Pizza. It's Important.

Pizza is a staple in the world of food, and over time everyone seems to have become a know-it-all about it. It seems like just yesterday there was no such thing as Dipping Sauces. Frankly, the world was better before them. Let's look at my guidelines to what makes good pizza, because after all, I know everything. And while you're at it, check out my music video: Kinda Like To Order A Pizza. 

(Sorry in advance for the nightmares you're going to have)

Frozen Pizza Is Very Bad
Have you ever actually had a frozen pizza turn out properly? Fuck no. They're always over-cooked in one spot and still frozen at others. Then the bottom is impossible to cut through.

Frozen pizza used to be an affordable alternative to real pizza. But now you're lucky to get one for under $7.99. Really, just shell out the extra fiver for a good pizza.

Have you seen that frozen pizza commercial that claims, "Just like Mama used to make back home"? Those people are goddamn liars. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't get pizza from a liar. 

Italian Names
The best pizza comes from places with Italian names. I usually get mine from places called Tata's, Gino's, and sometimes Mama Mia. "Pizza Hut" is not an Italian name. Neither is "Dominos".  Pretty sure "Little Caesar's" is a Greek Name.  "Papa John's"?  That's like taking an Irishman and pretending he's Italian.

"Pizza Pizza" is not only Un-Italian, but my friend Johnny would also point out that it's redundant too. So when you order pizza, look for some greasy, local joint named "Fat Anthony's" or something like that. 

Pepperoni Goes Under The Cheese
Anyone who says differently is a terrorist.

I actually ordered a pizza from this one place (their redundant name will be left unsaid) and they actually told me that if I wanted the pepperoni under the cheese then all the veggies would have to go under too. It's not like I'm asking for diplomatic immunity here... I just want the pepperoni to go under the cheese. What a bunch of bastards. Why would they have to put everything under the cheese? I didn't realize there was such a thing as Pizza Communists. 

Pineapple (Blech!)
Speaking of toppings...
Pineapple. Really? Who's stupid fucking idea was that? Pineapple belongs in a fruit salad, or in a can in ring form.  Or on top of a pretty dancer's head. Not on top of pizza.

Fucking pineapple... 

No 2-4-1's Allowed
This is just a simple economics lesson:
Let's suppose you spend $13 on your pizza. Every business has about a 30-40% markup. So there's a cost of about $9 to your pizza. Let's minus $5 for labor and we're left with $4 for materials.

If they're giving you two pizzas for the price of one we divide that $4 in half and are left with $2 worth of ingredients in your pizza. What the hell kind of shitty-ass quality ingredients are they using on your two pizzas? Cheese is expensive and so is meat. Granted, the pizza people must buy in bulk... but really... you must be getting Grade C meats.

Even the slices from these places are awful. Surely you've been craving pizza while drunk and you stumble into your downtown cheap pizza place and you gaze upon the slices that have been sitting there for 2 hours. You know the pepperoni is in the wrong spot on top of the cheese. You can see that the cheese is hard and not gooey. The guy working there barely speaks English and doesn't know where Italy is. You reach into your pocket and pull out $2.49 in loose change that you wouldn't dare leave to an attractive waitress giving you booze. You think to yourself, "this is just enough for a slice". So you buy one. And it sucks.

Meanwhile, four blocks up the street, Fat Anthony's is getting ready to close down shop for the night and the slices left over in their display are all on sale for 50 cents because they've been sitting and the quality isn't quite there anymore. Clearly, you lose. 

Poor Man's Pizza
Lastly, I'm going to bring up something often overlooked, and that's "Poor Man's Pizza". Because you can't always afford to get the good stuff delivered and you don't want to waste your money on shitty frozen pizza. Buy some hamburger buns, a can of Ragu, and a small brick of mozarella and make some Poor Man's Pizza. It isn't really pizza, but it makes for a nice snack sometimes.

And on that note, I'm going to call Tata's. All this talk about pizza has me craving some pepperoni under the cheese. Keep watching that music video, and I'll see you later.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan