Did I Ever Tell You About The Time I Climbed A Boulder?

...Did I ever tell you about the time I climbed a boulder?

There it was, a big 9 foot tall boulder, full of life and love and ready to be discovered by yours truly.  The only thing is, I didn't actually discover it.  It was discovered  by the Romans in 1947.  I know that seems silly considering Rome was burnt down way way back in time, but it's how I remember it.

So anyway, I walked up to this boulder and believe it or not (go ahead and believe it, it makes the story better) there was a little troll in front of it.  Upon closer inspection, the troll wasn't actually a troll, but a troll look-a-like by the name of Roberto.

Roberto, that's a funny name for a troll look-a-like if I ever heard one, but sure enough that's what his little name tag said.  "Roberto.  Boulder Inspector and Host Extraordinaire."

He looked me up and down and said, "Hey there Jesus, we've been expecting you.  Your table is ready, but none of the guests have arrived yet."  He went on to inform me that the tab had been previously arranged and paid for by the city of Tuscon.  He also let me know that my dinner entree was boiled chicken.  All of this seemed strange to me, considering I was just walking down the street and saw this boulder.  I had no clue that I was expected for a dinner party, or that I would be meeting a troll look-a-like named Roberto.

"You'll have to climb that boulder all the way to the top in order to get to your table," said Roberto.

The boulder was smooth.  Not smooth like butter or a baby's behind, but more smooth like Tom Selleck was in "3 Men And A Baby."  Still, the boulder wasn't nearly as smooth as Tom Selleck  was in "3 Men And A Little Lady."  It was clear to me that Roberto The Troll Look-A-Like Boulder Inspector and Host Extraordinaire took his job seriously and maintained that boulder with pride and a blue-collar attitude.

So I climbed it.  With my bare hands.

Let's not kid ourselves, it was only nine feet high.

When I got to the top I was greeted by nobody.  The table was set, the boiled chicken was cooled off to a less than desirable eating temperature, and the guests were nowhere to be seen.  Instead, a note was left for me in dainty little black n' white envelope.

The note read: we regret to inform you that today's dinner guests have decided to skip out on dinner to attend a formal training seminar on Boulder Inspection and Hosting in Extraordinary Ways at the Tuscon Institute For Troll Look-A-Likes.  If interested in joining, please bring three dollars and ninety-nine cents to the top of the twelve foot tall boulder on the west side of town.  Sincerely, The City of Tuscon.

I didn't go.

- ryan