Patrick (The Suicidal Christmas Elf)

...I started coming up with this random song the other day for a complete stranger.  She turned out to be a representative working for Mental Health, and besides finding me fascinating she thought I also had a killer smile.  Killer, in that handsome way.  Not in such a way that I was going to kill her.  That would have been awkward.

So I decided to actually write a full set of lyrics.  Imagine a folk song playing along.  Check it out.

Patrick (The Suicidal Christmas Elf)
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Chorus:

*artist's rendering

Oh, he tried to hang himself with garland
He attempted to slice his wrists with candy canes
He's tried about a hundred ways to kill himself
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf

Oh, once upon a time in the far north pole
Amongst the reindeer and jolly Ol' Saint Nick
Was an elf who always checked his death wish list twice
The smiling, laughing, full of cheer Patrick
Until the day when his Christmas spirit dwindled
And he drank too much Egg Nog before his sleigh ride
Then he picked a knife fight with three wise men
And so began his advent calendar of suicide

Chorus

Well, Patrick always had bad Mondays
But then came the Tuesday he went loco
All the other toy makers were quite shocked to find
That he poisoned his own cup of hot cocoa
So what made his Blue Christmas turn red?
And why'd he try to blow up his gingerbread home?
If being a toy making elf didn't work out
Perhaps he could get work as a garden gnome

*artist's rendering

Chorus

Well, Patrick had the eyes for Santa's daughter
Her name was Jingle Belle and she was so pretty
But Patrick's heart froze when he saw his friend
Laying Jingle Belle under the Christmas tree

Chorus

For a while he was fixated on asphyxiation
He's also tried bazookas and the kitchen knife
Of all the times he's tried with no success
Is he really that poor at taking his own life?

Oh, he tried to hang himself with garland
He attempted to slice his wrists with candy canes
He's tried about a hundred ways to kill himself
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Ohhhhhhhhh, he even tried suffocation with a stocking
He let himself be crushed with the shop's toy shelf
But that pointy eared bastard's still alive and well
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Yes, Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Oh Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf

And he still ain't dead.