Very real, and many of you may not have realized the real message that was being sent to you at the time. So check this out:
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| Partnership for a Drug Free America! |
I keep this first example a little light, but really, if you were Mario (or even his brother, Green Mario) and you arrived on Earth and then met Milli Vanilli, you'd be depressed enough to need some serious counseling.
What the cartoon was telling us: Milli Vanilli are phonies.
10. Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue
Imagine all of your favorite cartoon characters coming together in one very special episode. Turtles, Bugs Bunny, Alf, Chipmunks, Winnie The Mother Fucking Pooh. And then they all need to stop a boy - a boy not unlike YOU maybe - from his ADDICTION TO ILLEGAL NARCOTICS. Yes sir, in an attempt to teach us about the dangers of drugs, the powers that be actually made them more appealing.
What the cartoon was telling us: Just say not to drugs?
9. When The Chipettes Let "Uncle" Harry Take Photos Of Them
If you remember this one, then you're about to be blown away. The Chipmunks had previously thwarted the evil money schemes of their "Uncle" Harry a few times, so he came back to try and snake some money out of the Chipettes - this included him taking modelling photos of them at his roach motel of an apartment. David Seville should have called child services.
What the cartoon was telling us: Everyone has that one "uncle" that they aren't allowed to go for long walks in the wilderness with.
8. Jon Arbuckle Wants To Pay With Cash
In my personal favorite Garfield cartoon, Jon Arbuckle is doing some shopping and wants to pay with cash. The retailer questions him, "What is this CASH you keep referring to," and insists that Jon use a credit card to pay. They simply won't take his money.
What the cartoon was telling us: The world will change around us and we'd better be prepared. And if you're Jon Arbuckle, nobody wants your money. Or your love.
7. Mad Love
Everyone loved Batman: The Animated Series. It's still heralded as one of the greatest achievements in animation history. Remember the episode Mad Love? Go watch it again. It's all about abusing the ones you love to further your own personal affairs.
What the cartoon was telling us: If you're a lovely person, and maybe pure and innocent at heart and just a little jaded and misunderstood, who is in love with an abusive (mentally and physically) psychopath then you have no choice but to continue loving them... even if you think they might be dead.
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| "C'mon puddin', don'tcha wanna rev up your Harley?" |
Halfway through the epic outer space battle (jam?) between the Monstars and the Looney Tunes, the good guys all decide that whatever "secret" juice Michael Jordan is drinking must be what they need too in order to be successful basketball players. Sure, it's just water in a bottle marked for Jordan, but they buy right into it.
What the cartoon was telling us: Your skills and hard work do not matter. To be successful you need either drugs, magic, or Michael Jordan.
5. Donald, Huey, Duey, and Louie Eat a Turkey
In pretty much any holiday themed classic Disney cartoon you'll see Uncle Donald sit down to turkey dinner with his duckling nephews. I might as well just go an eat my neighbor for fun.
What the cartoon was telling us: Cannibalism isn't just for emergencies anymore kiddo.
4. Murder Is Always Better At Christmastime
In the Smurf's Christmas Special, a new bad guy named The Stranger kidnaps a bunch of kids. Well, you wouldn't adultnap a bunch of kids. Anyway, this Stranger guy gets chased down by The Smurfs AND Gargamel and they combine their efforts to stop the Stranger by engulfing him in a circle of fire, and when the flames go out he's as dead as your Christmas Turkey.
What the cartoon was telling us: This holiday season, just stay in with your family for a change.
3. Teela's Origin
Teela, daughter of Man-At-Arms and Captain of the Royal Guard, goes on a quest to find out who her long lost mother truly is. She has to fight monsters and get help from He-Man, but she mostly does the grunt work herself, and learns that the Sorceress of Greyskull is her real mommy. Awwww.
What the cartoon was telling us: If you uncover a great truth about yourself or your life, your mom will simply take that memory away from you to better suit her own needs. Oh, and your weekly allowance has just been cut back too.
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| Ooooh, kissin' cousins! |
In the only episode of the original Care Bears show that ever featured them, we met Perfect and Polite - two Care Bears who were pandas and had been missing for just about ever. Well, long enough to support the plot device of that episode anyway. The Care Bears give the pandas their own tummy symbols, and they have a hard time controlling them. Eventually, and much like every single date Joey Gladstone ever had on Full House, we say "see you soon" to the pandas at the end of the episode and they disappear, never to be seen again.
What the cartoon was telling us: It's not okay if you don't fit in. You need to be just like everyone else to be successful in life. Conform. Conform! CONFORM!
1. The Death of Optimus Prime
We've all seen it. Optimus Prime dies and passes on the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to that pansy Ultra Magnus. If I talk too much about it, I'll tear up and cry like a baby, so I'll ask this instead: why did the Decepticons want the AUTOBOT Matrix of Leadership so bad? Didn't they have their own Decepticon one?
What the cartoon was telling us: Your mother and your father are going to die someday, junior. Learn to deal with it.
And that's all! I hope I've only slightly ruined your childhood today. Probably not as much as Milli Vanilli did though.
- ryan
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| "No kids, Daddy isn't coming home tonight. Or tomorrow. Or ever again." |
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