Don't Wanna Kiss Your Thing

Back in Spring 1998, at the lustful age of seventeen, I was sitting in my Creative Arts class, working on a large drawing of all my Scourge characters. I had become absolutely obsessed with Aerosmith. It seemed like I couldn't have a conversation without bringing up one of their songs. Steven Tyler was my hero, and sometimes I'd refer to him as my "spiritual father".

We were listening to the radio in class when suddenly I could hear Tyler's signature voice. Could this be their new single from Nine Lives? I thought to myself. Nope, I'd listened to that album at least one hundred times and told my friend's Rebekah and Laura everything about the album at least two hundred times. I would've recognized a song sooner. I had all their albums, so the only logical explanation was that this song was something completely new.

I waited by the radio until I got the chance to hear it again and tape it off the radio.

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing is a beautiful song. The lyrics, the melody... I really thought Steven had outdone himself with this one. Then, as it gained more airplay, the CD became available. The Armageddon Soundtrack which had enough Aerosmith songs to pretty much be an Aerosmith album, was pretty solid as far as soundtracks go.

Pretty soon though, "IDWTMAT" started getting lots of backlash. But why? Aerosmith had done love songs before and they were huge hits. People loved Angel, Crazy, and the best of them all, What It Takes. Were people just sick and tired of the formulaic "Aerosmith Ballad"?

Then the news broke: Oh my God, this song wasn't written by the Tyler/Perry songwriting combo. No, the Toxic Twins had nothing to do with it. IDWTMAT was written by Dianne Warren. And she was best known for Celine Dion songs. Celine Fucking Dion.

Before you knew it, a country singer also recorded the song and people were saying things like "Did you hear Aerosmith's remake of that country song?" Suddenly people were referring to the band as sell-outs, calling them Aero Supply, and making it hard for anyone to be an Aerosmith fan. Even Steven Tyler himself has referred to the song as I Don't Want To Kiss Your Thing. Is this the song that made Aerosmith so jaded? Yes, that pun was intentional. You might even say that IDWTMAT was "Hey, Over-Play-ded". Okay, that wasn't quite as funny.

So where does the song stand all these years later? Some people really hate it. And I mean absolutely loathe it. But when you think of how many married couples had their first dance to this song, and how many children were probably conceived to this song, it kinda lightens it all up a bit. Call me a softy, but I don't really mind this song at all. Mind you, being the obsessed Aerosmith fan that I am, I do have a harder rock mix of it, and that's the one I tend to listen to.

It's also a different song when listened to from different perspectives.  Mostly these days when I hear this song it's because I'm singing it to my daughter as one of her lullabies.   Don't get me wrong, she loves "Dream On", and her favorite Aerosmith song is "Livin' On The Edge", but when it's lullaby time, she really wants to hear  that song from the movie about the asteroid.

I guess it all comes down to personal taste. I mean, there will always be crappy music that is popular while some real artists are over-looked. Even Aerosmith themselves are victims of it. While their popular songs like IDWTMAT, Crazy, Jaded, Cryin', and Pink flourished on the radio, some of their real gems of the same time period like Eat The Rich, Beyond Beautiful, Taste Of India, and Hangman Jury are barely recognizable to the public. I'm not going to pass down a judgement that is set in stone, but I will say if you like the song, good for you. If you don't, and you don't mind missing a thing, then that's no problem either.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Love Songs - My Five Faves

As we get closer and closer to Valentine's Day, it's time to take a look at some great love songs.

#5 - Andrew W.K. - "I Love NYC"

#4 - Oscar The Grouch - "I Love Trash"

#3 - Huey Lewis & The News - "The Power of Love"

#2 - Bruce McCulloch - "I Love My Answering Machine"

#1 - Aerosmith - "Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)"

Bonus: Ryan Fan Club's "I Love Boobies (And You Should Too)"

 

- ryan of the ryan fan club

The Best of 2014

The year is almost over, and thus it is time once again for my picks as the best of the last twelve months.  I think it's important to note that anybody's "top" list is always just an opinion of personal taste, so if you don't agree with my selections that's just too bad.

Here we go!

Mahhhkey Mahhhhhk!

Movies
I'd say that 2014 was a darn good year for movies.  Sure there was some awful shit from Michael Bay, but we're all accustomed to just avoiding those flicks by now.  As usual, my picks aren't going to win the Oscar for Best Picture, but they certainly entertained me.
1. Dawn of The Planet of The Apes
2. Muppets Most Wanted
3. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For
4. The Expendables 3
5. The Lego Movie
*special honorable mention to Personal Space Invader


Songs

I never liked Bruno Mars until this.

2014 will go down as the greatest year of shitty pop music.  There was so much typical garbage on the radio that I just couldn't avoid, and also didn't want to.  Hell, I even caught myself singing along to "Let It Go" with my daughter.
1. Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson
2. Say Fuck It - Buckcherry
3. You Really Got A Hold On Me - Smokey Robinson & Steven Tyler
4. Breakfast Can Wait - Prince
5. Word Crimes - "Weird Al" Yankovic

Puddin'

Comics (I refuse to call these things "graphic novels") 
DC Comics leads the way in 2014, with Harley Quinn by Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner.  Seriously, it's the most consistent fun in comics right now, and it even warranted a whole blog from me about it. 
1. Harley Quinn (inc. all the specials and annuals)
2. He-Man & The Masters of The Universe
3. Alice Cooper
4. Aw Yeah Comics
5. Adventures of Superman

Brucio.

Books (yeah, I read more than just comics...)
This was the hardest list for me to compile because, while I do read a lot of books - mostly autobiographies - it's pretty rare that I buy them when they're brand new releases.  I usually wait for them to go on clearance price or show up in the second hand shops for $4.  With that said, there were a few books I couldn't wait to read this year.
1.Let's Start A Riot - Bruce McCulloch
2. Dirty Daddy - Bob Saget
3. Rocks - Joe Perry
4. Jim Henson; The Biography - Brian Jay Jones
5. Frozen: Olaf's "A Day In The Sun" sticker book

Mmmmmmmmmmm

Babes
Well, it looks as though I've finally taken Miss Lexi Belle off the top of my babes list.  Really though, it's probably because I don't want you - my loyal fans - to think that I'm a hyper-perv.  Okay, we all know Lexi will always be #1 in my heart of babes, but let's let Paige have her turn on top for a while.
1. Paige (WWF Diva)
2. Lexi Belle
3. Taylor Swift
4. Jessica Alba
5. Molly Quinn

Nick Miller is the man.

TV Shows
I think it's important to note that I didn't actually start getting into New Girl until this past summer.  It's that darn good.
1. New Girl
2. Gotham
3. Tosh.0
4. The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
5. Storage Wars

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Top 11 Rejected Baby Names

...so the cat's outta the bag, and yes, I am going to be a father again.

Much like the last time around, though, I'm having a hard time getting my lovely wifey to agree on baby names.  The name you give a child is important.  It absolutely can't rhyme with anything to allow them to be made fun of at school.  You don't want your kid being called "Fat Matt", "Whorey Corey", or "Punjabi Abbie".  You need a good strong name that declares independence and courage. 

So here are two Top 11 lists.  One is Rejected Boy Names and the other is Rejected Girl Names.

Under each name  you'll see my wife's reasoning for rejecting that name.

Top 11 Rejected Boy Names

Bret The Hitman

11. Bret "The Hitman" Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Bret The Hitman..."
10. Axl Ryan Ewing
"I don't want our kid getting beat up.  I'm not naming him Axl..."
9. Lando Ryan Ewing
"I'm not naming our child Lando..."
8. Joe Fucking Perry Ewing
"No."
7. Skeletor Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Skeletor."
6. Prince Shezahd Ewing
"..... do I even need to give you an answer?"
5. Bret "The Hitman" Ewing
"Just.  Stop.  Trying.  We are NOT naming this child Bret 'The Hitman', even if he'll be best there ever will be."
4. Stallone Rocky Rambo Over-the-top Sly Ewing 
"I think I want a divorce.  I'll raise this child on my own."
3. Kalvin Elliot Ewing
"...hey... I kinda like Calvin... but wait... are you trying to secretly name this kid Kal-El...?" 
2. Tuukka Ryan Ewing
"We are absolutely not naming our child Tuukka.  It's too hard to spell..." 
1. Optimus Prime Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Optimus Prime.  No, Ryan, it's NOT a strong name for a boy."

Top 11 Rejected Girl Names

Amanda Ultimate Warrior

11. Amanda Ultimate Warrior Ewing
"Why am I having your child again?"
10. Zdana Chara Ewing
"...only if she comes out at almost seven feet tall."
9. Lillian Murphy Ewing
"Lillian is nice... but why Murphy?"
8. Skeletina Ewing
"No. No.  And more no."
7. Bambi Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name."
6. Scarlett Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name too."
5. Anastasia Ewing
"Stripper name!"
4. Destiny Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!"
3. Lexi Ewing
"Do you want to be the one who explains that we named our child after your favorite porn star?"
2. Angel Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!!!!"
1. Chastity Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!!!!!"

So as you can see, I have some great baby names already suggested.  Who knows what else we might come up with during this pregnancy. 

- Ryan

Aerosmith - Music From Another Dimension! (review)

Aerosmith are back with their first album of all-new material since 2001's Just Push Play.  There are many reasons as to what the hell took them forever to do this, but the long story short is that Aerosmith never really gets anything finished when they say they will.  Still, I've been looking forward to this album since the first single dropped last Spring.  So let's take a look at Music From Another Dimension!

Music From Another Dimension!... in my man-cave.

The Good: There's some really cool rock songs on this album.  In fact, MFAD seems to span the band's entire career.  You've got fist-pumping rockers like "Luv XXX" and "Legendary Child".  You've got the radio-friendly ballads like, "What Could Have Been Love" and "We All Fall Down".  There's the experimental, what-the-hell style on "Beautiful", and there's also the straight-forward "Oh Yeah" - a song that reminds me of their first album in many ways.
Speaking of the 1970s, if you're that person who always says, "Aerosmith sucks and hasn't done anything good since the 70s", then you'll like the blistering "Street Jesus".  Trust me.
For me, the standout track has been "Out Go The Lights", which used to be an outtake called "Guilty Kilt".  I've been listening to that outtake for about 15 years now and always wondered why it was never finished into a song.  Now that it is, Out Go The Lights really does capture the feel of the band.
Pretty much encapsulates the band's entire career, right?  Oh, what about a cross-genre collaboration like they did with Run DMC.  Yep, that's on here too - in the name of Carrie Underwood.  I've got no problem with Aerosmith doing a little country. They've always had a little touch of country in them here and there.  And since today's country music is really just classic rock, it makes too much sense.  When the song, "Can't Stop Lovin' You", hits radio it will no doubt be a sing-along hit that could result in Steven Tyler nailing as many twenty-somethings as he'd like.  Makes you wonder why every guy on the planet doesn't go country.
Music From Another Dimension really succeeds in its sound though.  The guys in Aerosmith are actually playing in the same room together this time.  They recorded this as a band.  And for the first time in twenty-five years or so, everyone on the roster has a writing credit somewhere.  When Tyler sings the ballads, you can feel the pain in the lyrics ("Another Last Goodbye" might just make you tear up a bit).  We haven't felt that from Tyler in a long time, as he seemed too focussed on making a hit before.

The Bad:  The album does run a little long and could've been cut down to ten songs, or separated as two albums.  There are five bonus songs kicking around on various deluxe editions, so we could have had two ten-track albums.  Music From Another Dimension really doesn't hit a drag until "Freedom Fighter", with vocals by Joe Fuckin' Perry.  This song about Invisible Children in Africa shows us why there aren't many politically charged anthems on Aerosmith records.  Even background vocals from Johnny Depp can't save this song.  Perry pretty much kills the record again with "Something" a mere two tracks later, which is a real shame because better lyrics and vocals by Tyler would've made that one a really cool old style rock song.  The guitars are nice n' dirty on it. There's usually a Perry-vocal song on the albums that gets skipped over so having two (3 if you count bonus tracks) is just overkill.
I mentioned the five bonus songs, and a couple of them could have easily replaced the Perry tunes to strenghten the album up.  But then again, as we've mentioned before, this album seems to represent the band's entire career, and Joe Perry did have two solo eras of his career, so maybe that's what they're trying to say here? 
I think the album title is a little silly, and might have been better if it was just called "Another Dimension".

The Verdict: If you're looking for the next "Rocks" or "Toys In The Attic", this isn't it.  And really, that's not possible to get anymore from Aerosmith.  The band grew up and changed tastes.  They aren't nearly as pissed off about everything as they were back in those days.  But Music From Another Dimension is definitely worth picking up.  If you've ever liked Aerosmith then there's something for you on this album.  You can hear their Beatles influence all over the place.  And shell out the extra three dollars for the deluxe edition.  You get those bonus songs, 2 of 3 are really good, and a DVD with live footage and interviews. 
Music From Another Dimension is Aerosmith's last album under contract with Sony.  So it might be their last album, for all we know. I don't see the band ever stopping, but with today's multi-distribution paths, I wouldn't be surprized if they started releasing online singles and EPs on their own terms.  At least that way we wouldn't have to wait eleven years for new Aerosmith music.

Guns N' Aero - The Greatest Super Group EVER!

I was chatting with my buddy Nick Dewolfe the other day about the usual things... rock n' roll, coffee, beautiful ladies we'd love to love... and we pondered what it would be like if Aerosmith and Guns N' Roses did more than tour together...

Imagine, if you will, a parallel universe.
One in which Steven Tyler never saw Joe Perry making french fries and formed Aerosmith.
Where L.A. Guns and Hollywood Rose didn't combine forces to rule the late 80s and early 90s.
An alternate reality with the greatest super-group ever - Guns N' Aero!

And this is what their set list would look like:

1. Nightrain Kept A-Rollin'

2. So F.I.N.E.*

3. Sweet Last Child O' Mine

4. Back Off Bitch's Brew

5. Garden Of Adam's Apple

6. Kings And Rocket Queens

7. Let The Music Do The Knockin' On Heaven's Door

8. Movin' Out To The City

9. Get A Grip In The Ring

ENCORE!

10. Mama Kin

11. Lovin' My Michellevator

12. Chip Away At The Mr. Brownstone

Realistically, this band would do more drugs than possibly exist, start the show four hours late (if at all), and pretty much rule the world.

- Ryan

p.s. - if you can think of any other awesome song title mash-ups for these two, post 'em below.



Top 11 2nd Generation Aerosmith Songs You Probably Don't Know

Last night I was watching Storage Wars, and Barry took some guitars he accquired to Brad Whitford of Aerosmith.  Being a HUGE Aerosmith fan, this got me excited about their new album coming out next Spring.

Permanent Vacation
1987

You see, Aerosmith sorta left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths back in 1998 with that I Don't Wanna Kiss Your Thing song.

Now, I won't say I hate that song - but I've never been a fan of the backlash the band took because of it.  Most of the criticism suggested Aerosmith didn't know how to rock anymore.  So today I'm picking 11 of their most rockin' songs from 1987-2001 that you probably don't know because they were never big ballad hits like Crazy, Cryin', and Angel were.  Enjoy.

11. What Kind Of Love Are You On? (1998)
This tune was also featured on the Armageddon soundtrack, along with I Don't Want To Miss A Thing.  Originally written for the Nine Lives album, you may have actually heard this one on the radio a few times during the summer of '98 while the band was riding the wave of their first and only #1 hit single.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

10. Fever (1993)
Some of the best 2nd Generation Aerosmith songs were about their reflecting on their years of drug use.  It's a pumping rock song with a twangy feel to it, and some great lyrics.  The funny part is, this song was later covered by Garth Brooks, who changed the lyrics a bit (or a lot, depending on who you ask). 
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

Pump
1989

9. Won't Let You Down (2001)
This song was the B-Side to Jaded, from the album Just Push Play... and I've often wondered why it never made the album while songs like Trip Hoppin' did.  I guess you'll have to listen for yourself.  It also features Steven Tyler's first use of the lyric, "If You See Kay...".
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

8. The Farm (1997)
Probably the most bizarre Aerosmith song of their second generation, The Farm includes samples from the Wizard of OZ.  Again, more reflection on drug use here.  Nine Lives was a pretty solid album.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

7. Beyond Beautiful (2001)
You may recognize this one if you avidly played the Guitar Hero: Aerosmith game.  It was one of four or five 2nd generation Aerosmith songs to make it into the game, which relied heavily on stuff from the 70s.  This was the opening track to the Just Push Play LP, and it made me believe on first listening that album would rock.  It didn't, but at least the first song did.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

Get A Grip
1993

6. Flesh (1993)
I think when people listened to Get A Grip back in '93 and '94 this song was often skipped because of the long intro.  But once it kicks in, it rocks - and it has one of my favorite Aero-lyrics ever: "The prince of lust hast met his match/ the witch has brewed her baddest batch/ his sword is sharp and hard as stone/ her cauldron begs for one more bone."  Really, it's not surprizing this little ditty got lost on an album that featured the Alicia Silverstone Trilogy of videos.  Give this one a serious listen soon.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

5. Hangman Jury (1987)
Whoa boy, dontcha line the track-a-lacka!  It's the song that got me interested in playing harmonica.  It's the song that the cool kids from the 70's liked too.  It's the song that gets everyone excited when played live.  And back in the day of records and tapes, it's the coolest Side B opening track ever.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

4. Monkey On My Back (1989)
Yes, another track reminiscing about drug use... but Joe Perry's slide guitar has never been better than it is here.  The drums kick ass, and there's even an F-Bomb dropped in it.  The Pump album was a monster LP of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.  It spawned four hit singles, but the other six tracks were just as good... a couple of them were even better.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

Nine Lives
1997

3. Attitude Adjustment (1997)
I always thought this song should've been released as a single. 
Nine Lives was a killer classic rock album.  If there was any downside to it, it's that there was just one too many ballads on it.  The beginning of this song is actually a sped-up rewind of the song.  Pretty neat, eh?  The riff is a hook, and the lyrics are easy to identify with.  It doesn't seem to be about drug use either.  Once again, Steven drops an F-Bomb, with the clever "excusé-fuckin-moi".  Maybe that's why it never went to radio.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

2. F.I.N.E.* (1989)
This song IS Aerosmith.  I can't think of any song from any album that better defines what this band is all about: loud guitars, dirty sex lyrics dsiguised as double-entendres, thumping drums, lyrics about lady parts, big fat-ass bass, and lyrics about doin' the dirty.  I've already mentioned how great the Pump album was... it's a contender with Rocks for Best Aero-Album Ever.  F.I.N.E.* is the song your mom didn't want you to listen to.  It makes you wanna get a leather jacket, and a cool car, then buy a box of condoms only to throw them away before gettin' it on with your date... who's name you don't even know.  It's just rock n' roll.
Oh, and F.I.N.E. stands for Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. 
Awesome.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

Just Push Play
2001

1. Head First (1993)
If F.I.N.E.* is the quintessential Aerosmith song, then what the hell could possibly top it on this list?  Head First, the B-Side to "Eat The Rich", is the perfect example of the Aerosmith groove.  It's a hard rock song that you can get up and move to - which, if you read the liner notes of the very first Aerosmith record from 1973, is what the band is all about.  And since this list is about songs you probably don't know, I bet you probably also didn't know that Head First was the first song to be offered for download via the internet all the way back in 1994.  Yup, you could download it for free off the Aerosmith website.  True, it was a .wav file that took about thirteen hours to download on those dial-up modems, but the greatness of the song was probably worth the wait.  The track showed up on the Young Lust and Gold compilations, which are pretty easy to find these days.  It certainly won't take you thirteen hours of looking online for it.
Click here to listen to the song on YouTube

And that's the list!  I hope you all enjoyed listening to some of my favorite Aerosmith songs with me today.  If I've left off a song that you think just rocks your socks off (and you're probably right - most of them do) then put a link to it in the comments below.  I never get tired of talking about my favorite band with my fans.