Top 11 Video Game Babes

Chun-Li

Since you all loved my Top 11 Cartoon Babes list so much, I have been asked to do a Top 11 Video Game Babes list.  Now, be forewarned that I am NOT a gamer.  I've never even touched most of the popular games from the last ten years.  So if you're looking for some Final Fantasy babes or GTA babes, they're not here.  My video game knowledge is mostly limited to the games I played as a teen in the 90s and the NHL series by EA Sports. And try as you might, Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins just isn't a babe in my books.  I tried to play Arkham Asylum and never bothered finishing it.  And I love me some Batman.

So here we go.
  
11. Cooking Mama (Cookling Mama Cook Off)
I don't really care for this game.  The Lovely Wife played it a lot when we first got a Nintendo Wii in 2008.  We used our leftover Honeymoon money to buy one.  Anyway, Cooking Mama is here simply because a girl who can cook is sexy to me.

10. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)
You might wonder why Miss Croft is so low on this list.  One reason: the movie.  I just don't like Angelina Jolie.  Sorry Angelina, nothing personal.  I guess that's not very nice of me.  I don't even know her.  I've heard that Daisy Ridley might be playing Lara Croft.  If that happens, she'll move up higher on this list.

09. Head Mistress Helga (Revolution X)
As usual, I've found a way to somehow insert Aerosmith into my Top 11 list.  You should be used to it by now.  When I first played this game as a young teen, Helga was clearly a villain.  But now as an adult, the idea of Head Mistress Helga in her black leather with her whip is kinda cool.  And she kidnapped Aerosmith.  High five.

Music is the weapon to defeat Head Mistress Helga!  Shoot her with CDs!  I'm not kidding!  Fire those CDs!

08. Judy Nails (Guitar Hero II)
Chicks who play the guitar are hot.   'Nuff said.

07. Marian (Double Dragon)
Years of reading comic books has left with me a complex that think damsels in distress are attractive.  Though I always wondered why both of the Double Dragons were on this quest.  Once rescued, did they have to share Marian?  Would they eventually battle for her love, and ultimately sweet, sweet kisses? 

06. Chun-Li (Street Fighter II Turbo)
Back in the day nobody wanted to be beat up by a girl.  At one point in history it was actually embarrassing to get beat up by a girl.  Time have changed, and so have  mindsets, and I think getting whooped by Chun-Li would be pretty sexy.

She can fly!!!!!!!!!!!

05. Princess Toadstool (Super Mario Bros. 2)
I'm old school.  I just can't bring myself to call her Princess Peach.
Also, I'm picking the version from Super Mario 2 because this was the first game where she actually contributed.  We already have one damsel in distress on this list.  I remember playing this game as a kid and since you could choose which character to use, so many people would use the Princess because, "she can fly".  I like to think this just made it easier to look up Toadstool's dress.

04. You (The Sims)
Good morning beautiful.  You're a fucking gorgeous human being.  Now, create an exact copy of yourself in a computer game and lock yourself in a room until you pee on the floor.

03. Princess Zelda (Zelda)
It's unfortunate that the adventures of Link weren't named after him.  I mean, if you're talking with someone about sexy video game characters (like maybe I was for this blog) and they never played many games and just know the titles you might get a weird look for saying something like, "I'd totally hook up with Zelda."  Because the other person might think you're talking about Link.  Or maybe they're giving you a weird look because you're talking about having sex with a video game character.  Or maybe you live in your parents' basement.  And you wonder why you keep getting stuck in the "Friend Zone" with chicks.

02. Rosalina (Mario Kart Wii)

I'd blow in her cartridge.

I have made so many inappropriate comments about Rosalina over the years while playing Mario Kart, that to this day when we play The Lovely Wife refers to her as "Your Stupid Whore Girlfriend" when Rosalina hits her with a red shell.
I even blogged about her being a total babe - "Rosalina Is a Total Babe"

01. Juliet (Lollipop Chainsaw)
This is one of my favorite video games ever.  And I never even finished it.  I just loved the idea of a high school cheerleader running around with a chainsaw and slashing up zombies.  It was pretty much everything I ever loved about the shitty movies my buddy Riot used to make me watch all those years ago. I read some poor reviews of this game before buying it, and still said, "Fuck it, it's a cheerleader with a chainsaw slashing up zombies... shut up and take my money."

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

(And how about an honorable mention to the Leisure Suit Larry series, which could have it's own Top 11 in this category...)

In Another Castle

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

You needed my help
I was there in a flash
Sometimes flashing
Feeling like nothing could
Stop me from reaching you

I wanted to pick you flowers
I could feel the fire
Inside the dark castle
The fire that burns inside me

I was tricked by the demons
I thought I was there
I thought you were there
You were in another castle

I ran faster and faster
Swimming in the deep blue
Falling down the pipes
The pipes of green death
All just to be with you

I slayed the dragon for you
Seven straight times he died
I faced the flames and evils
But you were in another castle

I lost my poor brother
I guess I One-upped him
He loved you differently than I
He just ran out of power
And became a smaller man

How could a princess love me
A simple plumber, am I
Why put forth such a hassle
I'll continue looking for you
After eight, and begin again
My princess, so beautiful
Is in another castle

Super Mother Fu**ing Nintendo

Now we're playing with power. Super power!

Back in 1990 it seemed like the world couldn't get any better. We'd just experienced a Batman movie, the Gulf War was yet to happen, and all five members of Aerosmith had been clean and sober for a couple years. Oh, and there was this little gray box called Nintendo. Nope, life couldn't get much sweeter than that.

But then came the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES). From the first glance, it just HAD to be better. I mean, fuck, it had two more buttons on the front called "X" and "Y". Maybe this meant that Mario could do different kinds of jumps, or throw something other than fire. The possibilities seemed endless.

My first experience with the SNES came at a family get together in Napanee Ontario (home of Miss Avril Lavigne and the Napanee Beaver). My cousin Wayne brought his Super Nintendo and introduced me to a game called NHLPA '93. Up until that point my only hockey game experience really was Blades of Steel. But holy shit, in NHLPA '93 you could play as real teams with real NHL players! You could skate as Mike Gartner or Al Iafrate! Sure, most people wanted to be Lemieux or Gretzky, but I was happy to have Ron Hextal in net. Later that day I started playing Super Mario World and Starfox. I was hooked.

When I returned home, I tried playing Blade of Steel again. It just wasn't the same anymore. I tried doing my own commentary for the game, but I lost track of which of my players was Mike Gartner pretty fast. Pretty soon I was begging my parents for a Super Nintendo. At first it was a hard sell. Both parents insisted that the regular Nintendo was just fine. We all did our best to pretend that blinking thing it did was just part of the fun of the game. But since my mom likes Mario and my dad likes Tetris, I eventually convinced them we needed super power.


I consider the Super Nintendo to be the greatest video game system ever made. Sure, the graphics are dated now, but they were pretty good for 16-bit at the time. What made this system so special was the play value of the games. Sure, from time to time you'd still get a dud game like Batman Forever or Mega Robot Golf, but the great definitely outweighed the bad.

Nintendo was smart too. They knew how popular the original Mario games were, so they re-packaged them together on one cartridge with the long-lost (and super-difficult) original version of Super Mario 2. They made a new Zelda adventure that knocked the socks off the original. They helped bring Mortal Kombat to our blood-thirsty attention... even though the SNES version didn't have any blood in it. All in all, they totally one-upped their classic NES with the Super Nintendo.

Even the smallest detail of loading the games in the top of the machine to avoid that horrible blinking was pure genius.

The only real competition at the time was the Sega Genesis, a system similar to the SNES but a little more risque with their games. The Genesis had no problem showing blood and guts in Mortal Kombat. This video game war divided friendships in the schoolyards. You either liked Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis. It was like being in the middle of a huge war over race and religion.  Or kinda like WWF versus WCW. Eventually the SNES outlasted Sega's baby, much to no surprize.

So let's all tip our hats to the Super Nintendo. It didn't set the stage for where video games are now, but it definitely pointed the evolution in the right track.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

What If Real Life Were Like Super Mario Bros?

Remember the cartoon called The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3? It's a horrible cartoon from the early 90s based on an incredibly good video game. Several times in the series, Mario and Luigi travel back to the real world which leads me to ponder, "What if real life were like Super Mario Bros."? 

Free Money!
You would never need to work for a living. All you'd really have to do is look around and you'd find money just laying on the ground. Sometimes it's hidden in boxes, but plenty of money is just laying there, ready for the taking. In the video game, when you collect 100 coins you get an extra life. So I would assume that in real life, the more money you have means you'll just live longer. Or maybe you can trade in your coins in the netherworld for another life. Hmm.... I'd better start saving up. 

Fire Is At Your Fingertips
In the video game, you can find a magic flower that gives you "Firepower". You can literally throw fire at the bad guys, and it's much easier than jumping on their heads. So imagine if in real life you could hurl a fireball at someone you didn't like. There you are, having a bad day at work, and on your way home some arsehole cuts you off at the intersection. Normally you just let them get away with it... but not today buster! One quick flick of your wrist and you'll be bale to roast marshmallows on them.


No Need To Breathe That Polluted Air Anymore
In the Mushroom Kingdom there is no need to breathe air. Need proof? Mario swims underwater and never needs to come up for air. Now, you might argue that maybe Mario can just hold his breath for the 200 or 300 second time limit for that water level, but c'mon let's face it. Mario is an overweight plumber. He can probably only hold his breath for 40 seconds tops. So imagine you could go underwater and not have to come up. You'd chill out at the beach, underwater, and check out all the girls in their bikinis. Well, that's what I would do anyway. 

White Men CAN Jump
Ever gotten something caught in a tree? Or stuck up on your roof? No problem! If real life were like Super Mario Bros. we'd be able to just jump to those tough-to-reach places. All we'd need is a running start and maybe a mushroom, because you can jump higher when you're big n' super from a mushroom. 

But let's be realistic here. After all, there are definitely two ways that real life IS like Super Mario Bros.

Stars
In the video game, when you touch a magic star you become invincible to everything else (except for maybe falling down a bottomless pit) and you're practically unstoppable. In real life, people that are considered "stars" are invincible and get away with just about whatever they want.

You Can't Always Get What You Want
Mario spends the whole game searching for Princess Toadstool, who is constantly "In Another Castle", and when he finally rescues her from the clutches of the evil King Koopa, he is forced back to the start of the game to do it all over again, but just a little harder. Now if that isn't a euphemism for real life, then I don't know what is.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Good God, I Want A Power Glove

"It's so bad."

The Nintendo Power Glove was one of those defining toys of a generation. Our parents had ray-guns. We had Nintendo. We were truly playing with power. That is, until 1992 when we stopped playing with power and started playing with Super Power! But that's a story for another day.

Most of us were given our first view of a Power Glove in the movie The Wizard, starring Fred Savage. If you've never seen it, go rent it or stop by my house to watch it with me. If you're a pretty girl I'll even make popcorn. It has some great lines such as "He touched my breast!", "Cal-i-for-nee-ya", and "This one's called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". Sure, the movie is really a 90 minute Nintendo ad, but at least it's entertaining.



Without spoiling the truly deep plot of The Wizard, we can examine the spotlight that was the Power Glove... and Lucas.

Yes, that's right Lucas! He's quite possibly the greatest Nintendo player who ever lived. Other Nintendo-ers fear his name alone. Some of us have peed our pants just thinking of challenging this legend. He's not just good at one game. No, no, he's beaten them all! In fact, Lucas is such a threat to every other Nintendo-nerd's very existence that he even has flunkies that do dirty work for him. His minions search out those who can wield a NES controller with grace and persistence. They look for those who know the secret of "up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right-a-b-a-b-select-start". Then they bring them before Lucas, their king.

Swiftly, and without any sign of empathy, Lucas has destroyed all those that have challenged his Nintendo greatness. His only defeat (and one that shouldn't count because it was a three-person game) came at the hands of Jimmy at the end of The Wizard. Lucas must have let Jimmy have that victory to feel better about himself. It just goes to show that Lucas isn't a total dictator in the many worlds of Mario.

I have decided that it is upon my shoulders to get a power glove while defeating Lucas and freeing the rest of the Nintendo players from his tyranny. And thus begins the greatest duel in the history of all histories... 
Lucas versus Ryan! 
Here's how the combatants match up:

	LUCAS	RYAN
Game of choice	Rad Racer	Bubble Bobble
Quote	"I love the Power Glove.  It's so bad."	"I have a penis.  And it's really cool."
Mario, Luigi, or Princess?	Princess... she can fly.	Luigi... he has something to prove.
Would he touch her breast?	Probably already did.	Would've as a kid.
Number of lines in Tetris	157	168
Sworn enemy	Jimmy, who won the tourney.	Scott, who often wins at Monopoly.

Announcing today's festivities are none other than my old friend The Lord of Chaos.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Ryan challenged Lucas to a game of Rad Racer? Wow, lemme tell ya I haven't seen such a display of finely crafted technique in years! In fact, I've barely done anything in years! Lucas stated he would only do battle in his castle, and when Ryan showed up he exclaimed 'Bring it on, Jesus!'. Ryan grabbed his controller and hit the start button. Lucas grabbed the Power Glove, but was quickly stopped by Ryan. Lucas agreed to not use the greatest weapon ever, and that if he were to win, it would be honorably with a NES controller. What happened next was a landslide victory for Lucas. Ryan never stood a chance against his Royal NESness. Oh well, win some, lose some!"

Well, I still don't have a Power Glove...but I really want one. If I find one at a Flea Market I'll definitely buy one. If anyone out there has one they'd like to give me as a nice early Christmas present, I'd cherish it forever.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Rosalina Is A Total Babe

Rosalina, a total biker babe

What's hotter than a hot chick on a motorcycle?

Okay, I realize that Rosalina here isn't even a cartoon character - she's a video game character, and that's actually even less cool, but let's face facts.  A chick on a motorcycle is hot.

She just is.  Motorcycle babes are total babes.

When I'm playing Mario Kart on the Wii, and I've been riding in first place for most of the race, and suddenly I get lambasted with a Blue Shell of Death, I get really mad.  Until I realize that the shell was sent to me by Rosalina.  And then all is forgiven because she's a total babe.

I don't even know if Rosalina has ever been in any other Nintendo game.  As far as I'm concerned, she was put in Mario Kart to sexy it up a bit.

Not Rosalina, but still a total biker babe

And when I play in two-player mode against my darling wife, I don't let her bully Rosalina around.  In video game land, Rosalina is my woman and my real wife just needs to understand and accept that.

I kinda wonder how Princess Toadstool (apparently called "Peach" these days) feels about having another pretty lady kicking around in the Mushroom Kingdom.  I mean, she's always been the number one gal that all the plumbers (both red and green) are digging.

Well, until someone named Daisy came about just so Green Mario could have a girlfriend too.  Oh wait, there's also Toadette - who's a bit of a babe in her own way too, but in the same sense as dating an eighteen year old high school girl and being her prom date is.

And let's not forget Birdo.  You're one fucked up freak if that's your idea of a babe fantasy.

So I'll stick with Rosalina.  Total Babe.

And, fuck it, I wrote this rant after drinking a whole bunch of beer.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

I don't know who this is dressed up as Rosalina, but she doesn't have a motorcycle.

Lollipop Chainsaw

...for the record, I've only made it past the first level of this game, and it's the pretty much the greatest game I've ever played.  And I've finished Bubble Bobble twice.

A cheerleader, who just turned eighteen, running around with a chainsaw and killing zombies appeals to all six of my lowest common denominators.

The guy at EB Games said, "It's okay, but it gets really repetitive really fast," when I asked him about it.  Then he suggested I buy the last game from the same developers because, "it's pretty much one continuous penis joke."

Uh... okay, I think I'll spend my time ogling the cheerleader with the chainsaw.

Did I mention that our hero's boyfriend is voiced by Michael Rosenbaum?  Mother fuckin' Lex friggin' Luthor!  Awwww yeah!

The controls aren't too hard either.  Keep in mind, my video game history revolves mostly around classic NES games and the NHL series.  I'm not used to these "serious" gamer games.  I'm really tempted to include a joke about my Wii here, but I'll let you use your imagination. 

All in all, I'd give this a game four out of... aww fuck it, it has a cheerleader with a chainsaw!  This games rules!

- ryan

Top 11 Things I Did While Retired...

Retirement is a funny thing.  How many times did Kiss retire?  Rocky Balboa returned nearly 20 yeras after Rocky V.  My mother is a retired telephone operator and she still answers the ringy-dingies when I call her.

Over the last ten months or so I've found myself itching to write.  I don't care so much about hocking T-shirts and thongs with my face on them anymore.  I'm not interetsted all that much in people filling out forms to be my "fans". 

But I do have a need to write.  And to share whatever crap is going through my mind. 

So call it what you want... an "un-retirement", if you will... I still get referred to as Mr. Fan Club by people (Dilworth, you know who you are)... so I'm gonna write and you're gonna read, just like it always was meant to be.

And what better way to re-start than with a Top 11 Things I Did While Retired...

11.  Dressed Up As Hulk Hogan for Hallowe'en
A couple summers ago I bought a vintage "Hulk Rules" shirt for a mere five bucks.  My wife claims it looks terrible on me, but I disagree.  Other than occassionally taking out the garbage with it on, I'd never found much of a use for the shirt.  That is, until Hallowe'en.  I even grew a nasty handlebar mustache to make the costume as real as I could.  Sadly, I never got a chance to drop the big leg on any of my enemies.

"...and the best there ever will be!"

But that wasn't my biggest wrestling related moment of this year...

10.  Put Orlicky in the Sharpshooter on the Road Hockey Court
Ever since I started playing road hockey four years ago, I've picked on my buddy Orlicky.  I do it mostly because he's a good sport about it, and lets me jersey him down to the ground.  Well, this time I may have gone a little too far (probably not) and made him tap out in the dreaded Sharpshooter.

9.  Scored my 300th goal in Road Hockey
...and speaking of Road Hockey, I hit a personal milestone this past summer by tallying my 300th all-time goal.  The weak little shot, assisted by Johnny San and Matt Dilworth, somehow beat Gary Rombough and hugged the back of the net.

8.  Made Friends With The Dog
No matter what my wife says, I do not love our dog.  I tolerate her mostly, and sometimes I even like her.  I'm referring to the dog, not my wife.  I love my wife.  If I didn't, she'd kill me.  But the dog and I do get along now for the most part, which is something I didn't think would happen.

7.  Found A New Appreciation For Batman...

6.  Watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray

I'd like to think that seeing Wampa creatures invade the Hoth Rebel base was well worth my $90 on it's own.  Even blu-ray couldn't save The Phantom Menace though.  I'm still dazzled that with all the deleted scenes in this collection, they never re-included the original Max Rebo musical number from Return of the Jedi.  After all, that scene really was deleted.

5.  Attended a "Video Games Live" concert for Free
Honestly, if I hadn't gotten tickets for free, I probably wouldn't have jumped at the chance to go.  But if you ever get a chance to see this live show, check it out.  It's lots of fun, and there was even a surprize appearance by that Asian dude who plays all the Super Mario music on piano.

4.  Took a Trip to the Nation's Capital
I really enjoy visiting Ottawa.  I like a lot of good people who live there.  So I took Dana there for a weekend getaway.  We visited the National Gallery and the Museum of Nature (cause that's the sort of thing you find yourself doing when you get older).  We also checked out some pubs, and I absolutely loved drinking at The Highlander pub.  They had Old Speckled Hen, my favorite, on tap!

3.  Celebrated a Stanley Cup Championship
It's a pretty big deal when your team wins the grand prize.  It's an even bigger deal when you're a Bruins fan and most of your friends are Montreal Canadiens fans.  As far as I was concerned, knocking the Habs out of the playoffs in the first round was enough glory for me.  Going on to beat the #1 ranked team in the league in the Stanley Cup was the icing on the cake.  And that night I celebrated with a tasty bottle of wine.

2.  Hosted a "No Vegans Allowed BBQ Party"
What's a BBQ without meat anyway?  This was a great chance for me to see a bunch of friends I hadn't seen in a long time.  Once you have a baby, you find yourself having to schedule little mini events to get everyone in the same place at the same time.  We drank a lot of beer, ate a lot of burgers and dogs, and had some great laughs.  And we completely excluded vegans from attending.

1.  Had A Baby
Okay, so Dana did most of the work on this one.  I did stand next to her in the delivery room and coach her on with inspirational quotes from Rocky movies.  Ryleigh Lorraine Ewing, my daughter, was born on April Fool's Day (of course!) and that day can once again be considered the greatest day of my life.
(note: April 1st was also the greatest day of my life when I was 9 years old and my dad took me to see Wrestlemania VI in Toronto)
Being a dad doesn't really change who you are, but it does change how you look at everything else around you.  It really is the best experience. She likes watching hockey, and loves when I "beep" her nose.
My little girl is the greatest thing in my world.  And I can't wait to take her to Wrestlemania someday.