Top 11 Sequels?

I'm a firm believer that these days movies are all about the sequel.  At least when it comes to summer blockbusters and superhero shit.  The first movie sets up what we need to know so that we can get right into the action in the sequel.

There are plenty of films that never required a second installment.  But what if, for some reason, they had gotten one anyway?  Let's play God for a day, shall we?

11. What Else Is Eating Gilbert Grape?
Gilbert is back with a whole new set of problems and issues to deal with.  His brother, Arnie, is back too and has eaten an entire tub of radioactive goo.  Arnie, now a destructive goo monster, is hell-bent on helping his brother Gilbert solve his issues...by swallowing him and his problems!  This time, something really IS eating Gilbert Grape...

10. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Part 2
Picture it, Sicily, 2016... It's the sequel you never knew you wanted. Return to a life a solving crimes with Stallone's mom, but this time in full-on glorious 3D CGI... since Estelle Getty is no longer with us.

9. 2 Thelma 2 Louise
If you thought Thelma and Louise were on the run before, you ain't seen nothing yet.  Thelma and Louise have unknowingly gotten their hands on a rare Egyptian artifact and are in a race against time, and the law, to save all of existence from a robotic, alien, Brad Pitt-like thing.  Directed by Michael Bay.

8. Junior's Baby
The unusual comedy team of Arnold/Danny Devito are back!  This time they have to shrink themselves down to mini-size so they can enter into Junior's womb and stop him from getting pregnant by and army of vicious sperm before it's too late.

7. 8 Mile 2: Going The Extra Mile
If you didn't quite get enough of Eminem's more expensive rip off of Purple Rain, then don't worry - he's back and he's going the extra mile!  His mom's spaghetti is back too, and also going the extra mile! With guest appearances by 50 Cent, Wiz Kalifa, MC Hammer, and Niki Minaj, you'll be so wrapped up in the rap battles that you'll fail to notice this movie is just a more expensive rip off of Graffiti Bridge... assuming you ever bothered to watch Graffiti Bridge in the first place.

6. How To Lose A Guy In 11 Days
Like many romantic comedy sequels (I'm looking at you Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights) this film has nothing to do with the one you have grown to love, except that the title will try to bring you in and watch it.  This time around, though, there's a twist - Kate Hudson's character will be played by a dude who gets romantically involved with another dude on a bet from his buddies, and spends eleven days trying to get rid of him in hysterically over-the-top and just-offensive-enough ways, until he realizes that he has actually fallen for another man.

5. Return of the Son of Forrest Gump
This action epic, directed by James Cameron, needs no plot details.  You'll go see it based on the amazing title alone.  Rated NC-17.

4. Another League of Their Own
Sure, The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League was a fun story, highlighting a joyous time for women's rights during the war time.  But what about that other professional baseball league you might not know about because there was no movie made about it? We're talking, of course, about the one you heard about once on The Simpsons from Mr. Burns and thought he was senile - The Negro League.  Yup, it was a real thing and a movie all about it would be fantastic.

3. More Snakes on More Planes
If you don't want to see Samuel L. Jackson scream about them mother fucking snakes on the mother fucking plane one more time, then I'm sorry, because you don't have a soul.

2. Mr. Nanny Returns
Mr. Nanny has to come out of retirement one more time to stop more past-their-prime former WWF superstars from kidnapping rich kids.  Hogan clearly knows best in this sequel, as he spends more time in a tutu, and leg drops the kids to safety. Whatcha gonna do when Mr. Nanny cuts the crusts off your sandwiches for you????????

1. E.E.T.: The Extra-Extra Terrestrial
Elliot is all grown up now, and can't figure out why his finger keeps glowing. Suddenly, he transforms into The Extra-Extra Terrestrial and has to adjust to his new life as an ugly alien in a world full of fear, and people who won't share their Reese's Pieces.  But when the world is threatened by an army of Neo-Nazis (this IS a Spielberg movie, after all) the world will call on E.E.T. to save the planet and the world's supply of Reese's Pieces.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

Fuck You, I Love Annie!

The sun WILL come out tomorrow, because you know what?
Fuck you, I love Annie.

The Annie soundtrack from the 1982 flick will forever be special to me.  I've had that record since I was a kid, and while some grown men may be embarrassed to know all the words to all the songs, I'm not.  Because fuck you, I love Annie.

The Annie remake from a couple years ago with Jamie Foxx? Nope. I watched that awful movie.  What a horrible piece of shit.  It definitely tries, I mean, don't get me wrong, that movie has good intentions, but they should have called it something other than Annie.  Because at the end of the movie, I looked at the TV screen and said, "Fuck you, I love Annie."

The one from the 90s... "A Royal Adventure" or whatever it was called.  Heck nope.  Double heck nope!

Give me Carol Burnett, Tim Curry, and Albert Finney.
And goddamit, give me Punjab!
Fuck you, I love Punjab.
Love.
Punjab.

I love the movie Annie so much that I'm going to write a haiku about it right now.

I love the movie
Annie, because it is great
Fuck you, I love it

Did you see that? That right there was love.  Love, goddamit.  Love for the movie Annie.  Oh sure, I love other movies too.  And even though Annie isn't my favourite movie of all-time, and not even in my top ten, it's a different kind of love that I have for it.  The kind of love that you can profess to the world, assuming the whole world is actually listening.  If you love Annie enough, the world will listen.  They'll listen, because fuck you - I love Annie.

Do you love Annie too?  Not that it matters.  If you do, hey great for you.  If not, I've got plenty of love for Annie.  If you do love Annie and someone tries giving you a hard time about it, just tell them, "Fuck you, I love Annie."

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

Because you're never full dressed without a smile!

Top 11 Robots

Let's face it, someday we'll all be replaced by robots.  So why not strive to be like a great robot of history? Historically speaking, there have been many robots over the years that have influenced the ages.  They were all wonderful.

11. BB-8
Who doesn't love balls?  BB-8 is two of them! That's twice the robotic balls rolling around, cracking jokes and hiding maps to old folks with robotic hands. Balls!

10. Dot Matrix
Let's face it, everyone needs a virgin alarm. Just in case.

09. Fox's NHL Robots from the early 90s
We may have hated them at the time, but those bots were pioneers of good ol' Californian ice hockey. Without them the Kings or Mighty Ducks may never have won a Stanley Cup.

08. Wall-E
If you don't find yourself wanting to hug this little guy, then you might already be a robot devoid of a soul. I bet you don't like celery with cheese wiz either.

07. Conky
Without him we would never know what today's secret word is. 'Nuff said.

06. Metalhead
Be realistic - of all the Ninja Turtles, Metalhead was the one with the best shot at April O'Neil. I mean, he's no Casey Jones, but who is?

"Your mother was a snowblower!"

05. Astro Boy
Soaring high in the skies, he may be small but only in size. He is brave and true and wise.

04. The Terminator
Go with him if you want to live.

03. Paulie's Robot Girlfriend
I'm actually surprised that Paulie's Robot Girlfriend isn't #1. And I write these lists. This robot is special because of how we learn more about love from it than even Adrian herself. I'd like to think that if Rocky didn't beat the Russian in IV, that maybe Paulie's Robot Girlfriend would have finished the job. Happy birthday Paulie.

02. Jazz
With so many Autobots and Decepticons to choose from, it was tough to pick just one robot in disguise. So I chose Jazz. He was pretty much that cool friend, who had all the cool records and knew which girls would let you feel them up. You know, under the shirt and over the bra. Jazz is awesome.

01. Johnny Five
He's alive and he's pals with Steve Gutteburg. All other robots would clearly be jealous of him.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

"She loves me."

The Tom Hanks Conspiracy

(Or, "Remember When Tom Hanks Was Funny?")

There was a time, and some of you won't remember these days, when Tom Hanks was a funny fella. Yes, the same Mr. Tom Hanks that has bored us with flicks like The Da Vinci Code and Catch Me If You Can. A younger, more comedic Tom Hanks giggled us through many trips to the theater, and many of these classics are seen Sunday afternoons on your local cable station's Movie of the Week.


(The Money Pit, Big, The 'Burbs, and Joe Versus The Volcano)
This Is Not Your Room... 
From 1986 to 1992, Tom Hanks was an unstoppable force of comedy genius, starting with The Money Pit and climaxing with A League Of Their Own. There was something quirky about his characters. They were ready to explode at any time. Just look at his character Ray in The 'Burbs or Walter in The Money Pit. They were slightly crazy, yet related to the every-man. Chances are you had a friend who was like Tom Hanks... or maybe you were just a little like Tom Hanks yourself. We watched Hanks morph from a small child into an adult and thought, Wow, that's just like how I feel!. We saw Hanks put up with the most annoying dog on the planet. We saw Tom Hanks hate his life and take a pile of money to throw himself into a volcano, only to find true love. We thought Tom Hanks would always be there at our side to make us laugh. 

Life Is Like A Box of Tom Hanks... You Never Know What You're Gonna Get...

Then came the big switch-a-roo. In 1995 Tom Hanks made the movie Apollo 13. This is when the world lost Tom Hanks. While in outer space filming his space scenes it is very likely that Tom Hanks was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with A Fake Tom Hanks. Yes, that's right. A fake Tom Hanks. One who isn't funny at all. Directly after Apollo 13, Hanks did voice work for Toy Story. Or did he? It is reasonable to assume that the aliens who replaced Hanks used this faker to do the voice work while they finished up the final touches on Hanks' duplicate body.


(Saving Private Ryan, Cast Away, The Ladykillers, The Da Vinci Code) 

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. 

All I'm saying is give it some thought. Tom Hanks hasn't made a good comedy since before Apollo 13, and the Aliens are the only possible reason why. Even when "Hanks" made The Lady Killers in 2004, which was supposed to be his return to comedy, it wasn't funny at all. So here's my proposal: Let's get NASA and all the armies of the world to join together just this once and go into outer space to find the real Tom Hanks. He's out there somewhere, surely making some lucky aliens laugh.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Chuck Norris' Forced Vengeance

Be prepared. I took notes.

I was honestly a little worried about watching Forced Vengeance.   It was the third movie in a 3-pack of Chuck Norris flicks my dad lent me. Part of me wanted to just get it out of the way, while another part was anxious to see if it could out-do the crappy 90-minute flicks I sat through before. Well, I was honestly impressed. In Forced Vengeance we see Chuck Norris in Hong Kong, fighting to save his friend's daughter from big-business-type thugs. The Lucky Dragon Casino is the prize in the eyes of Osirus... and it's up to Chuck Norris to find out who he is and stop him. Two of his friends have been murdered in an attempt to lure The Lucky Dragon, and now the mob is after him too. 

The Good: In the first two minutes or so we are treated to four, count them four, roundhouse kicks. These same roundhouse kicks appear later in the movie, and were used for the opening credits. We have a total of nine amazing roundhouse kicks (not counting the four that were repeated from the opening, that would make thirteen) and each one is totally lethal. The story is fun, even if it is simple. Classic good guy must stop the bad guys stuff. But Chuck Norris is fortunate enough to run all over Hong Kong with two superbly attractive women. His blonde girlfriend really has some nice boobs. I wasn't planning on saying that, but I couldn't help myself. We get a little bit of nudity in this one, and if you can keep your ears focused as well during the strip club scene you'll also hear a rendition of Rick James' "Superfreak". The action sequences are exciting, and there's a good element of humor in the film as well. 

The Bad: I can't honestly come up with anything I didn't like in this movie. It's really a lot of fun. So let's just say that it would've been cool if Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked The Earth for good measure. 

The Verdict: Forced Vengeance completely makes up for the time I wasted watching the previous two Chuck Norris movies. In fact, I'd watch this one again and again. Ta Ta!

- ryan

Superman IV Isn't So Bad

Was Batman V. Superman too much for you? Too gritty? Too violent?

Were you expecting a Superman who believes in people and does good for the sake of doing it?

Well, that Superman can be found in the old Superman flicks. I showed my son Superman IV: The Quest For Peace the other day and he loved it. He's only fifteen months old, and was glued to it.  I can remember being seven years old in the 80s and just loving this movie.  As I got older, jaded, and far more cynical that I started to believe all the negativity about The Quest For Peace.  But seven year old me, and 15 month old Grayson love this movie.  Maybe Superman IV ain't so bad after all.

Okay, yes Superman IV is pretty bad. And here's why most people say so:

• The visual effects are total bullshit 
• There are numerous plot holes
• People breathe in space without dying
• Nuclear Man looks ridiculous 

But, and remember this is from a kid's point of view, there are some great things about Superman IV.

"Ladies and gentlemen... the ladies of GLOW Wrestling!"

Christopher Reeve still owns the role
One of the best things about Reeve's performance as the Man of Steel is that he's simply a gentleman and a friend.  He doesn't overly dissect the character to make him cool or trendy.  He's just a super guy.

me in the 80s

The music is fantastic 
John Williams wrote some new music for this movie and it was adapted by Alexander Courage.  While not as good as the original Superman movie score, it's still awesome to hear that theme play when Superman is doing something super.  It brings you into the movie and along for the action.

The movie is visually bright and colorful 
Even compared to the first three installments of the series, Superman IV is the one that looks most like a comic book.  It's bright, kind of campy, and sometimes over-the-top looking.  Just look at Nuclear Man's awful costume.  Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous, but so were super heroes and villains in the 80s.

We actually see Superman fight somebody 
Sure, the actual fighting sequences between Superman and Nuclear Man are pretty shoddily choreographed, and the visual effects certainly don't help, BUT we actually see Superman in a fight all over the world and on the moon.  With a better budget, script, dialogue, and effects, this could have been a pretty cool slug-fest to see on the big screen.  

Luthor is a mad genius trying to destroy Superman

Luthor's appearances in Superman and Superman II mostly show him as being obsessed with owning land.  But if you look back at many of the comics over the years, Luthor was an evil genius always coming up with new ways to try and destroy the Man of Steel.  The idea of Luthor sending Superman's DNA into the sun with a bullshit computer program isn't as far-fetched as you may have believed.  Nor are the notions of him shrinking Superman with a shrink-ray gun or swapping his mind with Superman's.

"My eyes are up here, Luthor."

Mariel Hemingway is pretty fun

Okay, Margot Kidder was definitely past her prime for this movie which is probably why sexy Mariel Hemingway was brought in as a love interest for Clark.  Back then they knew you don't mess with the Superman/Lois relationship... but Clark was technically considered a different person back then.  Hemingway's character (Lacy Warfield) was actually lots of fun.  The only thing she was missing was a set of L.L. initials.  

This movie features Superman more than any other Superman movie.

Say what?  You heard me.  In the original Superman movie  we don't even see Superman on screen until about the 45-minute mark.  Then, in Superman II, he spends a good portion of the movie powerless and out of the costume.  Superman III?  The less said about it the better, but again, Superman takes a backseat to Clark Kent and Richard Pryor.  Superman IV actually has more scenes involving Superman (by percentage of the movie) than any other in the series.  Heck, let's even throw Superman Returns in there for good measure.  So here, you can see why kids really like Superman IV - they aren't focusing so much on the quality and little details, they're just excited to see Superman being Superman.

So there you have it.
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace ain't so bad because kids like it.  And their opinion about a Superman movie is what should be important.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

a picture in picture of my little guy watching Superman IV and loving it.

Cocktail - A Guide To Life

...that's not Tom Cruise.

I have a friend who has a friend who claims that watching the movie Cocktail is like watching a porno without any actual explicit sex in it. I'm not going to say that this person is right or wrong, but I will say that there are many great life lessons we can learn from the 1988 flick starring Tom Cruise and the always gorgeous (nay, perfect) Elisabeth Shue. So let's take a look at a few ways to keep your life great, through the teachings of the 81st Greatest Movies of All-Time. 

Part One - School Ain't Cool 
Our protagonist, Brian Flanagan, goes to community college to get a degree in business. But between the boring textbooks and overbearing professors, Flanagan realizes he can learn much more in a bar. Flanagan even writes a business proposal for his own night club, which is rejected by his asshole know-nothing business prof. So Flanagan finds a partner in Doug Coughlin and they make more than enough money in the booze business to pay for what Flanagan's student loans would've been.  They also get more panties thrown at them than you can shake a stick at.  Somebody call up Hasbro, cause I think I've just invented the next great party game.
Lesson: Get an education at the bar. If you aren't already.

Part Two - Mentor A Man With An Accent 
Doug Coughlin is either Irish, Scottish, English, or Australian. I'm not too sure if they mention it in the movie, but it doesn't matter much because all we need to know is that he has a pretty sweet accent that makes all the women attracted to him. Young men such as Flanagan are engulfed by accents as well because they know babes like them. Coughlin passes on his "Coughlin's Laws" to young Flanagan at every opportunity, and the two become best of friends.  Would Coughlin's Laws have contained as much wisdom without a Brit-Scot-Aust-Irish accent?
Lesson: Chicks dig a dude with an accent... so fake it if you have to.

Part Three - Cougars Are Only So Awesome
Cougars are great, especially when they're on the prowl, but here's a learner in being faithful: Flanagan had hooked up with Elisabeth Shue (every man's dream) and then took a bet to get with a rich old lady. Dude... I know it worked in theory, but come on... you fucked around on Lizzy Shue. How could you make her cry like that?  How could you give her those lonely nights alone?  how could you????  You're lucky she took you back. Actually, you're lucky you knocked her up first so she pretty much had to take you back.
Lesson: Not all women are as super-hot and forgiving as Elisabeth Shue is. So if you fuck around, chances are they won't take you back.  Also, if you hurt Lizzy Shue's feelings, we'll find you.  Oh yes.


Part Four - Talk In Rhyme at a Convenient Time
People will always listen if you can talk in rhyme. It worked for Roadblock in GI Joe. It worked for Eminem in "8 Mile" (even though that was just a bad photocopy of "Purple Rain". And it worked for Brian Flanagan too. But it's always best if you do it as a toast, with a nice drink in your hand.
Lesson: Don't go crazy and join the church of Scientology.

So there we have it. If you've never seen Cocktail, go rent it. Or buy it. It's usually in the cheap bin at Wal-Mart for about five bucks. You might get something completely different out of the movie. And at least you'll get to stare at Elisabeth Shue in a bathing suit.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan
(Oh, and below, check out my video for "Lizzy Shue" from a couple years ago.  The entire song was inspired by my love for the the movie Cocktail, and of course for Elisabeth  Shue.)

The Ninja Turtles Soundtrack

So we recently re-watched the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.  My daughter has been on a huge Turtles kick lately.  I have good memories of seeing them all in the theater.  Yes, even part III.  I actually saw that flick in the theater.

The two sequels get a lot of flack for their cheesiness, but c'mon, they're movies about giant turtles doing karate and eating pizza.  How serious should it be?

But we're here today to talk about the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of the first film.  I'd forgotten just how much I loved that cassette tape until I watched the movie again recently.  Did you know that soundtrack came in four different colored cassette tapes?  It's true!  You had your pick of red, orange, blue, and purple to represent which Turtle was your favorite.

I got the orange one.  Michelangelo was my favorite when I was a kid.  I think all kids like him the best, because my daughter picked Mikey as her favorite too.  It wasn't until I was older, and smarter, that I decided Raphael was the best.

This was 1990, and vinyl records hadn't been done away with just quite yet, only to have a popularity resurgence twenty years later.  My mom wanted to get the record for me because it was a couple dollars cheaper.  Something similar also occurred the previous year when I really wanted Prince's Batman soundtrack. I was convinced that I would somehow scratch the record.  I even remember telling my mom, "But I'm just a stupid kid!  I'll probably scratch the record!  A tape will last forever!"

So I just had to have an orange Mikey cassette. I begged and begged until my mommy caved in. 

And then the fucking Sam The Record Man was all sold out of orange cassettes.

So we had to go to MusicWorld on the other side of the shopping center to get an orange Turtles cassette soundtrack.  I listened to it so much that the track listing wore off, but that didn't matter - I had the bloody thing memorized.  Other than MC Hammer, I don't think there's anybody performing on that soundtrack that you kids today might recognize by name.  The instrumental Ninja Turtles theme is pretty good, but I remember being disappointed that it wasn't the same as cartoon theme.

For me, the two songs I kept rewinding back to were "Spin That Wheel" and "T-U-R-T-L-E Power".

And for some reason there are music clips from the movie with Splinter's monologue over top.  Not really songs you can sing along with or dance to, but neat to have on the soundtrack.

Here, give the whole thing a listen:

Don't you just want to grab a pizza after all that?

I'm ashamed (no, I'm actually really proud) to admit that when the first movie ended the other night and the credits were rolling along with "T-U-R-T-L-E Power", I still knew all the words to the song and could rap along.  Cause nothing is as bad-ass as rapping about the Ninja Turtles.  Most rappers claim to be from the streets, but let me tell you - Turtle rappers are from the sewers!  Fuck The Foot Clan comin' straight from Dimension X...

I don't know what came over me there.

It's important to note the appearance of Ya Kid K on this album, and her apparent love for all things Turtles.  You probably have no idea who she is at first, but she's the vocalist on such early 90s hits as "Pump Up The Jam" and "Move This" for Technotronic.  C'mon, you know "Move This"... "shake that body....shake that body... baby lemme show you how to do this... you gotta move this... you're doing fi-yi-yiiiiine..."

She actually sings in all three of the Ninja Turtles movies.  Go figure.  I don't tell many people this, but I had Ya Kid K's cassette tape, "One World Nation", from the early 90s.  I think I might be the only person who ever bought it.  And it wasn't until the other day when I looked Ya Kid K up on Wikipedia that I found out she's a girl.  Kinda thought she was a boy back in the day.  A cute boy, but a boy nonetheless.  Hmm, that's a story for another day.

All in all, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie had a pretty cool soundtrack.

The less said about Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze the better.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Batman Cereal

Will it taste like justice?

About a week or so ago I wrote all about the new Superman cereal to promote Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.  My daughter pretty much devoured the box and then asked if we could try to the Batman cereal as well.

I was hesitant because, well, I didn't really like the idea of chocolate and strawberry together.  It just wasn't my cup of tea.  Or bowl of cereal in this case.  Regardless, she asked me about twenty times if we could get it, so I picked up a box of it.  And another box of Superman cereal.  That shit was tasty.

You should have seen her face when I picked her up from the school bus and told her I had secured a box of Batman cereal.  She lit up like a bat-signal.

The next morning when I woke her up I used the cereal to my advantage.  You see, Ryleigh is almost five years old but she's already exhibiting signs that she's a teenage girl.  Getting her out of bed in the morning should pretty much be an Olympic event and The Lovely Wife and I deserve at least silver and bronze medals for our efforts every day.

But I had an ace up my sleeve.  Or maybe a joker card would be more fitting.

"Ryleigh, wake up.  It's time to get ready for school."
".... still tired..."
"Get up. Go pee.  Brush your teeth.  Not at the same time, though.  Your mom gave me trouble for that once.  Apparently it's gross."
"...I just wanna stay in bed...."
"Remember, there's Batman cereal downstairs..."

"See kids, if you ask your parents enough times for something they'll cave in and get it for you every time"

She was downstairs in less than five minutes.

So we all had a bowl of this chocolaty-strawberry-cereal.  Well, not my son Grayson.  He likes his cereal to be just scattered all over the goddamn high chair tray.  Good thing he eats his cereal dry.  Just like daddy.  At first glance, the Batman cereal looks better than the Superman cereal.  You can actually tell this is supposed to represent the Dark Knight.

"It tastes like my parents are dead!"

The taste?  Not bad.  I didn't go wild for it.  Ryleigh, who likes milk on her cereal, got halfway through her bowl of Batman cereal and asked me to remove the milk.  Hmm.  Okay, and after the milk was gone she ate it right up.

So there's all this hype around the movie, and who's going to win the fight between Batman and Superman.  You can hashtag on Twitter who you think will win, and blah blah blah.  I don't think either of them will win in the movie, because they need to put the Justice League together.  None of that matters though, because we're talking about cereal.

Naturally, with the competition in the movie it seems only fitting to pick which cereal was better.  Everyone's taste buds are a little different, remember.  The next morning when I woke Ryleigh up for breakfast I asked her if she wanted some more Batman cereal.

"Nah, I think I'll have Superman cereal this morning."

Folks, we have a winner.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na no artificial flavoring!

Good God, I Want A Power Glove

"It's so bad."

The Nintendo Power Glove was one of those defining toys of a generation. Our parents had ray-guns. We had Nintendo. We were truly playing with power. That is, until 1992 when we stopped playing with power and started playing with Super Power! But that's a story for another day.

Most of us were given our first view of a Power Glove in the movie The Wizard, starring Fred Savage. If you've never seen it, go rent it or stop by my house to watch it with me. If you're a pretty girl I'll even make popcorn. It has some great lines such as "He touched my breast!", "Cal-i-for-nee-ya", and "This one's called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". Sure, the movie is really a 90 minute Nintendo ad, but at least it's entertaining.



Without spoiling the truly deep plot of The Wizard, we can examine the spotlight that was the Power Glove... and Lucas.

Yes, that's right Lucas! He's quite possibly the greatest Nintendo player who ever lived. Other Nintendo-ers fear his name alone. Some of us have peed our pants just thinking of challenging this legend. He's not just good at one game. No, no, he's beaten them all! In fact, Lucas is such a threat to every other Nintendo-nerd's very existence that he even has flunkies that do dirty work for him. His minions search out those who can wield a NES controller with grace and persistence. They look for those who know the secret of "up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right-a-b-a-b-select-start". Then they bring them before Lucas, their king.

Swiftly, and without any sign of empathy, Lucas has destroyed all those that have challenged his Nintendo greatness. His only defeat (and one that shouldn't count because it was a three-person game) came at the hands of Jimmy at the end of The Wizard. Lucas must have let Jimmy have that victory to feel better about himself. It just goes to show that Lucas isn't a total dictator in the many worlds of Mario.

I have decided that it is upon my shoulders to get a power glove while defeating Lucas and freeing the rest of the Nintendo players from his tyranny. And thus begins the greatest duel in the history of all histories... 
Lucas versus Ryan! 
Here's how the combatants match up:

	LUCAS	RYAN
Game of choice	Rad Racer	Bubble Bobble
Quote	"I love the Power Glove.  It's so bad."	"I have a penis.  And it's really cool."
Mario, Luigi, or Princess?	Princess... she can fly.	Luigi... he has something to prove.
Would he touch her breast?	Probably already did.	Would've as a kid.
Number of lines in Tetris	157	168
Sworn enemy	Jimmy, who won the tourney.	Scott, who often wins at Monopoly.

Announcing today's festivities are none other than my old friend The Lord of Chaos.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Ryan challenged Lucas to a game of Rad Racer? Wow, lemme tell ya I haven't seen such a display of finely crafted technique in years! In fact, I've barely done anything in years! Lucas stated he would only do battle in his castle, and when Ryan showed up he exclaimed 'Bring it on, Jesus!'. Ryan grabbed his controller and hit the start button. Lucas grabbed the Power Glove, but was quickly stopped by Ryan. Lucas agreed to not use the greatest weapon ever, and that if he were to win, it would be honorably with a NES controller. What happened next was a landslide victory for Lucas. Ryan never stood a chance against his Royal NESness. Oh well, win some, lose some!"

Well, I still don't have a Power Glove...but I really want one. If I find one at a Flea Market I'll definitely buy one. If anyone out there has one they'd like to give me as a nice early Christmas present, I'd cherish it forever.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Superman Cereal

I'm pretty excited for Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice, but when I saw some ads for the two new cereal tie-ins, I said to myself, there's no fucking way I'm buying those.  That's just stupid.

Then the other day I was grocery shopping with the family and saw them on the shelf.  And I actually saw the last box of each kind the store had.  Superman's is a Caramel Crunchy Thing that apparently looks like puppy kibble and then Batman's is chocolate and strawberry together.

How either of these are supposed to represent the characters I'll never know.

Batman's cereal at least looks like something you'd expect from Batman - small black bats.  Superman's though, tries to look like the diamond shape for the "S" emblem.  And that's all it does is try.  Maybe they were "hoping" that we'd just go along with it.  See what I did there?  Hope?  Superman's "S"?  Hope?  Get it?  Get it?

You don't get it.

So anyway, I saw these boxes of cereal before my kids did and pretty much shit my pants with excitement.  I couldn't explain it in the moment, but eventually realized that these cereals made me feel like a kid again.  You see, when I was a kid, I had Superman French Fries and Superman Peanut Butter.  That shit was real.  And tasty.  You can YouTube some commercials for Superman Peanut Butter if you don't believe me.  And it's not like some of the other movie tie-ins you see these days - Star Wars, Frozen, Avengers characters on Honey Comb, Shreddies, and Frosted Flakes.

Shake yo' S, watch yo-self, shake yo' S, Save the Daily Planet

Fuck no, these are Superman and Batman's own cereal.  

It's not just a box of Sugar Crisp with a picture of Superman on it.  This is a cereal inspired (somehow, though I still don't really get it) by The Man of Goddam Steel.  That's way more awesome, and makes me far more interested in trying it.

(Side fun fact - in the mid-90s when I was at the height of my nerdy collecting, I had a box of Corn Flakes with Val Kilmer's Batman on the box.  I saved that box of cereal for about four or five years because I thought it might be worth money some day.  Then when I was living on my own for the first time and hungry because I spent all my food money on booze, I opened up that old-ass box of cereal and ate it.  Didn't shit right for a few days after.)

"Who's better, Batman or Superman?"... "Elsa and Anna."

Back to the adventure!

So I grabbed both boxes to let my daughter Ryleigh pick which cereal we should get.  I'm a bigger Superman fan at heart, so I thought it would be fair to let her pick.  I wasn't going to buy both, because that doesn't set a very good parenting example.  Don't get me wrong though, if there was another dad eyeing them up behind me, ready to pounce on whichever one I didn't choose, then I would have bought them both.  Fuck him, whoever he may be in my imagination of events that didn't happen, but could have.

Ryan: "Okay Ryleigh, should we get the Chocolate Strawberry Batman, or the Caramel Crunch Superman cereal?"
Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmmmmm......."
Ryan: "Batman or Superman?"
Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmm...... ummmmmm......"
The Lovely Wife: "...what do either of those flavors have to do with the characters..."
Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmmmm....."
Ryan: "Okay, we're getting Superman.  You took too long to decide."
Ryleigh: "But!...."

And that people, is how you parent.

Oh no!  It's Kryptonite!

So we tried the cereal this morning.  I ate it dry, and Ryleigh had it with milk.  She must have really liked it, because she downed it all in half the time it normally takes her to eat.  She eats about as fast as... I dunno, I've got no comparison here.  She eats very slowly.

I really liked it too.  Tasted good.

The boxes are neat, with textured logos and eye-popping visuals.  If you're like me and you read too much into everything you see, you might notice that the Caramel Crunchy bits are popping right out of Superman's crotch area.  Fucking weirdo aliens.

I'd recommend trying it if you see it, if only because it's something you've never had before.  And you can hum the Superman music while eating it.  It really did bring me back to the days of Superman French Fries and Peanut Butter.  I'm not going to say this cereal is "super" because that would be... awww fuck it, this cereal is super.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 Co-Hosts

It's no secret that I've always wanted to have my own talk show on TV. I was a huge fan of Regis & Kathie Lee back in the early 90s. Sometimes I would even fake sick so I could stay home from school to watch it. So if I were offered my own talk show, I'd need a wicked awesome co-host. And here are eleven possible co-hosts that I'd be proud to share my TV show with.

	#11 - Cyndi Lauper Name of the show: Talk After Talk If Cyndi were my co-host we'd have all kinds of good guests. We'd do a special Goonies reunion episode, and even bring out Captain Lou Albano for some old fashioned rubber band games. Rubber bands are the coolest thing since Max Headrom.
	#10 - Herbie The Love Bug Name of the show: Back Seat Babble Herbie and I would turn this talk show into more of a "Pimp My Ride" type show, where we take old cars and re-do them so hot chicks like Lindsay Lohan will drive them.
	#9 - Count Chocula Name of the show: The Darkest Hour... with Ryan & Count Chocula Chocula and I would do a show all about the hot Hollywood gossip. We'd take a look at celebrity scandals, and who is having babies in tinsel town. Every audience member would get a bag of the Count's marshmallows. Look closely and you'll even see Frankenberry leading our band before each commercial break.
	#8 - Jake "The Snake" Roberts Name of the show: The DDT Show Picture it. Jake "The Snake" Roberts, a former WWF wrestler who turned to God after retirement, and me getting drunk and reading the bible. Offensive? Maybe. But it wouldn't last long anyway. After forty seconds of listening to a drunk Jake talk, you'll be turning the channel. "In a cashino, yoush should gamfble."
	#7 - Ronald Reagan Name of the show: Rockin' With Ryan n' Ronnie True, Mr. Reagan may have passed away, but for the TV show we'd have a psychic channel him into the studio. Or I'd just get Carrot Top to dress up as Ronnie, if the psychic is sick that day. And if the Carrot Top AND the psychic were sick on the same day, I'd just splice in old footage from Ronnie's movies and public adresses.
	#6 - Rue McClanahan Name of the show: Thank You For Being Our Guest First and foremost, I would get Rue to convince us all that The Golden Palace show never happened, and that Golden Girls ended on a positive note. Then we'd have great guests like Leslie Nielson, Ron Jeremy, and Dakota Fanning. Oh, and cute pets that sound like people when they talk.
	#5 - A Foot Long Hoagie Name of the show: Watch Ryan & Friends Eat A Hoagie The name pretty much says it all. Each day I have a special celebrity guest come on the show and we see who can finish eating a footlong hoagie first. Bring it on Paris Hilton! Bring it on Olsen Twins! Bring it on! YEAH!
	#4 - Gwildor Name of the show: A Good Journey Instead of having a studio where we invite guests, we would use Gwildor's "Cosmic Key" to travel to far away places and meet interesting guests. This show, unfortunately, wouldn't be able to be filmed live because Gwildor has a bad fucking habit of losing that Cosmic Key of his.
	#3 - Cobra Commander Name of the show: The Midnight Hour with Ryan and The Commander It's your usual late-night talk show, with all the usual features, so here's our theme song as sung by me and Cobra Commander: Ryan - It's late at night so throw the switches CC - Time for our late night show, bitches! Ryan - Cobra and I are the best of friends CC - So Destro, you can suck me off! Ryan- (Uh...that's not how the song goes...) CC - Big Finish! Together - It's The Midnight Hour with Ryan and The Commander! Yeah!
	#2 - Gilbert Gottfried Name of the show: Problem Adults Here's a show where Gilbert and I bring out famous people to talk about what's wrong with the world today. And then we tell the guests that they're a bunch of cynical hypocrites. Then we get drunk, burn some money, and waste a bunch of food... all on live TV.
	#1 - Princess Toadstool Name of the show: In Another Castle This has all the makings of a classic. Just so long as Princess Toadstood doesn't pull a Kathie Lee on me and get knocked up by Mario then spend half the show talking about her kids. She's more of a lady than that anyway. Our special segment each day would involve a guest running an obstacle course while on mushrooms. If they can do it, they are allowed to come back to the another time.

And that's that!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan