortions

vasectomy

me, post-vasectomy

Cocktail - A Guide To Life

...that's not Tom Cruise.

I have a friend who has a friend who claims that watching the movie Cocktail is like watching a porno without any actual explicit sex in it. I'm not going to say that this person is right or wrong, but I will say that there are many great life lessons we can learn from the 1988 flick starring Tom Cruise and the always gorgeous (nay, perfect) Elisabeth Shue. So let's take a look at a few ways to keep your life great, through the teachings of the 81st Greatest Movies of All-Time. 

Part One - School Ain't Cool 
Our protagonist, Brian Flanagan, goes to community college to get a degree in business. But between the boring textbooks and overbearing professors, Flanagan realizes he can learn much more in a bar. Flanagan even writes a business proposal for his own night club, which is rejected by his asshole know-nothing business prof. So Flanagan finds a partner in Doug Coughlin and they make more than enough money in the booze business to pay for what Flanagan's student loans would've been.  They also get more panties thrown at them than you can shake a stick at.  Somebody call up Hasbro, cause I think I've just invented the next great party game.
Lesson: Get an education at the bar. If you aren't already.

Part Two - Mentor A Man With An Accent 
Doug Coughlin is either Irish, Scottish, English, or Australian. I'm not too sure if they mention it in the movie, but it doesn't matter much because all we need to know is that he has a pretty sweet accent that makes all the women attracted to him. Young men such as Flanagan are engulfed by accents as well because they know babes like them. Coughlin passes on his "Coughlin's Laws" to young Flanagan at every opportunity, and the two become best of friends.  Would Coughlin's Laws have contained as much wisdom without a Brit-Scot-Aust-Irish accent?
Lesson: Chicks dig a dude with an accent... so fake it if you have to.

Part Three - Cougars Are Only So Awesome
Cougars are great, especially when they're on the prowl, but here's a learner in being faithful: Flanagan had hooked up with Elisabeth Shue (every man's dream) and then took a bet to get with a rich old lady. Dude... I know it worked in theory, but come on... you fucked around on Lizzy Shue. How could you make her cry like that?  How could you give her those lonely nights alone?  how could you????  You're lucky she took you back. Actually, you're lucky you knocked her up first so she pretty much had to take you back.
Lesson: Not all women are as super-hot and forgiving as Elisabeth Shue is. So if you fuck around, chances are they won't take you back.  Also, if you hurt Lizzy Shue's feelings, we'll find you.  Oh yes.


Part Four - Talk In Rhyme at a Convenient Time
People will always listen if you can talk in rhyme. It worked for Roadblock in GI Joe. It worked for Eminem in "8 Mile" (even though that was just a bad photocopy of "Purple Rain". And it worked for Brian Flanagan too. But it's always best if you do it as a toast, with a nice drink in your hand.
Lesson: Don't go crazy and join the church of Scientology.

So there we have it. If you've never seen Cocktail, go rent it. Or buy it. It's usually in the cheap bin at Wal-Mart for about five bucks. You might get something completely different out of the movie. And at least you'll get to stare at Elisabeth Shue in a bathing suit.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan
(Oh, and below, check out my video for "Lizzy Shue" from a couple years ago.  The entire song was inspired by my love for the the movie Cocktail, and of course for Elisabeth  Shue.)

Boobies!

Yes, you clicked the right link today.

Basically today we'll be taking a look at two of my favorite things on this planet. Namely, boobies. If you wanna just call them "boobs" that's fine too. Whatever makes you happy. Just be sure that when you're in the company of boobies, you're happy. Nothing brings a smile to a guy's face (and some girls too.. the one's that are awesome) quite like breasts. So let us squeeze out a little history, cup on to some notions, and bounce around some thoughts that will ultimately go round and round your head all day.

Oh, and by the way, could you make a little eye contact please? 

Part 1. The History of Boobies
Boobies were created at the dawn of time when some God-person first created man. This is absolutley true no matter what faith or religion you follow. Before Adam and Eve were ever molded Goddius Maximus made a scientist out of Lego named Dr. Von Booblestein. He was lonely and removed his feet to create the very first set of boobies. Since Lego blocks were square and pointy, the first draft failed. They looked nothing like today's boobs at all.

Dr. Von Booblestein continued his work much through his later years and on his death bed he pronounced, "Should there ever be one to follow me on this great planet, than please let them be of the non-square-ish variety".

Booblestein's prayers were answered, and thus Adam was created. But he was lonely and wanted some boobies to look at, so a woman named Eve followed. You know the rest of the story. Adam stares at Eve's boobs and she realizes because of her boobies that she can make him do whatever she wants. She wanted an apple, yadda yadda, go read a book.

Boobies continued to be popular all thru history (except for during the Plague, cause they were all gross looking at that point) and continue to be very popular today. 

Part 2. Cleavage

What is it about Boobies that make us as men completely stunned and jaw-dropped? Well, to put it simply, They're Boobies. That is the only logical answer that could possibly exist.

There are many different types of boobies, which I will get into in a minute, but one thing is for certain: all of them look good when they're giving off cleavage. Cleavage is that one thing that women strive to achieve when putting on that tight shirt. Cleavage is that framed piece of artwork that makes men's eyes pop out of their heads... and their... no... I'm not gonna say it. Cleavage can be defined as A set of breasts that are pushed together with a bra to the point that they can hold a pencil between themselves. If the pencil falls, it ain't cleavage. 

Part 3. More Than A Handful
And that brings us to cup sizes. Some girls are not blessed with large boobies. That doesn't mean they're boobies are bad. No, not at all. Every woman has great boobies, and just because you can't get cleavage because you are "flat as a board" doesn't mean your boobs aren't great too. In fact, the A-Cup chest is a set of boobs with much to prove. Often overlooked by the dudes at the bar, you never know when these savages will escape their confines to poke someone's eye out. The next time you pass over a girl because she seems small-chested, just say to yourself, "Wait a sec... are they really missing, or are they just waiting for the opportune moment to strike?" Remember, no matter what, she has a nice set of personalities.

Some women have really large boobies and are constantly falling out of their shirts. There gets to a point where the boobs become too big and take on a life of their own. Fake boobs have a tendency of doing this to a person. One day a girl is just sitting there looking at her average boobs and says to herself "Wow, I have lots of student loan money left over... I should make my boobs bigger." Beware the risk of this. Fake boobs are a double-ended sword. They give pleasure to the eye, but they are really monsters inside that continue to grow and grow until the person has become nothing but breasts.

On the subject of different kinds boobs, some men have boobs too. They're called Man-Boobs. They're gross.

Moving on... 

Part 4. Famous Boobies
As a society, we are fascinated by boobies. Let's face it, when we were young we couldn't for the life of us figure out why our dads were listening to Dolly Parton records. Sure, 9 to 5 is a catchy enough tune, but it was her boobs that landed her that duet with Kenny Rogers, and it was her boobs that scored her that guest appearance on Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Take a look at Britney Spears. When she hit MTV with that video of her as a schoolgirl, she didn't really have any boobs. Then the next day, WHAMMO! She must've developed quickly or quickly spent the money she made off that first single. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I get my boobs enlarged.

Lindsay Lohan (God Bless her boobs) had to have her boobies made digitally smaller when she did that Herbie movie. That just goes to show that we are all so infatuated with them as a whole that we'll do anything just to play with them. 

Step 5. Boobie Nicknames
No good guide to Boobies would be complete without a list of Nicknames for these wonderful creations. So feel free to start calling boobies these:

• Fun Bags
• Hooters
• Dirty Pillows
• Knockers
• Melons
• Titties
• Ta-tas
• Torpedos
• Jugs
• Merv Griffins
• Balloons
• Chesticles
• Gazongas
• Sweater Muffins

In case you thought this was going to be a nature blog about the Blue Footed Boobies of South America, here's a link that will give you some info about them.
http://gosouthamerica.about.com/cs/galapagosislands/l/blpixwildbooby.htm.

Goodnight! And thanks for reading!

- ryan

Are Blonde Babes More Fun?

So this is what I hear: Blondes have more fun. But do they? And if so, why?
Of all the girls I've been with in my life, believe it or not, none of them were blonde. Sure, some of them have had blonde streaks in their hair, or had dyed their hair light enough brown that someone might say, "Oh, that's a blonde you're holding hands with there, buddy." But the great saying of blondes having more fun is definitely implying something to do with wicked, wild, super-awesome-funky sex.

I'm going to take a few minutes to examine some well-known blondes, past and present, and we'll see where that goes. If I can't come up with an answer then at least I've taken a moment out of both of our days to look at some very attractive women.

Case Study #1: Kelly Bundy

Many of us will remember Kelly Bundy as the first blonde in our lives. Married, With Children was THE show when were about ten years old and developing hormones. While we were all starting to realize just what boobies were and what kind of power they would hold on us over the remaining years of our lives, Kelly Bundy was flaunting it on TV. And she was always dressed for our eyes. Now I don't know what Christina Appelgate (the actress that played Kelly) is really like, so remember we're talking about Miss Bundy here. Not the actress. Kelly Bundy was a dirty slut. There's pretty much no way around saying that. And we all loved her for it. Actually, of all the three women on the show (Peg, her mother, and Marcy, their neighbor) Kelly was the only one to regularly get laid. Could that have been because Peg had red hair and Marcy had brown hair? Hmmmm....Kelly's character was also very stupid. Maybe her lack of insight is what made her have more fun. Or was she always just pretending to be stupid to be more attractive to the opposite sex? Guys have been known to go wild for the "dumb blonde" stereotype. I guess we may never know. Case Study #2: Kate Hudson

Of all the girls in Hollywood right now, I can't think of any cooler than Kate Hudson. Maybe it's because she seems to have inherited some of her mother's charm. With Goldie Hawn as her mommy, that's some cool charm to inherit. She was also married to the singer of the Black Crowes, so that right there means she knows how to have a good time. But is all of that enough to really suggest that she has more fun, or is it because she's blonde? In the movie How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (aka chick flick disguised as a really fun movie even for guys) Hudson torments her new boyfriend and appears to have fun doing it until she realizes that she's really in love with him. She comes across as one of those cute, next-door-types that often end up with whatever guy they want in the palm of their hand. But do the cute/innocent blondes have more, you know, fun? In that movie Kate has a great little romp with her co-star in the bathroom, after the two of them are soaking wet from a rainy bike ride. It's really quite romantic, and not at all what you'd consider to be wild, so it's hard to say whether this blonde was more fun or not simply based on the color of her hair. Case Study #3: Gwen Stefani It's hard to tell if Miss Stefani is really blonde. I think in early photos of No Doubt she had darker blonde, possibly light brown hair. Around the late 90s she had pink hair in that one video, Simple Kind Of Life (In my opinion their best song, and the pink hair is damn cool too). But for the most part, we've always known Gwen to have that really cool platinum blonde look that only a few people can truly pull off without it looking fake and utterly retarded. Gwen is a mommy, which means she puts out. We all know I think pregnant chicks are hot (and if you didn't know, check out my song about it here, but whether or not "Pregnant Chicks Have More Fun" is not what we're here about today. Maybe some other day though.) In the No Doubt video for Underneath It All we see a very plain looking Stefani (sans dark make-up) in her PJs jumping up and down on her bed. I don't care what anyone says. That's super-hot. And whenever I'm watching it, no matter what else is happening in the world, it becomes my focus of attention. Hell, I could be on fire and it wouldn't matter. Case Study #4: Elisha Cuthbert Elisha is a hard case to examine for our topic. She may have played a porn-star turned nice girl in The Girl Next Door, but I remember her first as being the host of Popular Mechanics For Kids. So here's where the dilemma comes in, and it's a horribly wrong one. While watching The Girl Next Door I'd find myself thinking "Damn, she's awesome in this movie", only to stop myself and say "No! Remember that episode of P.M.F.K. where she helped blow up the building?" In the end I let my better judgement take over. I blocked Popular Mechanics For Kids from my mind until the movie was over. If any blonde on the planet is going to win over a case for whether or not they have more fun, it's Elisha. From the moment in The Girl Next Door when she said "What's the craziest thing you've done lately?" to the point in the movie where she skinny-dips, or goes to the Adult Video Awards, or... well, pretty much anything she does in this movie makes guys just go totally bonkers. And we have a bad habit of drooling by this point too. Score another one for the blondes. Oh, and Elisha is a good lead-in to our next case study... Case Study #5: Blonde Porn Stars I truly believe that the Internet was created for porn. If you've never seen porn on the internet you're a goddam liar. So don't even gimme any crap. The "Adult Video Star" showcased at left is Sunrise Adams. I believe she works for Vivid Films. I'm not 100% sure...she might be retired... you see, if I start researching that I'll become preoccupied and this article will never be finished. From my own experience with pornography ("reading" it, not performing in it) I would feel comfortable saying that 65% of porn stars are blonde. I think that's a fair estimate. Now I have never slept with a porn star, and I don't know anyone personally who has slept with a porn star, so whether or not they have more fun can really only be judged by their movies themselves. Are they acting? Are they only pretending to have more fun for the camera? Perhaps it's the real deal. When someone you sleep with climaxes you don't lean over and say "Baby, was that real, or were you faking?"

The same must be true for porn stars. We would never ask if they were faking their good time or not because it would simply ruin the fantasy for us all. So this one must be a numbers game. Do blonde porn stars have more fun because there are more of them in the business, so by logic, the more the merrier? Or are there just more blonde porn stars because there are more blondes in this world?


Let's create a math equation for this:
(#blondeB > 2 x #non-blondeB) / #blondePS = More Fun!

Case Study #6: Supergirl

Before you start accusing me of being a geek (which I am) for this one, it raises a great issue of the blonde/not blonde debate. Supergirl's secret identity is Linda Danvers. Linda is a brunette! Now this raises another interesting issue: Is Supergirl the real person pretending to be a brunette when she's Linda? Or is Linda the real person pretending to be a blonde when she's Supergirl? We've all seen girls around our hometowns that wear shirts that say "brunettes do it better" and "blondes have more fun", and most girls we know have changed their hair color more times than we've changed underwear. So is there an underlying desire for blondes to be brunettes and brunettes to be blondes? That could be the basis for a university student's thesis. I'm not going to try to find a solution on the internet. For the sake of time let's just say that Supergirl is too busy saving the world to find time for fun.

Case Study #7: Bea Fucking Arthur

I don't know if Bea Arthur was ever blonde or not. I really don't care. She was the hottest thing on this planet. She was the woman by which all other women should be judged. Blonde? Fuck it. Brunette? Who cares! Redhead? Yummy, but still... it doesn't matter. Bea Arthur? Fuck yeah! If Bea was a blonde she would have more fun. And in doing so, she would set the standard by what fun is for a blonde. When Bea Arthur watches paint dry it's the sexiest paint drying session ever. And all other blondes should follow suit and watch paint dry in the same way. Bea could find herself in a gangbang with thirty men and still find time to hit Betty White with a rolled up newspaper. Let's see a regular blonde do that.

The Verdict
So... do blondes have more fun? Umm... I don't know. Maybe.

In the end I have not come to a clear decision. The only way to truly come to an understanding would be to do some extensive, "fun" research with a collection of blonde volunteers. Don't worry, The Lovely Wife (who isn't a blonde, FYI) says it's okay for me to do all the research needed.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

The Best of 2015!

Once again it's time to look back on what happened in a calendar year.  I do this every year, and it's important to remember that this is all my opinion.  My best isn't necessarily your best, or your mama's best, or your drug dealer's best. 

Entertainment wise, 2015 was a pretty decent year.  Here's what I liked best about it.

The Best Movies of 2015
1. Creed
Let's get one thing straight - I was fully ready to make The Force Awakens the #1 movie of the year from the time I saw the first trailer.  Then something happened.  A new Rocky movie came out.  While a new Star Wars flick is the one that made me most excited, it was Creed that had me leaving the theater fully blown away.  Props to Trainwreck for being hysterical and giving John Cena something interesting to do (I don't mean being naked).  And Cinderella was a surprising amount of fun too.
2. The Force Awakens
3. Terminator: Genysis
4. Trainwreck
5. Cinderella

The Best Music of 2015
1. Prince: Hit N' Run Phase One
I didn't buy a whole lot of new music this year, but what I did drop money on I really liked.  Prince put out two new albums this year, with the first one being incredible and the second being just okay.  Buckcherry is no stranger to this yearly list either.  Hollywood Vampires is a classic rocking album that everyone should take a listen to (Alice Cooper + Joe Perry + Johnny Depp = awesome).  A new Bon Jovi record came out with very little attention.  It's good, but is definitely missing Ritchie Sambora.
2. Buckcherry: Rock N' Roll
3. Hollywood Vampires
4. Bon Jovi : Burning Bridges
5. Steven Tyler - Love Is Your Name

The Best TV of 2015
1. The Muppets
This fall was also the most excited I've been for new TV in a long time.  The Muppets is just perfect, Supergirl keeps getting better, and Ash VS Evil Dead reminds us what we loved about Sam Raimi's flicks in the first place.  There's actually more TV I've wanted to catch up on but haven't had the time to, because there's just so much good on right now.  Hell, I could even add in some of the shows my kids watch because those are darn good too.
2. Supergirl
3. Ash Vs Evil Dead
4. Flash
5. WWE Raw

The Best Babes of 2015
1. Melissa Benoist (Supergirl)
I keep using the word "Adorkable" for this new Supergirl.  I forget where I stole the phrase from but I'm going to keep using it.  Seriously, watch that show.  You'll fall in love with her.  Paige continues to be the main reason I tune in to WWE Raw on Monday nights.  And Dillion Harper is... well, I'm sure you can figure that out.  If not, there's such a thing as Google.  Taylor Swift continues to leave messages on my phone, and Daisy Ridley has become everyone's new favorite Jedi. 
2. Paige (WWE Diva)
3. Dillion Harper (Moms Bang Teens #11)
4. Taylor Swift
5. Daisy Ridley (The Force Awakens)

So that's what I thought of 2015.
What did you like best?

- ryan

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2015

 It's that time of year again, when I open up my heart and let you in on all my Christmas wishes for this holiday season.  While some of these may seem a little far-reaching, or even unattainable, I'd like to remind you that in the past I wished for several things that did come true (a Stanley Cup in Boston in 2011, the Ruby-Spears Superman cartoon on DVD, and a new Aerosmith album, just to name a few).  And of course there's one item that has eluded me since Christmas 1999.  So, as usual, we'll start there.

A Goddam Frigging Uncle Jesse Doll
Look, there's something that can be said about being persistent.   This doll has been at the top of my Christmas Wish List for just about forever (...and I'd ask the sky just what we had...), and I haven't gotten it yet.  Not either version of the bloody thing.  Originally I was simply asking for the Rockin' Uncle Jesse.  The one with the guitar and red shirt.  The guitar opens up to show pictures of Jesse's family.  These days, though, I feel as though my Christmas Wish has compounded interest and I won't settle for just the Rockin' Jesse.  Nope, I want the four-pack of dolls that include Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, and the twins.  I've seen these on eBay for about $200, still in their packaging.  I'm not picky.  They don't need to still be in the package.  I'd just take them out and play with them anyway.  So, if everyone would just chip in a few bucks, my Christmas wish could come true.  Now, I also realize that I could drop my own money on these toys, and that's okay, but here's the thing - I really want this given to me as a gift.  I want someone to find this doll somewhere and think of me.  Please, don't spend two hundred bucks on a toy.  Unless you want me to love you forever (...because I'll be so happy loving you...).

There's plenty of mercy to be had by all!

More Beer from Wychwood Brewery
I'm a big fan of Hobgoblin, and all of it's ugly sisters.  Seriously, King Goblin makes me all happy inside.  Even Hobgoblin Gold is a nice afternoon ale.  The Wychwood Brewery has been making quality beers for the better half of my legal adulthood.  The one exception is "Scarecrow", which is a fucking horrid piece of shit beer.  Stop brewing it, guys.  I'd like to see a return of Fiddler's Elbow and Black Wych, or an easier way to get Imperial Red than buying a gift pack that includes a bottle of Scarecrow.  So let's see what else these brew masters can come up with.  Maybe something with a dragon on the label?  Or a fire-breathing unicorn drinking blood? I know!  A one-eyed rabbit!  Those guys are awesome.  Keep up the good non-Scarecrow brews!

Christopher Reeve as Superman again

He'd whoop Batman's ass.

A few years back, some of the lost Superman IV: The Quest For Peace footage turned up as bonus material on a DVD release, but it wasn't all of it.  I'd really like to see that movie in it's entirety, even if it is a piece of shit.  Even if the graphics are awful, and the story is boring, and the actors are just phoning it in.  To me, it's another chance to see Christopher Reeve as Superman.  Hell, I'd even settle for someone using some nifty animation to fill in the gaps of the story.   But why stop there?  Why not make some direct-to-DVD animated features in the style of the classic Superman movies?  There were plot ideas for Superman battling with Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk, and since CGI is good enough now to pull it off, all you'd need is some voice-alikes to make it all work.  Brandon Routh even sounded like Reeve when he did Superman Returns.  I'd buy them.  I'd watch them.  I think it's something that would make us all happy.
Note: In the meantime, there's a very good fan video on YouTube of Christopher Reeve's Superman battling the Hulk.  You should watch it.

A Lifetime Supply of Almonds
This one shouldn't be too hard to take care of.  Let's suppose I eat thirty whole almonds each day.  We then multiply that by how many days I expect to live, and it just becomes an easy math equation.  We let "A" represent almonds, "R" represent me, and ... and... math is hard.

don't forget to carry the one!

naughty time with you, me, and the lovely wife
I'm just gonna leave this here until she gives me trouble for it.

...or how about just a goddam Uncle Jesse doll?  Is it too much to ask?

- ryan

My 13th Birthday Was a Friday the 13th

Ah, August 13, 1993... the year I turned thirteen on a Friday the 13th.
What a glorious day it was, indeed.  At least in my mind I seem to think it was.  As I sifted thru photos looking for some to accompany this blog all about my thirteenth birthday, I realized I don't have any.  The early 90's weren't like today.  Not everyone had a camera in their phone to take photos of every little detail of their mundane lives.  And the phone was attached to the kitchen wall anyway.

Also, it occurred to me as I did some fact-checking that I kinda lump my 11th and 13th birthdays together in my mind.  I often reminisce about how on my thirteenth birthday I was given my first little boom box cassette player and the new Spin Doctors tape, "Pocket Full of Kryptonite."  I'm also warmed by fond memories of being given a cassette single for Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You", and how my friends and I all played a WWF Wrestling Challenge board game with the Ultimate Warrior featured on the box.  But all of that stuff really occurred in 1991, not '93.

Where the hell did my memories go?

So when I think a bit harder about all of it, I vaguely remember having a couple friends over for a sleepover, watching "Cool World" and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" on VHS, drinking an entire case of Loeb Cola, and having pizza.

My friend Brian sneaked in some dirty porno magazines that he stole from his older brother's room and we gazed over them in the basement after my parents went to sleep.

My twelfth birthday gets lost in the mix of it all, because my sister's wedding was two days after so there wasn't time to have a party or anything like that.  Luckily, the WWF was in town on my birthday and I saw the Ultimate Warrior fight Papa Shango.  However, after trying to Google anything about it, I can't find a single thing about the WWF coming to my town on my birthday.

I'm actually starting to think this never existed and it was all made up in my mind.

Being thirteen was pretty good, and it lasted about a year until I turned fourteen.

And hey, here's a photo that isn't at all from my thirteenth birthday.

The end!

Happy 16th Birthday Ryan!

Top 11 Romantic Movies

Yes, Valentine's Day is almost here.  It's a day in which many of us take those we love out to dinner and a movie.  The big talk is all about Fifty Shades of Grey being this V-Day's must-see controversial movie.  I dunno, I'd probably watch it on blu-ray when it comes out.  Besides, my lovely wife is going with one of her girlfriends to see it on Friday night.  Any way, if you don't have tickets for it or you don't want to watch it, here are 11 other VERY romantic movies for a nice, "stay in and order pizza and a movie" kind of Valentine's Day.  There's something on this list for everyone. 

11. Edward Scissorhands
10. Grumpier Old Men
9. Chasing Amy
8. The Master of Disguise
7. Saved By The Bell: Wedding In Las Vegas
6. Don't Tell My Wife I Assfucked The Babysitter Vol. 15
5. Cocktail
4. How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days
3. The Wedding Singer
2. Somewhere In Time
1. Rocky 

Remember Before The Internet?

Do you remember what life was like before the internet?  Before there was a http://www.ryanfanclub.com, or even a Google?  Do you even know what Altavista is?  As technology continues to improve and make our lives easier, the next generation will never experience some of these great joys...

1.  Who's that guy in the movie?

Tapster was better.

Back in the early 90s, if we were watching a movie and thought the bad guy might have been one of Sam's random boyfriends from Who's The Boss we'd have to consult with our friends to check that shit out.  Today, you just go to IMDB.

2. Wait, you actually PAID for music?
I can actually remember having the debate with my mother to spend an extra $2 to buy Prince's Batman soundtrack on cassette instead of vinyl.  And then these crazy things called CDs came along, and they were like $20 each.  Then Napster changed the way we listen to music and the way we see musicians.  Sure, you can (and should) buy your music online from places like iTunes of Amazon, but there are still too many people who don't.  And in all actuality, buying individual songs online solved the age old problem people had with buying an album and only having one song on it that they liked.  (note: The first thing I ever downloaded from Napster was Richard Marx's "How Do You Talk To An Angel")

I actually had this one.

3. Where do you hide your porn?
I'm a firm believer that the internet was popularized for the use of pornography.  Just think of how much more acceptable the adult industry has become to the mainstream in the last fifteen years or so.  Back in the late 80s and early 90 you may have had some dirty magazines in your drawer.  Or you had a couple dirty pictures folded up in your wallet.  Maybe you were lucky and found a half destroyed copy of Swank magazine in the bushes on your way home from school.  Me, I used to hide my dirty pictures between the months on my WWF calendar (there's another item that's obsolete) because who would ever think to look there?  Today, your computer is full of porn whether or not you realize it.

4. Can I get to the bank before it closes?
Online banking is incredible.  I'm never late paying my bills.  They arrive in the mail, and I log on right away to take care of them.  If I were even more enthusiastic, I could just set up direct paymet.  I'm surprized banks are even open at all anymore.

5. Are you almost done with the phone?  I'm expecting a call.

...never traded my Federov.

Once upon a time, there was one telephone in your house... a rotary dialed phone... that stayed in the kitchen.  Sure, maybe you were lucky enough to have a twenty foot cord on it and could take it away from the listening ear of your parents.  But probably not.

6. Do you have the album with the wrong spelled "Walkin' The Dig"?
If you collected records, or comic books, or action figures, you used to have to hunt for the items you wanted in your collection.  Sometimes you'd have to go to conventions, yard sales, swap meets, or try to barter with your best friend for that "Future Superstar" Eric Lindros card.  You'd give anything for that card, except for your Sergei Federov rookie card.  That guy had the best name ever.  Today, you just go to eBay.  Way to go eBay!  Way to ruin the fun of hunting and collecting rare treasures.

7. Where can I stop to ask for directions?
Sure, the internet is full of scary gas station attendants, but most of them aren't running their own websites offering the easiest way from point A to point B.  And you can't use their bathroom either. That's what Google maps and GPS are for.  I'm waiting for a Goolge Bathroom App for my phone.

... and there's our trip down memory lane!

Top 11 Star Wars Spoofs

May the farce be with you?
I ain't gonna waste a lot of time with introductions on this one.  You know why you're here.  So, here they come!

Family Guy Trilogy

11. The Family Guy Trilogy
I'm not gonna say much about this one because it already gets a lot of publicity.  I personally don't enjoy the Family Guy TV show, but their Star Wars specials are goddam funny.  I do hope they make spoofs of the prequel trilogy too.  There's a lot to work with there.

10. Troops
One of the earliest funny videos on the internet, Troops was a parody of both Star Wars and COPS at the same time.  Fucking brilliant.


9. Thumb Wars
A re-imagining of A New Hope with thumbs for characters.  It was pretty darn clever at the time, but then they did a dozen other thumb flicks that weren't so good.

8. The Star Wars Holiday Special
You've heard about this one... it really does exist... I have a copy... it killed my old DVD player... and it was made by Lucasfilm.  I've included the Holiday Special on this list because George Lucas pretends like it doesn't exist, so it's almost like he allowed himself to be spoofed by himself.

Star Wars XXX

7. Robot Chicken
Same style as Family Guy, but 4 times funnier.

6. Buzz Lightyear vs Zurg
Not the best moment of Toy Story 2 but probably one of the most memorable.  It was so predictable, but nobody seemed to see it coming... *spoiler*... Zurg is Buzz's father!

5. Hot Shots Part Deux
Somewhere in the last fifteen minutes of this Charlie Sheen flick the President of the USA has an epic lightsaber battle with Sadam Hussein... and they even directly quote Vader and Kenobi.

4. Pirates of the Caribbean
The first couple Pirates flicks are just clear rip-offs of Star Wars.  A princess needs saving... a shy pretty boy is up to the task... he falls in cahoots with a pirate that all the girls like... the pretty boy's dad is really alive and hangs out with the bad guys... the pirate's fate is in question at the end of the second movie... it's all there... just look for it.

3. Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody
I'm not going to give away too much about this one, or how much I actually paid attention to it, but the acting IS better than anything in Episode 1... and the special effects weren't bad either.  And for the record, Han shoots first.

Muppet Babies

2. Spaceballs
Most consider it to be the ultimate Star Wars homage.  And to this day it's still all kinds of hilarious.  It was the first movie I ever taped off the movie network with my parent's VCR (kids, asks your parents what that was).  Rick Moranis gives his second-best performance ever in this movie (first being Ghostbusters), and the laughs just don't stop.

1. Muppet Babies
Remember that episode of Muppet Babies where they do Star Wars?  You should, because it was the greatest achievement in the history of western culture.
Goodnight!