Top 11 Sequels?

I'm a firm believer that these days movies are all about the sequel.  At least when it comes to summer blockbusters and superhero shit.  The first movie sets up what we need to know so that we can get right into the action in the sequel.

There are plenty of films that never required a second installment.  But what if, for some reason, they had gotten one anyway?  Let's play God for a day, shall we?

11. What Else Is Eating Gilbert Grape?
Gilbert is back with a whole new set of problems and issues to deal with.  His brother, Arnie, is back too and has eaten an entire tub of radioactive goo.  Arnie, now a destructive goo monster, is hell-bent on helping his brother Gilbert solve his issues...by swallowing him and his problems!  This time, something really IS eating Gilbert Grape...

10. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Part 2
Picture it, Sicily, 2016... It's the sequel you never knew you wanted. Return to a life a solving crimes with Stallone's mom, but this time in full-on glorious 3D CGI... since Estelle Getty is no longer with us.

9. 2 Thelma 2 Louise
If you thought Thelma and Louise were on the run before, you ain't seen nothing yet.  Thelma and Louise have unknowingly gotten their hands on a rare Egyptian artifact and are in a race against time, and the law, to save all of existence from a robotic, alien, Brad Pitt-like thing.  Directed by Michael Bay.

8. Junior's Baby
The unusual comedy team of Arnold/Danny Devito are back!  This time they have to shrink themselves down to mini-size so they can enter into Junior's womb and stop him from getting pregnant by and army of vicious sperm before it's too late.

7. 8 Mile 2: Going The Extra Mile
If you didn't quite get enough of Eminem's more expensive rip off of Purple Rain, then don't worry - he's back and he's going the extra mile!  His mom's spaghetti is back too, and also going the extra mile! With guest appearances by 50 Cent, Wiz Kalifa, MC Hammer, and Niki Minaj, you'll be so wrapped up in the rap battles that you'll fail to notice this movie is just a more expensive rip off of Graffiti Bridge... assuming you ever bothered to watch Graffiti Bridge in the first place.

6. How To Lose A Guy In 11 Days
Like many romantic comedy sequels (I'm looking at you Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights) this film has nothing to do with the one you have grown to love, except that the title will try to bring you in and watch it.  This time around, though, there's a twist - Kate Hudson's character will be played by a dude who gets romantically involved with another dude on a bet from his buddies, and spends eleven days trying to get rid of him in hysterically over-the-top and just-offensive-enough ways, until he realizes that he has actually fallen for another man.

5. Return of the Son of Forrest Gump
This action epic, directed by James Cameron, needs no plot details.  You'll go see it based on the amazing title alone.  Rated NC-17.

4. Another League of Their Own
Sure, The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League was a fun story, highlighting a joyous time for women's rights during the war time.  But what about that other professional baseball league you might not know about because there was no movie made about it? We're talking, of course, about the one you heard about once on The Simpsons from Mr. Burns and thought he was senile - The Negro League.  Yup, it was a real thing and a movie all about it would be fantastic.

3. More Snakes on More Planes
If you don't want to see Samuel L. Jackson scream about them mother fucking snakes on the mother fucking plane one more time, then I'm sorry, because you don't have a soul.

2. Mr. Nanny Returns
Mr. Nanny has to come out of retirement one more time to stop more past-their-prime former WWF superstars from kidnapping rich kids.  Hogan clearly knows best in this sequel, as he spends more time in a tutu, and leg drops the kids to safety. Whatcha gonna do when Mr. Nanny cuts the crusts off your sandwiches for you????????

1. E.E.T.: The Extra-Extra Terrestrial
Elliot is all grown up now, and can't figure out why his finger keeps glowing. Suddenly, he transforms into The Extra-Extra Terrestrial and has to adjust to his new life as an ugly alien in a world full of fear, and people who won't share their Reese's Pieces.  But when the world is threatened by an army of Neo-Nazis (this IS a Spielberg movie, after all) the world will call on E.E.T. to save the planet and the world's supply of Reese's Pieces.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

Top 11 Music Movies

Today we take a look at eleven of the best music movies ever made.  I wanted to call it the best Rock n' Roll movies made, but then someone would have a hissy-fit about their being rap movies on the list too, even though rap music embodies the same spirit as rock n' roll.  These are all truly great films that you should check out.  Well, mostly.

Concert films will not be considered on this list.  So that's a "no" to all those great Hanson VHS tapes I see at the thrift stores.  Also, anything with The Beatles in it will not be allowed either, because I just don't like The Beatles.  I know what you're thinking, and when you have a website with your name and fan club in title you can write whatever list you want.  I won't stop you.

11. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Alright, I know I said no Beatles, but they aren't even in this movie.  Let's get something out of the way.  This movie sucks.  I mean, really, really sucks.  But the Aerosmith performance of "Come Together" is almost worth sitting through the first hour or so of shit to get to it.  Thankfully you can just YouTube that kind of stuff these days. I had to watch this crap on VHS in the late 90s.  Imagine sitting through this flick in the theaters in the 70s.  This will be the only piece of shit movie on this list that gets by with one redeeming quality.  I swear.

10. Rock N' Roll High School Forever
I'm not sure if this is a sequel to the Ramones movie or not, but it stars Corey Feldman, has a villain principal named Vader, and I found it in the 99-cent bin at Jumbo Video.  I've actually never seen the original Rock N' Roll High School, so I can't say if it's a sequel or not.  I can just assume that since this one has Corey Feldman in it that it must be at least 70 times better.  So Principal Vader tries to eliminate all elements of rock n' roll and fun from the high school, and that means Feldman's band, The Eradicators, won't be able to play at prom.  Son of a bitch!
This flick came out in the early 90s, so it falls into the time frame of stuff that was more or less leftover from the 80s.  Bonus points for that!

09. Spice World
I only saw this movie because I won two free passes to go see it.  So I got really drunk and took my roommate Joshua Lindsay Mercer Clements.  Within the first ten minutes or so we get to see Britney Spears in some revealing lingerie, and then she road trips with some friends to go and become a singing sensation somewhere.
Along the way, she hooks up with your typical hot/sensitive bad-boy type and after letting him hit her vagina one more time, she decides that she's not a girl and not yet a woman.  I guess she's just a slave for him and... wait, I'm not talking about Spice World at all, am I?  I always meant to see that movie.  One of the Kids In The Hall is in it, you know.

08. Rock Star
This one hits a little close to home.  You see, when Rock Star came out in 2001 I was at the apex of my Steven Tyler fandom. Yes, I used to have long hair, wear leopard print clothing, and pretty much try to be as cool as Steven Tyler.  The difference between me and Marky Mark in this movie?  He got to become the front man of his favorite band.  And he got to hook it up with Jennifer Aniston. And he go to drive Adam West's Batmobile.  And eventually he traveled to the Planet of the Apes.  Funny how things work out sometimes.


07. Straight Outta Compton
This one is still pretty new, but it's already better than most rock movies out there. Definitely better than anything that had the Beatles in it, anyway.  I won't spoil it for you because you should check it out, but I will rant about all the classic hip hop from my youth that's in it.  And just like, I totally dated myself. There was the big hoopla about how this movie was overlooked by the Oscars, and I thought, wouldn't it be funny if Ice Cube's son won an Oscar playing a man who made a bunch of movies that never would have won Oscars... it's kind of like a story inside of a story.  Would Ice Cube be pissed of proud? I don't know, that's why I ask you these things.

06. The Runaways
Kristen Stewart gets a lot of flack, and rightfully so, for those shitty ass Twilight movies. And Snow White and the Huntress kinda sucked too.  But I don't believe it was her fault entirely, because she's never been better or hotter than she is in The Runaways.  I guess there's just something about a bad-ass chick playing the guitar.  The Runaways is such an involving movie that I didn't realize General Zod was the band's manager until nearly the end of the movie.  Michael Shannon is the man.  And Dakota Fanning?  She spends most of the movie practically naked and drunk.  God bless rock n' roll.

05. The Wall
Have you ever gotten really fucked up and watched Pink Floyd's flick? Even if you're not fucked up, it'll fuck you up really good.  I got this album at a thrift shop for a dollar and listened to it on repeat for a week or two straight.  So I watched the movie.  Sober.  Completely sober.  I watched it with my good friend Peter, because he's probably the biggest Pink Floyd fan I know and I wanted his expert commentary to go along with it.  It's a great mix of acting and animation (and really great music).  And it's still one of the only albums I have to listen to start to finish.  I can't even just listen to the singles on their own.  To me, they have to be part of the whole story.

04. Still Crazy
I'm not actually going to say anything about this movie, and instead post the trailer for it so you can get excited to see it.  If you've never seen this movie, we can't be friends.

 

03. This Is Spinal Tap
It sure is. Don't make me just post another trailer to watch.  This movie is actually a big part of why I do Top 11 lists.  I used to do Top 10 lists until my good friend Chris suggested I make mine go to eleven, just like in Spinal Tap.  The amp that goes to eleven, the Stonehenge sequence, and the "Lick My Love Pump" bit are some of the most cherished moments in movie and music history, but for me, my favorite part is,
"You can't do that.  That's sexist."
"What's wrong with being sexy?"


02. La Bamba
The story of Ritchie Valens is a big part of why I got interested in rock n' roll.  I first saw this movie when I was only seven, and everything about it just spoke to me.  I got the Los Lobos soundtrack and learned all the words to the classic songs on the LP.  I guess, deep down, I just always wanted to be a star in the golden age of rock n' roll, find a pretty girl named Donna, have an alcoholic half-brother, and die in a plane crash.  Oh, sorry, spoiler alert - he dies in a plane crash at the end.
Sorry.

01. Purple Rain
Before we get into the number one, can I just get everyone to promise they'll never watch the sequel to Purple Rain called "Graffiti Bridge"? Thanks.
Now, let's go crazy.  If you've ever seen the movie 8 Mile, then you've seen a really glamoured up knock off of Purple Rain.  The story is pretty predictable. The acting is... well, I'm not actually sure there is any acting in this.  They're all kind of playing themselves.  But the music and the performances.  Mother fucker!  It's like getting spanked and wanting more.  And there's just something oddly compelling about watching Prince kiss Apollonia.  It's not so much kissing as it looks like he's trying to steal her essence through her mouth.  It's actually kind of uncomfortable to watch the first time.  I love this movie so much that I even sleep in a Purple Rain t-shirt.  I probably shouldn't have told you that.  Now you're going to have some nightmares.  Well, I guess that's what it sounds like when doves cry.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

The Ninja Turtles Soundtrack

So we recently re-watched the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.  My daughter has been on a huge Turtles kick lately.  I have good memories of seeing them all in the theater.  Yes, even part III.  I actually saw that flick in the theater.

The two sequels get a lot of flack for their cheesiness, but c'mon, they're movies about giant turtles doing karate and eating pizza.  How serious should it be?

But we're here today to talk about the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of the first film.  I'd forgotten just how much I loved that cassette tape until I watched the movie again recently.  Did you know that soundtrack came in four different colored cassette tapes?  It's true!  You had your pick of red, orange, blue, and purple to represent which Turtle was your favorite.

I got the orange one.  Michelangelo was my favorite when I was a kid.  I think all kids like him the best, because my daughter picked Mikey as her favorite too.  It wasn't until I was older, and smarter, that I decided Raphael was the best.

This was 1990, and vinyl records hadn't been done away with just quite yet, only to have a popularity resurgence twenty years later.  My mom wanted to get the record for me because it was a couple dollars cheaper.  Something similar also occurred the previous year when I really wanted Prince's Batman soundtrack. I was convinced that I would somehow scratch the record.  I even remember telling my mom, "But I'm just a stupid kid!  I'll probably scratch the record!  A tape will last forever!"

So I just had to have an orange Mikey cassette. I begged and begged until my mommy caved in. 

And then the fucking Sam The Record Man was all sold out of orange cassettes.

So we had to go to MusicWorld on the other side of the shopping center to get an orange Turtles cassette soundtrack.  I listened to it so much that the track listing wore off, but that didn't matter - I had the bloody thing memorized.  Other than MC Hammer, I don't think there's anybody performing on that soundtrack that you kids today might recognize by name.  The instrumental Ninja Turtles theme is pretty good, but I remember being disappointed that it wasn't the same as cartoon theme.

For me, the two songs I kept rewinding back to were "Spin That Wheel" and "T-U-R-T-L-E Power".

And for some reason there are music clips from the movie with Splinter's monologue over top.  Not really songs you can sing along with or dance to, but neat to have on the soundtrack.

Here, give the whole thing a listen:

Don't you just want to grab a pizza after all that?

I'm ashamed (no, I'm actually really proud) to admit that when the first movie ended the other night and the credits were rolling along with "T-U-R-T-L-E Power", I still knew all the words to the song and could rap along.  Cause nothing is as bad-ass as rapping about the Ninja Turtles.  Most rappers claim to be from the streets, but let me tell you - Turtle rappers are from the sewers!  Fuck The Foot Clan comin' straight from Dimension X...

I don't know what came over me there.

It's important to note the appearance of Ya Kid K on this album, and her apparent love for all things Turtles.  You probably have no idea who she is at first, but she's the vocalist on such early 90s hits as "Pump Up The Jam" and "Move This" for Technotronic.  C'mon, you know "Move This"... "shake that body....shake that body... baby lemme show you how to do this... you gotta move this... you're doing fi-yi-yiiiiine..."

She actually sings in all three of the Ninja Turtles movies.  Go figure.  I don't tell many people this, but I had Ya Kid K's cassette tape, "One World Nation", from the early 90s.  I think I might be the only person who ever bought it.  And it wasn't until the other day when I looked Ya Kid K up on Wikipedia that I found out she's a girl.  Kinda thought she was a boy back in the day.  A cute boy, but a boy nonetheless.  Hmm, that's a story for another day.

All in all, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie had a pretty cool soundtrack.

The less said about Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze the better.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan