...so DC Entertainment is re-branding themselves yet again with another new logo.
Yes, another one.
It seems like I just wrote a blog about this four years ago. Oh wait, that's because I did. And you can read it here: DC Comics - The New... Uh.... Logo....
It's a good one. You should read it.
This new logo looks more like a classic one from the early 70s. I kinda dig it, I guess, but nothing will ever really replace the DC Bullet from 1976 that lasted until the early 2000's. To me, that will always represent DC Comics.
At least this new logo is easy to read and understand. The more I looked at the "Page-flip" logo, the more I didn't understand it.
2012 Logo... it's been a nice 4 years.
It's a bit plain, though. Not much to it.
I definitely liked the 2005 logo more, but still think the classic '76 Bullet is the best. And the more I look at this new logo, the more I wish there were some stars somehow incorporated into it.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Bad Guys won?
Suppose those stupid Ewoks were never found and the Death Star wasn't destroyed. Or Sloth never helped The Goonies. Or Egon never thought to cross the streams, and Gozer devestated Manhattan. These are the things that keep me up at night. So let's take a look at four Would-Be World Conquerors. What would the world be like if they succeeded for a change?
Hank Scorpio
When we last saw Hank Scorpio he was running the Globex corporation. But that was secretly a front for an organization hell-bent on taking over the world. Homer Simpson took a job working for Scorpio, but quit before we ever found out if Hank won or lost his battle. We can only assume that Scorpio was not successful. However, if he did actually conquer the planet it might not have been so bad. Scorpio always had sugar available (even if not in packets) and he treated his employees very well. Would he have been so different to his worldly subjects? I can only see the scenario playing out one way. Scorpio would rule the world until he was taken down by the sheer awesomeness of Knight Rider. Then the people would be free again.
Cobra Commander
Cobra Commander is the leader of Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. But he keeps losing to G.I.Joe. If Cobra were successful in defeating those Joes we could see increased Global Health Care, stronger Free Trade Issues, and free Dance Lessons for everyone. I hear Cobra Commander is a big fan of the salsa. Mind you, if you get out of line (or steal the Commander's dance partner) you'd be lucky to escape with your life.
General Zod
If it weren't for the Son of Jor-El we would all have really scraped up knees. Yeah, if General Zod were actually able to maintain control over Planet Houston we would all be kneeling left, right, and center. Zod surely would've created a strong Global workforce, building castles and a palace dedicated to our leader. On the downside, he probably would've instituted an all black, glimmering dress code. Nobody needs to see me wearing one of those outfits.
Pinky and The Brain
I'm not entirely convinced that Pinky and The Brain haven't already taken over the world. Just look at how our planet is run. Some of the cracked out news events seem like they would've been orchestrated by two lab mice running around in a wheel. Brain (the mastermind behind the whole operation) really uses Pinky to meet women. Brain isn't confident enough about his looks, so he keeps Pinky around to make himself look better. Behind every good leader is a good, strong woman. Remember that.
So the next time we're faced with a situation dealing with a possible despot, we should take a moment and consider all possibilities, good and bad. Because when you get down to it, "Shredder's School of Fine Cuisine" and "Skeletor's Deficit Refinement Plan" don't seem like bad ideas at all.
You know, I rarely delve into politics. It's not that I'm overly political, or underly political, or really have a very good opinion on politics.
But you can't take a shit anywhere in the world anymore without hearing someone's opinion of Donald Trump running for President of the United States of America.
My opinion of whether or not he'd make a good leader (my opinion is that he wouldn't) doesn't really matter. I'm not a citizen of the USA and I've never spent the night in one of his luxury hotels. But I've seen a lot of movies and television over the years, so here's my list of the Top 11 Presidents.
Maybe the Donald will be on this list. Probably not.
11. Presidents of the United States of America
You can interpret this one however you want. You can believe it's all of the presidents ever grouped together or that shitty band who had the shitty song about peaches. I'm not a big fan of either.
Seabass
10. President Sparkling Wine
If it gets you drunk, it should be on every top eleven list ever.
09. President's Day
Is it a holiday? Are you being paid to stay home and do nothing with your family? Oooh la la!
08. Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Universe
Maybe the President of the USA should have two heads instead of one.
07. Cam "President Seabass" Neely
Sure, the Bruins may have sucked this year (and last year) but Neely is still my favorite hockey player of all-time.
06. The President of the Hair Club for Men
He's also a member! 05. President's Choice White Cheddar Macaroni n' Cheese
Oh my gosh, you've gotta eat this stuff. If you live in the USA you might not have access to it, but imagine Kraft Macaroni n' Cheese that tasted a million times better. No, a bajillion times.
04. E.G. Marshall
He was the President in my favorite movie ever, Superman II.
03. Ronnie
He better talk to Russia before it's too late.
02. Harry "Get Off My Plane" Ford
GET OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
01. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
Yes. Yes. Yes. The man.
Was Batman V. Superman too much for you? Too gritty? Too violent?
Were you expecting a Superman who believes in people and does good for the sake of doing it?
Well, that Superman can be found in the old Superman flicks. I showed my son Superman IV: The Quest For Peace the other day and he loved it. He's only fifteen months old, and was glued to it. I can remember being seven years old in the 80s and just loving this movie. As I got older, jaded, and far more cynical that I started to believe all the negativity about The Quest For Peace. But seven year old me, and 15 month old Grayson love this movie. Maybe Superman IV ain't so bad after all.
Okay, yes Superman IV is pretty bad. And here's why most people say so:
The visual effects are total bullshit
There are numerous plot holes
People breathe in space without dying
Nuclear Man looks ridiculous
But, and remember this is from a kid's point of view, there are some great things about Superman IV.
"Ladies and gentlemen... the ladies of GLOW Wrestling!"
Christopher Reeve still owns the role
One of the best things about Reeve's performance as the Man of Steel is that he's simply a gentleman and a friend. He doesn't overly dissect the character to make him cool or trendy. He's just a super guy.
me in the 80s
The music is fantastic
John Williams wrote some new music for this movie and it was adapted by Alexander Courage. While not as good as the original Superman movie score, it's still awesome to hear that theme play when Superman is doing something super. It brings you into the movie and along for the action.
The movie is visually bright and colorful
Even compared to the first three installments of the series, Superman IV is the one that looks most like a comic book. It's bright, kind of campy, and sometimes over-the-top looking. Just look at Nuclear Man's awful costume. Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous, but so were super heroes and villains in the 80s.
We actually see Superman fight somebody
Sure, the actual fighting sequences between Superman and Nuclear Man are pretty shoddily choreographed, and the visual effects certainly don't help, BUT we actually see Superman in a fight all over the world and on the moon. With a better budget, script, dialogue, and effects, this could have been a pretty cool slug-fest to see on the big screen.
Luthor is a mad genius trying to destroy Superman
Luthor's appearances in Superman and Superman II mostly show him as being obsessed with owning land. But if you look back at many of the comics over the years, Luthor was an evil genius always coming up with new ways to try and destroy the Man of Steel. The idea of Luthor sending Superman's DNA into the sun with a bullshit computer program isn't as far-fetched as you may have believed. Nor are the notions of him shrinking Superman with a shrink-ray gun or swapping his mind with Superman's.
"My eyes are up here, Luthor."
Mariel Hemingway is pretty fun
Okay, Margot Kidder was definitely past her prime for this movie which is probably why sexy Mariel Hemingway was brought in as a love interest for Clark. Back then they knew you don't mess with the Superman/Lois relationship... but Clark was technically considered a different person back then. Hemingway's character (Lacy Warfield) was actually lots of fun. The only thing she was missing was a set of L.L. initials.
This movie features Superman more than any other Superman movie.
Say what? You heard me. In the original Superman movie we don't even see Superman on screen until about the 45-minute mark. Then, in Superman II, he spends a good portion of the movie powerless and out of the costume. Superman III? The less said about it the better, but again, Superman takes a backseat to Clark Kent and Richard Pryor. Superman IV actually has more scenes involving Superman (by percentage of the movie) than any other in the series. Heck, let's even throw Superman Returns in there for good measure. So here, you can see why kids really like Superman IV - they aren't focusing so much on the quality and little details, they're just excited to see Superman being Superman.
So there you have it.
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace ain't so bad because kids like it. And their opinion about a Superman movie is what should be important.
Thanks for reading!
- ryan
a picture in picture of my little guy watching Superman IV and loving it.
There are days that I wonder what is so special about being Canadian. Sure, we have national healthcare and gun control. We invented hockey and don't start wars with anyone. Big deal. If you ask me, the best part about growing up in Canada was the luxury of eating Superman French Fries.
Yup, Superman French Fries. The Man of Steel was no stranger to food tie-ins, having already had his own amazing brand of peanut butter, but these fries were only available in Canada. Funny, considering Superman stands for "Truth, Justice, and the American Way."
Essentially, these were just frozen french fries, similar to McCain Superfries but they had something else very special. You could instantly win a Super Powers action figure. Now, in the early 80s those Super Powers toys were the shit. And I mean quite possibly the best toys ever made. You'd push Superman's legs together and he would punch. Squeeze together the arms of The Flash and his legs would run. Robin would chop, etc, etc. And here you could get a fucking free action figure just for eating french fries! Goddam!
Looking back on the potato slices, I'm always kinda surprized that the Metropolis French Fry Corporation would need Superman to endorse their product. I mean, kids already like french fries. It's not like parents have a hard time getting their kids to eat them. Not like spinach, which needed Popeye as a spokesperson. Why didn't Superman endorse All Bran or rice cakes? When I was a kid, I would've eaten anything Superman solicited.
"Hello youngster. Try this super-flavored bowl of shit puffs!"
"Sure thing Superman! You're the greatest!"
On the back of the fry bag you could even save up UPC labels to mail-away for a free Clark Kent action figure.
Now get this: the only way to get that Clark Kent figure was in the mail. You couldn't go to the nearest Consumers Distributing and expect to find a Clark Kent figure on the shelf, no sir. Remember when you were a kid how excited you'd get if some mail came for you? I used to mail away for special G.I. Joe toys all the time, and when they came to the door it was always the happiest moment of my life. Getting a Kent toy in the mail was like having Superman come to your house for your birthday party.
I'm sad to say I never mailed away for the Clark Kent figure. And to this day I've still never gotten my hands on one.
these are obviously fake
As for the actual french fries in the bag... meh. They just taste like french fries. But, they WERE crinkle cut fries. Long after Superman French Fries were gone I'd still ask my mom to buy Crinkle Cut Fries. Maybe they just give me great memories. My wife doesn't care so much for crinkle cut fries, and she also thought Christopher Reeve was a terrible actor. Just sayin'...
I also have vivid memories of cutting Superman out of the bag and using that little piece of garbage as a toy. We weren't poor, and I had a Superman figure, but for some reason I liked playing with the cut-out from the bag. Maybe it was my first attempts at being crafty.
Lastly, I really think my mother used to tell me if I ate my Superman French Fries that I'd be strong like Superman. And these days, I could really go for a frozen bag of those super memories.
First, I love my kids dearly. With all my heart. They're pretty awesome kids.
As far as roommates go... you know, just people you have to live with.... kids are pretty shitty roommates.
Some days The Lovely Wife and I consider dropping them off at the nearest orphanage.
I used to live with this guy, Joshua Lindsey Mercer Clements, and he was a pretty good roommate. He wasn't perfect; he'd cut his toenails and leave them on the living room table, and he'd dip his toast in ketchup, and I used to have to hide boxes of Lucky Charms under my bed so he wouldn't eat them. But he had a darn good VHS collection and used to steal nachos from the pub he worked at, so we always had something to eat and watch.
But kids... man, if the person you shared an apartment with tried pulling half the stuff kids do, you'd be kicking them out as soon as the month's rent was paid.
They leave their shit everywhere. I mean everywhere. And everything. Toys, socks, snacks... you name it. If you had a roommate who just left their shit lying on the floor, you'd be pretty pissed off. And you know what? Sure, you can tell them to clean it up - but usually you notice it when they're either at school or sleeping. Did the guy you live with leave a tiny Barbie shoe on the floor for you to step on in the dark? Nope? Oh, poor you. If it were a roommate, then you might just get sick of it and throw their shit in the garbage. Take that, you fucking slob! But the kids? It's pretty likely you paid for that shit with your hard earned money. Sure, all parents have used the line, "if you don't pick up these toys then I'm throwing them in the garbage," but we don't follow through with it. That Barbie was, like, fifteen bucks. I'm not about to just throw fifteen smackeroos in the trash to prove a point. If you throw away your roommates junk, you might get a punch in the head, but you won't be out fifteen dollars.
Speaking of wasting money, kids waste food. Food ain't cheap. When you live with friends, there's no wasted food. You need to save every extra nickel for beer. Roommates take all the leftover food and throw it in a pan to make random stir fry. Case in point, you may remember me blogging about Superman cereal and Batman cereal recently. They were tasty. But it should be known that I only bought the Batman cereal because my daughter begged me for it after she loved the Superman cereal. Then she didn't like the Batman cereal at all. And neither did I. But I ate that shit, because I'll be damned if four dollars I spent on cereal was going to waste.
"I don't like this. It tastes yucky."
"Eat it. It's good for you."
"But I'm full."
"No you're not. You've only had two bites."
"My tummy hurts."
"No it doesn't. Fine. Eat two more bites then it's straight to bed."
...ten minutes after dinner...
"Can I have a snack?"
Also, have you ever had that one roommate that rambles on about stuff you don't understand at all and really don't know if you care or not? You know, that one friend that always talks about this other friend you've met maybe once or twice but she talks about them like you're best friends with them too. Kids are kinda like that. Some days I have no idea what my daughter is talking about. And since she started kindergarten, it's gotten worse because she has these friends with really exciting, important lives that I apparently need to know all the details about. And it's all the most important bullshit in the world.
"And Daddy, my friend at school...he says that there are really aliens in outer space because on the weekend he went to the moon and saw them."
She told me this while I was cooking Kraft Dinner one day. There was no lead in or reason for me to know this.
Kids.
They cry about nothing at all and they eat their own boogers, but do so in such an elaborate way that you can't see them do it, but you can totally see them doing it. And when you call them out on it, they wipe their nose on their sleeve when the box of tissues is literally right beside them.
Do you know all the words to "Let It Go"? I sure do, because I've heard that song at least three hundred times now. I even know the different versions, whether it's Edina Minzel of Demi Lovato. Yeah, that's my life now. The funny thing is, my daughter knows all the words too. But these days when she's sauntering around the house singing it, she changes the words and insists they're right. And then when I correct her she tells me I'm wrong and that she knows the words. I shouldn't argue. I shouldn't let it get to me. I should just... I dunno... let it go. But there I am, arguing with a little four year old about the stupid lyrics of a stupid fucking Disney song. Seriously.
I know she's changing the words on purpose. Roommates have done similar things since the dawn of time to try and get the other person to move out. Doing something obnoxious on purpose is the oldest trick in the book. Towards the end of living with Joshua Lindesy Mercer Clements, I used to rearrange his CD collection while he was at work. Not because I wanted him to move out, but because I was just kind of an asshole and liked to see him lose his shit when one CD had been moved out from alphabetical order and swapped with another one. I tinkered with the idea of swapping all the actual discs with other cases, so when he went to listen to Pearl Jam he'd end up with The Nylons instead. But I enjoyed being alive and didn't want him to murder me.
Still, I had it pretty good living with Joshua Lindsey Mercer Clements. I never had to deal with his poo.
Just the other night, my darling daughter called to me from upstairs...
"Daddy, you need to come fix the toilet."
"What's wrong?"
"It won't flush. You need to come and fix it."
"What do you mean it won't flush?"
"I had a big poo and it won't flush and now you need to fix it."
It's a good thing I love my kids. It's also a good thing I got a vasectomy. I wonder if those events are related... we may never know.
I guess my point is, if you need a roommate and you're putting a want ad in the paper for one or something, just be careful. You don't want to end up living with one of your own children by mistake.
About a week or so ago I wrote all about the new Superman cereal to promote Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice. My daughter pretty much devoured the box and then asked if we could try to the Batman cereal as well.
I was hesitant because, well, I didn't really like the idea of chocolate and strawberry together. It just wasn't my cup of tea. Or bowl of cereal in this case. Regardless, she asked me about twenty times if we could get it, so I picked up a box of it. And another box of Superman cereal. That shit was tasty.
You should have seen her face when I picked her up from the school bus and told her I had secured a box of Batman cereal. She lit up like a bat-signal.
The next morning when I woke her up I used the cereal to my advantage. You see, Ryleigh is almost five years old but she's already exhibiting signs that she's a teenage girl. Getting her out of bed in the morning should pretty much be an Olympic event and The Lovely Wife and I deserve at least silver and bronze medals for our efforts every day.
But I had an ace up my sleeve. Or maybe a joker card would be more fitting.
"Ryleigh, wake up. It's time to get ready for school." ".... still tired..." "Get up. Go pee. Brush your teeth. Not at the same time, though. Your mom gave me trouble for that once. Apparently it's gross." "...I just wanna stay in bed...." "Remember, there's Batman cereal downstairs..."
"See kids, if you ask your parents enough times for something they'll cave in and get it for you every time"
She was downstairs in less than five minutes.
So we all had a bowl of this chocolaty-strawberry-cereal. Well, not my son Grayson. He likes his cereal to be just scattered all over the goddamn high chair tray. Good thing he eats his cereal dry. Just like daddy. At first glance, the Batman cereal looks better than the Superman cereal. You can actually tell this is supposed to represent the Dark Knight.
"It tastes like my parents are dead!"
The taste? Not bad. I didn't go wild for it. Ryleigh, who likes milk on her cereal, got halfway through her bowl of Batman cereal and asked me to remove the milk. Hmm. Okay, and after the milk was gone she ate it right up.
So there's all this hype around the movie, and who's going to win the fight between Batman and Superman. You can hashtag on Twitter who you think will win, and blah blah blah. I don't think either of them will win in the movie, because they need to put the Justice League together. None of that matters though, because we're talking about cereal.
Naturally, with the competition in the movie it seems only fitting to pick which cereal was better. Everyone's taste buds are a little different, remember. The next morning when I woke Ryleigh up for breakfast I asked her if she wanted some more Batman cereal.
"Nah, I think I'll have Superman cereal this morning."
Folks, we have a winner.
Thanks for reading!
- ryan
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na no artificial flavoring!
Today we take a look at eleven rich people. Four of them just so happened to be bald. Coincidence? That could be a blog for another day. But really, if you've got all that money, you could afford a wig that at least looked real. Oh well, enjoy this list!
#11 - Richie Rich (Harvey Comics)
Sadly, Richie Rich used to be worth more than he is. Yeah, that poor little bastard spent forty million dollars in one candy shop. But don't think he's a spoiled little rich brat. While he may have inherited millions from his parents' fortune, Richie is always willing to share the wealth. Approximate Total Wealth: $2.3 Billion Dollars
#10 - Lou Bond (Full House)
Lou Bond used to live in the Tanner house when he was just a kid. After making millions in business he decided he wanted his old house back. The whole Tanner family was willing to sell, except for Michelle, who's little heart turned out to be the one thing Lou's money couldn't afford. Fucking idiot. Approximate Total Wealth: $2.6 Billion Dollars
#9 - Lex Luthor (Superman)
The only thing Luthor has more of than money is hatred towards The Man of Steel. Luthor has been able to buy whatever he wants his whole life. Women, cars, and people's morals are all possessions to ol' baldy. As the CEO of Lexcorp, Luthor practically owns half of Metropolis. Approximate Total Wealth: $3.1 Billion Dollars
#8 - Billy Madison (Billy Madison)
Billy, the heir to the Madison Hotels fortune, wasn't just handed his wealth. No, he had to work for it by re-doing his entire school career, from kindergarten to high school. Another wealthy man, with a good heart, he isn't shy about throwing parties for his friends. Approximate Total Wealth: $5.2 Billion Dollars
#7 - Scrooge McDuck (Duck Tales)
Scrooge McDuck has so much money that he can swim in it... and he does! Everyone in Duckberg wants their hands on Scrooge's money, but luckily since Scrooge is a good person he gets help from his three nephews and Gizmo-Duck. Approximate Total Wealth: $5.2 Billion Dollars + One lucky penny
#6 - Willy Wonka (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory)
Okay, the dude owns his own amazing chocolate factory. He can have pretty much anything he wants. But what he really needed in the end was a good friend like Charlie. Though, having a glass elevator that can go pretty much anywhere is also pretty rad. Imagine the dates you could have in that thing! Approximate Total Wealth: $7.9 Billion Dollars
#5 - Prince Akeem (Coming To America)
Akeem was so rich that he could've had anything he wanted in his home country. But he knew the only way to find true love would be to live like an ordinary man in Queens, New York.
Remember, when you think of garbage, think of Akeem! Approximate Total Wealth: $12.7 Billion Dollars
#4 - Batman (Batman... duh!)
By day he poses at Bruce Wayne, the only child of Thomas and Martha Wayne. He's the owner of Wayne Enterprises. But he takes his piles of money and uses them to get awesome gadgets for fighting crime. You'd think he would use some of that moolah to make people forget about the awful Batman & Robin movie. Approximate Total Wealth: $19.9 Billion Dollars
#3 - Mr. Burns (The Simpsons)
If you're going to go big, go nuclear! It certainly doesn't hurt that Mr. Burns is like one hundred years old. He's had a lot of time to invest that money. He uses his money and power to watch over Springfield with his echoing vampire-like laugh. The city is pretty much already his, but the residents just don't know it yet. Approximate Total Wealth: $34.7 Billion Dollars
#2 - Daddy Warbucks (Annie)
Warbucks said it himself "I'm richer than Midas" in the song "I Don't Need Anything" from the Annie movie. He may not have the golden touch, but his billiard-ball head and oodles of money don't mean anything without his little orphan Annie. It also doesn't hurt to have a bad-ass like Punjab hanging around protecting your assets, both physical and monetary.
Approximate Total Wealth: $42.8 Billion Dollars
#1 - "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase (WWF)
When DiBiase wasn't allowed to buy the WWF Championship, he did the next best thing. He created his own championship belt. The Million Dollar Belt is all gold and diamonds. DiBiase has so much cash kicking around that he could freely stuff $100 bills down peoples throats. He has his own personal bodyguard, Virgil, that will do anything for him. And he has the most vicious sounding laugh. Everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man. Approximate Total Wealth: $72.8 Billion + The Million Dollar Belt
I can't believe you came to Paris
Was it just to see me?
I held you so tight to never let go
Freshly-squeezed, I'm so greedy
I stared while you left again
I love watching you work
I scribble your name in my office
Reporting about you is my perk
Just say you love me
I will not kneel before another
When my world crumbles around me
I know you'll be my saviour
Remember when we pretended we were married?
See, you CAN read my mind
Sorry to make you sleep on the complementary couch
How could I have been so blind?
And you're the one with the specs
Two become one, freshly-squeezed
I see this only getting more complex
But for now, let's be pleased
I watched you voluntarily lose your world
You looked so in pain it made me cry
You did it all for me... for us
And we made love just you and I
Freshly-squeezed, start a life together
"Excuse me sir, would you care to step outside?"
The odds, three to one, but still you win
My heart collapses when worlds collide
I didn't close my eyes at all last night
You tell me that I'll meet somebody
Only you makes me feel like I'm flying
I'm jealous that you belong to everybody
Freshly Squeezed, I want us to be
I don't know what to say
Just say that you love me
I'm pretty excited for Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice, but when I saw some ads for the two new cereal tie-ins, I said to myself, there's no fucking way I'm buying those. That's just stupid.
Then the other day I was grocery shopping with the family and saw them on the shelf. And I actually saw the last box of each kind the store had. Superman's is a Caramel Crunchy Thing that apparently looks like puppy kibble and then Batman's is chocolate and strawberry together.
How either of these are supposed to represent the characters I'll never know.
Batman's cereal at least looks like something you'd expect from Batman - small black bats. Superman's though, tries to look like the diamond shape for the "S" emblem. And that's all it does is try. Maybe they were "hoping" that we'd just go along with it. See what I did there? Hope? Superman's "S"? Hope? Get it? Get it?
You don't get it.
So anyway, I saw these boxes of cereal before my kids did and pretty much shit my pants with excitement. I couldn't explain it in the moment, but eventually realized that these cereals made me feel like a kid again. You see, when I was a kid, I had Superman French Fries and Superman Peanut Butter. That shit was real. And tasty. You can YouTube some commercials for Superman Peanut Butter if you don't believe me. And it's not like some of the other movie tie-ins you see these days - Star Wars, Frozen, Avengers characters on Honey Comb, Shreddies, and Frosted Flakes.
Shake yo' S, watch yo-self, shake yo' S, Save the Daily Planet
Fuck no, these are Superman and Batman's own cereal.
It's not just a box of Sugar Crisp with a picture of Superman on it. This is a cereal inspired (somehow, though I still don't really get it) by The Man of Goddam Steel. That's way more awesome, and makes me far more interested in trying it.
(Side fun fact - in the mid-90s when I was at the height of my nerdy collecting, I had a box of Corn Flakes with Val Kilmer's Batman on the box. I saved that box of cereal for about four or five years because I thought it might be worth money some day. Then when I was living on my own for the first time and hungry because I spent all my food money on booze, I opened up that old-ass box of cereal and ate it. Didn't shit right for a few days after.)
"Who's better, Batman or Superman?"... "Elsa and Anna."
Back to the adventure!
So I grabbed both boxes to let my daughter Ryleigh pick which cereal we should get. I'm a bigger Superman fan at heart, so I thought it would be fair to let her pick. I wasn't going to buy both, because that doesn't set a very good parenting example. Don't get me wrong though, if there was another dad eyeing them up behind me, ready to pounce on whichever one I didn't choose, then I would have bought them both. Fuck him, whoever he may be in my imagination of events that didn't happen, but could have.
Ryan: "Okay Ryleigh, should we get the Chocolate Strawberry Batman, or the Caramel Crunch Superman cereal?" Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmmmmm......." Ryan: "Batman or Superman?" Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmm...... ummmmmm......" The Lovely Wife: "...what do either of those flavors have to do with the characters..." Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmmmm....." Ryan: "Okay, we're getting Superman. You took too long to decide." Ryleigh: "But!...."
And that people, is how you parent.
Oh no! It's Kryptonite!
So we tried the cereal this morning. I ate it dry, and Ryleigh had it with milk. She must have really liked it, because she downed it all in half the time it normally takes her to eat. She eats about as fast as... I dunno, I've got no comparison here. She eats very slowly.
I really liked it too. Tasted good.
The boxes are neat, with textured logos and eye-popping visuals. If you're like me and you read too much into everything you see, you might notice that the Caramel Crunchy bits are popping right out of Superman's crotch area. Fucking weirdo aliens.
I'd recommend trying it if you see it, if only because it's something you've never had before. And you can hum the Superman music while eating it. It really did bring me back to the days of Superman French Fries and Peanut Butter. I'm not going to say this cereal is "super" because that would be... awww fuck it, this cereal is super.
It's that time of year again, when I open up my heart and let you in on all my Christmas wishes for this holiday season. While some of these may seem a little far-reaching, or even unattainable, I'd like to remind you that in the past I wished for several things that did come true (a Stanley Cup in Boston in 2011, the Ruby-Spears Superman cartoon on DVD, and a new Aerosmith album, just to name a few). And of course there's one item that has eluded me since Christmas 1999. So, as usual, we'll start there.
A Goddam Frigging Uncle Jesse Doll
Look, there's something that can be said about being persistent. This doll has been at the top of my Christmas Wish List for just about forever (...and I'd ask the sky just what we had...), and I haven't gotten it yet. Not either version of the bloody thing. Originally I was simply asking for the Rockin' Uncle Jesse. The one with the guitar and red shirt. The guitar opens up to show pictures of Jesse's family. These days, though, I feel as though my Christmas Wish has compounded interest and I won't settle for just the Rockin' Jesse. Nope, I want the four-pack of dolls that include Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, and the twins. I've seen these on eBay for about $200, still in their packaging. I'm not picky. They don't need to still be in the package. I'd just take them out and play with them anyway. So, if everyone would just chip in a few bucks, my Christmas wish could come true. Now, I also realize that I could drop my own money on these toys, and that's okay, but here's the thing - I really want this given to me as a gift. I want someone to find this doll somewhere and think of me. Please, don't spend two hundred bucks on a toy. Unless you want me to love you forever (...because I'll be so happy loving you...).
There's plenty of mercy to be had by all!
More Beer from Wychwood Brewery
I'm a big fan of Hobgoblin, and
all of it's ugly sisters. Seriously, King Goblin makes me all happy
inside. Even Hobgoblin Gold is a nice afternoon ale. The Wychwood
Brewery has been making quality beers for the better half of my legal
adulthood. The one exception is "Scarecrow", which is a fucking horrid
piece of shit beer. Stop brewing it, guys. I'd like to see a return of
Fiddler's Elbow and Black Wych, or an easier way to get Imperial Red
than buying a gift pack that includes a bottle of Scarecrow. So let's
see what else these brew masters can come up with. Maybe something with
a dragon on the label? Or a fire-breathing unicorn drinking blood? I
know! A one-eyed rabbit! Those guys are awesome. Keep up the good non-Scarecrow brews!
Christopher Reeve as Superman again
He'd whoop Batman's ass.
A few years back, some of the lost Superman IV: The Quest For Peace footage turned up as bonus material on a DVD release, but it wasn't all of it. I'd really like to see that movie in it's entirety, even if it is a piece of shit. Even if the graphics are awful, and the story is boring, and the actors are just phoning it in. To me, it's another chance to see Christopher Reeve as Superman. Hell, I'd even settle for someone using some nifty animation to fill in the gaps of the story. But why stop there? Why not make some direct-to-DVD animated features in the style of the classic Superman movies? There were plot ideas for Superman battling with Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk, and since CGI is good enough now to pull it off, all you'd need is some voice-alikes to make it all work. Brandon Routh even sounded like Reeve when he did Superman Returns. I'd buy them. I'd watch them. I think it's something that would make us all happy. Note: In the meantime, there's a very good fan video on YouTube of Christopher Reeve's Superman battling the Hulk. You should watch it. A Lifetime Supply of Almonds
This one shouldn't be too hard to take care of. Let's suppose I eat thirty whole almonds each day. We then multiply that by how many days I expect to live, and it just becomes an easy math equation. We let "A" represent almonds, "R" represent me, and ... and... math is hard.
don't forget to carry the one!
naughty time with you, me, and the lovely wife
I'm just gonna leave this here until she gives me trouble for it.
...or how about just a goddam Uncle Jesse doll? Is it too much to ask?
Ah, August 13, 1993... the year I turned thirteen on a Friday the 13th.
What a glorious day it was, indeed. At least in my mind I seem to think it was. As I sifted thru photos looking for some to accompany this blog all about my thirteenth birthday, I realized I don't have any. The early 90's weren't like today. Not everyone had a camera in their phone to take photos of every little detail of their mundane lives. And the phone was attached to the kitchen wall anyway.
Also, it occurred to me as I did some fact-checking that I kinda lump my 11th and 13th birthdays together in my mind. I often reminisce about how on my thirteenth birthday I was given my first little boom box cassette player and the new Spin Doctors tape, "Pocket Full of Kryptonite." I'm also warmed by fond memories of being given a cassette single for Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You", and how my friends and I all played a WWF Wrestling Challenge board game with the Ultimate Warrior featured on the box. But all of that stuff really occurred in 1991, not '93.
Where the hell did my memories go?
So when I think a bit harder about all of it, I vaguely remember having a couple friends over for a sleepover, watching "Cool World" and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" on VHS, drinking an entire case of Loeb Cola, and having pizza.
My friend Brian sneaked in some dirty porno magazines that he stole from his older brother's room and we gazed over them in the basement after my parents went to sleep.
My twelfth birthday gets lost in the mix of it all, because my sister's wedding was two days after so there wasn't time to have a party or anything like that. Luckily, the WWF was in town on my birthday and I saw the Ultimate Warrior fight Papa Shango. However, after trying to Google anything about it, I can't find a single thing about the WWF coming to my town on my birthday.
I'm actually starting to think this never existed and it was all made up in my mind.
Being thirteen was pretty good, and it lasted about a year until I turned fourteen.
And hey, here's a photo that isn't at all from my thirteenth birthday.
