Time For A Bum Change

....something smells funny

"He needs his bum changed."

What the fuck does that even mean?  I know, obviously, my lovely wife is referring to how my child has soiled his diaper with a big, stinky, yellow-ish kinda poo and it's my turn to put a new clean diaper on him.  On average, I get every ninth or tenth poo-diaper.  The odds are usually in my favor.

Not bad.

Not something I'd take to Vegas though either.

We're not the only parents who refer to this as, "Changing their bum."  Somewhere along the way we've all stopped referring to diapers as diapers.  Well, except for when we're shelling out too much money for some combination of paper and cotton that will inevitably be shit in and tossed away.

Diapers and toilet paper.  It's amazing how much money we spend on those things considering what we do with them.  We're quite the culture.  We take very special care of our bum holes.

So... what if we could actually change a baby's bum?

Instead of putting on a new Pampers diaper - and let's not kid ourselves here, I'm a Pampers dad.  It's the only brand of diapers I buy.  Fuck Huggies.  They fucking leak everywhere.  So instead of putting on a new Pampers diaper, imagine you could just remove the child's rear end and put a new one on it in it's place.  We can't be that far away from that reality.  I have to believe in my heart that the Diaper Genie company is working on a Baby Bum Attachment.  Kind of like a poo catcher.  And at the end of the day you'd just take it off and replace it with a new one at bedtime.

Let's be realistic here.  That thing doesn't exist yet.  But let's be more realistic.  When it does exist it'll come with a spot to insert a Glade scented plug-in and a dock to charge your cellphone too.  Then you can listen to your favorite music coming out of your baby's bum like speakers.  And who knows, the little pride n' joy might just shake his booty to the beat.

"Looks like I'm getting a text from my little boy.  Nope.  He just shit himself again."

Stop laughing.  That's terrible. 

A sophisticated little man is allowed to make doo-doo in his pants so long as he's cute about it.

"He needs his bum changed."  Why?  What's wrong with it?  Is it not doing what it's supposed to?  Well, I suppose sometimes it's not.  Have you ever said, "this baby needs a bum change", and then the kid only peed in the diaper?  Well, why would that baby need it's bum changed?  Kids don't pee out of their bums.

"He needs his wiener changed."

Nobody is about to start saying that.  And if you're the one who does start that trend then you should go and get it put on a t-shirt.  The saying.  Not the actual wiener change.  Or both.  Whatever. That's gross.  You're gross.  Stop being so gross, grossy-pants.

If you could actually change your baby's bum, what would you change it to?

"Ayyy, don't call me no bum!"

Would you get the Wal-Mart variety of bums that are cheap or would you feel the need to get an expensive bum endorsed by a celebrity?  "Hi, I'm Angelina Jolie and when I have to change my babies' bums the brand I rely on is Ford.  They make baby bums that are built to last." 

Or instead of celebrities endorsing new baby bums, maybe there would be celebrity molded bums. 

"Are you in the market for a baby bum change?  Are you looking for something a bit more stylish for your baby than the bum they were born with?  Let everyone in town know your baby is the fanciest with the new Jennifer Lopez Baby Bum!  That's right, now your baby can have the same mold of bum that J-Lo had when she was a baby!  Impress your friends!  Raise your child to be neurotic!"

What the fuck.

Oh, I know!  Maybe my lovely wife has been referring to a "Bum Change" as getting a homeless man to change our kid's diaper.  Gosh, that could sure save a lot of time in a day.  And think of the different immunities the kid would develop in the process.

Also, have you heard of these things called "Pee-pee Tee-Pee"?  Apparently, you put it over a baby boy's wiener so you don't get peed on while changing their diaper.  I'm not really buying into it though.  My reflexes are alright. 

Besides, I peed on my dad when I was a baby and we all turned out just fine.  But he rarely ever had to change my diaper.  And as far as I now I still have my original bum.  For now.

- ryan of the ryan fan club