Top 11 Sequels?

I'm a firm believer that these days movies are all about the sequel.  At least when it comes to summer blockbusters and superhero shit.  The first movie sets up what we need to know so that we can get right into the action in the sequel.

There are plenty of films that never required a second installment.  But what if, for some reason, they had gotten one anyway?  Let's play God for a day, shall we?

11. What Else Is Eating Gilbert Grape?
Gilbert is back with a whole new set of problems and issues to deal with.  His brother, Arnie, is back too and has eaten an entire tub of radioactive goo.  Arnie, now a destructive goo monster, is hell-bent on helping his brother Gilbert solve his issues...by swallowing him and his problems!  This time, something really IS eating Gilbert Grape...

10. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Part 2
Picture it, Sicily, 2016... It's the sequel you never knew you wanted. Return to a life a solving crimes with Stallone's mom, but this time in full-on glorious 3D CGI... since Estelle Getty is no longer with us.

9. 2 Thelma 2 Louise
If you thought Thelma and Louise were on the run before, you ain't seen nothing yet.  Thelma and Louise have unknowingly gotten their hands on a rare Egyptian artifact and are in a race against time, and the law, to save all of existence from a robotic, alien, Brad Pitt-like thing.  Directed by Michael Bay.

8. Junior's Baby
The unusual comedy team of Arnold/Danny Devito are back!  This time they have to shrink themselves down to mini-size so they can enter into Junior's womb and stop him from getting pregnant by and army of vicious sperm before it's too late.

7. 8 Mile 2: Going The Extra Mile
If you didn't quite get enough of Eminem's more expensive rip off of Purple Rain, then don't worry - he's back and he's going the extra mile!  His mom's spaghetti is back too, and also going the extra mile! With guest appearances by 50 Cent, Wiz Kalifa, MC Hammer, and Niki Minaj, you'll be so wrapped up in the rap battles that you'll fail to notice this movie is just a more expensive rip off of Graffiti Bridge... assuming you ever bothered to watch Graffiti Bridge in the first place.

6. How To Lose A Guy In 11 Days
Like many romantic comedy sequels (I'm looking at you Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights) this film has nothing to do with the one you have grown to love, except that the title will try to bring you in and watch it.  This time around, though, there's a twist - Kate Hudson's character will be played by a dude who gets romantically involved with another dude on a bet from his buddies, and spends eleven days trying to get rid of him in hysterically over-the-top and just-offensive-enough ways, until he realizes that he has actually fallen for another man.

5. Return of the Son of Forrest Gump
This action epic, directed by James Cameron, needs no plot details.  You'll go see it based on the amazing title alone.  Rated NC-17.

4. Another League of Their Own
Sure, The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League was a fun story, highlighting a joyous time for women's rights during the war time.  But what about that other professional baseball league you might not know about because there was no movie made about it? We're talking, of course, about the one you heard about once on The Simpsons from Mr. Burns and thought he was senile - The Negro League.  Yup, it was a real thing and a movie all about it would be fantastic.

3. More Snakes on More Planes
If you don't want to see Samuel L. Jackson scream about them mother fucking snakes on the mother fucking plane one more time, then I'm sorry, because you don't have a soul.

2. Mr. Nanny Returns
Mr. Nanny has to come out of retirement one more time to stop more past-their-prime former WWF superstars from kidnapping rich kids.  Hogan clearly knows best in this sequel, as he spends more time in a tutu, and leg drops the kids to safety. Whatcha gonna do when Mr. Nanny cuts the crusts off your sandwiches for you????????

1. E.E.T.: The Extra-Extra Terrestrial
Elliot is all grown up now, and can't figure out why his finger keeps glowing. Suddenly, he transforms into The Extra-Extra Terrestrial and has to adjust to his new life as an ugly alien in a world full of fear, and people who won't share their Reese's Pieces.  But when the world is threatened by an army of Neo-Nazis (this IS a Spielberg movie, after all) the world will call on E.E.T. to save the planet and the world's supply of Reese's Pieces.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

The Tom Hanks Conspiracy

(Or, "Remember When Tom Hanks Was Funny?")

There was a time, and some of you won't remember these days, when Tom Hanks was a funny fella. Yes, the same Mr. Tom Hanks that has bored us with flicks like The Da Vinci Code and Catch Me If You Can. A younger, more comedic Tom Hanks giggled us through many trips to the theater, and many of these classics are seen Sunday afternoons on your local cable station's Movie of the Week.


(The Money Pit, Big, The 'Burbs, and Joe Versus The Volcano)
This Is Not Your Room... 
From 1986 to 1992, Tom Hanks was an unstoppable force of comedy genius, starting with The Money Pit and climaxing with A League Of Their Own. There was something quirky about his characters. They were ready to explode at any time. Just look at his character Ray in The 'Burbs or Walter in The Money Pit. They were slightly crazy, yet related to the every-man. Chances are you had a friend who was like Tom Hanks... or maybe you were just a little like Tom Hanks yourself. We watched Hanks morph from a small child into an adult and thought, Wow, that's just like how I feel!. We saw Hanks put up with the most annoying dog on the planet. We saw Tom Hanks hate his life and take a pile of money to throw himself into a volcano, only to find true love. We thought Tom Hanks would always be there at our side to make us laugh. 

Life Is Like A Box of Tom Hanks... You Never Know What You're Gonna Get...

Then came the big switch-a-roo. In 1995 Tom Hanks made the movie Apollo 13. This is when the world lost Tom Hanks. While in outer space filming his space scenes it is very likely that Tom Hanks was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with A Fake Tom Hanks. Yes, that's right. A fake Tom Hanks. One who isn't funny at all. Directly after Apollo 13, Hanks did voice work for Toy Story. Or did he? It is reasonable to assume that the aliens who replaced Hanks used this faker to do the voice work while they finished up the final touches on Hanks' duplicate body.


(Saving Private Ryan, Cast Away, The Ladykillers, The Da Vinci Code) 

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. 

All I'm saying is give it some thought. Tom Hanks hasn't made a good comedy since before Apollo 13, and the Aliens are the only possible reason why. Even when "Hanks" made The Lady Killers in 2004, which was supposed to be his return to comedy, it wasn't funny at all. So here's my proposal: Let's get NASA and all the armies of the world to join together just this once and go into outer space to find the real Tom Hanks. He's out there somewhere, surely making some lucky aliens laugh.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan