My Letter to The Little Mermaid

Dear Ariel,

You know something?  I don't hate you anymore.

While it's true that I used to have a huge hate-on for you and your little animated feature, I've put it all behind me.  The first and, until very recently, only time I'd ever seen your adventure was sometime in the mid-90's.  Sure, on paper your movie should have everything I like - a scantily clad redhead, dripping with water, trying to hook up with a dude.  I think I've seen another movie with this premise on the Internet too.

Anyway, the first "girlfriend" I ever had was really into your movie.  Probably a little bit too into it.  I mean, she was about as obsessed with the flick as I am with Aerosmith, and that's pretty unhealthy to begin with.  I use the term "girlfriend" loosely because while I asked her out and she said yes, I don't have any memory of us every kissing or getting to third base.  (What's third base like under the sea anyway?)

So yeah, in an attempt to get a bit closer to this girl I decided to watch your movie.  Meh.

Too much singing at useless times.

That's what I thought, and that sort of became my motto for Disney movies in general.  I mean, why did you feel the need to sing about how you wanted to be "part of that world" when it was just you and your little fish buddy hanging out together?  Why do Beauty and the Beast have that magical duet together when they fall in love?  Who does that?  Who falls in love with someone, takes them up to the bedroom, pulls off their clothes and starts singing to them?  I always figured that was a way to not get laid.

I understand why the old lady in Cinderella sings "Bippity-Boppity-Boo" though.  That bitch is crazy.

Okay, now I'm rambling... but you get the point.  So these days I have a two year old daughter.  The apple of my eye.  The greatest of all my creations.  And she's into Disney flicks.  And last week a commercial came on for your movie on blu-ray and I pretty much had no choice but to give in and watch it with her.

Mostly, I didn't care so much for the film.  It wasn't bad, it wasn't great, it was just sort of "on".  I really dug the scene where your boyfriend runs the witch through with the mast of his ship.  That was both beautiful and poetic.  But I found myself watching my daughter during the movie.  I was watching her watch the movie.  And she friggin' loved every minute of it.  And anything that gives her that much enjoyment is alright in my books.

So there.  I don't hate you anymore.

Sincerely,
Ryan Fan Club

PS - Your sisters are all pretty cute, and if any of them are available I think I can get a Hall Pass from my wife for a weekend.
PPS - While you and I may be a-okay, there's no way in hell I'm watching The Little Mermaid II: Return To The Sea.  Because typically, Disney sequels suck.