Birth Control

I have two wonderful children whom I love dearly.

But that's plenty, thank you.

Recently there were some weirdo protestors in my area flashing pictures of dead baby fetuses to make a point about abortion.  Gross shit.  And really, nobody wants to see it.  There are better ways of getting your point across.  Some people say abortion is wrong and others say it's the woman's choice.  While I do believe it is the woman's final choice to have an abortion, my complex opinion really doesn't matter because I'm not the one with a baby growing inside me.

So I got to thinking about birth control. 

Since having our second child in December of last year, my wife has been on birth control.  There were so many options to choose from.  Choosing the best birth control method must be like picking out new curtains.  Choose wisely, because you'll be stuck with them for a while, and you don't want to see them every morning and regret your choice.

this looks more like the Popomatic Trouble game.

There's pills, needles, patches, a lightning rod that goes up the vagina, or the option of just cutting my penis off. 

Yeah, I kinda like my penis where it is.

Whatever happened to the good old days when you could just tell a girl to jump up and down after sex and she wouldn't get pregnant?  Those were simpler times to be sure. 

Condoms are a great option, though not 100% effective, and after being married for half a decade wearing a condom again for the first time in years is like finding your favorite pair of ripped jeans hidden by your wife in a box in the basement.  Or your old, comfy Aerosmith tour shirt from when you were seventeen.  You worry about what it'll be like to put it on... will it still fit after all these years.... will it look awful with your more modern hairstyle... or maybe it's one of those cool retro things that has come back in style.  But maybe wearing condoms again is like seeing that favorite band today, twenty years later - they're older, a little out of breath, and still doing the same songs, tricks, and moves they were doing twenty years ago - and you end up just a little disappointed. Like you didn't get your full money's worth.  But let's be realistic, any Aerosmith concert is better than no concert at all.

Before somebody brings up the notion of abstinence as a means of birth control, let me just politely tell you to fuck off.  Let's see you eat three quarters of a bag of chips and not want to finish.

Anal sex is another option, but it's risky.  I'm not talking about the possibility of disease, but rather the probability of evolution.  Let's suppose every woman on the planet started insisting on anal sex, 100% of the time - eventually, over a span of a thousand years or so, the human body would evolve and change and we would start reproducing Bum-Babies instead of regular babies.  And no matter how cute and adorable that child might be, he or she will always smell just a little bit like a bumhole.


The whole problem of birth control could easily be solved if women would just encourage their men to put the almond explosion on their faces.  That would fix everything.  But for some strange reason they never consider it.

- ryan