Top 11 Video Game Babes

Chun-Li

Since you all loved my Top 11 Cartoon Babes list so much, I have been asked to do a Top 11 Video Game Babes list.  Now, be forewarned that I am NOT a gamer.  I've never even touched most of the popular games from the last ten years.  So if you're looking for some Final Fantasy babes or GTA babes, they're not here.  My video game knowledge is mostly limited to the games I played as a teen in the 90s and the NHL series by EA Sports. And try as you might, Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins just isn't a babe in my books.  I tried to play Arkham Asylum and never bothered finishing it.  And I love me some Batman.

So here we go.
  
11. Cooking Mama (Cookling Mama Cook Off)
I don't really care for this game.  The Lovely Wife played it a lot when we first got a Nintendo Wii in 2008.  We used our leftover Honeymoon money to buy one.  Anyway, Cooking Mama is here simply because a girl who can cook is sexy to me.

10. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)
You might wonder why Miss Croft is so low on this list.  One reason: the movie.  I just don't like Angelina Jolie.  Sorry Angelina, nothing personal.  I guess that's not very nice of me.  I don't even know her.  I've heard that Daisy Ridley might be playing Lara Croft.  If that happens, she'll move up higher on this list.

09. Head Mistress Helga (Revolution X)
As usual, I've found a way to somehow insert Aerosmith into my Top 11 list.  You should be used to it by now.  When I first played this game as a young teen, Helga was clearly a villain.  But now as an adult, the idea of Head Mistress Helga in her black leather with her whip is kinda cool.  And she kidnapped Aerosmith.  High five.

Music is the weapon to defeat Head Mistress Helga!  Shoot her with CDs!  I'm not kidding!  Fire those CDs!

08. Judy Nails (Guitar Hero II)
Chicks who play the guitar are hot.   'Nuff said.

07. Marian (Double Dragon)
Years of reading comic books has left with me a complex that think damsels in distress are attractive.  Though I always wondered why both of the Double Dragons were on this quest.  Once rescued, did they have to share Marian?  Would they eventually battle for her love, and ultimately sweet, sweet kisses? 

06. Chun-Li (Street Fighter II Turbo)
Back in the day nobody wanted to be beat up by a girl.  At one point in history it was actually embarrassing to get beat up by a girl.  Time have changed, and so have  mindsets, and I think getting whooped by Chun-Li would be pretty sexy.

She can fly!!!!!!!!!!!

05. Princess Toadstool (Super Mario Bros. 2)
I'm old school.  I just can't bring myself to call her Princess Peach.
Also, I'm picking the version from Super Mario 2 because this was the first game where she actually contributed.  We already have one damsel in distress on this list.  I remember playing this game as a kid and since you could choose which character to use, so many people would use the Princess because, "she can fly".  I like to think this just made it easier to look up Toadstool's dress.

04. You (The Sims)
Good morning beautiful.  You're a fucking gorgeous human being.  Now, create an exact copy of yourself in a computer game and lock yourself in a room until you pee on the floor.

03. Princess Zelda (Zelda)
It's unfortunate that the adventures of Link weren't named after him.  I mean, if you're talking with someone about sexy video game characters (like maybe I was for this blog) and they never played many games and just know the titles you might get a weird look for saying something like, "I'd totally hook up with Zelda."  Because the other person might think you're talking about Link.  Or maybe they're giving you a weird look because you're talking about having sex with a video game character.  Or maybe you live in your parents' basement.  And you wonder why you keep getting stuck in the "Friend Zone" with chicks.

02. Rosalina (Mario Kart Wii)

I'd blow in her cartridge.

I have made so many inappropriate comments about Rosalina over the years while playing Mario Kart, that to this day when we play The Lovely Wife refers to her as "Your Stupid Whore Girlfriend" when Rosalina hits her with a red shell.
I even blogged about her being a total babe - "Rosalina Is a Total Babe"

01. Juliet (Lollipop Chainsaw)
This is one of my favorite video games ever.  And I never even finished it.  I just loved the idea of a high school cheerleader running around with a chainsaw and slashing up zombies.  It was pretty much everything I ever loved about the shitty movies my buddy Riot used to make me watch all those years ago. I read some poor reviews of this game before buying it, and still said, "Fuck it, it's a cheerleader with a chainsaw slashing up zombies... shut up and take my money."

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

(And how about an honorable mention to the Leisure Suit Larry series, which could have it's own Top 11 in this category...)

Top 11 Music Movies

Today we take a look at eleven of the best music movies ever made.  I wanted to call it the best Rock n' Roll movies made, but then someone would have a hissy-fit about their being rap movies on the list too, even though rap music embodies the same spirit as rock n' roll.  These are all truly great films that you should check out.  Well, mostly.

Concert films will not be considered on this list.  So that's a "no" to all those great Hanson VHS tapes I see at the thrift stores.  Also, anything with The Beatles in it will not be allowed either, because I just don't like The Beatles.  I know what you're thinking, and when you have a website with your name and fan club in title you can write whatever list you want.  I won't stop you.

11. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Alright, I know I said no Beatles, but they aren't even in this movie.  Let's get something out of the way.  This movie sucks.  I mean, really, really sucks.  But the Aerosmith performance of "Come Together" is almost worth sitting through the first hour or so of shit to get to it.  Thankfully you can just YouTube that kind of stuff these days. I had to watch this crap on VHS in the late 90s.  Imagine sitting through this flick in the theaters in the 70s.  This will be the only piece of shit movie on this list that gets by with one redeeming quality.  I swear.

10. Rock N' Roll High School Forever
I'm not sure if this is a sequel to the Ramones movie or not, but it stars Corey Feldman, has a villain principal named Vader, and I found it in the 99-cent bin at Jumbo Video.  I've actually never seen the original Rock N' Roll High School, so I can't say if it's a sequel or not.  I can just assume that since this one has Corey Feldman in it that it must be at least 70 times better.  So Principal Vader tries to eliminate all elements of rock n' roll and fun from the high school, and that means Feldman's band, The Eradicators, won't be able to play at prom.  Son of a bitch!
This flick came out in the early 90s, so it falls into the time frame of stuff that was more or less leftover from the 80s.  Bonus points for that!

09. Spice World
I only saw this movie because I won two free passes to go see it.  So I got really drunk and took my roommate Joshua Lindsay Mercer Clements.  Within the first ten minutes or so we get to see Britney Spears in some revealing lingerie, and then she road trips with some friends to go and become a singing sensation somewhere.
Along the way, she hooks up with your typical hot/sensitive bad-boy type and after letting him hit her vagina one more time, she decides that she's not a girl and not yet a woman.  I guess she's just a slave for him and... wait, I'm not talking about Spice World at all, am I?  I always meant to see that movie.  One of the Kids In The Hall is in it, you know.

08. Rock Star
This one hits a little close to home.  You see, when Rock Star came out in 2001 I was at the apex of my Steven Tyler fandom. Yes, I used to have long hair, wear leopard print clothing, and pretty much try to be as cool as Steven Tyler.  The difference between me and Marky Mark in this movie?  He got to become the front man of his favorite band.  And he got to hook it up with Jennifer Aniston. And he go to drive Adam West's Batmobile.  And eventually he traveled to the Planet of the Apes.  Funny how things work out sometimes.


07. Straight Outta Compton
This one is still pretty new, but it's already better than most rock movies out there. Definitely better than anything that had the Beatles in it, anyway.  I won't spoil it for you because you should check it out, but I will rant about all the classic hip hop from my youth that's in it.  And just like, I totally dated myself. There was the big hoopla about how this movie was overlooked by the Oscars, and I thought, wouldn't it be funny if Ice Cube's son won an Oscar playing a man who made a bunch of movies that never would have won Oscars... it's kind of like a story inside of a story.  Would Ice Cube be pissed of proud? I don't know, that's why I ask you these things.

06. The Runaways
Kristen Stewart gets a lot of flack, and rightfully so, for those shitty ass Twilight movies. And Snow White and the Huntress kinda sucked too.  But I don't believe it was her fault entirely, because she's never been better or hotter than she is in The Runaways.  I guess there's just something about a bad-ass chick playing the guitar.  The Runaways is such an involving movie that I didn't realize General Zod was the band's manager until nearly the end of the movie.  Michael Shannon is the man.  And Dakota Fanning?  She spends most of the movie practically naked and drunk.  God bless rock n' roll.

05. The Wall
Have you ever gotten really fucked up and watched Pink Floyd's flick? Even if you're not fucked up, it'll fuck you up really good.  I got this album at a thrift shop for a dollar and listened to it on repeat for a week or two straight.  So I watched the movie.  Sober.  Completely sober.  I watched it with my good friend Peter, because he's probably the biggest Pink Floyd fan I know and I wanted his expert commentary to go along with it.  It's a great mix of acting and animation (and really great music).  And it's still one of the only albums I have to listen to start to finish.  I can't even just listen to the singles on their own.  To me, they have to be part of the whole story.

04. Still Crazy
I'm not actually going to say anything about this movie, and instead post the trailer for it so you can get excited to see it.  If you've never seen this movie, we can't be friends.

 

03. This Is Spinal Tap
It sure is. Don't make me just post another trailer to watch.  This movie is actually a big part of why I do Top 11 lists.  I used to do Top 10 lists until my good friend Chris suggested I make mine go to eleven, just like in Spinal Tap.  The amp that goes to eleven, the Stonehenge sequence, and the "Lick My Love Pump" bit are some of the most cherished moments in movie and music history, but for me, my favorite part is,
"You can't do that.  That's sexist."
"What's wrong with being sexy?"


02. La Bamba
The story of Ritchie Valens is a big part of why I got interested in rock n' roll.  I first saw this movie when I was only seven, and everything about it just spoke to me.  I got the Los Lobos soundtrack and learned all the words to the classic songs on the LP.  I guess, deep down, I just always wanted to be a star in the golden age of rock n' roll, find a pretty girl named Donna, have an alcoholic half-brother, and die in a plane crash.  Oh, sorry, spoiler alert - he dies in a plane crash at the end.
Sorry.

01. Purple Rain
Before we get into the number one, can I just get everyone to promise they'll never watch the sequel to Purple Rain called "Graffiti Bridge"? Thanks.
Now, let's go crazy.  If you've ever seen the movie 8 Mile, then you've seen a really glamoured up knock off of Purple Rain.  The story is pretty predictable. The acting is... well, I'm not actually sure there is any acting in this.  They're all kind of playing themselves.  But the music and the performances.  Mother fucker!  It's like getting spanked and wanting more.  And there's just something oddly compelling about watching Prince kiss Apollonia.  It's not so much kissing as it looks like he's trying to steal her essence through her mouth.  It's actually kind of uncomfortable to watch the first time.  I love this movie so much that I even sleep in a Purple Rain t-shirt.  I probably shouldn't have told you that.  Now you're going to have some nightmares.  Well, I guess that's what it sounds like when doves cry.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

The Vasectomy

me, pre-vasectomy

You know, I wasn't going to write about this.  But then a couple of people pointed out how much they enjoyed my blog post about The Inside-Outside Penis Fiasco, and thought I should really over-share about my vasectomy experience too.

So I guess you can consider yourselves lucky, maybe, that's up to you, that here we are again talking about my junk and the trauma it has been put through.  Why you enjoy this kinda shit is beyond me, but if having my penis on your mind is the only way to have it somehow inside of you then I guess a blog post will have to do.

I decided last summer that I wanted a vasectomy.  I have two wonderful children - they're smart, beautiful, funny, creative, and loving.  They're also expensive, loud, and in serious need of finding the means to earn their own keep.  I love them so much that I couldn't imagine having any more.

Plus, after talking it over with a good friend of mine who had already gone under the blade, I learned that I would get a free shave of my manly area.  Fellas, if you aren't already keeping that area neat n' tidy, you really should.  If you're expecting a girl to put her face down there, it's just the polite thing to do.

But I digress.

I really had no idea what I was doing.  I thought getting a vasectomy would be a simple nut job - in and out, so I went to see my family doctor.  She had to make me an appointment with a specialist.  She didn't even want to see my penis and testicles.  Trust me, I asked.  I had given my balls a good clean shave to be prepared (and by the way, I wholeheartedly recommend the Intuition razor for such a job.  You may feel silly going to the drug store to purchase a lady razor, but when it comes to your balls, it's the best, smoothest, safest feeling shave you'll ever have.  They didn't pay me to say this, but if they need a dude to endorse their product to other men, I'd do it for them).

So a few weeks later I went to see the specialist.  Again, I shaved up nice and good.  My thinking on this was pretty simple - even though I had been told I'd get a free shave anyway, I wanted to be a gentleman about it.  If you were having a first meeting with a new lady friend, or a job interview, you'd clean yourself up in an appropriate manner.  The first time my balls are going to meet someone new, they're going to be shaved.  Simple as that.

Well, unless I was really drunk.

Anyway, this trip to the Vasectomy Specialist was pretty uneventful.  There were no sharp objects in the room, no plans to do any slicing and dicing, and he didn't want to see my penis either.  As it turned out, this was just a consultation.  It was more like an interview than anything.

me, the morning of the vasectomy

"So I hear you want to have a vasectomy."
"Yeah.  I hear they're all the rage."
"Do you have kids already?"
"I have two. A beautiful girl and a wonderful boy."
"Makes sense to me, let's cut you up."

He drew me a little diagram to show me what he was going to do.  It was both technical and rudimentary at the same time.  It wasn't to scale.  It was done on scrap paper.  It wasn't even done with a nice mechanical pencil or calligraphy pen.  The diagram Chris Morris gave me of the clitoris in 1998 was a more professional work than the diagram of my testicles.

"Sorry, I'm not much of an artist."
"I am.  I once drew my penis for a triage nurse."
"Really?"
"Yeah, it turned inside-out once."
".....Oh."

 We shook hands and I left the consultation.  I'm happy to say the doctor had a good, strong handshake.  It made me feel good about the fact that he'd be holding sharp knives and blades around my little buddy.  I was actually a little disappointed with the consultation, simply because I thought I'd be getting the operation right there and then.  I went home empty handed.  But still full-balled.

My actual operation was then scheduled to be in another three months or so.

It's like they were giving me plenty of time to change my mind.  Like, maybe over the Christmas holidays I'd decide that I wanted to father another ten or twelve kids over the next three years.    Or maybe it was just a jerk thing to do.  Because we all know that during those three months I'd likely have sex approximately three times with The Lovely Wife.  Those of you who are married will understand the math there.  Those of you not married - don't get married.  Don't bother doing the math, just don't get married.

Finally, the day came.  I had been trying for the days leading up to it to get some action from The Lovely Wife, thinking I could give her a little going away present.  It was very genuine and thoughtful, offering to give her something she would never be able to have again.  She politely declined for womanly reasons.  I argued that just because the monkey had a bloody nose didn't mean the circus wasn't in town.

No dice.

My father took me for surgery.  It was pretty cool to have him there.  It was like a royal funeral or something.  I'm the only male in my family to have produced a boy offspring, so because of me my family name will continue.  The trumpets blared as we said good-bye to my sperm.  Okay, it was nothing like that.  But it would've been cool if it was.

Actually, there was another D-list celebrity just like me waiting there to get a vasectomy.  I'm not going to name names because his business is his business, but it was pretty cool to know that we sorta had each others' backs.  When I mentioned this to The Lovely Wife she said, "if he's a D-list celebrity, then you must be an X-list celebrity."  I'd like to think she meant that I'd be a great porno star if I put my mind to it.

The doctor and nurse were finally ready to see my penis, and the accompanying testicles.  It's sort of a two-for-one deal, you know.  Naturally, I kept everything neat and tidy down there for them.  Respect, I tell you, respect.

The pain of the operation was... well, my testicles were invaded by complete strangers and they put clamps down inside to stop any sperm from going the distance.  Yeah, it hurt, but I'm not going to sit here and make an allegory for it.  Use your imagination.  It fucking hurt.  Luckily, I had just the right amount of freezing, a nurse from another area of the hospital who didn't normally do vasectomies, and one of my favorite Aerosmith songs on the radio to help distract me from the pain.

One thing that surprised me though, was that nobody asked me to leave a sample of my perfectly good sperm.  I always thought they kept a sample of it just in case.  Not in case I ever want to have a baby, but in case I lose a finger or something and they need some of my DNA to grow a new one.  Or if, like, Taylor Swift wants to be artificially inseminated.  My sperm would have totally been there for her.  But nope, they didn't ask for one.  And believe it or not, that kind of made me sad.  It had always been a dream of mine to have a pretty nurse ask me to jerk off for her.

They cleaned up some blood and told me to get dressed because they were done looking at my penis.  They recommended using a bag of frozen peas to deal with the swelling, and gave me some Tylenol-3s to deal with any pain.  I didn't actually use the pills.  I think I'll save them for something more painful, like if Scott Bryan ever figures out a way to defeat me in Monopoly.

this was actually a pretty decent read.

As I was leaving, the nurse handed me a little doggy-bag sort of thing with a lovely brochure entitled, "After Your Vasectomy".  The title seemed a little personal. Was everyone getting the same brochure about MY vasectomy?  She also sent me home with a little cup and bio hazard bag for me to bring back a sample of my semen after three months.  Awwwww yeah, she wanted me to jerk off after all.

Did you know that after a vasectomy you can still knock a girl up for up to three months?  That's right, folks.  I've insisted upon the slogan of, "up the bum - no babies" and The Lovely Wife keeps insisting that she's really tired and has been working a lot of late nights.

Recovering from a vasectomy is different for everyone.  Some people actually go back to work that day.  Some people take a few days.  I asked the doctor how long I should wait until I had hanky-panky again.  And yes, I referred to it as "hanky-panky".  After giving me the speech about the three month wait, I assured him I just wanted to make sure I didn't break anything.  "Wait a week or so," he said.  "You won't want to do anything with that for a few days."

I didn't know what he meant until day four of recovery.  Recovery for me was pretty good.  The pain was gone by day two, the swelling only lasted the first day, and I have a whole bag of frozen peas in the freezer that I can either use for a Sheppard's Pie or hold on to for the next time I have a vasectomy.  The bruising, however, took me by surprise.  The doctor wasn't kidding about not wanting to do anything for a few days.  My junk was so bruised up that it pretty much retreated back to basic training.  On day four, I woke up - typically - with morning wood.  No big deal.  Ask any guy, it's pretty much a daily occurrence.

not actually my penis

But I decided to take a look down there, knowing full well that I was bruised up pretty good.  I knew my dick would look like it had taken a beating, and not the type of beating you'd want your dick to take, but I wasn't prepared to look down there and see Two-Face from the Batman comics.  One side of the dick was totally normal, and the other side was bruised and purple and flipping a coin.

Two weeks passed, and I was all healed up.  I was happy.  Happy because I knew I wasn't about to have any more children.  Then The Lovely Wife started oddly craving Pepsi and puked her guts out with a sickness in the early morning.  As I brought her up a glass of water, she looked up at me as if to say, "uh-fucking-oh."

The Clear Blue pregnancy test came back as "Not Pregnant", which was great because:
A) we definitely weren't having more kids
B) I didn't have to throw my back out by throwing her down the stairs
C) I'm not a big fan of irony
D) all of the above

I was so excited that I almost went out and bought her a cake with "Congrats You're Not Pregnant" on it.

Thanks for reading.  I'm going to end today's blog post with a little Improexophonophelia.

vasectomy

by ryan matthew ewing

vasectomy, vasectomy, vasectomy

free health care, free health care, free health care

vasectomy, vasectomy, Vasectomy

one vasectomy is still cheaper than ten abortions

vasectomy

me, post-vasectomy

Don't Wanna Kiss Your Thing

Back in Spring 1998, at the lustful age of seventeen, I was sitting in my Creative Arts class, working on a large drawing of all my Scourge characters. I had become absolutely obsessed with Aerosmith. It seemed like I couldn't have a conversation without bringing up one of their songs. Steven Tyler was my hero, and sometimes I'd refer to him as my "spiritual father".

We were listening to the radio in class when suddenly I could hear Tyler's signature voice. Could this be their new single from Nine Lives? I thought to myself. Nope, I'd listened to that album at least one hundred times and told my friend's Rebekah and Laura everything about the album at least two hundred times. I would've recognized a song sooner. I had all their albums, so the only logical explanation was that this song was something completely new.

I waited by the radio until I got the chance to hear it again and tape it off the radio.

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing is a beautiful song. The lyrics, the melody... I really thought Steven had outdone himself with this one. Then, as it gained more airplay, the CD became available. The Armageddon Soundtrack which had enough Aerosmith songs to pretty much be an Aerosmith album, was pretty solid as far as soundtracks go.

Pretty soon though, "IDWTMAT" started getting lots of backlash. But why? Aerosmith had done love songs before and they were huge hits. People loved Angel, Crazy, and the best of them all, What It Takes. Were people just sick and tired of the formulaic "Aerosmith Ballad"?

Then the news broke: Oh my God, this song wasn't written by the Tyler/Perry songwriting combo. No, the Toxic Twins had nothing to do with it. IDWTMAT was written by Dianne Warren. And she was best known for Celine Dion songs. Celine Fucking Dion.

Before you knew it, a country singer also recorded the song and people were saying things like "Did you hear Aerosmith's remake of that country song?" Suddenly people were referring to the band as sell-outs, calling them Aero Supply, and making it hard for anyone to be an Aerosmith fan. Even Steven Tyler himself has referred to the song as I Don't Want To Kiss Your Thing. Is this the song that made Aerosmith so jaded? Yes, that pun was intentional. You might even say that IDWTMAT was "Hey, Over-Play-ded". Okay, that wasn't quite as funny.

So where does the song stand all these years later? Some people really hate it. And I mean absolutely loathe it. But when you think of how many married couples had their first dance to this song, and how many children were probably conceived to this song, it kinda lightens it all up a bit. Call me a softy, but I don't really mind this song at all. Mind you, being the obsessed Aerosmith fan that I am, I do have a harder rock mix of it, and that's the one I tend to listen to.

It's also a different song when listened to from different perspectives.  Mostly these days when I hear this song it's because I'm singing it to my daughter as one of her lullabies.   Don't get me wrong, she loves "Dream On", and her favorite Aerosmith song is "Livin' On The Edge", but when it's lullaby time, she really wants to hear  that song from the movie about the asteroid.

I guess it all comes down to personal taste. I mean, there will always be crappy music that is popular while some real artists are over-looked. Even Aerosmith themselves are victims of it. While their popular songs like IDWTMAT, Crazy, Jaded, Cryin', and Pink flourished on the radio, some of their real gems of the same time period like Eat The Rich, Beyond Beautiful, Taste Of India, and Hangman Jury are barely recognizable to the public. I'm not going to pass down a judgement that is set in stone, but I will say if you like the song, good for you. If you don't, and you don't mind missing a thing, then that's no problem either.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Newzinetter #11

Check out Newzinetter #11!
For a high-res version you can print off, make sure to hit up www.ryanfanclub.com

This month: 

• Yo Ryan! What's Been Goin' On?
• Top 11 Retitled Arnold Movies
• Review of some random rock n' roll comics
• Autoryography Chapter 93: my first visit to Swiss Chalet
• PinterRyan Recipe - meat sandwich
• #1 Fan of the month - Sheona
• and more!!!!!

The Best of 2015!

Once again it's time to look back on what happened in a calendar year.  I do this every year, and it's important to remember that this is all my opinion.  My best isn't necessarily your best, or your mama's best, or your drug dealer's best. 

Entertainment wise, 2015 was a pretty decent year.  Here's what I liked best about it.

The Best Movies of 2015
1. Creed
Let's get one thing straight - I was fully ready to make The Force Awakens the #1 movie of the year from the time I saw the first trailer.  Then something happened.  A new Rocky movie came out.  While a new Star Wars flick is the one that made me most excited, it was Creed that had me leaving the theater fully blown away.  Props to Trainwreck for being hysterical and giving John Cena something interesting to do (I don't mean being naked).  And Cinderella was a surprising amount of fun too.
2. The Force Awakens
3. Terminator: Genysis
4. Trainwreck
5. Cinderella

The Best Music of 2015
1. Prince: Hit N' Run Phase One
I didn't buy a whole lot of new music this year, but what I did drop money on I really liked.  Prince put out two new albums this year, with the first one being incredible and the second being just okay.  Buckcherry is no stranger to this yearly list either.  Hollywood Vampires is a classic rocking album that everyone should take a listen to (Alice Cooper + Joe Perry + Johnny Depp = awesome).  A new Bon Jovi record came out with very little attention.  It's good, but is definitely missing Ritchie Sambora.
2. Buckcherry: Rock N' Roll
3. Hollywood Vampires
4. Bon Jovi : Burning Bridges
5. Steven Tyler - Love Is Your Name

The Best TV of 2015
1. The Muppets
This fall was also the most excited I've been for new TV in a long time.  The Muppets is just perfect, Supergirl keeps getting better, and Ash VS Evil Dead reminds us what we loved about Sam Raimi's flicks in the first place.  There's actually more TV I've wanted to catch up on but haven't had the time to, because there's just so much good on right now.  Hell, I could even add in some of the shows my kids watch because those are darn good too.
2. Supergirl
3. Ash Vs Evil Dead
4. Flash
5. WWE Raw

The Best Babes of 2015
1. Melissa Benoist (Supergirl)
I keep using the word "Adorkable" for this new Supergirl.  I forget where I stole the phrase from but I'm going to keep using it.  Seriously, watch that show.  You'll fall in love with her.  Paige continues to be the main reason I tune in to WWE Raw on Monday nights.  And Dillion Harper is... well, I'm sure you can figure that out.  If not, there's such a thing as Google.  Taylor Swift continues to leave messages on my phone, and Daisy Ridley has become everyone's new favorite Jedi. 
2. Paige (WWE Diva)
3. Dillion Harper (Moms Bang Teens #11)
4. Taylor Swift
5. Daisy Ridley (The Force Awakens)

So that's what I thought of 2015.
What did you like best?

- ryan

Buckcherry - Rock 'N' Roll

The last down n' dirty rock n' roll band in town is back for another round.

I've been a Buckcherry fan since they showed up on the scene with "Lit Up", so I'm always a little excited when they come out with a new album.  Hearing something new from them brings me back to the summer of '99, driving around with the D.W.O. doing loser laps, and trying to get into bars without any real form of ID.

The new album from Buckcherry, Rock 'N' Roll, is really good.  If you're looking for a departure from the usual Buckcherry flair, it's not here.  There's nothing overly new here, unless you count the funky horns section in Tight Pants, and that's a good thing.  Buckcherry is really the last of the old school rock bands.  And even though they weren't around during the heyday of Aerosmith, AC/DC, Motley Crue, or Guns N' Fuckin' Roses, you can feel like they belong in that club.

Last summer, Buckcherry released an EP simply called Fuck.  It was decent, but mostly a novelty when you think that it was pretty much recorded to set a record for the most times the word "Fuck" was used on an album.  Take that, hip hop!  But seriously, it worried me when the best song on the EP was the cover of Icona Pop's "I Love It", retitled brilliantly as "Say Fuck It".

What we have on Rock 'N' Roll is a return to Buckcherry basics - strong guitars, catchy hooks, and just enough swearing to make it cool but not completely unable to get on radio.  After the band had a huge hit with Crazy Bitch in '06, I think they tried relying too much on the blatant in-your-face swearing to keep themselves noticed.  Hence, the Fuck EP and a few other songs that had a good idea but lacked the hook of Crazy Bitch's pre-chorus.

I already mentioned Tight Pants, which has such a strong groove that it could have been an Aerosmith song from the Get A Grip era.  It rocks, it funks, it swears a little... it's Buckcherry at their finest.  Then there's The Madness and Sex Appeal, which follow the tried n' true Buckcherry verse-chorus-hook formula that worked on Lit Up, Everything, and Next 2 You in the past.

Wood continues Josh Todd's lyrical exploration of hooking up with chicks, while rockers like Cradle and Get With It are great to listen to while enjoying a beer.

The only throwaway for me was The Feeling Never Dies, which I seem to find myself skipping on each listen.

Overall, this is one of Buckcherry's strongest releases, and probably their most complete offering since 2006's 15.  It's tight, fast-paced, and leaves you wanting more.  Definitely worth the $9.99 I dropped on iTunes for it.

- ryan

Top 11 Doctors

Need a prescription?  How about someone to take a look at that mole? What about someone to fight Nazis or jam with the Electric Mayhem?

Here's 11 of the best doctors.

11. Dr. Who - I'm not a fan, but he's always around attractive British girls so he's got that going for him.
10. Dr. J. Jones - in the 70's, Aerosmith toured a few small venues under the pseudonym "Dr. J. Jones and the Interns." That would've been cool to see.
9. Doogie Howser M.D. - yo Vinny!
8. Dr. Dolittle - any excuse to have Eddie Murphy on a list is a good excuse.
7. Dr. Kahn, my dentist - he does good work.
6. Doctor Zaius - he's not just a damn, dirty ape!
5. Dr. Schlotkin - he went back to the course to work on his putts.
4. Dr. Henry Jones Jr. - they named the dog Indiana.
3. Doctor Teeth - hmmmm, usually the doc puts his fingers up your bum but I guess it's the opposite when the doc is a Muppet.
2. Dr. Mario - level twenty is the only real starting level.
1. Doc Emmet Brown - great Scott! One point twenty-one gigawatts!

The end!
(I wanted to include Dr. Huxtable, but he's not very popular on the internet right now)

Birth Control

I have two wonderful children whom I love dearly.

But that's plenty, thank you.

Recently there were some weirdo protestors in my area flashing pictures of dead baby fetuses to make a point about abortion.  Gross shit.  And really, nobody wants to see it.  There are better ways of getting your point across.  Some people say abortion is wrong and others say it's the woman's choice.  While I do believe it is the woman's final choice to have an abortion, my complex opinion really doesn't matter because I'm not the one with a baby growing inside me.

So I got to thinking about birth control. 

Since having our second child in December of last year, my wife has been on birth control.  There were so many options to choose from.  Choosing the best birth control method must be like picking out new curtains.  Choose wisely, because you'll be stuck with them for a while, and you don't want to see them every morning and regret your choice.

this looks more like the Popomatic Trouble game.

There's pills, needles, patches, a lightning rod that goes up the vagina, or the option of just cutting my penis off. 

Yeah, I kinda like my penis where it is.

Whatever happened to the good old days when you could just tell a girl to jump up and down after sex and she wouldn't get pregnant?  Those were simpler times to be sure. 

Condoms are a great option, though not 100% effective, and after being married for half a decade wearing a condom again for the first time in years is like finding your favorite pair of ripped jeans hidden by your wife in a box in the basement.  Or your old, comfy Aerosmith tour shirt from when you were seventeen.  You worry about what it'll be like to put it on... will it still fit after all these years.... will it look awful with your more modern hairstyle... or maybe it's one of those cool retro things that has come back in style.  But maybe wearing condoms again is like seeing that favorite band today, twenty years later - they're older, a little out of breath, and still doing the same songs, tricks, and moves they were doing twenty years ago - and you end up just a little disappointed. Like you didn't get your full money's worth.  But let's be realistic, any Aerosmith concert is better than no concert at all.

Before somebody brings up the notion of abstinence as a means of birth control, let me just politely tell you to fuck off.  Let's see you eat three quarters of a bag of chips and not want to finish.

Anal sex is another option, but it's risky.  I'm not talking about the possibility of disease, but rather the probability of evolution.  Let's suppose every woman on the planet started insisting on anal sex, 100% of the time - eventually, over a span of a thousand years or so, the human body would evolve and change and we would start reproducing Bum-Babies instead of regular babies.  And no matter how cute and adorable that child might be, he or she will always smell just a little bit like a bumhole.


The whole problem of birth control could easily be solved if women would just encourage their men to put the almond explosion on their faces.  That would fix everything.  But for some strange reason they never consider it.

- ryan

Another Mother's Day

Another Mother's Day is upon us, a day in which we are supposed to dote upon the woman who gave birth to us, cooked for us, and raised us into the responsible adults we're supposed to be.  Flower shops all go in the black, restaurants have huge line ups from 8am to noon, and the producers of macaroni work double-time to keep up with the supply/demand problems from all the art that will be made by children.

My mother passed away in 2012, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

This isn't going to be one of those sappy, miss-my-mommy blogs.  We all know that's not my style. 

I do, however, find the humor in the odd places that I find myself thinking of my mother.  I can't go for a walk downtown without reminiscing about the donuts we'd get at Kreske's Department store or the hours on end she'd patiently wait for me while inside Cosmic Comics as I perused the 25 cent bins.

I can't hear Blind Melon's "No Rain" without thinking of mom.  I know, that's kind of odd, and given that my mother was a fairly conservative woman (this was the woman who asked my wife what a water bong was at the mall while looking at a display of them) if she'd known a bit more about Blind Melon she probably wouldn't have liked them at all.  But, my mom would watch the Coca-Cola Countdown with me Fridays on Much Music, and she thought the little girl in the bee costume was, "just really cute."  So she liked the song. This is also the same woman who thought the lyrics "Stayin' Alive" were, "ah-ah-ah-ah., staying the night, staying the night."  Beautiful.

I'm one of those guys who lets my computer screen saver shuffle through all the photos on my monitor, so sometimes when passing by I might see an old photo of mom and me on there from when I was a kid.  It can be a little odd too, considering the next photo in rotation could likely be Aerosmith, Superman, or even Lexi Belle, but I like the randomness of it all.

My mom made the best pancakes too.  Not too thick, not overly fluffy, and they were stacked in a circular motion.  They were the best.  I've tried and tried, and I just can't make them the same way.  I've gotten close, but I also don't want to crack that code because it gives me something to long for. 

I see a lot of my mom in my daughter Ryleigh.  Sometimes the faces she makes, especially when she smiles - an I mean really smiles - I can't help but see my mom there.

And now that I'm a parent myself, I understand so much more.  I understand how much more the little things must have meant to her, all the little things that growing up I took for granted - and I'm sure many of you did too.  I remember the day I cut off all my long hair, and how my first stop was to see mom and show her.  The look on her face was so excited, and at the time I thought, okay, she's happy I'm conforming to society again, but really I know she was just happy to see her little boy's face again.  Corny, right?  But if you have kids of your own you'll know what I mean.

My mom was pretty awesome.  She worked full-time as a telephone operator, made sure supper was ready by 5pm every day, kept the house and laundry clean, taught me morals and respect, and she even had a wicked rap song in the early 2000s.  My mom could do it all.

So, call your mom.  For no reason at all.  It would mean a lot to her.

- ryan

Top 11 Pink Things

It's never been a secret that my fav'rit color is, in fact, pink.  I've taken a lot of unnecessary heat for it over the years too.  Some people have even tried to tell me that my favorite color is actually "salmon".  Nope, pink is just fine with me.  I just dig pink, if you haven't already noticed.

So here are eleven awesome pink things.

11. p!nk
10. Lois Lane's undies in Superman: The Movie
9. Bubblegum
8. my Hanson t-shirt
7. Pink Floyd's "The Wall"
6. Pepto Bismol
5. a pair of pink Converse All-Stars
4. Aerosmith's "Pink"
3. A freshly washed and pressed vagina
2. Bret "Hitman" Hart's shades
1. Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger

Now, did we see anything pink in there?

- ryan of the ryan fan club

My Son Seems to Love Alice Cooper

A couple weeks ago, my son Grayson was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum.

Nothing really new for a two-month old child.  Sometimes when Grayson is crying I try to settle him down by singing or humming to him.  That's also nothing new; parents have been trying that old trick for centuries.

She asked me why the singer's name was Alice

Often times, I'll hum some classic movie themes - something from Star Wars or Superman.  Usually, if I hum the Princess Leia theme he chills right out and goes to sleep.  It's pretty soothing, I guess.  But this time, no such luck.  The power of the Force wasn't about to save me from the oncoming headache.

So I started singing, "Only Women Bleed" by Alice Cooper.  Granted, at the time I had been reading Alice's autobiography, "Golf Monster", and the song was fresh in my mind.  I've always been a big Alice Cooper fan, so I had no problem remembering the lyrics.  And let's face it - "Only Women Bleed" is a fucking killer song.  Give it a listen.  I can wait the five minutes or so.

"Only Women Bleed" didn't just calm Grayson down though... he started smiling.  Does my two-month old son like Alice Cooper?

So I tried something else... "No More Mr. Nice Guy"... big smiles!
"Under My Wheels"... smiling and laughing!
"I'm Eighteen"... smiling, laughter, and kinda sorta singing along.
"Poison"... all of the above.

Okay, by singing along, I mean he made lots of noise during the song. But, he wasn't crying!  So I like to thing he was singing along.

A few days later, instead of breaking out the Princess Leia theme, I went right into "School's Out", and the smiles, laughter, and noises came right back... but this time they were joined by Grayson's hands in the air, kind of not unlike a fist pump.

I'm so glad that both of my kids are developing a good taste in music at such a young age.
(Ryleigh also has a strict Aerosmith lullaby routine at bedtime and was quite upset when she thought her "Dream On" CD was broken...)

I guess he's just my billion dollar baby.

- ryan of the ryan fan club 

Cute or creepy?  My Lovely Wife nixed the 1st picture of Grayson in Alice paint I tried using, so we've got this one.

Love Songs - My Five Faves

As we get closer and closer to Valentine's Day, it's time to take a look at some great love songs.

#5 - Andrew W.K. - "I Love NYC"

#4 - Oscar The Grouch - "I Love Trash"

#3 - Huey Lewis & The News - "The Power of Love"

#2 - Bruce McCulloch - "I Love My Answering Machine"

#1 - Aerosmith - "Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)"

Bonus: Ryan Fan Club's "I Love Boobies (And You Should Too)"

 

- ryan of the ryan fan club

All I Want For Christmas...

...is just a little bit of thoughtfulness.

Long Live Ryan.

Where did the excitement go when it comes to Christmas presents?

Remember when you were a kid, and for some of you I'm sure it wasn't that long ago, there was always one present you opened on Christmas Day that was a big surprise?  I'm not talking about that one special item you put on top of your list to Santa (ie Uncle Jesse action figure) and you waited patiently for it until the 25th of December.

I'm talking about that one very thoughtful gift you never knew you wanted, but when you received it you couldn't possibly have ever lived without it before.

It seems we're all so concerned about filling someone's list.  Checking off items to appease each other and keep each other happy.  Or maybe because it's just easier that way.

Case in point - my dad visited me the other day while I was working.  I had casually mentioned to him the day before that I'd like to have Bob Saget's book, "Dirty Daddy".  This was our conversation:

"Hi son.  That book... what section of the bookstore is it in?"

"Comedy."

"Good good.  Do you know how much it is?"

"I dunno. Probably twenty-five bucks or so."

"Good... so listen, if Dana asks you what you want for Christmas... don't let her get you that book."

"B" is for thoughtfulness.

And so, just like that, I knew exactly what I'm getting for Christmas this year.

When I first moved out on my own, that first Christmas away, my parents wrapped up a box of pancake mix and a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup.  It was one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given and I still think about it today.  I didn't need fancy electronics or new jeans.  I need some goddam pancakes.

I actually spend too much time doing my Christmas shopping.  I rarely just grab something off the shelf just because it's the $9.99 price point and easy to wrap.  I said "rarely" because there is one person I have to shop for that every year I go out of my way to buy them the stupidest, most pointless thing I can find... but even that takes a bit of thoughtfulness.  Seriously, I put a lot of thought into buying something pointless (to me) and they end up loving it every year.

Even my wonderful wife is guilty of checking off items on a list.  She'll ask me what I want and then tell me I'm very difficult to shop for.  In all truth, I am the type of person who will just go and buy something if I want it.  I'm a very spur-of-the-moment consumer.  This is no joke, if there's a package of peanut butter cups by the cash register I'll buy it.  If there's something Aerosmith-related by the cash register and I don't already have it, I'll buy six of them.  If I already have it, I might just grab one in case my house gets broken in to  and that item is stolen before I can get home.

But I always tell my lovely wife how easy I am to shop for.  I'm a marketer's dream.  Just slap a Bruins "B" or the Aerosmith "A" or a Superman "S" on a cup, keychain, drum sticks, bottle opener, or nuclear warhead and I'll love it as a gift.  Now that I put that to writing, I might just be a sucker for things with a letter associated in their logo.
Note: I have a pair of Aerosmith drum sticks but I do not own a drum kit, nor do I know how to play that instrument.  I can see them from where I'm sitting in my Fan Cave, and though I know they have no use to me whatsoever I love them dearly.

I drawed this up real good.

I also like stars and the color pink.  A gift for me could be pink underwear.  Or underwear with stars as a pattern.  Or... now get this... pink underwear with stars on them!  Now that I've made those three suggestions, I kinda hope I don't end up with any of those as gifts - that would be just like checking it off a list of something I have almost predetermined myself to have. 

Also, it's a well known fact that I like to draw.  A gift for me could be a new sketchbook.  Or some pencils.  Or a beautiful naked woman that will live in my basement and act as a model for me whenever I feel like drawing.  She could live off a diet of spaghetti and water.  I'm sure she would like it.  And I'm pretty sure that isn't illegal if it's a gift.  I don't really know.

So, in closing, all I really want for Christmas is some thoughtfulness.  And an Uncle Jesse action figure.

- ryan

AutoRYography - Hallowe'en '98

1998 was a pivotal year for me.

That fall, after having just started my own fan club and not knowing what I had gotten myself into, was when I dressed up (or down really) in my most controversial Hallowe'en costume ever.  It resulted in me getting strange looks, curious half-smiles, stern talkings to, and a even a few fingers pointed in my face.

I painted my upper body half black with a zipper down the middle of my chest.  And I only wore pants because I didn't want to be arrested that night.

It was a bit of an odd reference and homage to Steven Tyler in Aerosmith's "Livin' On The Edge" video.  That video was already eight years old by this point, and was certainly not in anyone's mind but mine.

...there's something wrong with THIS GUY today...

Livin' On The Edge

By mid-98 I was a HUGE Aerosmith fan.  I secretly wanted to be just like Steven Tyler.  I grew my hair long, started wearing leopard print clothing and... well, okay I guess it wasn't that big of a secret.  This Hallowe'en costume may have been a step too far, but I digress - I still, to this day, think it was fucking awesome.

And really, you weren't me back then and never saw the looks on the peoples' faces.  That was worth it all.

My high school was on the other side of town, and I had to be bussed there.  Usually I'd get up around 6:30 am to get ready for school on a normal day.  I had to be up at 5:30 that morning to get this costume ready.  The painting part was pretty painstaking.  It took a long time to do, and I had to be careful not to rub against anything.

I had never painted my body before, and didn't even know what body paint was.  I was certainly no expert in this field.  I had purchased a dozen or so tubes of black face paint from the dollar store to make this transformation happen, and it took all of them to finish the paint job.  And really, there's no photos of my back, but it got pretty choppy looking towards my spine.

So then I got on the school bus, wearing a big black trench coat as I so often did back in those days.  My friends could tell that something was up.  Since I had applied the paint with my finger, I could really only make the zipper look so good.  Some people on the bus thought I was being crude or bold or even racist by being half black.

Wrestlemania VI

When I got into school and took my jacket off, a couple people thought my costume was "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in Wrestlemania VI.  This was, of course, 1998 and the WWF was at the height of its all-time popularity.  Oh well.  Mostly, the kids at school didn't know what to make of me that day.  Everyone kept their distance, obviously to not have any black paint rub off on them. But more and more I was greeted with comments about race, prejudice, and how cool it was that I was making a statement about how we were all the same on the inside.

When I would explain that I was dressed as Steven Tyler in "Livin' On The Edge" I'd just get blank stares from people.

"What do you think you're doing, walking around here with no shirt on," asked my first period English teacher.  She was a bitch by nature, overly preach about the ways of feminism, and didn't understand art even though she prided herself on being artistic.  I hated her so much I eventually dropped her class.  "This is my Hallowe'en costume," I replied as if to insinuate that she didn't realize that it was, in fact, October 31st.

"And why did you feel the need to come to my class like this today?"
"If it would make you feel better I'd be more than willing to leave."  So I spent the rest of first period in the Theater Complete room, rambling about nothing, and visiting the art classes down the hall.

That night was the high school dance and I didn't miss it for the world.  I was never one for going to these dances before.  I thought they were pretty hokey.  But I had a sweet costume that had everyone talking.  There was even a costume contest, which I didn't win but I'm glad to say the guys from my school dressed up as the Beastie Boys "Sabotage" video did.  Me and the other Theater Complete kids found ourselves wandering outside for a couple quick beers before calling it a night.

The famous naked photo of me came from that night too.  I had convinced some friends (who naturally don't want to be named and I don't friggin' blame them) to snap a quick picture of me totally nude and covering myself, just like the opening of the "Edge" video that I was mirroring.  That photo wound up in Ryan Fan Club Newsletter #3. 

L2R: Stephen (the first ever Ryan-Fan who signed up) ... me....  Brendon dressed as Hercules

When I got home that night, around midnight, I had to get that black shit off my body.  There was no way I was going to sleep with that on and have it wind up all over my sheets.   So I took a shower to scrub it off.  This was probably the longest shower I have ever had, and I've had some darn good shower sex of the years, and I used nearly an entire new bar of Ivory soap.  I learned something that night:

Hot water + black paint + white bath tub = grey bath tub.

Boy, did I get in a lot of shit from my parents the next day.  In all honesty, I had the water so hot in that shower and combined with the few beer I'd had and the cool October air on my mostly naked body... well, I puked up a storm before bed.  I refuse to blame the booze for that one.  You never blame the booze.

So, is there a legacy for this?  I'm sure the Ryanites and Ryanettes from those early days remember this well, and when I bring out the photo for new Ryan-Fans they give me those same looks I experienced in 1998.  I love it.

Oh, and "Livin' On The Edge" has become one of my all-time favorite Aerosmith songs.

But I don't try to dress like Steven Tyler anymore.

- ryan