Everyone loves a long weekend!
Unless you work in fast food or a coffee shop, in which case you truly believe that everyone can just fuck the hell off with their silly family plans and cottage time. So what are some great things to do with your long weekend? Here are eleven ways to kill seventy-two hours.
11. Fireworks
If that's your sort of thing, then fireworks can be a fun time. Personally the appeal wore off for me after I learned that it wasn't a space battle above my head. Fireworks can suck my ass.
10. Catch up with a classic TV show
Are you the type that doesn't have any friends? No problem! You can watch approximatel seven seasons of a sitcom over your long weekend. Maybe eight if you don't leave the couch to make poopie. That's pretty much all of ALF or Family Matters.
9. Eat Your Weight In Sushi
While this could be interpreted as an everyday thing, it's more fun to think of as a long weekend task. "Hey guys, I'm going to eat my entire weight in sushi," you'd say as you receive applause from all of your friends and admirers.
8. Win A Beauty Contest
Notice how I didn't say "enter a beauty contest"? That's right, I may be a big fan of Monopoly, but I don't want you to get ten bucks for second place. If you're going to spend all weekend at a beauty contest, you might as well win the fucking thing.
7. Get Sewing
If there's someone in your life you don't like, and trust me when I say we all have them, you can use this long weekend to break into their house while they are away and sew all of their pant legs shut. Then sew their shirt sleeve holes shut. Then tie their shoe-laces together. That'll show them for calling you a sissy sewing boy.
6. Bite Somebody
If they bite back, then you've just made a new friend and you can get to know each other better while you wait at the free clinic to see if your immunisations are up to date.
5. Go Fishing
There's this place I've heard about called Plenty of Fish. I'm no expert or anything, but they probably have at least a few fish there. So do your best and hope you don't come home with just worms.
4. Get A Little Closer To The Good Lord
Not too close though, just close enough that the next time you need someone to help you move you can call up the Jesus and he'll be there for you, buddy. He's probably not even too picky about the type of pizza and beer you bribe him with.
3. Read The Novelization of a Movie That Was Based on a Book Inspired By Real Courtroom Journals
Yes, these things exist. No, I'm not the one writing them.
2. Clean The Garage
...and I mean really get in there and clean it. When was the last time you scrubbed the back of the lightswitch cover? Get to work you juvenile delinquent.
1. Dig A Hole
Go on, be a real man for a change and dig a hole. You don't even need to do anything with it afterwards. Just stand there and admire the hole you've dug. Pat yourself on the back too. That was a job well done and you know it. Good hole diggin'.
Thanks for reading and have a safe long weekend.
- ryan
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