Top 11 Things To (Not) Say At A Wedding

... before I'm reminded that it's been forever and a day since I've done a Top 11 list, here's the Top 11 Things To (Not) Say At A Wedding...  I'll let you use your own judgement when opening your mouth.

...weddings always make me cry wolf.

11. "Always a bridesmaid and never a bride, huh?  Probably 'cause the bride don't sit around getting all fat n' sweaty while watching Maury Povich all day!"

10. (in response to that question of 'do you take fucktard to be your lawfully wedded whatever"...) "What does the fox say?????"

9. "Yes!  Yes!  I goddam love this song!  Fucking awesome!  Baby, let's dance! ... What?  ... What first dance?... Their...?  No fucking way!  This was the song we danced to at our wedding!  It was our song first!... It wasn't? ... My first wife...?  Well, fuck it!  I goddam love Air Supply!"

8. "Yeah, sure, right now she's like mint in package.  Ain't nobody opened her up and played with her yet.  But give it time, I tells ya, pretty soon those elbow joints won't be so stiff and her arms are just gonna hang there.  And then you won't be able to find her accessories anymore.  She'll end up in some cardboard box at a yard sale."

7. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Herman Hendezelbengerstein!"

6. ""Can I have the vegan option?"

5. "Who fucking gets married on Columbus Day?  Fuck this shit!  I've got a case of beer in the trunk that's in need of my lips!"

4. "If they get up the next morning, all married and stuff, and he finds her eating frogs in the bathroom, he's gonna be super pissed."

Greatest.  Couple.  Ever.

3. "You know, that WAS going to be my dress.  But then my fiance left me for another woman.  Then, I got a tongue ring and he took me back.  Then he left me for another woman again.  Not the same woman.  I guess that would be another another woman.  I can't keep track of them all.  Anyway, so I got this sweet boob job done for him.  I had a coupon.  And he took me back.  Then he left me for a dude.  That dude already had a tongue ring, and then got a boob job done.  The difference?  He paid full price.  And really, neither of our new boobs would have fit into that dress.  So I gave it to the other other other woman that he left the dude he left me for."

2. Wait, before you put the ring on me... lemme grab my phone... gonna instagram this shit!"

1. "If every word I said, could make you laugh... I'd talk forever.  I'd ask the sky just what we had.  It showed forever.  Forever.  Forever.  I've been so happy loving you.  Let the love I have for you live in your heart and be forever.  Forever.  Forever.  I'll be so happy loving you.  And a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable."

So there you have it.  Get married!  It's fun AND you get presents!

- ryan