The Star Wars Holiday Special

Holy Mediclorians!

If you had any doubt in your mind that this "lost" Star Wars story never really happened, I'm here to tell you that the nightmare is real.

Well, it's not that bad. Or is it? Sure, the acting is horrible. There's little to no action at all. And some of it just drags and drags. But that's the main problem with this two-hour, rarely seen Star Wars adventure. It's just too freakin' long.

Chewbacca and his family celebrate Life Day on their planet (which looks much more peaceful than it did in Revenge of the Sith) and his family are worried because Chewie is late. Remember, our favorite Wookie just helped Whiney-Face Skywalker blow up the Death Star, so that makes him a wanted walking carpet in the eyes of the Galactic Empire. There's a few guest appearances (including Jefferson Starship) that don't make any sense and serve no real merit to this show. So if you ever get a chance to watch it, just skip past the crap. And not once do we see Darth Vader in a Santa hat.

Not even a cameo by my favorite babe of all-time, Bea Arthur, can save this special. Han Solo finally shows up with Chewie, then Princess Leia breaks out into song, and everyone has a super-duper Life Day. Except for maybe Bea Arthur, because the Empire shut down her Mos Eisley bar.

If The Star Wars Holiday Special has any saving grace, it's the cartoon featuring the very first appearance of Boba Fett. The animation was pretty cool, and having the real voices of Luke, Han, and Leia was nice too.

If you're a fan of Star Wars or just bad movies, you should try and check out the infamous Holiday Special. I won't lie to you. It's damn awful. I wasted two hours of my life watching it. Do you know how much internet porn I could look at in two hours? Still, I think I'd rather sit thru The Holiday Special again than watch the first Ewok movie.  And I've now seen the Holiday Special eight times.  Yep, I have that kind of mental resilience.

- ryan

this year was Ryleigh's first time watching the Holiday Special, and she loved it.

 

Look Daddy! Transformers! Harry Potter!

Somewhere along the way of being an awesome dad, my little girl Ryleigh has gotten a bit confused.

For some strange reason, she seems to think characters from Star Wars are something else entirely.

The boy who lived.

This started a few months back when we were coming home from daycare.  We went into the living room and the TV had been left on. The Empire Strikes Back was showing in all it's glory on the Spike Network (because realistically they never show anything else).  The movie was about halfway through, right when Yoda is training Luke Skywalker.  We got into the living room, and Ryleigh was really excited to see the little, green Jedi master in widescreen.

"Look Daddy," she exclaimed.  "Harry Potter!"

I didn't think very much of it at all.  "Ha ha ha, silly kid."

Then, more and more, whenever we'd be somewhere and see a picture of Star Wars, or a Star Wars toy...

"Look Daddy, Transformers!" She shouted when she saw a poster of Darth Vader in the video store.

I have to remember that she's only three years old.  I mean, she seems to truly believe in her heart that Batman can fly.

She broke my Princess Leia.  I'm over it.

A few weeks ago I came home with a vintage Millennium Falcon toy.  She loved it.  And when I set it up in the Fan Cave she didn't want Han Solo flying it.  "No Daddy," she stated.  "Harry Potter and Transformer need to fly the space plane." And she proceeded to put Yoda and Darth Vader into the cockpit.  I wasn't fussy about it.  After all, I got to play with the Lando figure.  I was the coolest guy in the galaxy.

I suppose I should just be excited at all that she's even interested in watching Star Wars.  I mean, she now knows some of the characters - Harry Potter, Transformer, Bee-boo-Bee-2, Pony Fett, and Chewbroccoli - even if she's not 100% sure of their names.

And she pointed out that Transformer isn't a very nice daddy to Luke Skywalker.

I dunno, I grew up on Star Wars AND Transformers at the same time and look how I turned out.  I think she's going to be just fine.  And really, if Harry Potter were half as good as Yoda then he would've found those Horcruxes lickity-split.

-ryan

ps - for the record, she only watches the original trilogy because I'm a good parent.

Well... son of a bitch.

Our Trip To The Dork Side

"Talk backwards, I do."

...for a while now I'd been wanting to check out the Star Wars Identities exhibit at the Canadian Aviation and Space Museum.  Some friends of mine had gone and said they'd had a blast.  And I like Star Wars.  I was fucking raised on the Force.  When I'd first heard of Identities, I just thought it was a display of props and costumes from the movies.  I mean, let's face it, getting close to Leia's metal bikini is worth the $24 admission.  There's a reason they keep that thing behind glass.  Sure, all the items are behind glass, but this bikini is like the Holy Grail of geeks everywhere.

Then I found out you get to create your own Star Wars character while you're there.

Wait.  What?

Are you to tell me that I can create my own dude, give him a lightsaber and send him off to kill Jedi?  Or better yet, I can use my lightsaber to cut Jar Jar Binks in half?  Hell, I'd be happy to just choke the fuck out him, but a lightsaber is fine too.

So I packed the car up with my wife and our own little two-year old padawan and made the drive to the museum.  We must have been traveling at ludicrous speed because we did a 2.5 hour trip in just under two hours.  I guess our 2001 Intrepid can make point five past light speed.  Shit yeah.

As we pulled onto the 417 (pretty much the busiest highway in Ottawa) our beloved little padawan got speeder sick and started throwing up.  Yep, she projectile vomited midi-chlorians all over the back of the car.  In my haste, and using my Jedi reflexes, I caught some of the puke with my reusable Starbucks cups.  That cup promptly went in the garbage.  Oh well, it only costs a dollar to replace.

Some sweet stuff to see at the Star Wars Identities exhibit.

We pulled into a random church to clean up and change the kid's clothes into something less puke-ridden.  The minister was nice enough to throw my coffee cup out for me, and I was nice enough to let him know that it was full of toddler puke.  But not until it was in his hands.  Screw that, it's his now - he touched it last.  He both smiled and looked at me oddly at the same time, and then I contemplated trying to use the Jedi Mind trick on him... this cup is not full of puke, this cup is your cup... but I just didn't have the balls to pull that one off.  For the rest of the drive up, the car smelled like vomit and rancid apple juice.  Mmmm.

We pulled into the museum and learned pretty quickly that parking was paid for by some genuine company who was holding a BBQ there.  Wow, that was pretty cool.  It seems like there are good people in this world after all.  Maybe I'd have a change of heart and not turn to the dark side.  Then we learned that our tickets also got us free admission to the actual Aviation and Space Museum.  Jeez, talk about a great disturbance in the force!

Awesome sauce.

We entered the museum, got our wristband and earpiece and began our journey into the Star Wars universe.  They give you these wristbands that allow you to interact at specific areas to help create your Star Wars character.  It's pretty cool.  You pick your home planet, your occupation, how strong the force is with you, etc etc.  The earpiece was kind of stupid though, and I actually turned it off about ten minutes into the exhibit.  If I was learning some neat facts, like "this is how Darth Vader went from concept to costume" or "these sketches depict deleted scenes from Empire Strikes Back", then it would have been great but I don't need a lecture on how our physiology has morphed over the years.  Or a talking to about how our parents help shape our lives.

After ooo-ing and ahhh-ing at all the Original Trilogy artifacts, throwing in an "I am your father" reference to my daughter that she didn't understand (she's 2), and loudly telling the Jar Jar Binks display to go fuck itself, it was time to choose - would I be a hero or join the Emperor and the Dark Side of the Force?

It wasn't a hard decision.  My wristband went right to the dark side. I'm gonna kill me some Jedi.  My wife, on the other hand, had to really think it through.  And she chose the ways of the Jedi.

"...so you're not going to turn to the dark side with me, huh?"
"No... I want to be one of the good guys."
"Hold me.  You know this is bad, right?"
"Why?"
"I'm one of the Sith now.  I pretty much have to cut you in half with my lightsaber right here.  It's like my duty or something."
"You'd never do it."

My own wife of five years wouldn't join the dark side with me!  What the shit?  What the sith?

SHE'S BREAKING MY HEART!

Unable to get over this good side/bad side thing, we decided to check out the Aviation museum.  It's pretty cool if you like museums.  It's really cool if you like planes.  My wife got a little too excited about seeing some planes with Nazi swastikas on them though.  She spent about ten minutes taking pictures of one of the planes, trying different camera settings... she really wanted to get this photo just right.  I know she has some German heritage in her, but this was a side I'd never really seen before.  My worries dissipated when I remembered seeing her eat a bagel earlier in the week.

Ryleigh in goggles, the Nazi plane, Ryleigh has the power, Ryan in space, father-daughter plane time.

The Canadian Space museum is really nothing more than some big photos of people who went to space and a space toilet.  Our daughter, who also wouldn't join the dark side with me, sat on the space potty and yet the awful poo smell in the small room was coming from one of the old men who were walking around unsupervised.

So we grabbed some dinner and prayed to Yoda that there wouldn't be any more car sickness on the way home.

And there wasn't any more puking to be had.  Celebrate the looooooooooooooooooove!

- ryan

Review - Star Wars Infinities Omnibus

Today we take a look at a comic collection called Star Wars Infinities.  It's a neat idea that throws a "What If" into everyone's favorite trilogy.  What if Luke didn't blow up the Death Star?  What if Luke died on Hoth?  And what if Leia accidentally destroyed Jabba's palace?

"Hold me."

The Good:  These three stories are lots of fun to think about, especially if you were like me as a kid and actually used your classic Star Wars figures to create different stories that weren't in the movies.  I fondly remember the time Darth Vader teamed up with Cobra Commader, because those toys were the same size.  Anyway, much like the original Star Wars Trilogy, installments number one and two were excellent.  There's enough nostalgia and catch phrases thrown in there to make a little wookie happy.  The art is clean and pretty faithful to the actors in the flicks.

The Bad:  Well, they had the perfect opportunity to correct all of the mistakes made in Return Of The Jedi, and they squandered their chance.  I'm talking about Luke actually turning to the dark side like he should have, and those goddam Ewoks getting an arse full of lazer blasts.  That is all.

The Verdict:  It's easy to read, but only if you're a fan of the movies.  If you think your wife is gonna enjoy this stuff, be prepared to explain who Mon Mothma is.  I'm glad this was collected in paperback form, because, honestly, I wouldn't have bought the original issues when they came out.  Still, if you're excited for those new Star Wars movies coming, and you're also hungry for some nostalgia, and you want my personal guarantee that there's no Jar Jar Binks or "Noooooooo" in this story, then go ahead and check it out.

Vader's Little Princess (review)

Star Wars children's books are nothing new.  Those of us who grew up in the 80s definitely had a copy of The Ewoks Join The Fight, and chances are yours came with a record that read the story to you.  You knew it was time to turn the page when R2-D2 beeped like this.

Vader's Little Princess, by Jeffrey Brown, is a sequel to his very popular book Darth Vader And Son.  It's a series of single-page comic strips about what it would be like if Old Man Skywalker actually had to raise Princess Leia as a teenager.  So before the hardcore nerds get out of control about how none of this could have been possible, just remember we're dealing with characters who can talk to Wookies, so take it for what it is.

The Good - The parent in me definitely enjoys being able to share Darth Vader with my two year old.  Of course she doesn't get it, but she thinks it's really funny when I do the Vader breathing noise between pages.  And at my age, it's just nice to have anyone think I'm funny anymore.
The jokes are really clever, ranging from Leia's slave outfit (above) to a jab at Vader's "Nooooooooo" when he sees his daughter kissing Han Solo.  Perhaps the smartest giggles comes from the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Vader has the rebels sit down for dinner... except in this version, Leia has just brought Han home to meet daddy.  So instead of showing the boyfriend his shotgun like most dads, Vader takes his daughter's scoundrel to the Carbon Freezing Chamber.
The artwork is just perfect for this type of book too.  It's simple, expressive, and captures the spirits of the characters.

The Bad - Am I the only one who was expecting a tongue-in-cheek joke about Leia open-mouth kissing her brother?

The Verdict - Your kid, like mine, has no idea what's going on in this book. My daughter, who does enjoy looking at books about Superman and Batman, would still prefer to look at Bubble Guppies or Thomas.  That's not to say she'll never get this kind of humor, I'm just suggesting this book was really made for the parents and not the kids.  Those of us who have grown up and are trying to buy back are childhood can now drop $14.95 to try and include our own children in our memories.  It's smart marketing, really, and allows us to geek out and feel good about it for a change.

Top 11 Star Wars Spoofs

May the farce be with you?
I ain't gonna waste a lot of time with introductions on this one.  You know why you're here.  So, here they come!

Family Guy Trilogy

11. The Family Guy Trilogy
I'm not gonna say much about this one because it already gets a lot of publicity.  I personally don't enjoy the Family Guy TV show, but their Star Wars specials are goddam funny.  I do hope they make spoofs of the prequel trilogy too.  There's a lot to work with there.

10. Troops
One of the earliest funny videos on the internet, Troops was a parody of both Star Wars and COPS at the same time.  Fucking brilliant.


9. Thumb Wars
A re-imagining of A New Hope with thumbs for characters.  It was pretty darn clever at the time, but then they did a dozen other thumb flicks that weren't so good.

8. The Star Wars Holiday Special
You've heard about this one... it really does exist... I have a copy... it killed my old DVD player... and it was made by Lucasfilm.  I've included the Holiday Special on this list because George Lucas pretends like it doesn't exist, so it's almost like he allowed himself to be spoofed by himself.

Star Wars XXX

7. Robot Chicken
Same style as Family Guy, but 4 times funnier.

6. Buzz Lightyear vs Zurg
Not the best moment of Toy Story 2 but probably one of the most memorable.  It was so predictable, but nobody seemed to see it coming... *spoiler*... Zurg is Buzz's father!

5. Hot Shots Part Deux
Somewhere in the last fifteen minutes of this Charlie Sheen flick the President of the USA has an epic lightsaber battle with Sadam Hussein... and they even directly quote Vader and Kenobi.

4. Pirates of the Caribbean
The first couple Pirates flicks are just clear rip-offs of Star Wars.  A princess needs saving... a shy pretty boy is up to the task... he falls in cahoots with a pirate that all the girls like... the pretty boy's dad is really alive and hangs out with the bad guys... the pirate's fate is in question at the end of the second movie... it's all there... just look for it.

3. Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody
I'm not going to give away too much about this one, or how much I actually paid attention to it, but the acting IS better than anything in Episode 1... and the special effects weren't bad either.  And for the record, Han shoots first.

Muppet Babies

2. Spaceballs
Most consider it to be the ultimate Star Wars homage.  And to this day it's still all kinds of hilarious.  It was the first movie I ever taped off the movie network with my parent's VCR (kids, asks your parents what that was).  Rick Moranis gives his second-best performance ever in this movie (first being Ghostbusters), and the laughs just don't stop.

1. Muppet Babies
Remember that episode of Muppet Babies where they do Star Wars?  You should, because it was the greatest achievement in the history of western culture.
Goodnight!