What If Jesus Were A Bad Guy?

Happy Friday the 13th!  This day always makes us think of one of the greatest movie bad guys ever (JASON!) and I had the pleasure of meeting and getting choked by the actor who played him a few years back.  But we all know that a great bad guy could have been a good guy at any point, and they just stumbled in one small step.   Hmmmm.....so we all know the story of good ol' Mr. Jesus.  For those of you who don't, here's a quick recap...

"Rocketed to Earth as an infant from the doomed planet Krypton, Kal-El was adopted by the loving Kent family and raised in America's heartland as Clark Kent. Using his immense solar-fueled powers, he became Superman to defend mankind against all manner of threats while championing truth, justice and the American way!"

Oops, that's the story of Superman.  That story is way cooler anyway.

Okay, here's the basics, Jesus is born (thus giving us lots of presents on Christmas Day) and then dies for the sins of everyone else.    He is then resurrected and... hey, this happened to Superman too back in '92.

Anyway, I got to thinking... what if Jesus came back as a bad guy instead of the savior of all mankind?  No really, what if his spirit took one look at our useless planet and said, "Fuck it. I'm getting me a gun and whooping some ass.  Maybe rob a bank while I'm at it."  Hell, Hulk Hogan turned bad for a while in the late 90s and everyone thought he was pretty cool for doing so.

So here's a couple ideas I toyed with.  And lo and behold, when I searched for them on google, there were already lots of pictures from people who are clearly as brilliant as me.

Jesusbeard The Pirate

Okay, let's not kids ourselves here... I really just dig the idea of Jesus with an eye patch.  That would be pretty damn bad ass.  Jesusbeard, the scourge of the seven seas, captains the majestic pirate ship Magdalene and plunders small towns for their jewels, their women, and their women's jewels.  He is a fine connoisseur of swords and words that start with the letter "S".  He is no stranger to the rum, and once gave Captain Morgan a bloody nose just for the hell of it.  It's rumored that Keith Richards based his mannerisms and style after Jesusbeard The Pirate.

J2: Judgement Day
...and thus as Jesus was placed on the cross he uttered those famous words, "I'll be back."
And came back he did!  The J2 is a cybernetic organism from the future, where war is raged between non-believing humans and Religious Robotic Warriors, hell-bent on restoring faith and Catholicism to the masses.  Those who refuse to believe will be crushed by the J2.  But when the humans begin to turn the tides in the war, one J2 robot is sent back to our present day to stop the leader of the human revolution (as a child) from discovering free thinking, heavy metal, and internet pornography.  Who will save the day?


Skelejesus
Who said that the son of God had to be resurrected on our planet?  How do we know that Jesus didn't come back on Eternia, where he decided to learn the mystic dark magics and form a gaggle of idiot henchmen to aid him in capturing Castle Greyskull?
And, uh-oh!  Look who just so happened to decide and try to stop Skelejesus, but He-Rod!
It kinda makes sense when you think about it.  On the He-Man cartoon, Skeletor really wanted inside Castle Greyskull.  Almost like he was charged by God to do so.  There must be something really nifty inside Greyskull.


Zombie Jesus
What could be more frightening than a zombie son of God that wants to eat your flesh and brains?
TWO ZOMBIE JE... what's the plural of Jesus anyway?

And that's where I'll end this little blog.
If you've been offended, then you get offended a little too easily.  Thank you to the creative artists who made these pictures and put them on the internet so I could use them here.  I'd totally get that Skeletor one on a t-shirt.

Until next time, remember to say your prayers, train hard, and eat your vitamins.
- ryan