Top 11 Sequels?

I'm a firm believer that these days movies are all about the sequel.  At least when it comes to summer blockbusters and superhero shit.  The first movie sets up what we need to know so that we can get right into the action in the sequel.

There are plenty of films that never required a second installment.  But what if, for some reason, they had gotten one anyway?  Let's play God for a day, shall we?

11. What Else Is Eating Gilbert Grape?
Gilbert is back with a whole new set of problems and issues to deal with.  His brother, Arnie, is back too and has eaten an entire tub of radioactive goo.  Arnie, now a destructive goo monster, is hell-bent on helping his brother Gilbert solve his issues...by swallowing him and his problems!  This time, something really IS eating Gilbert Grape...

10. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Part 2
Picture it, Sicily, 2016... It's the sequel you never knew you wanted. Return to a life a solving crimes with Stallone's mom, but this time in full-on glorious 3D CGI... since Estelle Getty is no longer with us.

9. 2 Thelma 2 Louise
If you thought Thelma and Louise were on the run before, you ain't seen nothing yet.  Thelma and Louise have unknowingly gotten their hands on a rare Egyptian artifact and are in a race against time, and the law, to save all of existence from a robotic, alien, Brad Pitt-like thing.  Directed by Michael Bay.

8. Junior's Baby
The unusual comedy team of Arnold/Danny Devito are back!  This time they have to shrink themselves down to mini-size so they can enter into Junior's womb and stop him from getting pregnant by and army of vicious sperm before it's too late.

7. 8 Mile 2: Going The Extra Mile
If you didn't quite get enough of Eminem's more expensive rip off of Purple Rain, then don't worry - he's back and he's going the extra mile!  His mom's spaghetti is back too, and also going the extra mile! With guest appearances by 50 Cent, Wiz Kalifa, MC Hammer, and Niki Minaj, you'll be so wrapped up in the rap battles that you'll fail to notice this movie is just a more expensive rip off of Graffiti Bridge... assuming you ever bothered to watch Graffiti Bridge in the first place.

6. How To Lose A Guy In 11 Days
Like many romantic comedy sequels (I'm looking at you Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights) this film has nothing to do with the one you have grown to love, except that the title will try to bring you in and watch it.  This time around, though, there's a twist - Kate Hudson's character will be played by a dude who gets romantically involved with another dude on a bet from his buddies, and spends eleven days trying to get rid of him in hysterically over-the-top and just-offensive-enough ways, until he realizes that he has actually fallen for another man.

5. Return of the Son of Forrest Gump
This action epic, directed by James Cameron, needs no plot details.  You'll go see it based on the amazing title alone.  Rated NC-17.

4. Another League of Their Own
Sure, The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League was a fun story, highlighting a joyous time for women's rights during the war time.  But what about that other professional baseball league you might not know about because there was no movie made about it? We're talking, of course, about the one you heard about once on The Simpsons from Mr. Burns and thought he was senile - The Negro League.  Yup, it was a real thing and a movie all about it would be fantastic.

3. More Snakes on More Planes
If you don't want to see Samuel L. Jackson scream about them mother fucking snakes on the mother fucking plane one more time, then I'm sorry, because you don't have a soul.

2. Mr. Nanny Returns
Mr. Nanny has to come out of retirement one more time to stop more past-their-prime former WWF superstars from kidnapping rich kids.  Hogan clearly knows best in this sequel, as he spends more time in a tutu, and leg drops the kids to safety. Whatcha gonna do when Mr. Nanny cuts the crusts off your sandwiches for you????????

1. E.E.T.: The Extra-Extra Terrestrial
Elliot is all grown up now, and can't figure out why his finger keeps glowing. Suddenly, he transforms into The Extra-Extra Terrestrial and has to adjust to his new life as an ugly alien in a world full of fear, and people who won't share their Reese's Pieces.  But when the world is threatened by an army of Neo-Nazis (this IS a Spielberg movie, after all) the world will call on E.E.T. to save the planet and the world's supply of Reese's Pieces.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

Top 11 Robots

Let's face it, someday we'll all be replaced by robots.  So why not strive to be like a great robot of history? Historically speaking, there have been many robots over the years that have influenced the ages.  They were all wonderful.

11. BB-8
Who doesn't love balls?  BB-8 is two of them! That's twice the robotic balls rolling around, cracking jokes and hiding maps to old folks with robotic hands. Balls!

10. Dot Matrix
Let's face it, everyone needs a virgin alarm. Just in case.

09. Fox's NHL Robots from the early 90s
We may have hated them at the time, but those bots were pioneers of good ol' Californian ice hockey. Without them the Kings or Mighty Ducks may never have won a Stanley Cup.

08. Wall-E
If you don't find yourself wanting to hug this little guy, then you might already be a robot devoid of a soul. I bet you don't like celery with cheese wiz either.

07. Conky
Without him we would never know what today's secret word is. 'Nuff said.

06. Metalhead
Be realistic - of all the Ninja Turtles, Metalhead was the one with the best shot at April O'Neil. I mean, he's no Casey Jones, but who is?

"Your mother was a snowblower!"

05. Astro Boy
Soaring high in the skies, he may be small but only in size. He is brave and true and wise.

04. The Terminator
Go with him if you want to live.

03. Paulie's Robot Girlfriend
I'm actually surprised that Paulie's Robot Girlfriend isn't #1. And I write these lists. This robot is special because of how we learn more about love from it than even Adrian herself. I'd like to think that if Rocky didn't beat the Russian in IV, that maybe Paulie's Robot Girlfriend would have finished the job. Happy birthday Paulie.

02. Jazz
With so many Autobots and Decepticons to choose from, it was tough to pick just one robot in disguise. So I chose Jazz. He was pretty much that cool friend, who had all the cool records and knew which girls would let you feel them up. You know, under the shirt and over the bra. Jazz is awesome.

01. Johnny Five
He's alive and he's pals with Steve Gutteburg. All other robots would clearly be jealous of him.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

"She loves me."

Newzinetter #11

Check out Newzinetter #11!
For a high-res version you can print off, make sure to hit up www.ryanfanclub.com

This month: 

• Yo Ryan! What's Been Goin' On?
• Top 11 Retitled Arnold Movies
• Review of some random rock n' roll comics
• Autoryography Chapter 93: my first visit to Swiss Chalet
• PinterRyan Recipe - meat sandwich
• #1 Fan of the month - Sheona
• and more!!!!!

Arnold Movies - My Five Faves

With the new Terminator flick almost upon us, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on my five favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

5. Twins
The basics: Arnold discovers that Danny DeVito is his long-lost twin brother, and DeVito tries to help Arnold adapt to life in the US of A while searching for their even longer and lost-ier mommy.
Why I Effing Love It: Arnold sings "Yakety Yak, Don't Talk Back", hooks up with a straight up hot 80s blonde goddess, and mocks a poster of Stallone and Rambo III when walking down the street.  Sometimes I like to watch this movie back-to-I'll-be-back with Junior, because there are fewer things in this world better than hearing a pregnant Arnold shout, "I want to keep my baby."

4. Escape Plan
The basics: Arnold teams up with Stallone to help Sly break out of a prison that turns out to be on a ship in the middle of the ocean.
Why I Effing Love It: The two greatest action stars of all-time finally team up together, and even though they're both no longer in their prime, they still show us why they're the best.  Arnold clearly wasn't in as good of shape as Sly in this one, so he fits in well as the helper/informant man.  This movie was full of twists and surprizes, so check it out if you haven't yet.

3. Jingle All The Way
The basics: Arnold goes searching for a Turbo Man action figure for his son on Christmas Eve, after promising the boy that he'd get one for him.  He pals up with Sinbad, who is also looking for a Turbo Man, and they end up in the city's Holiday Parade as Turbo Man and Dementor.  Wow, I've seen this movie too many times.
Why I Effing Love It: Arnold satanically chants "dasher-dancer-prancer-vixen-comet-cupid-donner-blitzen" while running down the street; Arnold beats up a bunch of fake Santas.  Arnold gets a reindeer drunk.  Oh, and of course, "PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN! NOW!"

2. Kindergarten Cop
The basics: Arnold is a cop, you idiot, and he's looking for a bad guy in a nice neighborhood and the best way to do so is to pose as a kindergarten teacher...?
Why I Effing Love It: Arnold doesn't have a tumor.  Arnold one-punches domestic child abuse right out a broken family in broad daylight.  Arnold hooks up with the smokin' hot Penelope Anne Miller.  Arnold delivers the single greatest performance ever in the history of all-time of the line, "SHUUUUUUUTTTTT UPPPPPPPP!"  Arnold learns that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.


1. Commando
The basics: Arnold's daughter Jenny is stolen by an old enemy, and he must come out of retirement to go on a killing spree of bad guys to save his little girl - including killing people in hotels, on the side of the highway, in the mall (pretty sure that dude dies...), and I'm 95% certain he drives a tank down the road in this one too.  A guy I know claims that Commando is essentially a parody of Arnold movies that just so happens to star Arnold.
Why I Effing Love It: The... well... the ... uh... you know, just watch the musical.

- ryan

Top 11 80's Action Heroes

Everyone loves a good action flick.  And the best action movies came straight outta the 80s.  If you disagree then you're wrong.  So I've compiled a list of the best 80's Action Heroes.

But wait, there's certain criteria and rules to follow here.
Rule A: The character must be from an 80's movie.
Rule B: The character must ONLY be in an 80's movie, thus eliminating the possibility of such favorites as Indiana Jones, The Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, Batman, Martin Riggs, and Superman.  You see, they all had sequels in the 90s or the series started in the 70s.

11. Lt. Marion Cobretti (Cobra)
10. Dean Youngblood (Youngblood)
9. Bruce (They Call Me Bruce?)
8. Rip (No Holds Barred)
7. Daniel Larusso (The Karate Kid I-III)
6. Stargrove (Never Too Young To Die)
5. Jack (Legend)
4. Dalton (Road House)
3. Mad Martigan (Willow)
2. John Matrix (Commando)
1. Action Jackson (Action Jackson)

So I hope you've enjoyed this quick Top 11.  I'll consider doing a 90's version, but those 90's action flicks just don't have the same pizazz as the eighties ones.
- ryan of the ryan fan club.