Miss Elizabeth WAS A Total Babe

Miss Elizabeth Is WAS A Total Babe

Originally, I was going to showcase a list of my favorite wrestlers of all time, but then I felt the need to talk about the 1st Lady of Wrestling, the lovely Miss Elizabeth.

For many of us, Miss Elizabeth was our first celebrity crush. She had it all. Great legs. Gorgeous smile. Barely spoke. Everything a testosterone driven youngling wants in a woman. And there was even an action figure of her that we could play with. Talk about therapy in the making!

I was only seven years old when I started getting interested in WWF wrestling, and Miss Elizabeth was manager to "Macho Man" Randy Savage. She lead him to a WWF Championship at Wrestlemania IV in 1988, and then she started hanging out with Hulk Hogan too. The 90s weren't very good to Miss Elizabeth though. She appeared with Dusty Rhodes at Wrestlemania VI, and then vanished for a couple years before re-hooking up with Savage and marrying him. She was probably sick of Dusty's polka dots. Another few years went by under the radar, and Miss Elizabeth showed up in WCW at the end of the decade. We knew she'd gotten older, and she accepted her role as a cougar with stunning grace, and black leather boots. She died after managing Lex Luger. And yes, I still believe he knocked her out-to-death with his metal forearm.


I went to Wrestlemania VI in 1990. It was a great trip. There were over sixty-seven thousand people in Toronto's SkyDome, but I will always remember one specific person.

I was waiting in line with my dad, and all the other wrestling fans. Of course the conversation turned to the topic of Miss Elizabeth. Back then, wrestling was supposed to be about family entertainment. But it was that afternoon that I learned what "tongue painting" was, and how the stranger in front of me in line would offer his "tongue painting" services to Miss Elizabeth any time she wanted.

As sad as it is to no longer have Miss Elizabeth in this world, at least we can look back on all the fond (and sexy) memories of her. I'm getting all nostalgic and might just go buy the Wrestlemania IV DVD. Those were peaceful times... before the Mega-Powers exploded.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Wrestlemania

My daughter was born on April 1st, and undoubtedly I'd like to think of that as the happiest day of my life.

But long before I had a daughter, April 1st was very special to me because it was the day my dad took me to Wrestlemania VI in Toronto to see The Ultimate Warrior do battle with Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship.

In 1990 I was a huge WWF fan.  I mean, I ate, slept, and breathed wrestling.  My favorites were The Ultimate Warrior, Bret "Hitman" Hart, and Macho Man (even though he was a villain at this time known as the Macho King).

The morning of April 1st, my dad woke me up early to let me know that Wrestlemania had been cancelled.  I only fell for it for a second or two and then realized it was April Fool's Day.  Nice try dad.

I'm actually surprised by how much I remember about being at Wrestlemania VI.  It was over twenty-five years ago.  I was only nine years old.

Me at the mall with my mother; notice my awesome Ultimate Warrior shirt?  Please don't notice my awful track pants.

 Down the road from the Skydome was a large wrestling ring built by Campbell's soup, and they had some wrestlers doing their thing while free cans of Campbell's soup were being given out.  I declined the free can of soup, mostly because I didn't want to have to carry it around Toronto with me all day.

While waiting outside the Skydome to get in, some pervy old man was talking about Miss Elizabeth and how if he had the chance he would tongue paint her.  I'd like to think that's when and where I learned what cunningulus is.  Thank you, creepy pervy guy outside the Skydome.

Inside, we sat in front of this crazy wrestling fan.  She was old, missing some teeth, and had one of those large foam Hulk Hogan fingers.  When she found out I was cheering for The Ultimate Warrior to defeat the Hulkster, the fucking crazy bitch actually hit me with her foam finger. 

I remember being very excited to see Robert Goulet sing "O Canada".  I had seen Beetlejuice a few times by this point in my life, and Robert Goulet was pretty cool in it.  Before he sang the anthem, and the event began there was something called a "Dark Match", which is basically a wrestling match to warm the crowd up a bit before the televised event begins.  I was surprised and disappointed when I got a VHS tape of Wrestlemania VI months later that the match between Paul Roma and the Brooklyn Brawler wasn't on it.

I was very excited when Andre The Giant smacked around Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.  I really only knew Andre as a heel in the world of wrestling, having only been a fan since WM3, and everyone knew he wouldn't be around much longer, so it was really awesome to be able to say I was there to see his redemption in front of his fans.

I still have my ticket stub from Wrestlemania VI

From where we were sitting, the ring looked pretty small.  Our $75 tickets had us about halfway up.  Apparently ringside seats were in the $150 range.  Luckily, we had a great view of the large screen in the Skydome.  So we were able to see everything being broadcast over pay-per-view, even if we couldn't hear the incredible Jesse "The Body" Ventura speak.  So we were able to see some of the important details.  I was ecstatic to see Miss Elizabeth, and half wondered if that guy from outside the Skydome would get his chance to tongue paint her.  Unfortunately she was there for Dusty Rhodes, and not the Macho King.

But let's face it.  Everyone was there to see the Hogan/Warrior match.  And as soon as the Warrior pinned Hogan for both the WWF Championship and the Intercontinental belt, we were out of our seats and on our way out of the building.  My dad wanted to beat the traffic and not get stuck in any kind of mob.  He was always like that, even at hockey games we went to locally.  So I never got the opportunity to tell that crazy bitch with the foam finger that she could suck a male camel's dick.

As we went back to catch our bus home, I saw a man make fun of a midget.  That was sad and uncomfortable.  She was a midget.  Big deal.  And he was all like, "Hey everyone!  Look at the midget!"  Then we passed by a homeless guy asking for change, and I kind of wish I would have taken that free can of Campbell's soup.  I could have given it to him.  And he could have traded it for crack.  Not much crack, but probably a little fix.  I'm not really an expert in crack value.

Wow, I'm way off topic.

This was pretty much my view.

Wrestlemania VI had a lasting impression on me.  I must have watched the VHS a hundred times.  I proudly wore my Ultimate Challenge shirt and ball cap everywhere.  I even made friends at the mall with an older man because of it.  No, this is nothing weird, he saw me with my mom and I was wearing my shirt and he was getting his photos from Wrestlemania VI developed there.  So we hung out with him so I could see his pictures.

To this day, I still get excited to talk about being there.  Whenever I get talking about wrestling with someone they look at me in awe when I say I was at Wrestlemania VI.  It's fondly remembered by everyone.

Sadly, Miss Elizabeth passed away a few years back.  I wonder if that pervy guy ever got to tongue paint her.  I mean, it's always nice to hear of people's dreams coming true.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Me, in 1990 wearing my Bret The Hitman tank top and trying to do the Ravishing Rick Rude hip swing.

So Long, Hot Rod

I was very sad yesterday to learn that "Rowdy" Roddy Piper had passed away at the age of 61.

Piper, one of my very favorite WWF wrestlers of all-time, made a huge impact on impressionable wrestling fans like myself when we were growing up and following Hulkamania right through to the nWo and into today's still stupidly named "WWE".

My earliest memories of Hot Rod were that he was the bad guy. 

I first discovered wrestling in the mid-80s on the Hulk Hogan's Rock N' Wrestling cartoon.  Week after week, the Hulkster would have to foil the dastardly plans of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and The Iron Sheik.  I knew Hogan was the champ, and that he bodyslammed Andre The Giant.  I also knew that Piper was the bad guy, because he was on the cartoon.  Little did I know that at this point Roddy had already begun his transformation from wrestling heel to crowd favorite. 

I just can't bring myself to type that Piper was a babyface.  I imagine he wouldn't have wanted to be called one either.

I was a wrestling mega-fan from 1989 to about 1994.  I ate, slept, and breathed wrestling.  It was in the Spring of '89 that Piper returned to the WWF to begin his second career there.  At first I still thought he was one of the bad guys, because I had such fond memories of the old cartoon and the sticker album that went along with it.  But then he started feuding with guys like Ravishing Rick Rude and The Mountie and he was clearly over with the crowd.

But he wasn't a babyface.  After all, color-commentator Jesse "The Body" Ventura would praise Piper's wrestling from the booth while he was quick to denounce Hulkamania.  And the real wrestling fans loved The Body because he told the truth.

I only got to see Piper fight live once in my life.  I was at Wrestlemania VI when he fought Bad News Brown, and had painted himself half-black.  That was something.

But looking back on Piper's career, what's interesting is what he taught us - that sometimes the 'bad guy' isn't really all that bad.  Sometimes he's just misunderstood in a world where he doesn't really fit in anyway.  And as time goes on, that misunderstood character can break through and get past other peoples' perceptions while not deterring from what he ever was in the first place.  In time, he isn't just accepted but actually revered and beloved by many, simply for being himself and telling it like it is.

In today's wrestling world I find something similar with Dean Ambrose.  Only time will tell if he's the real deal like Piper was or if he's trying to do a really solid Hot Rod impression for a new generation.

Piper taught us many things over the years.  That it's not just okay to wear a kilt but highly respectable, and that you can stop an alien invasion with a cheap pair of sunglasses, and most importantly that you never throw rocks at a guy who has a machine gun.

So long, Hot Rod.

- ryan