Those Would-Be World Conquerors

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Bad Guys won?

Suppose those stupid Ewoks were never found and the Death Star wasn't destroyed. Or Sloth never helped The Goonies. Or Egon never thought to cross the streams, and Gozer devestated Manhattan. These are the things that keep me up at night. So let's take a look at four Would-Be World Conquerors. What would the world be like if they succeeded for a change? 

Hank Scorpio
When we last saw Hank Scorpio he was running the Globex corporation. But that was secretly a front for an organization hell-bent on taking over the world. Homer Simpson took a job working for Scorpio, but quit before we ever found out if Hank won or lost his battle. We can only assume that Scorpio was not successful. However, if he did actually conquer the planet it might not have been so bad. Scorpio always had sugar available (even if not in packets) and he treated his employees very well. Would he have been so different to his worldly subjects? I can only see the scenario playing out one way. Scorpio would rule the world until he was taken down by the sheer awesomeness of Knight Rider. Then the people would be free again. 

Cobra Commander
Cobra Commander is the leader of Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. But he keeps losing to G.I.Joe. If Cobra were successful in defeating those Joes we could see increased Global Health Care, stronger Free Trade Issues, and free Dance Lessons for everyone. I hear Cobra Commander is a big fan of the salsa. Mind you, if you get out of line (or steal the Commander's dance partner) you'd be lucky to escape with your life. 

General Zod
If it weren't for the Son of Jor-El we would all have really scraped up knees. Yeah, if General Zod were actually able to maintain control over Planet Houston we would all be kneeling left, right, and center. Zod surely would've created a strong Global workforce, building castles and a palace dedicated to our leader. On the downside, he probably would've instituted an all black, glimmering dress code. Nobody needs to see me wearing one of those outfits. 

Pinky and The Brain
I'm not entirely convinced that Pinky and The Brain haven't already taken over the world. Just look at how our planet is run. Some of the cracked out news events seem like they would've been orchestrated by two lab mice running around in a wheel. Brain (the mastermind behind the whole operation) really uses Pinky to meet women. Brain isn't confident enough about his looks, so he keeps Pinky around to make himself look better. Behind every good leader is a good, strong woman. Remember that.

So the next time we're faced with a situation dealing with a possible despot, we should take a moment and consider all possibilities, good and bad. Because when you get down to it, "Shredder's School of Fine Cuisine" and "Skeletor's Deficit Refinement Plan" don't seem like bad ideas at all.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 Cartoon Babes

Some of you may say... Hey Ryan, I don't think this is the first time you've done a list like this. And you'd be right. A few years back I did a "Top 11 Cartoon Babes I'd Give Sweet Lovin' To" in RFC 'Zine #22. Well, it's been a few years since that list and not only are there new cartoons with new babes in them, but it's possible that my tastes may have changed a bit too. If you have that old 'Zine kicking around (hold on to it, cause it's a collector's item now), feel free to do a comparison. And if you wanna tell me who you think the Top Cartoon Babes are, feel free to comment below.

So since I myself am a cartoon, here's the Top 11 Cartoon Babes I'd Give Sweet, Sweet Lovin' To.

#11 - Poison Ivy Starting this list is Poison Ivy. It's no big, dark secret that I have a thing for redheads. It must be the Irish in me. Well, like most guys, I also have a thing for dangerous chicks. Poison Ivy will love you until she's done with you and then kill you without thinking twice. A date with her would be hard though, because what kind of flowers do you give a girl who is obsessed with plants? Chances are no matter what flowers you bring her, she already has them. Except that the ones she has will kill you. I think she might also be into girls, though it's never really been acknowledged as fact. I just get that feeling when I watch her team up with Harley Quinn on Batman: The Animated Series. Possible Date Idea: Plant trees together.  Make many "log" innuendos until you've got her naked.

#10 - Nikki Wong Nikki Wong (from 6Teen) gets the approval of The Lovely Wife. In her own words, "That chick is cool." Even the most uptight, prim & proper gentlemen have a thing for the bad-ass, speak-her-own-mind kind of girl. You just know that she's got a hidden tattoo and wants you to find it. Tattoos on chicks is like a bulls eye for getting in the sack. She's cool because of her purple hair and independence. We all know that many of the perfectly pretty girls are fun to look at but boring as hell to talk to. It's the cool girls who don't wear gobs of make-up that make for fun dates. And let's not... wait... the show's called 6Teen?  Uh... shit... Possible Date Idea: Take her downtown with a few rolls of toilet paper and "enhance" a statue. Then go to the mall and make fun of all the "perfect" girls together.

#9 - Janine Melnitz Nerdy girls rule. Often overlooked, the nerdy girl is a deep-down nymphomaniac. Janine (the geeky secretary for the Ghostbusters) has a thing for nerdy dudes. And chances are if you're actually reading this list, then you're a nerdy dude. Sorry, but c'mon. Really. I'm a big geek for even writing it. Even in the Ghostbusters movie, Janine was pretty hot. You'd take her home if you had a couple beer in you. In The Real Ghostbusters cartoon though she had something that made her desirable to everyone in the show. Possible Date Idea: Take her to a museum of science & technology and show her where babies come from.

#8 - Marge Simpson Marge, let your hair down all the time! Admit it, you get excited whenever you're watching the Simpsons and Marge finds a reason to let her hair down.  Marge might just be the ultimate Yummy Mummy, and since her standards are already really quite low from Homer J, you wouldn't have to put in too much work to get her in the sheets.  And I bet she'd even cook up some breakfast in bed in the morning. Possible Date Idea: I'm an old-school Simpsons fan, so I'd take Marge bowling and finish the deal that Jacques couldn't.

#7 - Hello Nurse Hellllllllllllooooooooooo Nurse! It's just fun to say. As a kid of the 80s, developing hormones in the early 90s, it was no surprise that Hello Nurse was the coolest thing on television in 1992. Let's not forget that nurses are on my "To Do" list anyway. Just try to find a guy who doesn't like nurses. Once again though, if you pay special attention you'll notice that Hello Nurse always hung around the scientist. Once again, the hot chicks like the nerdy dudes. That rules. Possible Date Idea: Take her somewhere to see something with lots of lights and noises and cute animals. Stupid girls eat that stuff up.

#6 - Jessica Rabbit The last time I did a list like this my good friend Andrew King said "If Jessica Rabbit isn't #1 then I'll be forced to hurt you." Sorry Andrew, she still isn't number one here, but I can see why he'd say that. After all, she isn't bad... she's just drawn that way. The third redhead on the list so far doesn't crack the top five simply because of her love for animals. C'mon... she had a thing for a rabbit. You know when you download some porn and it's this super-hot girl and you're all excited and then BAM! She puts a carrot in her. The mood is ruined instantly. That's kinda how it is with Jessica Rabbit. In Who Framed Roger Rabbit she was way cooler when we all thought she was just using Roger to get away with murder. Possible Date Idea: Go to the pet store and play with the bunnies. Just don't get upset when she likes them more than you.

#5 - Arcee Uh... yeah... Arcee here is a Transformer. I'm gonna get lots of weird comments over this. I degrade Jessica Rabbit for liking animals, yet I'll get it on with a Robot In Disguise. I don't really have any kind of defense here. But, if you ask any Trans-Fan (Transformers, not Transsexuals) they'll tell you that after watching Transformers: The Movie they thought Arcee was pretty cute. And she's my favorite color. I'd even stick it in the voice actress for Arcee. Arcee is nurturing and loving, and about one-hundred feet tall. So if you're in to tall girls, Arcee is perfect for you. Possible Date Idea: Take her to get an oil job, then give her an oil job of your own... after you stick it up her exhaust pipe.

#4 - April O'Neil Hands up if you think April O'Neil (from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) should've hooked up with Casey Jones. Yeah, me too. But she never did, so that means she's fair game for all of us. April may or may not have had a large orgy party with the TMNT, and frankly, we'll never know. But what we do know is that she looked good in her yellow jumpsuit. She must've had a closet full of them, because it's all she ever seemed to wear. April was also a little older than the Turtles, so it's no shocker that they dug her. Most teenage dudes dig at least one older woman. The experience that comes with them is uncanny. Sadly, April's love life was always dragged down by her roommate, Irma's, lack of one. Possible Date Idea: Have a picnic in the sewer with her, and for god's sake bring something to eat that isn't pizza. She must be sick of that by now.

#3 - Miss Maggie Dunlop Here's the final redhead on our list today. What could be more sexy to a geek than Drew Barrymore? The answer: Drew Barrymore as a cartoon! Shit yeah! Miss Maggie Dunlop (in Curious George) represents the female version of all us male geeks. She's dorky, and likes nerdy guys like the Man in the Yellow Hat. She's a little shy too when it comes to telling The Man In The Yellow Hat about her feelings for him. She digs history, and facts, and dinosaur bones, and she's great with kids. It's actually pretty cool just how much the animation of this character resembles Drew Barrymore. Right down to her one-sided, half-smile... it really seems like you're watching Barrymore as a cartoon. Let's not forget that Curious George is simply the best animated movie since the early 90s. That can't help but be good for her hotness. Possible Date Idea: Take her to see a sunset, then ask her to spank your monkey.

#2 - Glimmer There's just something about a girl with pink hair that gets me every time. In The Secret of the Sword, Glimmer meets She-Ra's twin brother He-Man, and she digs him. Most of the girls on the She-Ra cartoon enjoyed whenever He-Man would guest appear, but He-Man always seemed to be more interested in his own sister (and that's a completely different blog post). Glimmer was hot because of her attitude towards everything. Everything was cool with her. "Hey Glimmer, let's go throw rocks at old people." She'd say "Okay, whatever you wanna do." And with pink hair like that, you just gotta find out if the carpet matches the curtains. Possible Date Idea: Take her dancing at a club with lots of flashing lights, then get her really drunk. At that point, she'll not only wanna take you home, but she'll also invite She-Ra to tag along for a threesome.

#1 - Harley Quinn This girl is totally fucking crazy. And I love crazy chicks. Harley Quinn, originally Harleen Quinzell before being seduced by the Joker, is probably the most famous character from Batman: The Animated Series. Fanboys can't get enough of her. She's totally dedicated to her psychotic, abusive boyfriend, and as mentioned above she might also have a thing for Poison Ivy. I dunno what it is about a girl who dresses up as a clown... but you just gotta love it. Harley goes to the extreme to win the love and admiration of her man. One time she almost killed Batman, but her big mistake was that she was holding him for Mr. J to make the final kill. You can't rely on Batman to just hang around and wait to be offed.  Possible Date Idea: Just take her cruisin' and see what kind of trouble you can get into together. Don't expect to get in her pants on the first date though. She'll make you earn it.

That's it for this Top 11! Hope you all enjoyed it!
- ryan

Top 11 Rich People

Today we take a look at eleven rich people. Four of them just so happened to be bald. Coincidence? That could be a blog for another day. But really, if you've got all that money, you could afford a wig that at least looked real. Oh well, enjoy this list!

	#11 - Richie Rich (Harvey Comics) Sadly, Richie Rich used to be worth more than he is. Yeah, that poor little bastard spent forty million dollars in one candy shop. But don't think he's a spoiled little rich brat. While he may have inherited millions from his parents' fortune, Richie is always willing to share the wealth. Approximate Total Wealth: $2.3 Billion Dollars
	#10 - Lou Bond (Full House) Lou Bond used to live in the Tanner house when he was just a kid. After making millions in business he decided he wanted his old house back. The whole Tanner family was willing to sell, except for Michelle, who's little heart turned out to be the one thing Lou's money couldn't afford. Fucking idiot. Approximate Total Wealth: $2.6 Billion Dollars
	#9 - Lex Luthor (Superman) The only thing Luthor has more of than money is hatred towards The Man of Steel. Luthor has been able to buy whatever he wants his whole life. Women, cars, and people's morals are all possessions to ol' baldy. As the CEO of Lexcorp, Luthor practically owns half of Metropolis. Approximate Total Wealth: $3.1 Billion Dollars
	#8 - Billy Madison (Billy Madison) Billy, the heir to the Madison Hotels fortune, wasn't just handed his wealth. No, he had to work for it by re-doing his entire school career, from kindergarten to high school. Another wealthy man, with a good heart, he isn't shy about throwing parties for his friends. Approximate Total Wealth: $5.2 Billion Dollars
	#7 - Scrooge McDuck (Duck Tales) Scrooge McDuck has so much money that he can swim in it... and he does! Everyone in Duckberg wants their hands on Scrooge's money, but luckily since Scrooge is a good person he gets help from his three nephews and Gizmo-Duck. Approximate Total Wealth: $5.2 Billion Dollars + One lucky penny
	#6 - Willy Wonka (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory) Okay, the dude owns his own amazing chocolate factory. He can have pretty much anything he wants. But what he really needed in the end was a good friend like Charlie.  Though, having a glass elevator that can go pretty much anywhere is also pretty rad.  Imagine the dates you could have in that thing! Approximate Total Wealth: $7.9 Billion Dollars
	#5 - Prince Akeem (Coming To America) Akeem was so rich that he could've had anything he wanted in his home country. But he knew the only way to find true love would be to live like an ordinary man in Queens, New York.  Remember, when you think of garbage, think of Akeem! Approximate Total Wealth: $12.7 Billion Dollars
	#4 - Batman (Batman... duh!) By day he poses at Bruce Wayne, the only child of Thomas and Martha Wayne. He's the owner of Wayne Enterprises. But he takes his piles of money and uses them to get awesome gadgets for fighting crime.  You'd think he would use some of that moolah to make people forget about the awful Batman & Robin movie. Approximate Total Wealth: $19.9 Billion Dollars
	#3 - Mr. Burns (The Simpsons) If you're going to go big, go nuclear! It certainly doesn't hurt that Mr. Burns is like one hundred years old. He's had a lot of time to invest that money. He uses his money and power to watch over Springfield with his echoing vampire-like laugh. The city is pretty much already his, but the residents just don't know it yet. Approximate Total Wealth: $34.7 Billion Dollars
	#2 - Daddy Warbucks (Annie) Warbucks said it himself "I'm richer than Midas" in the song "I Don't Need Anything" from the Annie movie. He may not have the golden touch, but his billiard-ball head and oodles of money don't mean anything without his little orphan Annie.  It also doesn't hurt to have a bad-ass like Punjab hanging around protecting your assets, both physical and monetary. Approximate Total Wealth: $42.8 Billion Dollars
	#1 - "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase (WWF) When DiBiase wasn't allowed to buy the WWF Championship, he did the next best thing. He created his own championship belt. The Million Dollar Belt is all gold and diamonds. DiBiase has so much cash kicking around that he could freely stuff $100 bills down peoples throats. He has his own personal bodyguard, Virgil, that will do anything for him. And he has the most vicious sounding laugh. Everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man. Approximate Total Wealth: $72.8 Billion + The Million Dollar Belt

Thanks for reading!
- ryan