Ultimate Poem

...this comes to us from my Newzinetter #4 (you can see the whole thing on the main page at http://www.ryanfanclub.com for a limited time) and it's very inspired by one of my childhood heroes from the 80's.  You can probably guess who.

Ultimate Poem
a poem by ryan fan club

a "self-portrait" I did in 1998.

let the clear discovery of the unknown journey
be made fully known within my eternity
that a man can be tested and fail upon his skill
or even witness one’s own destruction of will
for the outside suffering feels no real pain
and the inside insignificance falls like acid rain
we are living on the tail of the crashing comet
with only ourselves to collect the full debt
you owe nothing
unless you owe it to yourself
so speak with your lips in a closed position
and hear the words as a true acquisition
there is no fear in this realm for fear is absent
you can reach until the memory is distant
but do not continue to hold your hand out
forever, waiting for powers to come about
because only you alone can destroy panic
and administer your life in ways so tyrannic
that even the most royal of normal people
will watch for you upon that golden steeple
and wait with prayer for an approximate
measuring to declassify the illegitimate
but they know absolutely nothing of the ultimate;

Top 11 Retitled 80's Songs

I had such a good time writing RFC Newzinetter #4, that I'm going to be uploading it all into the blog for easy-reading (for those of you who aren't conditioned to read my true style of writing - it's all over the place)

Uncle Jesse's Girl

So here's the
Top 11 Retitled 80's Songs

11. You Shook Me All Night Long Until I Woke Up
10. I Laugh When Doves Cry
09. If OK With You, I Want Your Sex
08. Billie's Jeans Aren't Real Levi's
07. Girls Just Want To Have Fungus
06. Unusually Cold Summer of '69
05. Safety Dancing In The Dark
04. Sweet Child O' Mein Kampf
03. Mony Mony Mony Mony Mony
02. Never Gonna Give You Up For Adoption Unless I Have To
01. Uncle Jesse's Girl

Newzinetter #4

Ryan Fan Club Newzinetter #4

Idjits n' Midjits

Here's something new, just for the hell of it.

Pretty, ain't it?

Ain't that just the truth, how the world is full
Of idjits n' midjits thinking they're so on top
And thinking's kinda hard to do for themselves
Like, they can read what's on the paper but
Not know what it really means
Ex is ex, and why is why
And could Eh Be See then?
And did I just hear someone shout "OMG"?
Oh, goodness gracious me-oh-my
Just sound out those words, go on and give it a try
We're all just so conditioned, aren't we?
Though most of us aren't in very good condition anymore
I guess the good lord should've kept us in the packaging
Instead of taking us out to play with
The paint rubs off, the joints get loose, and
We're all destined to lose our best accessory
... mine would've been a battle ax or a fire sword...
But if we can't be mint anymore, we can at least be
Near mint - whatever that really is... Near mint...
Or slightly above average, which is what the
Idjits and Midjits are calling you to encourage you
You know, gotta earn that minimum wage
On someone Else's time, er... I mean someone Else's dime
And you gotta give a couple dimes back to the taxman
When we would've all been better off to give 'em to the Axman
And thus the idjits n' midjits, or midjits n' idjits
As they'll be called after a fuss is made over who comes first,
Wouldn't know who the Axman was anyway...
Hmph - who comes first... isn't the important thing
That everyone just gets to come in the first place?
And first place is fine and dandy if you're facing east
But don't face west, cause then look out - you're last place instead
And that guy you gave some spare change to is now in first
And he's driving your car and kissing your girl
And you're angry for a second or two...
Wait a minute... how can there be two seconds?
Wouldn't the second second be the third?
One second... what a bizarre concept
Goddam those idjits n' midjits

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Top 11 Pink Things

It's never been a secret that my fav'rit color is, in fact, pink.  I've taken a lot of unnecessary heat for it over the years too.  Some people have even tried to tell me that my favorite color is actually "salmon".  Nope, pink is just fine with me.  I just dig pink, if you haven't already noticed.

So here are eleven awesome pink things.

11. p!nk
10. Lois Lane's undies in Superman: The Movie
9. Bubblegum
8. my Hanson t-shirt
7. Pink Floyd's "The Wall"
6. Pepto Bismol
5. a pair of pink Converse All-Stars
4. Aerosmith's "Pink"
3. A freshly washed and pressed vagina
2. Bret "Hitman" Hart's shades
1. Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger

Now, did we see anything pink in there?

- ryan of the ryan fan club

The Bone Tribute Edition

Bone (by Jeff Smith) has, for a long time now, been my very favorite comic.  The first time I read an issue of Bone was in the year 2000.  I found a few reprints of the first six issues at a flea market for a buck a piece.  It was something I had read about in Wizard Magazine (remember that?) and knew I wanted to read it, but the original issues were fetching a pretty penny.  I've always been more interested in reading comics than turning a profit on them, so getting reprints cheap was no big deal for me.

I fell in love with the storytelling of Bone right after the very first issue.  I was hooked on the charm and humor as soon as the snow fell on the valley, suprizing little lost Fone Bone with that long winter.

Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about with those details, and that's okay, because Scholastic has just released a new Tribute Edition in hardcover of the first Bone story arc, Out From Boneville.  If you've never read Bone, and you're a fan of comics then you should check it out.  These days, it can easily be found in the children's section, but but that's only because it's kid-friendly.  The Bone saga was never really intended to be for kids, it just so happens that it crossed over to public schools really easily.

If you have read Bone before, then why is the Tribute edition for you?  Maybe it's the new poem, "Ode to a Quiche" by the Stupid, Stupid, Rat Creatures.  Maybe it's the gallery of Bone artwork from other great artists to accompany the story.

Or maybe, you're like me and never bought the colorized Scholastic paperbacks of Bone because you've got the classic, black and white, 1300-page, one-volume edition that recounts the entire saga.  I used to shy away from the Scholastic paperbacks because of the coloring.  To me, Bone was best enjoyed in it's purest form.

My sketch of Fone Bone, to contribute to the tribute.

But when I saw this Tribute Edition was coming out, I just had to have it... but, why?  I know the story.  I must have read those first few reprints a good fifty times.  For me, this new Tribute Edition is a new chance to enjoy Bone for the first time again - this time with my daughter Ryleigh. And she loves it too.  Reading it with her is so much fun, because she gets right into it - she's even a little scared of the Stupid, Stupid, Rat Creatures and their leader Kingdok.

Re-reading it with Ryleigh almost zaps me back to the first time I read Bone, and felt that wonder and amazement that Jeff Smith has created on the page.  I've never met Mr. Smith (though he recently re-tweeted one of my tweets and I felt like a schoolgirl) but if I do I'll shake his hand and thank him for giving my family one of the most enjoyable stories I've ever come across.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Fone Bone's affections for Thorn will have you reminiscing about your first childhood crush.

The Dastardly Villainy of My Youth

me, around 1988 or so.

When I was just a Lil' Ryan, I had a friend named Dale.  Growing up, he was a lot of fun and one of my best friends during grade school.  Dale was an interesting kid.  My mom thought he was weird, as did many of the other moms I'm sure.

We used to ride our bikes all over the neighborhood, play Super Mario Bros., and draw comics together.  Dale was a lot of fun because he was fucking crazy.

Dale was great at getting me in trouble too.  It's not like we committed first degree murder or anything, but stupid shit that kids get in trouble for.

There was a girl who lived down the street from me.  I think her name was Amanda, but honestly, it was over twenty-five years ago and that detail totally escapes me.  For sake of argument, we'll call her AmandaGlasses.  We didn't like her because she had nerdy glasses.

You can start typing all the hate mail you want.  I was, like, six years old and this was the mid-80s when it was quite common for kids with glasses to be made fun of.  And if you were a girl with glasses you got it worse than anyone else.

Dale and I just didn't like AmandaGlasses.  Maybe it was her glasses or maybe she had been mean to us in the park.  I don't know.  It was probably something to do with her glasses.  Did I mention she wore glasses?

Because she did.  She wore glasses.  It was terrible.

Dale and I decided we had been wronged by AmanadaGlasses for one reason or another (most likely because she was a girl with glasses and we didn't like her) and we needed to get back at her.  So we pooled our villainy together and did the most devious and dastardly thing we could think of.

We let the air out of her bike tires.

And then we dropped the caps from the wheels down the sewer.

Evil!

Dale and I goofing off like crazy mischievous little snot-balls are supposed to.

Now, we may have been acting like rotten kids but we did have a conscience.  Not enough of a conscience to turn ourselves in though.  Like all evil masterminds, we didn't want to be caught and thrown in prison for our villainy so we decided we needed to go into hiding in case AmandaGlasses or worse, her parents, came looking for us.

So we raided the box in my closet marked "winter clothes" and got some large coats and scarves so we could be incognito.  We didn't want our faces to be seen by anyone either, so we got our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Hallowe'en masks out too.  And that's how we walked around the neighborhood for a couple hours or so.

Oh, and this was the middle of summertime too.  The weather report wasn't calling for winter jackets.

It wasn't long before AmandaGlasses figured us out and told on us to my mother.

If there's a moral to this story, it's that justice should always prevail.  Instead of buying AmandaGlasses new bike tires, she agreed to let Dale give her his own bike.  Days and weeks went by and Dale never did give her that bike.  And AmandaGlasses moved out of the neighborhood shortly after.

Evil wins!

- ryan of the ryan fan club

...and this was us plotting our next tirade of villainy!

My Son Seems to Love Alice Cooper

A couple weeks ago, my son Grayson was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum.

Nothing really new for a two-month old child.  Sometimes when Grayson is crying I try to settle him down by singing or humming to him.  That's also nothing new; parents have been trying that old trick for centuries.

She asked me why the singer's name was Alice

Often times, I'll hum some classic movie themes - something from Star Wars or Superman.  Usually, if I hum the Princess Leia theme he chills right out and goes to sleep.  It's pretty soothing, I guess.  But this time, no such luck.  The power of the Force wasn't about to save me from the oncoming headache.

So I started singing, "Only Women Bleed" by Alice Cooper.  Granted, at the time I had been reading Alice's autobiography, "Golf Monster", and the song was fresh in my mind.  I've always been a big Alice Cooper fan, so I had no problem remembering the lyrics.  And let's face it - "Only Women Bleed" is a fucking killer song.  Give it a listen.  I can wait the five minutes or so.

"Only Women Bleed" didn't just calm Grayson down though... he started smiling.  Does my two-month old son like Alice Cooper?

So I tried something else... "No More Mr. Nice Guy"... big smiles!
"Under My Wheels"... smiling and laughing!
"I'm Eighteen"... smiling, laughter, and kinda sorta singing along.
"Poison"... all of the above.

Okay, by singing along, I mean he made lots of noise during the song. But, he wasn't crying!  So I like to thing he was singing along.

A few days later, instead of breaking out the Princess Leia theme, I went right into "School's Out", and the smiles, laughter, and noises came right back... but this time they were joined by Grayson's hands in the air, kind of not unlike a fist pump.

I'm so glad that both of my kids are developing a good taste in music at such a young age.
(Ryleigh also has a strict Aerosmith lullaby routine at bedtime and was quite upset when she thought her "Dream On" CD was broken...)

I guess he's just my billion dollar baby.

- ryan of the ryan fan club 

Cute or creepy?  My Lovely Wife nixed the 1st picture of Grayson in Alice paint I tried using, so we've got this one.

Skin

Here's a new poem that was recently featured in Ryan Fan Club Newzinetter #2.  I hope you all enjoy it as much as you enjoy cold pizza on a Sunday morning.

Skin
written by ryan of the ryan fan club

It's only skin
It comes and it goes
Peels at my fingers
And falls off my toes
It keeps me warm
And protects my heart
Not a canvas
To display my art
My skin is dying
From the moment of birth
It's probably for sale
But what is it worth
It's coarse like my soul
Having once been in vain
It may give you pleasure
But it's given me pain
And when it all fades
On my final terms
My skin will be buried
And eaten by worms

If you haven't already had a chance to check out the new RFC Newzinetter, you can do so at http://www.ryanfanclub.com.... you should really do it before you're an old geezer and regret it forever.  Or just click on the picture below. Same difference.

The Punchbuggy Bible

(Revised Edition)
A few years back I compiled an official rulebook for the The Punchbuggy game.  Over time, like all sports, the rule book needs to be revised.  Certain events happen that make you question a rule, or require an alteration to a rule.  I recently took another look at the Guide To Punchbuggies and made some tweaks to help you with physically abusing your friends and family in the proper manner.

Enjoy.

Section 1 - The Outburst

1-1 -In the event of seeing a punchbuggy, the infiltrator (the person who instigates the punch) shall call out the buggy in a manner that which describes it. Example: Red Punchbuggy, No Punch Backs!

1-2 - Punchbuggies can also be called by other features that describe them as being special. Example: Mug Root Beer Punchbuggy, No Punch Backs!

1-3 - Failure to call the "No Punch Backs" leaves you completely open for a punch that can be as hard as your opponent(s) desires.

1-4 - Punchbuggies in a Volkswagen dealership lot are considered "Held in Captivity", and are unavailable for use in the Punchbuggy game. Using one of these buggies is a violation of the rules and must result in the same revenge as rule #4-3.

1-5 - Punchbuggies on television or in photographs, no matter how cool they may be, are not allowed to be used for scoring. Example: You cannot hit someone for the Herbie car while watching "Herbie Fully Loaded", but you can hit someone for seeing a REAL Punchbuggy that looks like Herbie.

There's a masturbation joke somewhere here, I just can't seem to find it.

Section 2 - Tally That Score

2-1 -New Punchbuggies are valued at One (1) Point each. Slugging someone and calling it correctly will give you one point to add on your daily scoreboard.

2-2 - Fancy-Schmancy Buggies (convertible, decorated with ads, multi-colored, missile launcher added) are worth Two (2) Points each.

2-3 - Classic Buggies (a.k.a. "Old-Skool") are valued at Five (5) Points each.

2-4 - By chance if you come across two buggies together, perhaps side by side in a parking lot or back to back on the street, you can effectively call "Double Buggie" after you exclaim, "No Punch Backs."  A double buggie is exactly that - you double the points of the buggies you have hit your opponent for.  This then applies to "Triple Buggie", in which you can triple the points for three punchbuggies in a row, and so on and so on.

2-5 - Scoring continues until the end of the day, in which the score is reset to zero (0) for each person. This is where your own judgement comes in. The game could not possibly have scores reset at midnight, for example, because one could be winning with a score of 4-3 only to have those points reset before your day has come to and end. Typically, the score is reset to zero when you have fallen asleep for the night.

Section 3 - Tie Braking

3-1 -In the event of two players punching each other and calling at the same time, the victory must be decided via Rock, Paper, Scissors (No dynamite, and no two-out-of-three).

3-2 - If you or your opponent have no hands, then a simple foot race around the block will suffice for the tie break.

Section 4 - Revenge, Sweet Revenge

4-1 -If someone punches you after you have claimed "No Punch Backs" you are legally and morally allowed to punch them again. Repeat as many times as it takes until they stop punching you back when you have clearly called "No Punch Backs".

4-2 - If someone punches you for a car that is in fact not a Punchbuggy you are entitled by all that is good and Holy to punch them back 10 times.

4-3 - At no time will you punch someone for a buggy that has already been called during that day. Doing so gives your opponent the God Given Right to hit you really, really hard. Suck it up, and wait until the next day to use that Buggy again.

Section 5 - Color Disputes

5-1 -There are some Punchbuggies that are odd in color. There's this one that is clearly yellow to me but my lovely wife says it's green. But fuck, it's definitely yellow. However, I enjoy sleeping in my bed and not on the couch so I let her have her green victory every now and again. Gentlemen, keep your women happy. But not too happy, we don't want them to think they can start voting or anything.

5-2 - Sometimes a dark blue can look like black. And vice versa. Use your own judgement when someone makes a mistake. You can choose to just let them have their point because of how close the color was, or you can return the punch with full force and correct their blurry eyes once and for all.

Remember, like all games, The Punchbuggy game is meant to have fun and hurt your friends.  If you truly like your friends, you'll hit them with all you've got.
- ryan of the ryan fan club