Skin

Here's a new poem that was recently featured in Ryan Fan Club Newzinetter #2.  I hope you all enjoy it as much as you enjoy cold pizza on a Sunday morning.

Skin
written by ryan of the ryan fan club

It's only skin
It comes and it goes
Peels at my fingers
And falls off my toes
It keeps me warm
And protects my heart
Not a canvas
To display my art
My skin is dying
From the moment of birth
It's probably for sale
But what is it worth
It's coarse like my soul
Having once been in vain
It may give you pleasure
But it's given me pain
And when it all fades
On my final terms
My skin will be buried
And eaten by worms

If you haven't already had a chance to check out the new RFC Newzinetter, you can do so at http://www.ryanfanclub.com.... you should really do it before you're an old geezer and regret it forever.  Or just click on the picture below. Same difference.

The Punchbuggy Bible

(Revised Edition)
A few years back I compiled an official rulebook for the The Punchbuggy game.  Over time, like all sports, the rule book needs to be revised.  Certain events happen that make you question a rule, or require an alteration to a rule.  I recently took another look at the Guide To Punchbuggies and made some tweaks to help you with physically abusing your friends and family in the proper manner.

Enjoy.

Section 1 - The Outburst

1-1 -In the event of seeing a punchbuggy, the infiltrator (the person who instigates the punch) shall call out the buggy in a manner that which describes it. Example: Red Punchbuggy, No Punch Backs!

1-2 - Punchbuggies can also be called by other features that describe them as being special. Example: Mug Root Beer Punchbuggy, No Punch Backs!

1-3 - Failure to call the "No Punch Backs" leaves you completely open for a punch that can be as hard as your opponent(s) desires.

1-4 - Punchbuggies in a Volkswagen dealership lot are considered "Held in Captivity", and are unavailable for use in the Punchbuggy game. Using one of these buggies is a violation of the rules and must result in the same revenge as rule #4-3.

1-5 - Punchbuggies on television or in photographs, no matter how cool they may be, are not allowed to be used for scoring. Example: You cannot hit someone for the Herbie car while watching "Herbie Fully Loaded", but you can hit someone for seeing a REAL Punchbuggy that looks like Herbie.

There's a masturbation joke somewhere here, I just can't seem to find it.

Section 2 - Tally That Score

2-1 -New Punchbuggies are valued at One (1) Point each. Slugging someone and calling it correctly will give you one point to add on your daily scoreboard.

2-2 - Fancy-Schmancy Buggies (convertible, decorated with ads, multi-colored, missile launcher added) are worth Two (2) Points each.

2-3 - Classic Buggies (a.k.a. "Old-Skool") are valued at Five (5) Points each.

2-4 - By chance if you come across two buggies together, perhaps side by side in a parking lot or back to back on the street, you can effectively call "Double Buggie" after you exclaim, "No Punch Backs."  A double buggie is exactly that - you double the points of the buggies you have hit your opponent for.  This then applies to "Triple Buggie", in which you can triple the points for three punchbuggies in a row, and so on and so on.

2-5 - Scoring continues until the end of the day, in which the score is reset to zero (0) for each person. This is where your own judgement comes in. The game could not possibly have scores reset at midnight, for example, because one could be winning with a score of 4-3 only to have those points reset before your day has come to and end. Typically, the score is reset to zero when you have fallen asleep for the night.

Section 3 - Tie Braking

3-1 -In the event of two players punching each other and calling at the same time, the victory must be decided via Rock, Paper, Scissors (No dynamite, and no two-out-of-three).

3-2 - If you or your opponent have no hands, then a simple foot race around the block will suffice for the tie break.

Section 4 - Revenge, Sweet Revenge

4-1 -If someone punches you after you have claimed "No Punch Backs" you are legally and morally allowed to punch them again. Repeat as many times as it takes until they stop punching you back when you have clearly called "No Punch Backs".

4-2 - If someone punches you for a car that is in fact not a Punchbuggy you are entitled by all that is good and Holy to punch them back 10 times.

4-3 - At no time will you punch someone for a buggy that has already been called during that day. Doing so gives your opponent the God Given Right to hit you really, really hard. Suck it up, and wait until the next day to use that Buggy again.

Section 5 - Color Disputes

5-1 -There are some Punchbuggies that are odd in color. There's this one that is clearly yellow to me but my lovely wife says it's green. But fuck, it's definitely yellow. However, I enjoy sleeping in my bed and not on the couch so I let her have her green victory every now and again. Gentlemen, keep your women happy. But not too happy, we don't want them to think they can start voting or anything.

5-2 - Sometimes a dark blue can look like black. And vice versa. Use your own judgement when someone makes a mistake. You can choose to just let them have their point because of how close the color was, or you can return the punch with full force and correct their blurry eyes once and for all.

Remember, like all games, The Punchbuggy game is meant to have fun and hurt your friends.  If you truly like your friends, you'll hit them with all you've got.
- ryan of the ryan fan club

What It's Like To Fall In Love

With Valentine's Day almost here, I find myself reflecting on the one hundred years or so that my lovely wife and I have now been together.  Did I say one hundred years?  Maybe it's only ninety-nine.  Time sure does fly.

2002.

I met my lovely wife in the summer of 2002.  We were high school sweethearts.  And by that I mean she was still in high school and I was not anymore.  I'm nearly five years older than her.  At the time I took a lot of flack for it, but hey, I ended up marrying that girl so I guess the moral is... well.... I don't know.

The first time I met my lovely wife, she was working at a convenience store.  I bought a drink and a pack of gum.  This is an important detail to the story, so pay attention. Future Lovely Wife was so enamored by my hotness and raw sexual aura that she fumbled around and only charged me nine cents for the pack of gum.

Score! 

Hey, even if this relationship never went anywhere I could at least say I got a really good deal on a pack of gum.

Believe it or not, I never asked her out.  We got to talking on the phone a lot, and on ICQ (uh-oh!) and it turned out that while she'd had boyfriends before she'd never actually been out on a real date.  Future Lovely Wife had a great rack and gave off all the right signals, so I told her I was going to take her to dinner and a movie.

And I did just that.  But first, a stop in the park - because, really, what's more romantic than taking a seventeen year old girl to a boring park when you promised her dinner and a movie?  You got it - convincing her to give you a sweet back massage in the park!  And gosh darn that was a good back rub.  This was where we shared our first passionate kiss.
(On a side note, when I finally proposed to her years later so she could become Lovely Fiance I did so in the same park.  I'm a sucker for nostalgia and tradition)

So I took her to dinner at Frankie Pesto's.  It's always been a great date spot.  Vines on the wall.  Sinatra playing while you eat.  And, since I don't drive, there's a very convenient bus stop only a few feet away from the restaurant.

The movie of choice was The Master of Disguise, starring Dana Carvey.  You may have noticed it showed up on my Top 11 Romantic Movies list, only because it was from our first date.  That movie is otherwise complete and total shit.  But, if you think about it, that movie needed to be total shit in order for us to not want to watch it.   I mean, seriously, can you imagine if your first date movie was something like Star Wars?  You don't want to actually watch the movie during a first date, but at the same time it's fucking Star Wars.  That bloody classic deserves your attention.  Unless, of course, it's The Phantom Menace, then by all means start making out.

And that's what we did, because The Master of Disguise is a waste of film, and there were only five or six other people in the same theater as us.  We sucked face in the theater during a shitty movie where Dana Carvey repeats the line, "turtle turtle turtle."  Boy, do I know how to show a girl a good time.

Our hot make-out session was only interrupted for a moment by two little girls.  They were at the movie with their parents a couple rows ahead of us and took the time to inform said parents that we were, indeed, "ewwww kissing!" And those two little girls grew up to be Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus.  Okay, that last part is a total lie, but I'm sure they remember more about The Master of Disguise than I do.
(Side note number two... I bought The Master of Disguise on DVD for Lovely Wife one year for our anniversary.  We've still never sat through the entire thing)

There was an awkward moment during the movie though.  Future Lovely Wife was concerned that I wasn't having a good time because I kept getting up, leaving, and then coming back.  She thought maybe I didn't really like her... even though I had already stuck my tongue in her mouth by this point.  Silly. In all actuality, I was starting to get the flu and I kept running to the washroom to blow my nose.  I didn't want her to see me blow my nose.  Thought it would ruin my chances of getting in her pants later.  Am I right, ladies?  Exactly.

After the movie I took her back to my place.  Okay, I took her back to my PARENTS place because I had moved back home for a little while.  This was an opportunity for Future Lovely Wife to meet my mom and dad, even though it was now close to midnight.  Mom was asleep.  Dad was awake when we came through the front door, and he was in his tighty-whities, peeing with the door open.  For the whole world to see.

This is where I'd like to end the story of my first date with Lovely Wife, and I'd love to be able to do so in some classic Disney-ish fashion, where we share another passionate kiss and promise ourselves to each other forever and ever.  Instead, I tried to get in her pants.  But that's tough to do when you live with your parents.  Some things take a little more time.

And hey, would'ja look at that - I ended up marrying her.  Now that's a love story.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

For Hallowe'en she was Supergirl and I was Johnny Depp.

Top 11 Romantic Movies

Yes, Valentine's Day is almost here.  It's a day in which many of us take those we love out to dinner and a movie.  The big talk is all about Fifty Shades of Grey being this V-Day's must-see controversial movie.  I dunno, I'd probably watch it on blu-ray when it comes out.  Besides, my lovely wife is going with one of her girlfriends to see it on Friday night.  Any way, if you don't have tickets for it or you don't want to watch it, here are 11 other VERY romantic movies for a nice, "stay in and order pizza and a movie" kind of Valentine's Day.  There's something on this list for everyone. 

11. Edward Scissorhands
10. Grumpier Old Men
9. Chasing Amy
8. The Master of Disguise
7. Saved By The Bell: Wedding In Las Vegas
6. Don't Tell My Wife I Assfucked The Babysitter Vol. 15
5. Cocktail
4. How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days
3. The Wedding Singer
2. Somewhere In Time
1. Rocky 

Love Songs - My Five Faves

As we get closer and closer to Valentine's Day, it's time to take a look at some great love songs.

#5 - Andrew W.K. - "I Love NYC"

#4 - Oscar The Grouch - "I Love Trash"

#3 - Huey Lewis & The News - "The Power of Love"

#2 - Bruce McCulloch - "I Love My Answering Machine"

#1 - Aerosmith - "Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)"

Bonus: Ryan Fan Club's "I Love Boobies (And You Should Too)"

 

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Let's Just F.

Here's something new, in honor of February being the month of good lovin' and Valentine's Day. The first little bit of this poem popped up recently in the new Ryan Fan Club Newzinetter #1.

Let's Just F.

Written by ryan of the ryan fan club

Romance is in the air and it's Saturday night

You're so beautiful in that dim moonlight

My tired, sore eyes now have a sight

How'd a guy like me get a woman so right

And then you sip on that glass of wine

Just slow enough to tease what's about to come

A quick glance for me, then glance away

Oh I'm so wrapped around your thumb

Another sip of sparkling wine

I'd love to be that glass on your lips

Still get a little nervous, it's true

When you surround me with your hips

Gotta keep it together

Gotta catch my breath

And then I catch your breath 

As your soft kiss touches my neck

I'm in the mood for sweet love

And you know it's just my luck

Then you look me in the eyes and whisper

Let's just fuck...

Now the candles aren't the only things giving off heat
And your ten painted toes are all curled
Your dress slowly crashes to the floor and it's clear

We're the only two people in the world
Then together we become one in the shadows
Our fingers intermingled with desire
You're making those sounds I so long to hear
This foreplay has set us on fire
And on top you've positioned yourself
I lean back to gaze upon your beauty, and I'm awestuck
Then I softly begin to profess my love
Your finger presses on my lip as you say, let's just fuck...

...now wasn't that romantic?

Justice League: Throne of Atlantis

Aquasideburns

Wow, someone finally managed to make Aquaman kinda cool.

In the newest direct-to-Blu-ray DC Comics feature, Justice League: Throne of Atlantis, the Super Friends have to do battle with a bunch of mer-people while making friends with the king of the seas.  A dude who can talk to fish.  And actually has killer sideburns.

Normally I try and grab these DC Animated movies on release day, but I just didn't have that desire for Throne of Atlantis.  And not just because it's Aquaman and, according to Raj on Big Bang Theory, "Aquaman sucks."  I wasn't too thrilled with Justice League: WAR, and I'm still kinda hung up on the Justice League Unlimited series ending all those years ago.  Otherwise, most of the DC Animated features have been very enjoyable, with 2009's Wonder Woman still topping my list.

So I was out shopping last night for baby stuff, and saw both Throne of Atlantis and a Blu-Ray of E.T. The Extra Terrestrial and said, fuck it I'll buy them both.

Throne of Atlantis was pretty good, with the spotlight definitely being on Aquaman.  I was hoping for more of a presence from Superman since he's my all-time favorite but that wasn't really there.  I did quite enjoy his little date with Wonder Woman though, but this definitely wasn't a movie about Kal-El.  To be honest, we've got enough of those as it is.  As you may remember from my JLA Crisis In Time review, I actually quite like seeing the secondary DC characters shine.

The animation in Throne was the usual quality from Warner Bros, and the voice acting was also what you'd expect.  I was really excited to see that an old Filmation Aquaman episode was included as one of the bonus features.  That really made my morning.  There were a couple bonus Aqua-themed episodes from Brave & The Bold too, which is awesome to have, even if I already have them on other DVD sets.

Shazaman, Green Lanternman, Wonder Womanman, Aquaman, Superguy, Batsuitman, Flashman, Not-Martian Manhunter

What fell short for me was the actual Throne story.  You get that typical super-hero fare where someone finds out they have a destiny to live up to, and by the end of the 74 minutes they're really to go do battle with every baddie they can imagine.  At no point was there really any examining what Aquaman felt when he learned that he was going to rule Atlantis.  Just all of a sudden he's like, allright...I'm king now... of a place I've never been before... shit yeah.

But, I guess we're all okay with suspending disbelief for people who can fly and become half robotic or breathe under water in the first place.

Check this little movie out, the action in it is pretty rad.  Oh, and Aquaman's sideburns really are pretty rad.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Top 11 80's Action Heroes

Everyone loves a good action flick.  And the best action movies came straight outta the 80s.  If you disagree then you're wrong.  So I've compiled a list of the best 80's Action Heroes.

But wait, there's certain criteria and rules to follow here.
Rule A: The character must be from an 80's movie.
Rule B: The character must ONLY be in an 80's movie, thus eliminating the possibility of such favorites as Indiana Jones, The Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, Batman, Martin Riggs, and Superman.  You see, they all had sequels in the 90s or the series started in the 70s.

11. Lt. Marion Cobretti (Cobra)
10. Dean Youngblood (Youngblood)
9. Bruce (They Call Me Bruce?)
8. Rip (No Holds Barred)
7. Daniel Larusso (The Karate Kid I-III)
6. Stargrove (Never Too Young To Die)
5. Jack (Legend)
4. Dalton (Road House)
3. Mad Martigan (Willow)
2. John Matrix (Commando)
1. Action Jackson (Action Jackson)

So I hope you've enjoyed this quick Top 11.  I'll consider doing a 90's version, but those 90's action flicks just don't have the same pizazz as the eighties ones.
- ryan of the ryan fan club.

My Letter To Skeletor

Dear Skeletor,

I'm writing back to you in regards to your request to borrow five bucks from me.

I don't get it, dude.  You're one of the evil Masters of the Universe.  What do you need five bucks from me for?  Is this some kind of Eternian Pyramid scheme?  These things never work out well for anyone.  You should really consider putting your money to better uses.

Wait, if you're compiling funds for another attack on Castle Grayskull then just stop now.  You have yet to come up with a great follow up to the Diamond Ray of Disappearance.  Skeletor, I'm telling you as a friend here... the Diamond Ray was the best shot you ever had at capturing Grayskull.  And it was your first attempt.  Maybe you should think about conquering another castle.  At least for now.

If you really need money, you could always consider getting a part-time job.  But heads up, don't apply to work at Target.  They're closing all their stores here in Canada, so I can only assume it's a matter of time before they start chopping jobs in the States too.  Then, it won't be long and the Target store on Eternia will be gone.  For some reason, I think I heard somewhere that the Target in the Fright Zone will be safe.  But that's a long daily commute for you to do just to work those four-hour shifts.

Did you think about asking Hordak for the money?  I know it's a long-shot, but hey, you never know.

And I know what you're thinking, it's only five bucks.  But I gotta tell you, since having this second baby we're trying not to excessively spend.  So that means my days of funding evil super-villains on the side is on hiatus.  Whatever you do, don't drop my name around Cobra Commander.  He didn't take it so well when he asked me for bus fare and I said no. 

So, again, I'm really sorry I can't help you out this time.  But keep me in mind if you plan on invading Trolla in about three years time.  I might be able to help then.

Your friend,
Ryan of the Ryan Fan Club

PS - if you need money to buy some face cream, I have a few open containers around here that were too sensitive for my skin. I'm not saying this to make you jealous.  You can have them if you want 'em.

Time For A Bum Change

....something smells funny

"He needs his bum changed."

What the fuck does that even mean?  I know, obviously, my lovely wife is referring to how my child has soiled his diaper with a big, stinky, yellow-ish kinda poo and it's my turn to put a new clean diaper on him.  On average, I get every ninth or tenth poo-diaper.  The odds are usually in my favor.

Not bad.

Not something I'd take to Vegas though either.

We're not the only parents who refer to this as, "Changing their bum."  Somewhere along the way we've all stopped referring to diapers as diapers.  Well, except for when we're shelling out too much money for some combination of paper and cotton that will inevitably be shit in and tossed away.

Diapers and toilet paper.  It's amazing how much money we spend on those things considering what we do with them.  We're quite the culture.  We take very special care of our bum holes.

So... what if we could actually change a baby's bum?

Instead of putting on a new Pampers diaper - and let's not kid ourselves here, I'm a Pampers dad.  It's the only brand of diapers I buy.  Fuck Huggies.  They fucking leak everywhere.  So instead of putting on a new Pampers diaper, imagine you could just remove the child's rear end and put a new one on it in it's place.  We can't be that far away from that reality.  I have to believe in my heart that the Diaper Genie company is working on a Baby Bum Attachment.  Kind of like a poo catcher.  And at the end of the day you'd just take it off and replace it with a new one at bedtime.

Let's be realistic here.  That thing doesn't exist yet.  But let's be more realistic.  When it does exist it'll come with a spot to insert a Glade scented plug-in and a dock to charge your cellphone too.  Then you can listen to your favorite music coming out of your baby's bum like speakers.  And who knows, the little pride n' joy might just shake his booty to the beat.

"Looks like I'm getting a text from my little boy.  Nope.  He just shit himself again."

Stop laughing.  That's terrible. 

A sophisticated little man is allowed to make doo-doo in his pants so long as he's cute about it.

"He needs his bum changed."  Why?  What's wrong with it?  Is it not doing what it's supposed to?  Well, I suppose sometimes it's not.  Have you ever said, "this baby needs a bum change", and then the kid only peed in the diaper?  Well, why would that baby need it's bum changed?  Kids don't pee out of their bums.

"He needs his wiener changed."

Nobody is about to start saying that.  And if you're the one who does start that trend then you should go and get it put on a t-shirt.  The saying.  Not the actual wiener change.  Or both.  Whatever. That's gross.  You're gross.  Stop being so gross, grossy-pants.

If you could actually change your baby's bum, what would you change it to?

"Ayyy, don't call me no bum!"

Would you get the Wal-Mart variety of bums that are cheap or would you feel the need to get an expensive bum endorsed by a celebrity?  "Hi, I'm Angelina Jolie and when I have to change my babies' bums the brand I rely on is Ford.  They make baby bums that are built to last." 

Or instead of celebrities endorsing new baby bums, maybe there would be celebrity molded bums. 

"Are you in the market for a baby bum change?  Are you looking for something a bit more stylish for your baby than the bum they were born with?  Let everyone in town know your baby is the fanciest with the new Jennifer Lopez Baby Bum!  That's right, now your baby can have the same mold of bum that J-Lo had when she was a baby!  Impress your friends!  Raise your child to be neurotic!"

What the fuck.

Oh, I know!  Maybe my lovely wife has been referring to a "Bum Change" as getting a homeless man to change our kid's diaper.  Gosh, that could sure save a lot of time in a day.  And think of the different immunities the kid would develop in the process.

Also, have you heard of these things called "Pee-pee Tee-Pee"?  Apparently, you put it over a baby boy's wiener so you don't get peed on while changing their diaper.  I'm not really buying into it though.  My reflexes are alright. 

Besides, I peed on my dad when I was a baby and we all turned out just fine.  But he rarely ever had to change my diaper.  And as far as I now I still have my original bum.  For now.

- ryan of the ryan fan club