If I Ruled The World

This isn't something I think about overly often.  Sure, we've all seen something and said to ourselves, If I ruled the world, I'd do that differently.

So here's what I'd do differently.

I would make bacon a staple in everyone's diet.
Bacon is awesome.  It's just plain wonderful.  Imagine how happy you would be if you just had a little bacon every day.  Just one slice of bacon.  Just for the taste of it, first thing in the morning.  Everyone would be that much happier.  And vegans, sorry, but you're going to have to just fucking take one for the team.  It's important to note that because of bacon's prestige here, the pig would be considered a revered animal across the world.  We would worship and respect it for providing us with such wonderful bacon.

I would legalize prostitution.
Yes I would.  There are many people out there who do not get to have wild lovin'.  Some are because they are far too unattractive to ever get it.  Don't go calling me insensitive, you know you've seen someone on the street before and thought, there is nobody on this planet to love him.  Well, that person should be allowed to pay for sex.  And it should be regulated, safe (both the act and the environment), and consentful.  And my government (realistically it would be an empire) would take a tax from it to ensure the safety.  And then I would drink coffee out of an elaborately decorated gold cup.
And that tax brings us to...

The tax from the people would go towards necessities.
Ladies, imagine if you didn't have to buy tampons because your government (or sexy empire in my case) provided them for you.  And not the shitty kind either.  I'm talking the good Tampax Pearl stuff. 
Fellas, you don't bleed from your penis so I have the next best thing for you. An unlimited supply of unsweetened almonds.  This way, you can always have access to the almond joy you so deserve.

I would lock Coldplay in a box and hide the key.
This one's pretty self explanatory, n'est-ce pas?

I would change the name of Planet Earth to Planet Houston.
In honor of General Zod, the first sole ruler of our planet for a short period of time back in 1981, I would re-name our world to Planet Houston.  And if someone made me a really great deal, I'd let them have Australia.

And just like that, the world would be a better place.
Just think of all that bacon!

- Ryan