Top 11 Awesomely Awesome Things

Just sit back and relax. Enjoy this ride. There's enough random in here to randomize your rando-meter.

11. Supermarket Sweep
Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune ain't got nothing on Supermarket Sweep. This was hands down the best game show on Earth (excluding Bumper Stumpers) and the proof is in the pudding! What other game show had their contestants run around a grocery store and fill up their carts with random shit?

Castle Mother Effing Grayskull

10. Castle Grayskull
Quite possibly the ultimate childhood toy, Grayskull was the castle that He-Man protected from Skeletor. There were traps, laser guns, and a real working jaw-bridge! 

9. Pink Highlighters
Highlighters were a big craze in the late 80s and early 90s. For a while you could only get them in yellow, and then all-of-a-sudden appeared the pink version. It seems like everything in the early 90s was neon pink and yellow anyway, so why not our writing utensils?

8. The Hoff
David Hasselhoff is just plain wonderful. What a great human being. You don't hassel the Hoff, and that makes him awesomely awesome.

7. Bacon
Everything is better with bacon. When hamburgers became boring, they put bacon on it. Real men didn't want to eat salad, and so bacon was added to Caesar salads. You can get bacon flavored chips and syrup. And I'm pretty sure that Jesus Mother Fuckin' Christ ate some good tasting bacon at the last supper.

6. Canadian Tire Money
Shit yes! You may think that CT Money is a nuisance that seems to gather up on the floor of your car, but this stuff is way more valuable than you can imagine. Take my parents for example. My dad does about 75% of his Christmas shopping with Canadian Tire money. He's not being cheap, he's being economical. And hell, these days you can get just about anything there... if you can find which aisle it's in... and the Canadian Tire dollar seems to be worth more than the actual Canadian dollar.

5. 1989-90 O-Pee-Chee Hockey Cards
Considered the greatest hockey card set ever (by me) this one had a Sakic rookie card, Gretzky with the Kings, and a lot of cards from the once-great Hartford Whalers.  THE WHALE! THE MIGHTY WHALE!
4. Vinyl 
Music is just better sounding on vinyl. Sure, an iPod is easier to use but you don't get that "warm" sound when you listen to music digitally. And I just so happen to have a lot of shitty records that were never re-released on CD... kinda like I have some shitty VHS that never came out on DVD (John Stamos is Born To Ride). Long live vinyl!

3.Twenty-eight Moosehead for the price of 24
We all know I like beer. I like beer like... really a lot. And what could be better than getting 28 of a great beer like Moosehead for the price of only 24? Well, maybe 29... but the dimensions of a case don't really lend themselves to that. Either way, I'm just happy to have a fridge full of Moosehead.

2. Randy "Macho Man" Savage

"Ooooh Yeah!!!!"

He was involved in the greatest Wrestlemania match of all-time. He paraded around with the lovely Elizabeth. He had a variety of hats and crowns that he wore. And he snapped into a Slim Jim. And even though he's dead, he's still awesome.

1. "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys
I'll be honest, this whole list was created because on my way home today I heard "Kokomo" and when that first chorus hit I felt the need to go and dance with anyone. Damn! If "Kokomo" can do that to me, maybe it can bring about world peace.


And... uh... there you have it!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Cocktail - A Guide To Life

...that's not Tom Cruise.

I have a friend who has a friend who claims that watching the movie Cocktail is like watching a porno without any actual explicit sex in it. I'm not going to say that this person is right or wrong, but I will say that there are many great life lessons we can learn from the 1988 flick starring Tom Cruise and the always gorgeous (nay, perfect) Elisabeth Shue. So let's take a look at a few ways to keep your life great, through the teachings of the 81st Greatest Movies of All-Time. 

Part One - School Ain't Cool 
Our protagonist, Brian Flanagan, goes to community college to get a degree in business. But between the boring textbooks and overbearing professors, Flanagan realizes he can learn much more in a bar. Flanagan even writes a business proposal for his own night club, which is rejected by his asshole know-nothing business prof. So Flanagan finds a partner in Doug Coughlin and they make more than enough money in the booze business to pay for what Flanagan's student loans would've been.  They also get more panties thrown at them than you can shake a stick at.  Somebody call up Hasbro, cause I think I've just invented the next great party game.
Lesson: Get an education at the bar. If you aren't already.

Part Two - Mentor A Man With An Accent 
Doug Coughlin is either Irish, Scottish, English, or Australian. I'm not too sure if they mention it in the movie, but it doesn't matter much because all we need to know is that he has a pretty sweet accent that makes all the women attracted to him. Young men such as Flanagan are engulfed by accents as well because they know babes like them. Coughlin passes on his "Coughlin's Laws" to young Flanagan at every opportunity, and the two become best of friends.  Would Coughlin's Laws have contained as much wisdom without a Brit-Scot-Aust-Irish accent?
Lesson: Chicks dig a dude with an accent... so fake it if you have to.

Part Three - Cougars Are Only So Awesome
Cougars are great, especially when they're on the prowl, but here's a learner in being faithful: Flanagan had hooked up with Elisabeth Shue (every man's dream) and then took a bet to get with a rich old lady. Dude... I know it worked in theory, but come on... you fucked around on Lizzy Shue. How could you make her cry like that?  How could you give her those lonely nights alone?  how could you????  You're lucky she took you back. Actually, you're lucky you knocked her up first so she pretty much had to take you back.
Lesson: Not all women are as super-hot and forgiving as Elisabeth Shue is. So if you fuck around, chances are they won't take you back.  Also, if you hurt Lizzy Shue's feelings, we'll find you.  Oh yes.


Part Four - Talk In Rhyme at a Convenient Time
People will always listen if you can talk in rhyme. It worked for Roadblock in GI Joe. It worked for Eminem in "8 Mile" (even though that was just a bad photocopy of "Purple Rain". And it worked for Brian Flanagan too. But it's always best if you do it as a toast, with a nice drink in your hand.
Lesson: Don't go crazy and join the church of Scientology.

So there we have it. If you've never seen Cocktail, go rent it. Or buy it. It's usually in the cheap bin at Wal-Mart for about five bucks. You might get something completely different out of the movie. And at least you'll get to stare at Elisabeth Shue in a bathing suit.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan
(Oh, and below, check out my video for "Lizzy Shue" from a couple years ago.  The entire song was inspired by my love for the the movie Cocktail, and of course for Elisabeth  Shue.)