My Letter To Captain Planet

Dear Captain Planet,
(Can I call you Jeff? Or is that too personal?)

I'm writing you today to ask for your help with something.

Every Sunday night I put out my recycling for Monday morning pick-up.  The recycling schedule alternates each week - one week is paper, and then the next is plastic/glass/cans.  I don't need help with sorting my garbage, that's not the problem.  I'm also really good at rinsing out my spaghetti sauce jars before putting them in the blue bin.

My troubles revolve around my empty beer bottles and cans.

Whenever it's blue box night, this creepy looking dude comes around in a beat up shitty car and goes through my blue box for the cans and bottles.  He then takes them back to the beer store to collect on the deposit.  My box isn't the only one he invades.  He also goes through my neighbors' boxes too.

He's gonna bring pollution down to zero!

I've looked at him sternly through my front window, but I'm apprehensive about approaching him.  I fear that he might not be returning those cans after all, and instead melting them down to create some kind of super-aluminum cannon or something.  In fact, there's a good chance this man is an evil super villain or crime lord in the making.

So, do you think you could come by my place this Sunday night and wait for the creepy guy so you can give him a kick in the nards or something?  Maybe a nice little lecture about keeping off other peoples' lawns?  If you're feeling passive aggressive about it then you could just casually walk by and let the air out of his tires.

Thanks for your help with this Captain Planet.  I owe you one.

- Ryan

PS - Yes, I realize this can mostly be solved by me just returning my own empties to the beer store, but ain't nobody got time for that.