I'm Spreading This Reese's on Everything

There are really no words to describe the joy that is now filling up inside me, as I attempt to spread this new Reese Spread on... well, just about anything.

It was recommended to me by good friends Wessy-Poo and Monica, and I ran out the next morning to buy it.

The first taste had to simply be off a spoon.  Just on it's own.  Just to see what we were really dealing with here.  Then, I did what the label illustrated - I put it on toast and apple slices.  I gotta admit, if it weren't for those sly instructions I may never have put it on apple slices. Some folks might not like the idea of spreading this glory on something healthy like a piece of fruit, but I figure if it's on the label then it's one of the primary uses.

Next came a celery stick, because when I was a kid I used to put peanut butter and cheese whiz on celery sticks.  This seemed like a natural progression to me.  And it fell in line with the "healthy" exploration that began with the apple slices.   The juncture between healthy and fun came with spreading it on a Sweet N' Salty almond granola bar.  That was damn good.

Then it seemed like a good idea to just spread it on my lips so I would be extra kissable.  Not that I'm not already kissable - I'd like to think that I'm pretty kissable.  I mean, if I weren't me, I'd probably kiss me.  So anyway, I put some on my lips and made the kissy-face at The Lovely Wife.  She didn't make the kissy-face back.  In fact, she made the ever-so-popular what-the-fuck-are-you-doing face, followed by the equally arousing why-am-I-still-married-to-you face.

All plans to spread this Reese on my junk in hopes of some sweet mouth lovin' went out the window.

Back to the food, I decided, and I spread it on a Reese Chocolate Bar.  I should mention that this was my first time ever trying the Reese chocolate bar.  I was very excited for it, but found it lacked the chocolate to peanut butter ratio that the regular peanut butter cups have.  My favorite Reese is the larger sized, two-pack of peanut butter cups. They have more peanut butter in them.  I once tried that 1-pound peanut butter cup and, while it was magical in its own right, I found it was heavy on the chocolate side.

At my recent No Vegans Allowed BBQ, I bought an eight-pack of peanut butter cups and a bunch of us spread this Reese on those.  A couple of us had orgasms.  One of us had two (I'm looking at you Wessy-Poo). 

There are a few other tests I'd like to do, but just haven't gotten around to it yet.  I'd like to use this Reese on baked potatoes, pretzels, and as a marinade for steak.  Ultimately I see myself using this spread for making peanut butter cookies. 

And let's be real, I'll get around to spreading it on my junk at some point.

- ryan

PS - I think I should go on record by saying that spreading any kind of food on your private areas isn't a really good idea.  I'm not talking from personal experience here (unless you count that time an old girlfriend and I decided to experiment with honey, which was a stupid idea for a man with a hairy chest) but more from cautionary common sense.  You don't want your penis or vagina to start attracting ants - especially RED ANTS! - or flies or homeless people looking for any table scraps they can find.  I'm about 95% sure that when the good people at the Reese company developed this tasty spread they had no intention of anyone spreading it on their bodies to make oral sex taste better for their partner.  And if they did think of developing it for sexual reasons, then wow, someone's got a wicked sense of creative imagination, and I'd be half-scared to see their internet browsing history.  So, be safe folks!  Don't attract those red ants!

Newzinetter #8

Canada Day and the 4th of July

July 1st is Canada Day.  For those of you who don't live in Canada and are reading this, you might just imagine that it's like the 4th of July, but for Canadians.  And now that I've written that, I fully expect to have my Canadian citizenship taken away.

You see, Canadians don't really like having themselves compared to their southern neighbors.  I think it was best summed up on an episode of The Kids In The Hall when Dave Foley was asked if he was American, and he said something along the lines of, "I'm a Canadian.  It's like an American, but I don't carry a gun."

...just Ontario.

As Canadians, we're very quick to point out the differences between us and the U.S. of A.  Heaven forbid if someone thinks we're from 'Murica.

"We have free national healthcare for all Canadians!"
"We don't walk around with guns and shoot each other for no reason!"
"Our beer doesn't taste like crap!"
"We're polite, gosh darnit!"

Gosh darnit, some of those facts are pretty darn nice.  And combined, let's not forget that Canadian hockey teams have won more Stanley Cups than American hockey teams.  Because that's really important to us, you know.  Ask any die-hard Maple Leafs fan, and they'll tell you - if the Leafs aren't gonna win a Cup this year, then it should be another Canadian team (except Montreal, of course) because the Cup belongs to Canada.

Gosh darnit!

We're so polite that one of our Provinces tried to leave the country a few years back and we almost let them go.  Does that make Quebec the girlfriend to the rest of Canada that just hangs around to keep the family together so the kids will always have two parents?

And what about those gun laws?  We sure do love to talk about Canadian gun control.  We're not violent little shits like those Americans, no sir!  Heck, there's never a murder in Canada.  Well, not one that we talk about in great detail anyway, because we're so gosh darn polite we'd rather talk about your Aunt's Maple Syrup.  Apparently, according to her, it was a good year for maple syrup.  Well then, serve me up some pancakes!

Just for fun, here's a video I made a few years back about the difference between the U.S.A. and Canada.  I put their name first to be polite.  And really, the video is about the difference between American Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and Canadian Kraft Dinner.

That was fun, gosh darnit.

Maybe someday I'll do a comparison of the Canadian and American versions of Smarties.

I've often wondered why Americans are so quick to shoot their guns at each other.  My only answer is that their Reese Peanut Butter Cups come in packages of two, instead of three like here in Canada.  And yet, we're quick to tell America they have an obesity problem.  I don't know about you, but if there were only two peanut butter cups in a pack, I'd be upset.  Maybe not enough to shoot someone, but then again I've never been in that situation before.  I have a tummy, and I'm not obese, but gosh darnit I want three peanut butter cups.  That's like, one per period of the game.

I miss those Canadian Heritage Minutes.  Remember those?

This guy's Canadian, yo.

"Doctor... I smell... burnt toast!!!!!"
Those were a lot of fun.  The ones I remember most vividly were the ones where we tried to claim credit for Superman and Basketball.  To be sure, Basketball was created by Canadian James Naismith and it's a great game, but the sport is so much more popular in the States and there's only one Canadian team in the NBA.  And don't get me started on how Superman stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way.  That's a whole blog for another day.  (PS - he was only half created by a Canadian)

About fifteen years ago I saw a local band playing on Canada Day at a place called Lake Ontario Park. They were a mullet band, so of course I watched them.  For some ridiculous reason they decided to play John Mellencamp's "Pink Houses" and change the lyrics from "Ain't that America" to "Ain't that Canada."  I'm not sure where the crowd buried their bodies, but there could have been a riot there comparable to the 2011 Vancouver riots after the Stanley Cup was won by my Boston Bruins.

Yeah, I cheer for an American hockey team.  Sorry...?

But I do love living in Canada.  We're great people.  Kind, friendly, polite, apologetic, and just plain swell.  If we were potato chips, we'd probably be Sour Cream n' Onion flavored.  We're not for everybody, but those who love us REALLY love us.

I'll leave you with this fun graphic I made.
- ryan

extensively researched while enjoying a European ale.