"I just want a Canadian team to win."

... really?

There's something about hockey fans that I've never understood.  I don't mean all hockey fans, just this one demographic of us that has a real hate-on for the Americans.  And seeing as how the Stanley Cup Playoffs are about to begin again for 2013, we'll see more of these fans popping up than usual.

How many times have you had this conversation with someone:

"Playoffs are starting tonight!  Who's your favorite team?"

"I like The Oilers... but I don't really care as long as a Canadian team wins."

Okay, I know it's been about two decades since most people really cared about the Oilers, but I picked them at random just to try and name-drop "Esa Tikkanen" at some point in this blog.

The caption that came with the picture says it all.  Beautiful.

I'm Canadian, and I cheer for an American team.  I love the Bruins.  I couldn't see myself cheering for a Canadian team just because they're north of the border.  I mean, being a fan of the black n' gold I already have a strong dislike of the Montreal Canadiens.  Everything about them: their American colored jerseys, their fans that insist on booing the American national anthem, and mostly how they beat the Bruins a lot over the decades.  I've also developed a strong detesting of the Vancouver Canucks since the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. That team is far more qualified to win gold for diving at the Summer Olympics than anything on ice.

So right there, I've already reduced my chances of cheering for a Canadian team by two.

When you think about it, how many Canadian players are on these Canadian teams?  Let's go back to the 2011 Finals again, mostly because I love replaying it in my mind, and remember that the Bruins had more Canadian players than the Canucks did.  Interesting, isn't it?  Yet the "Canadian" hockey fans in Vancouver lost their shit when their "home" team didn't win.

"When I cry, the whole
country will cry with me"

So really, what did the Americans ever do to us to earn such disdain?
Is it all because they stole Wayne Gretzky away in the late 80s?
Or maybe it's because the Winnipeg Jets moved to Why-The-Fuck-Phoenix and became the Coyotes.
But the Jets have returned and have really become our country's home team (seriously, just try and find someone who doesn't like the Jets these days). And the last time ol' "99" played a game was in an Oilers jersey for that outdoor spectacle a few years back.

I know!  It's gotta be because of that stupid Fox NHL broadcast from the early 90s with the glowing puck and fighting robots.  Seriously, what the fuck.

I understand national pride in the Olympics and World Junior Championships.  But when you watched Green Lantern you didn't say, "I hope Green Lantern saves the day because Ryan Reynolds is Canadian."  Or maybe you did.  I don't know you.

It just doesn't make sense.  If my daughter is trying to choose between listening to Led Zeppelin II or anything by Justin Bieber, I'm not going to suggest she pick the Canadian one.

...not sure who this hockey fan is, but he keeps good company!

But back to hockey... if a Canadian team MUST win the Stanley Cup this year, I hope it's the Leafs.  I mean, the Jets and Oilers didn't make the playoffs, and there's a part inside of me that would kind of like to see what happens to the streets of Toronto if the blue n' white actually win it all.  They haven't even won a Stanley Cup in color yet.  All of their good memories are in black n' white.

Well, if my Bruins aren't destined to drink from Lord Stanley's Cup this year, then I don't really care who wins... as long as it's not the Canadiens.

... of those fucking Canucks.

Top 11 Superman Stories

We're only a few weeks away from June 14th when Man Of Steel opens in theaters.  I'm really excited.  Since there's so much buzz around Superman online right now, I thought I'd throw together my Top 11 Favorite Superman stories.  So if you dig the Man of Steel, you can check out some other great adventures he's had over the years.

I've decided to keep any Superman feature films off this list, but any other kind of media is fair game.

11. Superman Family Adventures (2012-2013)
First off, I just gotta say, I'm really sad to see this series being cancelled.  Hands down, it's the best Superman comic on the market and has been for the last couple years.  It's a very simplified version of Superman intended for kids.  And when you read it, you remember what you loved about the character so much in the first place.

10. Face To Face With Yesterday (1991)
In the Adventures of Superman #474, Clark has a flashback to his teen years and a car accident caused by a drunk driver.  It's compelling because Clark is still learning of his powers at this point in his life, and he has to cope with the fact that he survived the crash when he probably shouldn't have while one of his good friends doesn't.

9. The Super Menace of Metropolis (1987)
John Byrne's run on Superman had this little gem hidden amongst all the big stories.  Lex Luthor creates a device that makes Superman believe he's seeing a super monster in Metropolis.  While the Man of Steel is trying to save the city, he's actually causing damage everywhere he goes, and the citizens think he's going crazy.

8. The Hunter (1988)
I had to throw in this episode from the Ruby-Spears Superman cartoon.  I've probably watched it 100 times.  General Zod wants to get revenge on Superman from the Phantom Zone, so he creates The Hunter - a monster that can take the form of whatever it touches - to battle and kill Kal-El.

7. Funeral For A Friend (1993)
Superman died and came back to life, but in the middle of it all was this story arc that showed the effects of Superman's death on everyone else in the world, from his close friends to other heroes that admired him.  It's a neat story, because it shows the essence of the character when he isn't even there.

6. The Man Of Steel (1986)
John Byrne re-imagined Superman in this 6-issue mini-series that set the guidelines for the next 25 years or so.  The series chronicles the early years of Clark and Superman, including his first meetings with Lois, Luthor, Batman, and Bizarro.

5. Superman/Aliens (1995)
Blink and you'll miss this three-issue series where Superman gets lost in space and has to battle against the Aliens.  You know, the ones from the Sigourney Weaver movies.  So Supes is away from a yellow sun long enough to lose his powers, and uh-oh, an Alien Queen plants her seed in Kal's chest.  But Superman has a little help from a pretty blonde named Kara... but can they survive battling countless Aliens?

4. The Secret Revealed (1986)
In this charming little story, Luthor hires a team to deduce who Superman really is when he isn't saving the world.  Old baldy actually learns the truth about the glasses, and the ending might just surprize you!

3. "The Mad Scientist" (1941)
The city is doomed!  If the Mad Scientist's demands aren't met by midnight, he'll blast Metropolis with his death ray!  This looks like a job for Superman!  And you can watch it in the very first Fleischer cartoon.  It's classic, beautiful, and almost won an Academy Award.

2. The Supergirl Saga (1988)
I'm a sucker for any story that has General Zod in it.  I'm also a really big Supergirl fan.  Put 'em together, and look what you got.  In this three-part story, Superman is visited by a girl from a pocket universe in a costume that looks eerily similar to his.  She explains that her universe needs his help to stop General Zod and his flunkies from destroying all of existence.  Superman, naturally, goes with her.  I mean, it's not like he HAS to report for work at the Daily Planet tomorrow.  Seriously, how did Clark Kent ever keep his job?  The guy really must be the greatest journalist ever.  Or every time he gets fired he just spins the world backwards to get his job back again.  I dunno.  I'm getting off topic.  Superman battles the villains in an alternate apocalyptic dimension, and in the end does the one thing you wouldn't ever expect him to do and the repercussions stick with him for the rest of his life.  Well, at least until he decides he has to spin the world backwards again.

1. For The Man Who Has Everything? (1985)
I almost feel dirty having this on the top of my list, because it's really on the top of everyone's list for Superman stories.  Alan Moore really understood the character. So Batman and Wonder Woman show up at the Fortress of Solitude for Superman's birthday and he's in a comatose state from a bad dude named Mongul.  Mongul used this creature to make Kal-El believe he's in his perfect life... and this is where it gets deep.  Superman dreams about having a life on Krypton and what it would be like to be married with kids of his own.  It's probably the smartest approach to a Superman story ever and really gets into the psyche of the dude of steel.  It's been reprinted a bajillion times, so you shouldn't have trouble finding it.

Vader's Little Princess (review)

Star Wars children's books are nothing new.  Those of us who grew up in the 80s definitely had a copy of The Ewoks Join The Fight, and chances are yours came with a record that read the story to you.  You knew it was time to turn the page when R2-D2 beeped like this.

Vader's Little Princess, by Jeffrey Brown, is a sequel to his very popular book Darth Vader And Son.  It's a series of single-page comic strips about what it would be like if Old Man Skywalker actually had to raise Princess Leia as a teenager.  So before the hardcore nerds get out of control about how none of this could have been possible, just remember we're dealing with characters who can talk to Wookies, so take it for what it is.

The Good - The parent in me definitely enjoys being able to share Darth Vader with my two year old.  Of course she doesn't get it, but she thinks it's really funny when I do the Vader breathing noise between pages.  And at my age, it's just nice to have anyone think I'm funny anymore.
The jokes are really clever, ranging from Leia's slave outfit (above) to a jab at Vader's "Nooooooooo" when he sees his daughter kissing Han Solo.  Perhaps the smartest giggles comes from the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Vader has the rebels sit down for dinner... except in this version, Leia has just brought Han home to meet daddy.  So instead of showing the boyfriend his shotgun like most dads, Vader takes his daughter's scoundrel to the Carbon Freezing Chamber.
The artwork is just perfect for this type of book too.  It's simple, expressive, and captures the spirits of the characters.

The Bad - Am I the only one who was expecting a tongue-in-cheek joke about Leia open-mouth kissing her brother?

The Verdict - Your kid, like mine, has no idea what's going on in this book. My daughter, who does enjoy looking at books about Superman and Batman, would still prefer to look at Bubble Guppies or Thomas.  That's not to say she'll never get this kind of humor, I'm just suggesting this book was really made for the parents and not the kids.  Those of us who have grown up and are trying to buy back are childhood can now drop $14.95 to try and include our own children in our memories.  It's smart marketing, really, and allows us to geek out and feel good about it for a change.

1993 ... the year we loved and look back on with embarrassment.

...it was pointed to me that the Aerosmith album "Get A Grip" is now twenty years old this week.  Holy fuck, that makes me feel pretty old.  Probably not as old as the guys in Aerosmith, but still old enough to remember crushing on Alicia Silverstone pretty hard.  It got me thinking about all those great loves from my youth, especially the year 1993, and how when I look back on it all, I really look back on it with a touch of embarrassment.  Let's take a look.

Get A Grip

how's that milk gonna taste?

...this was the album that got me into Aerosmith.  I'm a HUGE Aerosmith fan. And it's weird to look back on this fandom and see that it all started with one of their "worst", however much successful, records.  I won't lie - "Cryin'" and "Livin' On The Edge" are great songs.  "Cryin'" might be one of the greatest songs ever put together.  It's just darn perfect.   But do most people remember it for the song or for the Alicia Silverstone video?  Or maybe you like it because Steven Tyler's daughter Liv is in the video.  But you're wrong, because that was the video for "Crazy" and you've somehow managed to get the "Cryin/Crazy/Amazing" trilogy of INCREDIBLE videos to meld together as one story in your memory.  Ah yes, back when music videos told a story.
Either way, "Get A Grip" is the reason many of today's Aerosmith fans are really into the band.  They heard those MTV hits and then discovered Dream On, Sweet Emotion, and Draw The Line.  If you ask a die-hard Aerosmith fan what they think of "Get A Grip"... "overproduced"... "too glossy"... "too many ballads"... "not enough balls"... but then they'll admit how much they loved it in 1993 and 1994.

Toronto Maple Leafs
...the other night, the Leafs clinched a spot for the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Of course, all the bandwagon "die-hard" Leafs fans have come out of hiding.  If you remember, a while back I wrote an article about how Deep Down Everyone's A Leafs Fan.  Well, in 1993 I jumped on that bandwagon too, mostly because of how exciting Doug Gilmour was as a player.  And even though I've been cheering relentlessy for the Bruins since 2000, I still quietly will admit to people how I once cheered for the blue and white, and how I truly believe '93 was their year to win the Cup.  And yes, I also believe in my heart they were screwed in the Conference finals versus the LA Kings.

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

... Superman died in late '92, came back to life in early '93 as four imposters, and then returned to TV in late '93 with Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher.  The "Death" of Superman increased his fan-base and made him cool again... okay, for about a year or so... but it was awesome to see the Man of Steel on TV again. Little did we know this was more of a romantic comedy show than an all-out action series.  But we got sucked in, and found ourselves sitting through episodes about clones eating frogs.  Nothing was worse than Superman finding out he was already married to some chick from Krypton who just so happened to have romantic feelings about the other major guest star of that episode.  Oh fuck off.  Of course!  It's shit like this that made it hard for anyone to take Earth's favorite adopted son seriously for so long.  At least we have Man Of Steel this summer.

So there you have it.  1993 lives on fondly in our hearts... we just don't wanna tell anyone about it.

Lizzy Shue

...and finally, the music video for Lizzy Shue.  (In HD too... hey, that rhymes!)

Lizzy Shue single

Lizzy Shue CD Single (limited edition)

Hey gang, Check out the artwork for my new single, "Lizzy Shue". 

A special limited edition CD single release has the following tracklisting:

1. Lizzy Shue (AOR mix)

2. Lizzy Shue (LP version)

3. Dirty Blooze

4. Lizzy Shue (Demo version)

A video is also in the works for this tune, so stay tuned for that as well!


Purchase "Untitled Album" on iTunes for $9.99

5 Kids Shows That Make It Safe For Us Adults To Turn the TV On Again

... television isn't going anywhere.  Unless you think in terms of having televised billboards, TV screens in your car, or the ability to watch re-runs of Perfect Strangers on your smart phone, in which case it's going everywhere.  More than ever, our children are being raised by the third parent in the household who goes by the name of TV.

Now I'm not going to sit here and rant about whether TV is good or bad for our kids.  My daughter watches TV, yes, but she also loves reading books, doing jigsaw puzzles, and having tea parties.

I will, however, make the bold statement that if your kid is watching TV regularly, then it's finally getting safe again for you to tune in with them and not want to blow your brains out.

Gil and Molly are probably going to sing any second now.

Children's television in it's earlier stages gave us great shows such as Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, and the grand-daddy of them all, Sesame Street.  All of which were quality programming that could be appreciated by parents while the kids watched.  But then in the early 90s, some ignorant asshole created Barney and essentially gave a big middle finger to parents everywhere.

Admit it - somewhere in the back of your subconscious are the lyrics to the "I love you, you love me" song.

Barney f-ed up kids shows for a long time, and paved the way for the Teletubbies too.  Those two examples made parents so jaded that when any new kids-show debuted, the parents would automatically block them out.   Sure, there were some shining moments kicking around (Blues Clues, Thomas & Friends) but the majority of shows just annoyed the adults and hypnotized the kids.

So here are five shows you can watch with your little genetic offspring.  And you can feel safe to enjoy them too:

1. Bubble Guppies
Just try not to sing along with this little group of pre-school fish-people.  Some of their songs are good enough to be on the radio.  Seriously, YouTube "Bubble Guppies Restaurant song" and you'll be hooked.  This show follows a formula, is witty, clever, and very bright.  My daughter has seen each episode over and over and we don't get tired of it.

2. Jake & The Neverland Pirates
Leave it to Disney to find a way to make Captain Hook interesting again after all these years. The kids get to help the heroes solve "pirate problems" and collect gold coins. 

3. Octonauts

Kwazii is that awesome dude on the right.

Imagine Indiana Jones but under water.  Then throw in some awesome British accents.  Then make one of the characters kind of a bad-ass cat with a swell mustache and name him "Kwazii".  Yeah, that's right - KWAZII.  If I have another child, I'm naming it Kwazii.  I don't care what my wife says.

4. Max and Ruby
This is a show about two bunnies... brother and sister... who seem to live all by themselves.  While my daughter is glued to this show, I use MY imagination and wonder where the parents are.

5. Toopy and Binoo
This one might be up for debate... you see, the first few times I saw Toopy and Binoo, my jaw dropped and I managed to mumble, "What the fuck is this..."
Toopy is a boy who likes to wear lipstick, dress up like a beautiful princess, and thinks he's all around fabulous.  It took me a while to get into this show, but it's really a lot smarter than what's just on the surface.  It actually deals with the human ego, how we see ourselves, and how we think others see us.  It's actually kinda brilliant.

And there you go.  You can sit and enjoy TV with your child again. 
Wait... what?  You don't have kids?  Oh.
Well, you might enjoy these shows for yourself?

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2012

... and once again we find ourselves close to Christmas.  I know, I know, you probably haven't finished your shopping yet, and you really don't know what to get me.  Each year I put together a wish list, and it's awesome to look back and see how many of those wishes actually came true (the 1988 Superman cartoon on DVD, a new Aerosmith album, a Stanley Cup in Boston... just to name a few). 

So here we go again this year. 

An Uncle Jesse Doll Action Figure
... this would be a friggin' Christmas miracle.  Every year I put the Uncle Jesse doll on the very top of my Christmas list, and I have yet to have any mercy in my stocking.  So I got to thinking about it, and maybe Santa doesn't feel comfortable with giving me a "doll".  So henceforth, I'm calling it an Uncle Jesse Action Figure.  That sounds way cooler, and I can tell all the girls at school he has "Have Mercy Grip".  People used to ask me why I wanted a Jesse doll action figure so badly.  These days, as a loving father of a beautiful baby girl, it would result in even better playtime for us.

A Passionate Evening With Mrs. Claus
... it's never been a secret that I think Jessica Claus, from the classic "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" cartoon, is a total babe. 
Totally.
Wouldn't it therefore be awesomely great to be magically transformed into a stop/go animation puppet so I could make sweet love to Mrs. Claus right before she meets that Kringle ginger?  It would require a time machine to get to the start of the movie, and a brand new invention known as the "Rankin-Bassinator-3000" - a machine that could turn me into a puppet.
Once there, I'd show up with a nice bottle of white wine, a cassette tape of Barry White's Greatest Hits, and step-by-step directions on how to jump up and down afterwards to avoid pregnancy.  After all, I don't want to alter history and mess up Christmas for everyone else.

Spend a Day With Peter Cullen, Prank Calling All My Friends
...I could just imagine the look on my friends' faces when they answer their phone to hear Optimus Prime saying, "Hey Scott, Ironhide and I are going downtown for a couple pints to celebrate us fucking up Megatron's evil plan.  Now let's roll out."

 The Arnold Schwarzenegger Autobiography on CD, read by an Arnold Impersonator
... the awesomeness of this just goes without saying.  I bet my friend Dustin would do a great job of it too.

What do you want for Christmas?

This Christmas, Give Her What She Really Wants...

... 38 minutes of Ryan.

(That's 23 minutes longer than her normally lasts!)

It'll cost you less than ten bucks to make her happy:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/untitled-album/id563104614

"Spider's Sin" - lyrics

...with the new video for "Spider's Sin" debuting this past weekend, I've been asked to share the lyrics.  Here you go:

Spider's Sin single cover artwork

(written by Ryan Fan Club & Intoxikatrix)

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Embraced inside your den
The black widow's gonna marry again
You gotta spread your wings
And fly

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Bare naked in the acid rain
Naked, of course, except for the stain
Better lose it before you use it
Yeah, you promised she could abuse it
Or re-use it

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin

Spider's Sin video

Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Ain't no shower gonna clean it off
Give a little bit of turn your head and cough
Remember, when you're tossing out your tissues
Don't forget to thank daddy for your issues

Spider's sin
In the web
In the web
In the web of the spider's sin