Super Mother Fu**ing Nintendo

Now we're playing with power. Super power!

Back in 1990 it seemed like the world couldn't get any better. We'd just experienced a Batman movie, the Gulf War was yet to happen, and all five members of Aerosmith had been clean and sober for a couple years. Oh, and there was this little gray box called Nintendo. Nope, life couldn't get much sweeter than that.

But then came the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES). From the first glance, it just HAD to be better. I mean, fuck, it had two more buttons on the front called "X" and "Y". Maybe this meant that Mario could do different kinds of jumps, or throw something other than fire. The possibilities seemed endless.

My first experience with the SNES came at a family get together in Napanee Ontario (home of Miss Avril Lavigne and the Napanee Beaver). My cousin Wayne brought his Super Nintendo and introduced me to a game called NHLPA '93. Up until that point my only hockey game experience really was Blades of Steel. But holy shit, in NHLPA '93 you could play as real teams with real NHL players! You could skate as Mike Gartner or Al Iafrate! Sure, most people wanted to be Lemieux or Gretzky, but I was happy to have Ron Hextal in net. Later that day I started playing Super Mario World and Starfox. I was hooked.

When I returned home, I tried playing Blade of Steel again. It just wasn't the same anymore. I tried doing my own commentary for the game, but I lost track of which of my players was Mike Gartner pretty fast. Pretty soon I was begging my parents for a Super Nintendo. At first it was a hard sell. Both parents insisted that the regular Nintendo was just fine. We all did our best to pretend that blinking thing it did was just part of the fun of the game. But since my mom likes Mario and my dad likes Tetris, I eventually convinced them we needed super power.


I consider the Super Nintendo to be the greatest video game system ever made. Sure, the graphics are dated now, but they were pretty good for 16-bit at the time. What made this system so special was the play value of the games. Sure, from time to time you'd still get a dud game like Batman Forever or Mega Robot Golf, but the great definitely outweighed the bad.

Nintendo was smart too. They knew how popular the original Mario games were, so they re-packaged them together on one cartridge with the long-lost (and super-difficult) original version of Super Mario 2. They made a new Zelda adventure that knocked the socks off the original. They helped bring Mortal Kombat to our blood-thirsty attention... even though the SNES version didn't have any blood in it. All in all, they totally one-upped their classic NES with the Super Nintendo.

Even the smallest detail of loading the games in the top of the machine to avoid that horrible blinking was pure genius.

The only real competition at the time was the Sega Genesis, a system similar to the SNES but a little more risque with their games. The Genesis had no problem showing blood and guts in Mortal Kombat. This video game war divided friendships in the schoolyards. You either liked Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis. It was like being in the middle of a huge war over race and religion.  Or kinda like WWF versus WCW. Eventually the SNES outlasted Sega's baby, much to no surprize.

So let's all tip our hats to the Super Nintendo. It didn't set the stage for where video games are now, but it definitely pointed the evolution in the right track.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Deep Down, Everyone's A Leafs Fan

Who knew Skeletor was a fan!

There, I said it.
Now before you get all up in arms about this, hear me out: Let's not forget that I'm proudly wearing my Cam Neely Bruins sweater as I write this blog. But really, deep down we're all Leafs fans in one way or another.

Let me explain.

You see, there are three types of people in this world, which we are about to explore:

Die-Hard Leafs Fans
We all know someone like this. They're a Leafs fan. They're dad was a Leafs fan. His dad was a Leafs fan too. It's hereditary.

These are the people you see in your neighborhood that wake up, get in their car and drive to Tim Horton's to pick up a couple double-doubles or triple-triples and bring them back home instead of just making their own coffee. These people really exist. They need an entire garbage bag each week just for their Timmie's cups. Surely you've seen the "TML" flag blowing in the wind on the radial of their car. They might even sport an homage mustache to Wendel Clark.  Okay, that last one would even impress me.  Wendel Clark kicked some ass back in his day.  The 'stache.

Oh yes, the Wendel mustache turns their wives on in ways that vibrators just can't do.
These are the fans that will shout at bars after the first game of the season. You'll hear, "Dynasty! Dynasty!" And it'll be after edging out the last-place Columbus Blue Jackets in overtime. (Note: This blog will NEVER become dated so long as the BJs aren't willing to get their shit together)

These fans also have the number "67" tattooed on their arms, or incorporated into their license plate somehow... "LEEFS67"... to represent the last time Toronto actually won a Stanley Cup. It's not wise to mention to these particular Leafs fans that the last time Toronto won that Cup though, television was still only in black and white. Some of them might believe there's some color on the cup, and it's not just different shades of grey.

Casual Leafs Fans

Me in '95 or '96

Yeah, that was me on the right. I was the prime example of a "Casual Leafs Fan" in the early 90s.

You see, every so often Toronto actually puts a team together worthy of some excitement. And if they can't, they just change their coach or their logo or get a new mascot.  One of those is bound to bring in a cup.

In 1992-93 the Maple Leafs made one of the largest trades in NHL history with the Calgary Flames. In doing so, they acquired Doug Gilmour who really added some depth and grit to the team. All of a sudden, they were winning games, and people weren't so ashamed to cheer for Toronto anymore. I was also an impressionable youth of twelve years old, and I caught this "blue n' white fever" too.  I had previously been cheering for the LA Kings and had a sweet Gretzky jersey.  The kids at school asked if I were a B-Boy, but I didn't know what that was at the time.

That year, the Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup. And I truly believe that WAS Toronto's year. There's lots of controversy about the Leafs/Kings semi-final series that I'm not going to get into here. I just don't care that much anymore.

Sure, I continued to cheer for the Leafs for another few years, but once the team became all about Mats Sundin and Owen Nolan, I totally jumped ship. And this is common of most "casual" Leafs fans. Once they realize that Toronto isn't doing anything to try and actually make the team better, they just lose interest altogether. The lifespan of a casual Leafs fan is somewhere between four and five years.

The Toronto Make-Me-Laughs
The last type of Leafs fan is everyone else. See, you don't have to actually like The Maple Leafs to be a Leafs Fan. Hockey fans who don't cheer for Toronto LOVE to see them lose. And this, in a way, is sort of being a fan. We're fans of watching them lose. And we're fans of listening to those "Die-Hards" go on about how unstoppable the Leafs are while they suck back on their Timmie's.

"The Leafs are the best!"
"Uh... why?"
"Because they're the Leafs!"
"Umm... I don't really see how --"
"Go Leafs go!"

Go where? That saying, "Go Leafs Go", has got to be the stupidest phrase ever uttered by anyone. Not only is it just bad English, which can be expected after your third or fourth double-double of the morning, but it doesn't really mean anything. Fans do it for other teams too and I don't know why.

So as you can see, one way or another, we're all fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. You can go ahead and kill yourself now.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Obligatory Blue Jays Blog

It seems like everyone around has Blue Jays fever right now.

I think those die-hard Jays fans who have been around for years really deserve to see Toronto win another World Series.  I'm a Red Sox fan, but I can recognize that the Jays have been working on building this team for a few years now. And I do like seeing hard work pay off.

To be honest, I don't really care who wins the World Series.

I live in Canada and don't even cheer for a Canadian hockey team, so the likelihood of me being a Jays fan is pretty small.  But I do remember the excitement of Joe Carter, Roberto Alomar, Todd Stottle... Stoddle... Stodtel...Oscarmayer, and Cito Gaston from '92 and '93.  I even had a World Series champs shirt.

my 1992 baseball card.

Those were the days.

I mean, I guess they were.  I don't remember them all that well anymore.  As a kid I liked the Expos too, mostly because they had Youppi as their mascot.  I met him in the summer of '92 when I went with my dad to an Expos game.  Youppi didn't have time to talk though because his very attractive assistant told me that, "Monsieur Youppi aas ay teyleyfonn cahl."

Wow, the French-Canadian accent is a hard one to type out.

Anyway, back to the Blue Jays.

In 1999 I went to a Jays game with my buddy and pseudo-brother Brian.  We sort of went on a lark and had a great time.  Mostly because Tony Fernandez was there.  Tony Fernandez is the all-time greatest baseball player in the history of sports.  He was so good at baseball, and at being Tony Fernandez, that he could have excelled at anything he put his mind to.

God.

But enough about Tony Fernandez, let's talk about Kelly Gruber.  When I was ten years old I had a life-sized Kelly Gruber poster that hung in my basement.  Me and all my friends, because we were a bunch of ass-hats, called him Kelly Booger and used the poster as a dart board.  One of my friends took a dart and dug out a hole in Gruber's crotch.  It was big enough to put your fingers in and totally ruined the drywall in the basement.  Come to think of it, looking back on that poster... having a huge hole in Gruber's crotch was really weird.  I can only hope that none of my friends had any weird ideas of what to do with that poster when I would go to the bathroom.

So these days I'm seeing a lot of "Go Jays Go" around town, and part of me wants to assume it's because the Maple Leafs fans are so sick of seeing their team suck at anything NHL related that they'll become baseball fans while it's chic to do so.  The better part of me knows that nothing makes Canadians happier than having the opportunity to be better at something than the Americans.

But, it does look like fun to be cheering along with them.  And girls look really sexy in baseball hats.  So if the Blue Jays are the flavor of the month, maybe I'll try and... CATCH THE TASTE!

- ryan
(...check out this really flattering picture of me from 1992.  I bet I got all the chicks.)

Canada Day and the 4th of July

July 1st is Canada Day.  For those of you who don't live in Canada and are reading this, you might just imagine that it's like the 4th of July, but for Canadians.  And now that I've written that, I fully expect to have my Canadian citizenship taken away.

You see, Canadians don't really like having themselves compared to their southern neighbors.  I think it was best summed up on an episode of The Kids In The Hall when Dave Foley was asked if he was American, and he said something along the lines of, "I'm a Canadian.  It's like an American, but I don't carry a gun."

...just Ontario.

As Canadians, we're very quick to point out the differences between us and the U.S. of A.  Heaven forbid if someone thinks we're from 'Murica.

"We have free national healthcare for all Canadians!"
"We don't walk around with guns and shoot each other for no reason!"
"Our beer doesn't taste like crap!"
"We're polite, gosh darnit!"

Gosh darnit, some of those facts are pretty darn nice.  And combined, let's not forget that Canadian hockey teams have won more Stanley Cups than American hockey teams.  Because that's really important to us, you know.  Ask any die-hard Maple Leafs fan, and they'll tell you - if the Leafs aren't gonna win a Cup this year, then it should be another Canadian team (except Montreal, of course) because the Cup belongs to Canada.

Gosh darnit!

We're so polite that one of our Provinces tried to leave the country a few years back and we almost let them go.  Does that make Quebec the girlfriend to the rest of Canada that just hangs around to keep the family together so the kids will always have two parents?

And what about those gun laws?  We sure do love to talk about Canadian gun control.  We're not violent little shits like those Americans, no sir!  Heck, there's never a murder in Canada.  Well, not one that we talk about in great detail anyway, because we're so gosh darn polite we'd rather talk about your Aunt's Maple Syrup.  Apparently, according to her, it was a good year for maple syrup.  Well then, serve me up some pancakes!

Just for fun, here's a video I made a few years back about the difference between the U.S.A. and Canada.  I put their name first to be polite.  And really, the video is about the difference between American Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and Canadian Kraft Dinner.

That was fun, gosh darnit.

Maybe someday I'll do a comparison of the Canadian and American versions of Smarties.

I've often wondered why Americans are so quick to shoot their guns at each other.  My only answer is that their Reese Peanut Butter Cups come in packages of two, instead of three like here in Canada.  And yet, we're quick to tell America they have an obesity problem.  I don't know about you, but if there were only two peanut butter cups in a pack, I'd be upset.  Maybe not enough to shoot someone, but then again I've never been in that situation before.  I have a tummy, and I'm not obese, but gosh darnit I want three peanut butter cups.  That's like, one per period of the game.

I miss those Canadian Heritage Minutes.  Remember those?

This guy's Canadian, yo.

"Doctor... I smell... burnt toast!!!!!"
Those were a lot of fun.  The ones I remember most vividly were the ones where we tried to claim credit for Superman and Basketball.  To be sure, Basketball was created by Canadian James Naismith and it's a great game, but the sport is so much more popular in the States and there's only one Canadian team in the NBA.  And don't get me started on how Superman stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way.  That's a whole blog for another day.  (PS - he was only half created by a Canadian)

About fifteen years ago I saw a local band playing on Canada Day at a place called Lake Ontario Park. They were a mullet band, so of course I watched them.  For some ridiculous reason they decided to play John Mellencamp's "Pink Houses" and change the lyrics from "Ain't that America" to "Ain't that Canada."  I'm not sure where the crowd buried their bodies, but there could have been a riot there comparable to the 2011 Vancouver riots after the Stanley Cup was won by my Boston Bruins.

Yeah, I cheer for an American hockey team.  Sorry...?

But I do love living in Canada.  We're great people.  Kind, friendly, polite, apologetic, and just plain swell.  If we were potato chips, we'd probably be Sour Cream n' Onion flavored.  We're not for everybody, but those who love us REALLY love us.

I'll leave you with this fun graphic I made.
- ryan

extensively researched while enjoying a European ale.

"I just want a Canadian team to win."

... really?

There's something about hockey fans that I've never understood.  I don't mean all hockey fans, just this one demographic of us that has a real hate-on for the Americans.  And seeing as how the Stanley Cup Playoffs are about to begin again for 2013, we'll see more of these fans popping up than usual.

How many times have you had this conversation with someone:

"Playoffs are starting tonight!  Who's your favorite team?"

"I like The Oilers... but I don't really care as long as a Canadian team wins."

Okay, I know it's been about two decades since most people really cared about the Oilers, but I picked them at random just to try and name-drop "Esa Tikkanen" at some point in this blog.

The caption that came with the picture says it all.  Beautiful.

I'm Canadian, and I cheer for an American team.  I love the Bruins.  I couldn't see myself cheering for a Canadian team just because they're north of the border.  I mean, being a fan of the black n' gold I already have a strong dislike of the Montreal Canadiens.  Everything about them: their American colored jerseys, their fans that insist on booing the American national anthem, and mostly how they beat the Bruins a lot over the decades.  I've also developed a strong detesting of the Vancouver Canucks since the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. That team is far more qualified to win gold for diving at the Summer Olympics than anything on ice.

So right there, I've already reduced my chances of cheering for a Canadian team by two.

When you think about it, how many Canadian players are on these Canadian teams?  Let's go back to the 2011 Finals again, mostly because I love replaying it in my mind, and remember that the Bruins had more Canadian players than the Canucks did.  Interesting, isn't it?  Yet the "Canadian" hockey fans in Vancouver lost their shit when their "home" team didn't win.

"When I cry, the whole
country will cry with me"

So really, what did the Americans ever do to us to earn such disdain?
Is it all because they stole Wayne Gretzky away in the late 80s?
Or maybe it's because the Winnipeg Jets moved to Why-The-Fuck-Phoenix and became the Coyotes.
But the Jets have returned and have really become our country's home team (seriously, just try and find someone who doesn't like the Jets these days). And the last time ol' "99" played a game was in an Oilers jersey for that outdoor spectacle a few years back.

I know!  It's gotta be because of that stupid Fox NHL broadcast from the early 90s with the glowing puck and fighting robots.  Seriously, what the fuck.

I understand national pride in the Olympics and World Junior Championships.  But when you watched Green Lantern you didn't say, "I hope Green Lantern saves the day because Ryan Reynolds is Canadian."  Or maybe you did.  I don't know you.

It just doesn't make sense.  If my daughter is trying to choose between listening to Led Zeppelin II or anything by Justin Bieber, I'm not going to suggest she pick the Canadian one.

...not sure who this hockey fan is, but he keeps good company!

But back to hockey... if a Canadian team MUST win the Stanley Cup this year, I hope it's the Leafs.  I mean, the Jets and Oilers didn't make the playoffs, and there's a part inside of me that would kind of like to see what happens to the streets of Toronto if the blue n' white actually win it all.  They haven't even won a Stanley Cup in color yet.  All of their good memories are in black n' white.

Well, if my Bruins aren't destined to drink from Lord Stanley's Cup this year, then I don't really care who wins... as long as it's not the Canadiens.

... of those fucking Canucks.

1993 ... the year we loved and look back on with embarrassment.

...it was pointed to me that the Aerosmith album "Get A Grip" is now twenty years old this week.  Holy fuck, that makes me feel pretty old.  Probably not as old as the guys in Aerosmith, but still old enough to remember crushing on Alicia Silverstone pretty hard.  It got me thinking about all those great loves from my youth, especially the year 1993, and how when I look back on it all, I really look back on it with a touch of embarrassment.  Let's take a look.

Get A Grip

how's that milk gonna taste?

...this was the album that got me into Aerosmith.  I'm a HUGE Aerosmith fan. And it's weird to look back on this fandom and see that it all started with one of their "worst", however much successful, records.  I won't lie - "Cryin'" and "Livin' On The Edge" are great songs.  "Cryin'" might be one of the greatest songs ever put together.  It's just darn perfect.   But do most people remember it for the song or for the Alicia Silverstone video?  Or maybe you like it because Steven Tyler's daughter Liv is in the video.  But you're wrong, because that was the video for "Crazy" and you've somehow managed to get the "Cryin/Crazy/Amazing" trilogy of INCREDIBLE videos to meld together as one story in your memory.  Ah yes, back when music videos told a story.
Either way, "Get A Grip" is the reason many of today's Aerosmith fans are really into the band.  They heard those MTV hits and then discovered Dream On, Sweet Emotion, and Draw The Line.  If you ask a die-hard Aerosmith fan what they think of "Get A Grip"... "overproduced"... "too glossy"... "too many ballads"... "not enough balls"... but then they'll admit how much they loved it in 1993 and 1994.

Toronto Maple Leafs
...the other night, the Leafs clinched a spot for the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Of course, all the bandwagon "die-hard" Leafs fans have come out of hiding.  If you remember, a while back I wrote an article about how Deep Down Everyone's A Leafs Fan.  Well, in 1993 I jumped on that bandwagon too, mostly because of how exciting Doug Gilmour was as a player.  And even though I've been cheering relentlessy for the Bruins since 2000, I still quietly will admit to people how I once cheered for the blue and white, and how I truly believe '93 was their year to win the Cup.  And yes, I also believe in my heart they were screwed in the Conference finals versus the LA Kings.

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

... Superman died in late '92, came back to life in early '93 as four imposters, and then returned to TV in late '93 with Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher.  The "Death" of Superman increased his fan-base and made him cool again... okay, for about a year or so... but it was awesome to see the Man of Steel on TV again. Little did we know this was more of a romantic comedy show than an all-out action series.  But we got sucked in, and found ourselves sitting through episodes about clones eating frogs.  Nothing was worse than Superman finding out he was already married to some chick from Krypton who just so happened to have romantic feelings about the other major guest star of that episode.  Oh fuck off.  Of course!  It's shit like this that made it hard for anyone to take Earth's favorite adopted son seriously for so long.  At least we have Man Of Steel this summer.

So there you have it.  1993 lives on fondly in our hearts... we just don't wanna tell anyone about it.

Maple Leafs - This Is Their Year...

I'm a huge fan of the Boston Bruins, but 2011-12 is the Toronto Maple Leafs' year to go to the Stanley Cup Final.

And here's why:

All other Canadian teams have come close and almost had Lord Stanley's Cup withing grasp...

Last year, the Vancouver Canucks got to the final but couldn't stop the Bruins.  The year before that, Montreal made it to the semi-final but couldn't go all the way.

From 2004 to 2007 the Ottawa Senators, Calgary Flames, and Edmonton Oilers all made respectable runs to the Cup Final, only to be beaten by an American team.

Quite simply, this year is the Maple Leafs' year to blow it for the nation.

Sorry Leafs fans... but it's best that you don't get your hopes too high anyway.