Deep Down, Everyone's A Leafs Fan

Who knew Skeletor was a fan!

There, I said it.
Now before you get all up in arms about this, hear me out: Let's not forget that I'm proudly wearing my Cam Neely Bruins sweater as I write this blog. But really, deep down we're all Leafs fans in one way or another.

Let me explain.

You see, there are three types of people in this world, which we are about to explore:

Die-Hard Leafs Fans
We all know someone like this. They're a Leafs fan. They're dad was a Leafs fan. His dad was a Leafs fan too. It's hereditary.

These are the people you see in your neighborhood that wake up, get in their car and drive to Tim Horton's to pick up a couple double-doubles or triple-triples and bring them back home instead of just making their own coffee. These people really exist. They need an entire garbage bag each week just for their Timmie's cups. Surely you've seen the "TML" flag blowing in the wind on the radial of their car. They might even sport an homage mustache to Wendel Clark.  Okay, that last one would even impress me.  Wendel Clark kicked some ass back in his day.  The 'stache.

Oh yes, the Wendel mustache turns their wives on in ways that vibrators just can't do.
These are the fans that will shout at bars after the first game of the season. You'll hear, "Dynasty! Dynasty!" And it'll be after edging out the last-place Columbus Blue Jackets in overtime. (Note: This blog will NEVER become dated so long as the BJs aren't willing to get their shit together)

These fans also have the number "67" tattooed on their arms, or incorporated into their license plate somehow... "LEEFS67"... to represent the last time Toronto actually won a Stanley Cup. It's not wise to mention to these particular Leafs fans that the last time Toronto won that Cup though, television was still only in black and white. Some of them might believe there's some color on the cup, and it's not just different shades of grey.

Casual Leafs Fans

Me in '95 or '96

Yeah, that was me on the right. I was the prime example of a "Casual Leafs Fan" in the early 90s.

You see, every so often Toronto actually puts a team together worthy of some excitement. And if they can't, they just change their coach or their logo or get a new mascot.  One of those is bound to bring in a cup.

In 1992-93 the Maple Leafs made one of the largest trades in NHL history with the Calgary Flames. In doing so, they acquired Doug Gilmour who really added some depth and grit to the team. All of a sudden, they were winning games, and people weren't so ashamed to cheer for Toronto anymore. I was also an impressionable youth of twelve years old, and I caught this "blue n' white fever" too.  I had previously been cheering for the LA Kings and had a sweet Gretzky jersey.  The kids at school asked if I were a B-Boy, but I didn't know what that was at the time.

That year, the Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup. And I truly believe that WAS Toronto's year. There's lots of controversy about the Leafs/Kings semi-final series that I'm not going to get into here. I just don't care that much anymore.

Sure, I continued to cheer for the Leafs for another few years, but once the team became all about Mats Sundin and Owen Nolan, I totally jumped ship. And this is common of most "casual" Leafs fans. Once they realize that Toronto isn't doing anything to try and actually make the team better, they just lose interest altogether. The lifespan of a casual Leafs fan is somewhere between four and five years.

The Toronto Make-Me-Laughs
The last type of Leafs fan is everyone else. See, you don't have to actually like The Maple Leafs to be a Leafs Fan. Hockey fans who don't cheer for Toronto LOVE to see them lose. And this, in a way, is sort of being a fan. We're fans of watching them lose. And we're fans of listening to those "Die-Hards" go on about how unstoppable the Leafs are while they suck back on their Timmie's.

"The Leafs are the best!"
"Uh... why?"
"Because they're the Leafs!"
"Umm... I don't really see how --"
"Go Leafs go!"

Go where? That saying, "Go Leafs Go", has got to be the stupidest phrase ever uttered by anyone. Not only is it just bad English, which can be expected after your third or fourth double-double of the morning, but it doesn't really mean anything. Fans do it for other teams too and I don't know why.

So as you can see, one way or another, we're all fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. You can go ahead and kill yourself now.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Canada Day and the 4th of July

July 1st is Canada Day.  For those of you who don't live in Canada and are reading this, you might just imagine that it's like the 4th of July, but for Canadians.  And now that I've written that, I fully expect to have my Canadian citizenship taken away.

You see, Canadians don't really like having themselves compared to their southern neighbors.  I think it was best summed up on an episode of The Kids In The Hall when Dave Foley was asked if he was American, and he said something along the lines of, "I'm a Canadian.  It's like an American, but I don't carry a gun."

...just Ontario.

As Canadians, we're very quick to point out the differences between us and the U.S. of A.  Heaven forbid if someone thinks we're from 'Murica.

"We have free national healthcare for all Canadians!"
"We don't walk around with guns and shoot each other for no reason!"
"Our beer doesn't taste like crap!"
"We're polite, gosh darnit!"

Gosh darnit, some of those facts are pretty darn nice.  And combined, let's not forget that Canadian hockey teams have won more Stanley Cups than American hockey teams.  Because that's really important to us, you know.  Ask any die-hard Maple Leafs fan, and they'll tell you - if the Leafs aren't gonna win a Cup this year, then it should be another Canadian team (except Montreal, of course) because the Cup belongs to Canada.

Gosh darnit!

We're so polite that one of our Provinces tried to leave the country a few years back and we almost let them go.  Does that make Quebec the girlfriend to the rest of Canada that just hangs around to keep the family together so the kids will always have two parents?

And what about those gun laws?  We sure do love to talk about Canadian gun control.  We're not violent little shits like those Americans, no sir!  Heck, there's never a murder in Canada.  Well, not one that we talk about in great detail anyway, because we're so gosh darn polite we'd rather talk about your Aunt's Maple Syrup.  Apparently, according to her, it was a good year for maple syrup.  Well then, serve me up some pancakes!

Just for fun, here's a video I made a few years back about the difference between the U.S.A. and Canada.  I put their name first to be polite.  And really, the video is about the difference between American Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and Canadian Kraft Dinner.

That was fun, gosh darnit.

Maybe someday I'll do a comparison of the Canadian and American versions of Smarties.

I've often wondered why Americans are so quick to shoot their guns at each other.  My only answer is that their Reese Peanut Butter Cups come in packages of two, instead of three like here in Canada.  And yet, we're quick to tell America they have an obesity problem.  I don't know about you, but if there were only two peanut butter cups in a pack, I'd be upset.  Maybe not enough to shoot someone, but then again I've never been in that situation before.  I have a tummy, and I'm not obese, but gosh darnit I want three peanut butter cups.  That's like, one per period of the game.

I miss those Canadian Heritage Minutes.  Remember those?

This guy's Canadian, yo.

"Doctor... I smell... burnt toast!!!!!"
Those were a lot of fun.  The ones I remember most vividly were the ones where we tried to claim credit for Superman and Basketball.  To be sure, Basketball was created by Canadian James Naismith and it's a great game, but the sport is so much more popular in the States and there's only one Canadian team in the NBA.  And don't get me started on how Superman stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way.  That's a whole blog for another day.  (PS - he was only half created by a Canadian)

About fifteen years ago I saw a local band playing on Canada Day at a place called Lake Ontario Park. They were a mullet band, so of course I watched them.  For some ridiculous reason they decided to play John Mellencamp's "Pink Houses" and change the lyrics from "Ain't that America" to "Ain't that Canada."  I'm not sure where the crowd buried their bodies, but there could have been a riot there comparable to the 2011 Vancouver riots after the Stanley Cup was won by my Boston Bruins.

Yeah, I cheer for an American hockey team.  Sorry...?

But I do love living in Canada.  We're great people.  Kind, friendly, polite, apologetic, and just plain swell.  If we were potato chips, we'd probably be Sour Cream n' Onion flavored.  We're not for everybody, but those who love us REALLY love us.

I'll leave you with this fun graphic I made.
- ryan

extensively researched while enjoying a European ale.