Top 11 Awesomely Awesome Things

Just sit back and relax. Enjoy this ride. There's enough random in here to randomize your rando-meter.

11. Supermarket Sweep
Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune ain't got nothing on Supermarket Sweep. This was hands down the best game show on Earth (excluding Bumper Stumpers) and the proof is in the pudding! What other game show had their contestants run around a grocery store and fill up their carts with random shit?

Castle Mother Effing Grayskull

10. Castle Grayskull
Quite possibly the ultimate childhood toy, Grayskull was the castle that He-Man protected from Skeletor. There were traps, laser guns, and a real working jaw-bridge! 

9. Pink Highlighters
Highlighters were a big craze in the late 80s and early 90s. For a while you could only get them in yellow, and then all-of-a-sudden appeared the pink version. It seems like everything in the early 90s was neon pink and yellow anyway, so why not our writing utensils?

8. The Hoff
David Hasselhoff is just plain wonderful. What a great human being. You don't hassel the Hoff, and that makes him awesomely awesome.

7. Bacon
Everything is better with bacon. When hamburgers became boring, they put bacon on it. Real men didn't want to eat salad, and so bacon was added to Caesar salads. You can get bacon flavored chips and syrup. And I'm pretty sure that Jesus Mother Fuckin' Christ ate some good tasting bacon at the last supper.

6. Canadian Tire Money
Shit yes! You may think that CT Money is a nuisance that seems to gather up on the floor of your car, but this stuff is way more valuable than you can imagine. Take my parents for example. My dad does about 75% of his Christmas shopping with Canadian Tire money. He's not being cheap, he's being economical. And hell, these days you can get just about anything there... if you can find which aisle it's in... and the Canadian Tire dollar seems to be worth more than the actual Canadian dollar.

5. 1989-90 O-Pee-Chee Hockey Cards
Considered the greatest hockey card set ever (by me) this one had a Sakic rookie card, Gretzky with the Kings, and a lot of cards from the once-great Hartford Whalers.  THE WHALE! THE MIGHTY WHALE!
4. Vinyl 
Music is just better sounding on vinyl. Sure, an iPod is easier to use but you don't get that "warm" sound when you listen to music digitally. And I just so happen to have a lot of shitty records that were never re-released on CD... kinda like I have some shitty VHS that never came out on DVD (John Stamos is Born To Ride). Long live vinyl!

3.Twenty-eight Moosehead for the price of 24
We all know I like beer. I like beer like... really a lot. And what could be better than getting 28 of a great beer like Moosehead for the price of only 24? Well, maybe 29... but the dimensions of a case don't really lend themselves to that. Either way, I'm just happy to have a fridge full of Moosehead.

2. Randy "Macho Man" Savage

"Ooooh Yeah!!!!"

He was involved in the greatest Wrestlemania match of all-time. He paraded around with the lovely Elizabeth. He had a variety of hats and crowns that he wore. And he snapped into a Slim Jim. And even though he's dead, he's still awesome.

1. "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys
I'll be honest, this whole list was created because on my way home today I heard "Kokomo" and when that first chorus hit I felt the need to go and dance with anyone. Damn! If "Kokomo" can do that to me, maybe it can bring about world peace.


And... uh... there you have it!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

He-Man & She-Ra - Hot Incest Love?

On the planet Eternia, twins were born to the royal parents King Randor and Queen Marlena. Before the tots were old enough to stop sucking on Marlena's boobs and start eating mushed up peas they were separated. Princess Adora, the girl of the two, was kidnapped by the evil Hordak. He stole her and ran away to the planet Etheria, much like Michael Jackson would run away with a small child to Neverland. Except, of course, that Michael Jackson would've kidnapped Prince Adam.

Years passed, and we all know that when Prince Adam raises his mighty sword and says, "By The Power of Grayskull..." he becomes He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. But for years, He-Man's twin sister was kept a secret from all of us. Then one day He-Man went on an adventurous quest to the planet Etheria and found his sister.

And she was a stone cold fox.

If you've never seen The Secret of The Sword (He-Man & She-Ra's feature film), I totally recommend it. It's basically an hour-and-a-half long episode of He-Man that reuses the same animation at least sixty times and has lots of background theme music that won't leave your head for weeks. He-Man (who doesn't actually know he has a sibling) is taken capture by Adora, who is working for the Evil Horde under the command of Hordak himself.

She chains up He-Man, who doesn't seem to mind the notion of being tied up by a leggy blonde all that much. He-Man pleads with Adora that she should stop being an evil bitch and start working for the good guys 'cause they kick ass. Well, except for that one guy Beau who is a big sissy.

After Adora has a bad dream, she discovers a sword just like He-Man's, and when she holds aloft her magic sword and says "For the honor of Grayskull...", then BAMMO! (Insert catchy music with a sing-a-long She-Ra, She-Ra)

This is where things get tricky. He-Man and She-Ra learn that they are in fact twins, but you can tell that He-Man still wouldn't mind sticking it in her. One of the first things they do as brother and sister is hug. Really close-like. Then they ride She-Ra's magical horse to save some dumb chick who couldn't help but get held captive so she could wait for a hero. He-Man insists on riding behind She-Ra on the horse, and while she probably feels some wiener rubbing at the back, the most powerful man in the universe is in perfect position to reach around and grab some animated Filmation boob.

Then there's more hugging. Seriously, these two hug almost as much as Danny Tanner. I don't know what things are like on Eternia and Etheria, but the only place I can think of on Earth that has as much brotherly-sisterly love is Napanee, Ontario. If you live in that town, chances are your nephew is your brother, who is also your cousin, who is also your grandma, who is Avril Lavigne.

After He-Man and She-Ra defeat Hordak, the movie ends and He-Man vows to make regular appearances on She-Ra's new show to help her sell more toys. And he does. About once every five episodes or so He-Man visits Etheria because he secretly is checking up on his sister to make sure she's not hooking up with that pansy-ass Beau. Here's a hint He-Man: Beau is clearly into dudes and is no threat to your incestuous rampage.

But is He-Man really interested in making the love to his own sister? Does he have urges to walk in on her getting out of the shower and using the "oops, didn't know anyone was here" excuse? There is no formal proof to suggest that the two have ever had 'sexual intercourse', let alone some simple spit-swapping. It's not like they have a little hero running around by the name of Kid-Child. I honestly don't think He-Man wants to shag his twin.

The reason?
He-Man is a huge Man-Whore!   

He-Man couldn't possibly have time to hook it up with his sister. Clearly he spends one-half hour of every day saving Eternia, and fifteen minutes of every day making a guest appearance to help save Etheria. When he's not being a super-hero, he's scoring with all kinds of ladies.

I've seen pictures of him flirting it up with Queen Bee, getting a kiss from Frosta, and carrying Teela off to the sunset. Even the most powerful man in the universe needs a break from pleasing the ladies.

But alas, He-Man has one true love. And that true love goes by the name of Skeletor. C'mon, he never once arrested the dude after trying to take over Eternia and Caslte Grayskull. He-Man lets Skeletor run loose to try again, and again, and again. That's because He-Man is in to the chase, and could never possibly commit himself to any one Princess of Power, or Master of the Universe.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

My Letter To Skeletor

Dear Skeletor,

I'm writing back to you in regards to your request to borrow five bucks from me.

I don't get it, dude.  You're one of the evil Masters of the Universe.  What do you need five bucks from me for?  Is this some kind of Eternian Pyramid scheme?  These things never work out well for anyone.  You should really consider putting your money to better uses.

Wait, if you're compiling funds for another attack on Castle Grayskull then just stop now.  You have yet to come up with a great follow up to the Diamond Ray of Disappearance.  Skeletor, I'm telling you as a friend here... the Diamond Ray was the best shot you ever had at capturing Grayskull.  And it was your first attempt.  Maybe you should think about conquering another castle.  At least for now.

If you really need money, you could always consider getting a part-time job.  But heads up, don't apply to work at Target.  They're closing all their stores here in Canada, so I can only assume it's a matter of time before they start chopping jobs in the States too.  Then, it won't be long and the Target store on Eternia will be gone.  For some reason, I think I heard somewhere that the Target in the Fright Zone will be safe.  But that's a long daily commute for you to do just to work those four-hour shifts.

Did you think about asking Hordak for the money?  I know it's a long-shot, but hey, you never know.

And I know what you're thinking, it's only five bucks.  But I gotta tell you, since having this second baby we're trying not to excessively spend.  So that means my days of funding evil super-villains on the side is on hiatus.  Whatever you do, don't drop my name around Cobra Commander.  He didn't take it so well when he asked me for bus fare and I said no. 

So, again, I'm really sorry I can't help you out this time.  But keep me in mind if you plan on invading Trolla in about three years time.  I might be able to help then.

Your friend,
Ryan of the Ryan Fan Club

PS - if you need money to buy some face cream, I have a few open containers around here that were too sensitive for my skin. I'm not saying this to make you jealous.  You can have them if you want 'em.

What If Jesus Were A Bad Guy?

Happy Friday the 13th!  This day always makes us think of one of the greatest movie bad guys ever (JASON!) and I had the pleasure of meeting and getting choked by the actor who played him a few years back.  But we all know that a great bad guy could have been a good guy at any point, and they just stumbled in one small step.   Hmmmm.....so we all know the story of good ol' Mr. Jesus.  For those of you who don't, here's a quick recap...

"Rocketed to Earth as an infant from the doomed planet Krypton, Kal-El was adopted by the loving Kent family and raised in America's heartland as Clark Kent. Using his immense solar-fueled powers, he became Superman to defend mankind against all manner of threats while championing truth, justice and the American way!"

Oops, that's the story of Superman.  That story is way cooler anyway.

Okay, here's the basics, Jesus is born (thus giving us lots of presents on Christmas Day) and then dies for the sins of everyone else.    He is then resurrected and... hey, this happened to Superman too back in '92.

Anyway, I got to thinking... what if Jesus came back as a bad guy instead of the savior of all mankind?  No really, what if his spirit took one look at our useless planet and said, "Fuck it. I'm getting me a gun and whooping some ass.  Maybe rob a bank while I'm at it."  Hell, Hulk Hogan turned bad for a while in the late 90s and everyone thought he was pretty cool for doing so.

So here's a couple ideas I toyed with.  And lo and behold, when I searched for them on google, there were already lots of pictures from people who are clearly as brilliant as me.

Jesusbeard The Pirate

Okay, let's not kids ourselves here... I really just dig the idea of Jesus with an eye patch.  That would be pretty damn bad ass.  Jesusbeard, the scourge of the seven seas, captains the majestic pirate ship Magdalene and plunders small towns for their jewels, their women, and their women's jewels.  He is a fine connoisseur of swords and words that start with the letter "S".  He is no stranger to the rum, and once gave Captain Morgan a bloody nose just for the hell of it.  It's rumored that Keith Richards based his mannerisms and style after Jesusbeard The Pirate.

J2: Judgement Day
...and thus as Jesus was placed on the cross he uttered those famous words, "I'll be back."
And came back he did!  The J2 is a cybernetic organism from the future, where war is raged between non-believing humans and Religious Robotic Warriors, hell-bent on restoring faith and Catholicism to the masses.  Those who refuse to believe will be crushed by the J2.  But when the humans begin to turn the tides in the war, one J2 robot is sent back to our present day to stop the leader of the human revolution (as a child) from discovering free thinking, heavy metal, and internet pornography.  Who will save the day?


Skelejesus
Who said that the son of God had to be resurrected on our planet?  How do we know that Jesus didn't come back on Eternia, where he decided to learn the mystic dark magics and form a gaggle of idiot henchmen to aid him in capturing Castle Greyskull?
And, uh-oh!  Look who just so happened to decide and try to stop Skelejesus, but He-Rod!
It kinda makes sense when you think about it.  On the He-Man cartoon, Skeletor really wanted inside Castle Greyskull.  Almost like he was charged by God to do so.  There must be something really nifty inside Greyskull.


Zombie Jesus
What could be more frightening than a zombie son of God that wants to eat your flesh and brains?
TWO ZOMBIE JE... what's the plural of Jesus anyway?

And that's where I'll end this little blog.
If you've been offended, then you get offended a little too easily.  Thank you to the creative artists who made these pictures and put them on the internet so I could use them here.  I'd totally get that Skeletor one on a t-shirt.

Until next time, remember to say your prayers, train hard, and eat your vitamins.
- ryan

Top 11 Rejected Baby Names

...so the cat's outta the bag, and yes, I am going to be a father again.

Much like the last time around, though, I'm having a hard time getting my lovely wifey to agree on baby names.  The name you give a child is important.  It absolutely can't rhyme with anything to allow them to be made fun of at school.  You don't want your kid being called "Fat Matt", "Whorey Corey", or "Punjabi Abbie".  You need a good strong name that declares independence and courage. 

So here are two Top 11 lists.  One is Rejected Boy Names and the other is Rejected Girl Names.

Under each name  you'll see my wife's reasoning for rejecting that name.

Top 11 Rejected Boy Names

Bret The Hitman

11. Bret "The Hitman" Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Bret The Hitman..."
10. Axl Ryan Ewing
"I don't want our kid getting beat up.  I'm not naming him Axl..."
9. Lando Ryan Ewing
"I'm not naming our child Lando..."
8. Joe Fucking Perry Ewing
"No."
7. Skeletor Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Skeletor."
6. Prince Shezahd Ewing
"..... do I even need to give you an answer?"
5. Bret "The Hitman" Ewing
"Just.  Stop.  Trying.  We are NOT naming this child Bret 'The Hitman', even if he'll be best there ever will be."
4. Stallone Rocky Rambo Over-the-top Sly Ewing 
"I think I want a divorce.  I'll raise this child on my own."
3. Kalvin Elliot Ewing
"...hey... I kinda like Calvin... but wait... are you trying to secretly name this kid Kal-El...?" 
2. Tuukka Ryan Ewing
"We are absolutely not naming our child Tuukka.  It's too hard to spell..." 
1. Optimus Prime Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Optimus Prime.  No, Ryan, it's NOT a strong name for a boy."

Top 11 Rejected Girl Names

Amanda Ultimate Warrior

11. Amanda Ultimate Warrior Ewing
"Why am I having your child again?"
10. Zdana Chara Ewing
"...only if she comes out at almost seven feet tall."
9. Lillian Murphy Ewing
"Lillian is nice... but why Murphy?"
8. Skeletina Ewing
"No. No.  And more no."
7. Bambi Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name."
6. Scarlett Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name too."
5. Anastasia Ewing
"Stripper name!"
4. Destiny Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!"
3. Lexi Ewing
"Do you want to be the one who explains that we named our child after your favorite porn star?"
2. Angel Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!!!!"
1. Chastity Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!!!!!"

So as you can see, I have some great baby names already suggested.  Who knows what else we might come up with during this pregnancy. 

- Ryan

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2013

 
...before you know it Christmas will be here.  It's that time of year when we all greedily ask for as much loot as possible.  We give gifts, we get gifts, and we ultimately hope that the crappy stuff still has a UPC code on it so we can take it back anywhere in hopes of store credit.  Every year someone gives me a pair of pajama pants that I'd never wear and I exchange them for some useful socks or underwear.  And don't try to say, "it's the thought that counts," because if you don't do the same thing then you find yourself putting those gifts into a box for donation to the Salvation Army.  Admit it, I'm right.

I'm at the point in my life where if I want something, I just go get it.  If I want Man Of Steel on Blu-Ray, I just go buy it.  In the mood for a beer?  I go get one.  Got a hole in my socks?  I'll just grab a few pair while I'm buying groceries.

So every year I put together my Christmas Wish List, asking for things that I wouldn't just be able to pick up on my way home.  Some things have actually come true - the Ruby Spears Superman show on DVD, a new Aerosmith album, a Stanley Cup for the Boston Bruins - buy I'm still waiting to see Bionic Six on DVD.  And of course, the ever eluding...

Uncle Jesse doll - this is the last year.
...every year, at the very top of my list, is always the rockin' Uncle Jesse doll.  Yes, this thing exists.  In the early 90s you could either get Uncle Jesse on his own, or in a collection with Aunt Becky and the twins.  There's also a pack that features Danny and the girls.  Honestly, I'd like to have the entire collection of these things, but the rockin' Uncle Jesse doll is truly the holy grail of them all.  I've been hyping this toy up for years and years, and I'd surely take it with me wherever I went.  Just like I was a little girl again.
However, as a grown man now, I feel it's time that 2013 is the make-it-or-break-it year for the Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been a good boy all these years.  So I've come to one simple conclusion: If I don't get an Uncle Jesse doll this year, then there really is no Santa Claus.  I hate to be so extreme, but this could really be a life-changing lesson.  So, if you the reader truly believe in Christmas miracles, you'll find some way to help make this happen.
Note: There was a mail-away Joey Gladstone doll too.
See the whole Tanner family here - http://twinsonline.tripod.com/pictures/family.jpg

Mr. T's Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool on Blu-Ray
...if you've never seen this movie, it's really quite a gem.  I have it on VHS and at one point I converted it to DVD for myself and a few friends who share my appreciation of it.  In little segments, Mr. T teaches us about being ourselves - including saying no to drugs, being frustrated, not being a little fat kid, and how to treat our mothers right.  Hell, there's even a music video featuring Bobby Brown and New Edition.  This flick truly needs the hi-definition treatment.  There could be a second disc that features a remastered soudtrack, as well as a Mr. T commentary track, and a "Where Are They Now?" segment focusing on what those kids are doing today.  Naturally, this 3-disc set would also include a standard definition DVD and digital download, and a 48-page full-color booklet with many behind the scenes photos.  The Best Buy exclusive edition could come with a poster or a Mr. T action figure.
Never seen it?  Check it out here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv0m1YzRu4M

The Real Guns N' Roses Back Together
...Slash... Axl... Dufff... that's really what the world needs right now.  I know it will NEVER happen, and that's why it would be a true Christmas miracle.  Sure, there's also the part of me that knows GnFnR are the greatest rock band of all time because of the way they burnt out before they could fade away.  That's part of what makes us still think so fondly of them.  They never had a "Fat Elvis" phase, or the "touring the greatest hits for 9 years" tour.  So maybe what we need is for the powers that be to unearth some rare, unreleased tracks from the Gunners.  That might be the best we'd ever get.  And it would still be awesome.
Something like this, maybe? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfG87P7SEAg

Masters Of The Universe #12
...I had this comic when I was eight years old.  It was pretty fucking epic.  Skeletor has taken over Eternia and Castle Greyskull.  He-Man is nowhere to be found, and thus pronounced dead.  The rest of the Masters of the Universe have to try and reclaim Eternia, and hopefully bring back He-Man!
You can read it here -http://www.he-man.org/publishing/item.php?id=474


And that's that!  I don't ask for much.

- ryan