Top 11 Sidekicks

Who wants a kick in the side?  Nobody, that's whom.

But some of the greatest heroes and protagonists of all time have needed a sidekick in aiding their quest for... well, whatever it is they're questing about.

Here are eleven of the best. And not all of them are super-heroes either.

11. Hermione Granger
I'm a firm believer that those movies should've had different titles.  How about, "Harry Potter's Friends and the Goblet of Fire"?  I mean, really, while Potter is getting himself in trouble it's up to good ol' Hermione Granger to save the day.  Every single fucking time.  Even the Weasley kid does more than Potter does.


10. Garth Algar
If you stop and think about it, Wayne Campbell was unable to party without the help of Garth Algar.  If it weren't for Garth initiating with, "Party on, Wayne?" then there could possibly be no, "Party on Garth!" to follow.  Wayne relied on Garth for all the hard work, while Wayne was out putting the moves on Cassandra.  Garth even did most of the work for Waynestock.

9. Jerome, from The Time
If you're a bad-guy musician in an early 80s pop-funk band, and you wanna become the top billing band in the Minneapolis scene before Prince reigns down purple everywhere, you gotta have one smooth talking sidekick to help you accomplish your goals.  Jerome would do just about anything for Morris Day, from holding open doors to tossing a stank ass ho into a garbage dumpster for him.

8. Luigi
The brother of Mario always gets shit on for some reason.  He never seems to get the game named after him (unless you count that bad SNES Luigi's Mansion game).  Hell, even one of the games without Mario was still called "Mario Is Missing".  While Mario gets the Princess, Luigi gets stuck with Daisy.  Well you know, Mario?  Luigi can jump higher than you!  So fuck off!

7. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
The Barber is one of those sidekicks that was just waiting, biding his time, because he thought at some point he'd take over the mantle of Hulkamania and get to be in the big show.  No matter how great his accomplishments, including ending Mr. Perfect's perfect record, The Barber will always be seen as the Hulkster's little sidekick.

6. Lipton/Knorr Sidekicks
These things are pretty decent if you're living on a student budget.  Or if you're just really poor like I was circa 2006.  Sometimes you can get them for a mere buck, and they're ready to eat in under fifteen minutes.  They come in lots of different flavors too, like Alfredo, Parmesan, and Three Cheese.   Fancy shit!  Unless you eat them twice a day for a week, then your shit isn't very fancy at all. It's gross.


5. Jughead Jones
If you think about it, Jughead was the ultimate wingman.  We all know that Archie wanted to get with both Betty AND Veronica, and while I'm sure that getting them in bed at the same time was the ultimate goal,  Archie would definitely cut his losses and take just one of those fine babes if the opportunity came up.  And Jughead was clearly there to keep the other girl occupied.  Or maybe pick up any sloppy seconds, I don't know for sure.

4. Arthur
The City is a dangerous place for any super-hero. Even if you're nigh invulnerable like The Tick is.  And when you're a big-shot hero like The Tick, you need a roommate Sidekick  like Arthur to help fight the good fight, keep you up to speed with evil villain bios, and scrub those nasty pots n' pans.  I'm pretty sure Arthur paid all the bills too while The Tick watched HBO for free.

3. Lumberjack Jess
He walks with a manly swagger because he has a manly job.  He can pull up his manly pants, scratch his manly scratch, and when he sees a friend he likes to give him a manly punch.  And then he likes to have a laugh at their expense.  "Hahahahahahaha"... you know, and I know, that it's hard to picture Jesse Katsopolis as ANYONE'S sidekick, especially Joey Gladstone's.  But it really did happen in the episdoe, "Girls Will Be Boys" of Full House.  It didn't last long.

2. Robin
Holy number two, Batman!  We're specifically talking about the Burt Ward Robin from the 1960s Batman show.  All other Robins have gone on to make their own name for themselves (becoming Nightwing, getting killed by the fans, being popular enough to actually have your own series).  What Burt Ward did was re-define what a sidekick was for many years.  Go on, close your eyes and say the word "sidekick" out loud.  You picture Burt Ward's Robin, don't you?  There's only one sidekick ever who was better...

1. Short Round
If Indiana Jones is the greatest action hero ever, then what does that make the little guy who actually saves Indy from the bad guys trying to rip out his heart in The Temple of Doom?  Who's there to let Dr. Jones' main squeeze know not to call him "Indy" but to give him some goddam respect?  'Nuff said.

I hope you've enjoyed this list.  I was half in the bag when I started writing it, and totally sober when I finished.  I've often thought about getting a sidekick of my own.  Anyone want to apply?

- Ryan