Let's face it, someday we'll all be replaced by robots. So why not strive to be like a great robot of history? Historically speaking, there have been many robots over the years that have influenced the ages. They were all wonderful.
11. BB-8
Who doesn't love balls? BB-8 is two of them! That's twice the robotic balls rolling around, cracking jokes and hiding maps to old folks with robotic hands. Balls!
10. Dot Matrix
Let's face it, everyone needs a virgin alarm. Just in case.
09. Fox's NHL Robots from the early 90s
We may have hated them at the time, but those bots were pioneers of good ol' Californian ice hockey. Without them the Kings or Mighty Ducks may never have won a Stanley Cup.
08. Wall-E
If you don't find yourself wanting to hug this little guy, then you might already be a robot devoid of a soul. I bet you don't like celery with cheese wiz either.
07. Conky
Without him we would never know what today's secret word is. 'Nuff said.
06. Metalhead
Be realistic - of all the Ninja Turtles, Metalhead was the one with the best shot at April O'Neil. I mean, he's no Casey Jones, but who is?
"Your mother was a snowblower!"
05. Astro Boy
Soaring high in the skies, he may be small but only in size. He is brave and true and wise.
04. The Terminator
Go with him if you want to live.
03. Paulie's Robot Girlfriend
I'm actually surprised that Paulie's Robot Girlfriend isn't #1. And I write these lists. This robot is special because of how we learn more about love from it than even Adrian herself. I'd like to think that if Rocky didn't beat the Russian in IV, that maybe Paulie's Robot Girlfriend would have finished the job. Happy birthday Paulie.
02. Jazz
With so many Autobots and Decepticons to choose from, it was tough to pick just one robot in disguise. So I chose Jazz. He was pretty much that cool friend, who had all the cool records and knew which girls would let you feel them up. You know, under the shirt and over the bra. Jazz is awesome.
01. Johnny Five
He's alive and he's pals with Steve Gutteburg. All other robots would clearly be jealous of him.
Since you all loved my Top 11 Cartoon Babes list so much, I have been asked to do a Top 11 Video Game Babes list. Now, be forewarned that I am NOT a gamer. I've never even touched most of the popular games from the last ten years. So if you're looking for some Final Fantasy babes or GTA babes, they're not here. My video game knowledge is mostly limited to the games I played as a teen in the 90s and the NHL series by EA Sports. And try as you might, Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins just isn't a babe in my books. I tried to play Arkham Asylum and never bothered finishing it. And I love me some Batman.
So here we go. 11. Cooking Mama (Cookling Mama Cook Off)
I don't really care for this game. The Lovely Wife played it a lot when we first got a Nintendo Wii in 2008. We used our leftover Honeymoon money to buy one. Anyway, Cooking Mama is here simply because a girl who can cook is sexy to me.
10. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)
You might wonder why Miss Croft is so low on this list. One reason: the movie. I just don't like Angelina Jolie. Sorry Angelina, nothing personal. I guess that's not very nice of me. I don't even know her. I've heard that Daisy Ridley might be playing Lara Croft. If that happens, she'll move up higher on this list.
09. Head Mistress Helga (Revolution X)
As usual, I've found a way to somehow insert Aerosmith into my Top 11 list. You should be used to it by now. When I first played this game as a young teen, Helga was clearly a villain. But now as an adult, the idea of Head Mistress Helga in her black leather with her whip is kinda cool. And she kidnapped Aerosmith. High five.
Music is the weapon to defeat Head Mistress Helga! Shoot her with CDs! I'm not kidding! Fire those CDs!
08. Judy Nails (Guitar Hero II)
Chicks who play the guitar are hot. 'Nuff said.
07. Marian (Double Dragon)
Years of reading comic books has left with me a complex that think damsels in distress are attractive. Though I always wondered why both of the Double Dragons were on this quest. Once rescued, did they have to share Marian? Would they eventually battle for her love, and ultimately sweet, sweet kisses?
06. Chun-Li (Street Fighter II Turbo)
Back in the day nobody wanted to be beat up by a girl. At one point in history it was actually embarrassing to get beat up by a girl. Time have changed, and so have mindsets, and I think getting whooped by Chun-Li would be pretty sexy.
She can fly!!!!!!!!!!!
05. Princess Toadstool (Super Mario Bros. 2)
I'm old school. I just can't bring myself to call her Princess Peach.
Also, I'm picking the version from Super Mario 2 because this was the first game where she actually contributed. We already have one damsel in distress on this list. I remember playing this game as a kid and since you could choose which character to use, so many people would use the Princess because, "she can fly". I like to think this just made it easier to look up Toadstool's dress.
04. You (The Sims)
Good morning beautiful. You're a fucking gorgeous human being. Now, create an exact copy of yourself in a computer game and lock yourself in a room until you pee on the floor.
03. Princess Zelda (Zelda)
It's unfortunate that the adventures of Link weren't named after him. I mean, if you're talking with someone about sexy video game characters (like maybe I was for this blog) and they never played many games and just know the titles you might get a weird look for saying something like, "I'd totally hook up with Zelda." Because the other person might think you're talking about Link. Or maybe they're giving you a weird look because you're talking about having sex with a video game character. Or maybe you live in your parents' basement. And you wonder why you keep getting stuck in the "Friend Zone" with chicks.
02. Rosalina (Mario Kart Wii)
I'd blow in her cartridge.
I have made so many inappropriate comments about Rosalina over the years while playing Mario Kart, that to this day when we play The Lovely Wife refers to her as "Your Stupid Whore Girlfriend" when Rosalina hits her with a red shell.
I even blogged about her being a total babe - "Rosalina Is a Total Babe"
01. Juliet (Lollipop Chainsaw)
This is one of my favorite video games ever. And I never even finished it. I just loved the idea of a high school cheerleader running around with a chainsaw and slashing up zombies. It was pretty much everything I ever loved about the shitty movies my buddy Riot used to make me watch all those years ago. I read some poor reviews of this game before buying it, and still said, "Fuck it, it's a cheerleader with a chainsaw slashing up zombies... shut up and take my money."
Thanks for reading!
-ryan
(And how about an honorable mention to the Leisure Suit Larry series, which could have it's own Top 11 in this category...)
There are days that I wonder what is so special about being Canadian. Sure, we have national healthcare and gun control. We invented hockey and don't start wars with anyone. Big deal. If you ask me, the best part about growing up in Canada was the luxury of eating Superman French Fries.
Yup, Superman French Fries. The Man of Steel was no stranger to food tie-ins, having already had his own amazing brand of peanut butter, but these fries were only available in Canada. Funny, considering Superman stands for "Truth, Justice, and the American Way."
Essentially, these were just frozen french fries, similar to McCain Superfries but they had something else very special. You could instantly win a Super Powers action figure. Now, in the early 80s those Super Powers toys were the shit. And I mean quite possibly the best toys ever made. You'd push Superman's legs together and he would punch. Squeeze together the arms of The Flash and his legs would run. Robin would chop, etc, etc. And here you could get a fucking free action figure just for eating french fries! Goddam!
Looking back on the potato slices, I'm always kinda surprized that the Metropolis French Fry Corporation would need Superman to endorse their product. I mean, kids already like french fries. It's not like parents have a hard time getting their kids to eat them. Not like spinach, which needed Popeye as a spokesperson. Why didn't Superman endorse All Bran or rice cakes? When I was a kid, I would've eaten anything Superman solicited.
"Hello youngster. Try this super-flavored bowl of shit puffs!"
"Sure thing Superman! You're the greatest!"
On the back of the fry bag you could even save up UPC labels to mail-away for a free Clark Kent action figure.
Now get this: the only way to get that Clark Kent figure was in the mail. You couldn't go to the nearest Consumers Distributing and expect to find a Clark Kent figure on the shelf, no sir. Remember when you were a kid how excited you'd get if some mail came for you? I used to mail away for special G.I. Joe toys all the time, and when they came to the door it was always the happiest moment of my life. Getting a Kent toy in the mail was like having Superman come to your house for your birthday party.
I'm sad to say I never mailed away for the Clark Kent figure. And to this day I've still never gotten my hands on one.
these are obviously fake
As for the actual french fries in the bag... meh. They just taste like french fries. But, they WERE crinkle cut fries. Long after Superman French Fries were gone I'd still ask my mom to buy Crinkle Cut Fries. Maybe they just give me great memories. My wife doesn't care so much for crinkle cut fries, and she also thought Christopher Reeve was a terrible actor. Just sayin'...
I also have vivid memories of cutting Superman out of the bag and using that little piece of garbage as a toy. We weren't poor, and I had a Superman figure, but for some reason I liked playing with the cut-out from the bag. Maybe it was my first attempts at being crafty.
Lastly, I really think my mother used to tell me if I ate my Superman French Fries that I'd be strong like Superman. And these days, I could really go for a frozen bag of those super memories.
Originally written in 1999 (c'mon it wasn't that long ago, wasn't it?), I recently stumbled across this old Top Ten list from the classic Ryan Fan Club Newsletter and decided it needed to be revised. It still makes me feel as good inside as it did back then. Let's begin.
11. I can't make it through the day unless I have my three cups of decaf vagina.
10. Thank you for being a vagina. Travel down the vagina and back again. Your heart is true. You're a pal and a vagina. And if you threw a vagina... invited everyone you knew.. you would see the biggest vagina would be from me. And the card attached would say: thank you for being a vagina.
9. Look! The constellation vagina!
8. Last night, the Edmonton Oilers defeated the Vancouver Vaginas 3-1.
7. These walls need a fresh coat of vagina.
6. I just saved a fortune on car insurance by switching to vagina.
5. Did you kids say you're cold? Then throw another vagina on the camp fire!
4. New spray-on vagina cleans windows like never before! Get the new economy sized bottle!
3. Never fear! Vagina-Man to the rescue!
2. Yes, his vagina was stuck to the telephone pole. It was just another cold winter's day in Canada.
1. I'd like to order a vagina with pepperoni and extra cheese please.
Back in 1990 it seemed like the world couldn't get any better. We'd just experienced a Batman movie, the Gulf War was yet to happen, and all five members of Aerosmith had been clean and sober for a couple years. Oh, and there was this little gray box called Nintendo. Nope, life couldn't get much sweeter than that.
But then came the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES). From the first glance, it just HAD to be better. I mean, fuck, it had two more buttons on the front called "X" and "Y". Maybe this meant that Mario could do different kinds of jumps, or throw something other than fire. The possibilities seemed endless.
My first experience with the SNES came at a family get together in Napanee Ontario (home of Miss Avril Lavigne and the Napanee Beaver). My cousin Wayne brought his Super Nintendo and introduced me to a game called NHLPA '93. Up until that point my only hockey game experience really was Blades of Steel. But holy shit, in NHLPA '93 you could play as real teams with real NHL players! You could skate as Mike Gartner or Al Iafrate! Sure, most people wanted to be Lemieux or Gretzky, but I was happy to have Ron Hextal in net. Later that day I started playing Super Mario World and Starfox. I was hooked.
When I returned home, I tried playing Blade of Steel again. It just wasn't the same anymore. I tried doing my own commentary for the game, but I lost track of which of my players was Mike Gartner pretty fast. Pretty soon I was begging my parents for a Super Nintendo. At first it was a hard sell. Both parents insisted that the regular Nintendo was just fine. We all did our best to pretend that blinking thing it did was just part of the fun of the game. But since my mom likes Mario and my dad likes Tetris, I eventually convinced them we needed super power.
I consider the Super Nintendo to be the greatest video game system ever made. Sure, the graphics are dated now, but they were pretty good for 16-bit at the time. What made this system so special was the play value of the games. Sure, from time to time you'd still get a dud game like Batman Forever or Mega Robot Golf, but the great definitely outweighed the bad.
Nintendo was smart too. They knew how popular the original Mario games were, so they re-packaged them together on one cartridge with the long-lost (and super-difficult) original version of Super Mario 2. They made a new Zelda adventure that knocked the socks off the original. They helped bring Mortal Kombat to our blood-thirsty attention... even though the SNES version didn't have any blood in it. All in all, they totally one-upped their classic NES with the Super Nintendo.
Even the smallest detail of loading the games in the top of the machine to avoid that horrible blinking was pure genius.
The only real competition at the time was the Sega Genesis, a system similar to the SNES but a little more risque with their games. The Genesis had no problem showing blood and guts in Mortal Kombat. This video game war divided friendships in the schoolyards. You either liked Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis. It was like being in the middle of a huge war over race and religion. Or kinda like WWF versus WCW. Eventually the SNES outlasted Sega's baby, much to no surprize.
So let's all tip our hats to the Super Nintendo. It didn't set the stage for where video games are now, but it definitely pointed the evolution in the right track.
There, I said it.
Now before you get all up in arms about this, hear me out: Let's not forget that I'm proudly wearing my Cam Neely Bruins sweater as I write this blog. But really, deep down we're all Leafs fans in one way or another.
Let me explain.
You see, there are three types of people in this world, which we are about to explore:
Die-Hard Leafs Fans
We all know someone like this. They're a Leafs fan. They're dad was a Leafs fan. His dad was a Leafs fan too. It's hereditary.
These are the people you see in your neighborhood that wake up, get in their car and drive to Tim Horton's to pick up a couple double-doubles or triple-triples and bring them back home instead of just making their own coffee. These people really exist. They need an entire garbage bag each week just for their Timmie's cups. Surely you've seen the "TML" flag blowing in the wind on the radial of their car. They might even sport an homage mustache to Wendel Clark. Okay, that last one would even impress me. Wendel Clark kicked some ass back in his day. The 'stache.
Oh yes, the Wendel mustache turns their wives on in ways that vibrators just can't do.
These are the fans that will shout at bars after the first game of the season. You'll hear, "Dynasty! Dynasty!" And it'll be after edging out the last-place Columbus Blue Jackets in overtime. (Note: This blog will NEVER become dated so long as the BJs aren't willing to get their shit together)
These fans also have the number "67" tattooed on their arms, or incorporated into their license plate somehow... "LEEFS67"... to represent the last time Toronto actually won a Stanley Cup. It's not wise to mention to these particular Leafs fans that the last time Toronto won that Cup though, television was still only in black and white. Some of them might believe there's some color on the cup, and it's not just different shades of grey.
Casual Leafs Fans
Me in '95 or '96
Yeah, that was me on the right. I was the prime example of a "Casual Leafs Fan" in the early 90s.
You see, every so often Toronto actually puts a team together worthy of some excitement. And if they can't, they just change their coach or their logo or get a new mascot. One of those is bound to bring in a cup.
In 1992-93 the Maple Leafs made one of the largest trades in NHL history with the Calgary Flames. In doing so, they acquired Doug Gilmour who really added some depth and grit to the team. All of a sudden, they were winning games, and people weren't so ashamed to cheer for Toronto anymore. I was also an impressionable youth of twelve years old, and I caught this "blue n' white fever" too. I had previously been cheering for the LA Kings and had a sweet Gretzky jersey. The kids at school asked if I were a B-Boy, but I didn't know what that was at the time.
That year, the Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup. And I truly believe thatWAS Toronto's year. There's lots of controversy about the Leafs/Kings semi-final series that I'm not going to get into here. I just don't care that much anymore.
Sure, I continued to cheer for the Leafs for another few years, but once the team became all about Mats Sundin and Owen Nolan, I totally jumped ship. And this is common of most "casual" Leafs fans. Once they realize that Toronto isn't doing anything to try and actually make the team better, they just lose interest altogether.The lifespan of a casual Leafs fan is somewhere between four and five years.
The Toronto Make-Me-Laughs
The last type of Leafs fan is everyone else. See, you don't have to actually like The Maple Leafs to be a Leafs Fan. Hockey fans who don't cheer for Toronto LOVE to see them lose. And this, in a way, is sort of being a fan. We're fans of watching them lose. And we're fans of listening to those "Die-Hards" go on about how unstoppable the Leafs are while they suck back on their Timmie's.
"The Leafs are the best!"
"Uh... why?"
"Because they're the Leafs!"
"Umm... I don't really see how --"
"Go Leafs go!"
Go where? That saying, "Go Leafs Go", has got to be the stupidest phrase ever uttered by anyone. Not only is it just bad English, which can be expected after your third or fourth double-double of the morning, but it doesn't really mean anything. Fans do it for other teams too and I don't know why.
So as you can see, one way or another, we're all fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. You can go ahead and kill yourself now.
It seems like everyone around has Blue Jays fever right now.
I think those die-hard Jays fans who have been around for years really deserve to see Toronto win another World Series. I'm a Red Sox fan, but I can recognize that the Jays have been working on building this team for a few years now. And I do like seeing hard work pay off.
To be honest, I don't really care who wins the World Series.
I live in Canada and don't even cheer for a Canadian hockey team, so the likelihood of me being a Jays fan is pretty small. But I do remember the excitement of Joe Carter, Roberto Alomar, Todd Stottle... Stoddle... Stodtel...Oscarmayer, and Cito Gaston from '92 and '93. I even had a World Series champs shirt.
my 1992 baseball card.
Those were the days.
I mean, I guess they were. I don't remember them all that well anymore. As a kid I liked the Expos too, mostly because they had Youppi as their mascot. I met him in the summer of '92 when I went with my dad to an Expos game. Youppi didn't have time to talk though because his very attractive assistant told me that, "Monsieur Youppi aas ay teyleyfonn cahl."
Wow, the French-Canadian accent is a hard one to type out.
Anyway, back to the Blue Jays.
In 1999 I went to a Jays game with my buddy and pseudo-brother Brian. We sort of went on a lark and had a great time. Mostly because Tony Fernandez was there. Tony Fernandez is the all-time greatest baseball player in the history of sports. He was so good at baseball, and at being Tony Fernandez, that he could have excelled at anything he put his mind to.
God.
But enough about Tony Fernandez, let's talk about Kelly Gruber. When I was ten years old I had a life-sized Kelly Gruber poster that hung in my basement. Me and all my friends, because we were a bunch of ass-hats, called him Kelly Booger and used the poster as a dart board. One of my friends took a dart and dug out a hole in Gruber's crotch. It was big enough to put your fingers in and totally ruined the drywall in the basement. Come to think of it, looking back on that poster... having a huge hole in Gruber's crotch was really weird. I can only hope that none of my friends had any weird ideas of what to do with that poster when I would go to the bathroom.
So these days I'm seeing a lot of "Go Jays Go" around town, and part of me wants to assume it's because the Maple Leafs fans are so sick of seeing their team suck at anything NHL related that they'll become baseball fans while it's chic to do so. The better part of me knows that nothing makes Canadians happier than having the opportunity to be better at something than the Americans.
But, it does look like fun to be cheering along with them. And girls look really sexy in baseball hats. So if the Blue Jays are the flavor of the month, maybe I'll try and... CATCH THE TASTE!
- ryan
(...check out this really flattering picture of me from 1992. I bet I got all the chicks.)
July 1st is Canada Day. For those of you who don't live in Canada and are reading this, you might just imagine that it's like the 4th of July, but for Canadians. And now that I've written that, I fully expect to have my Canadian citizenship taken away.
You see, Canadians don't really like having themselves compared to their southern neighbors. I think it was best summed up on an episode of The Kids In The Hall when Dave Foley was asked if he was American, and he said something along the lines of, "I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but I don't carry a gun."
...just Ontario.
As Canadians, we're very quick to point out the differences between us and the U.S. of A. Heaven forbid if someone thinks we're from 'Murica.
"We have free national healthcare for all Canadians!"
"We don't walk around with guns and shoot each other for no reason!"
"Our beer doesn't taste like crap!"
"We're polite, gosh darnit!"
Gosh darnit, some of those facts are pretty darn nice. And combined, let's not forget that Canadian hockey teams have won more Stanley Cups than American hockey teams. Because that's really important to us, you know. Ask any die-hard Maple Leafs fan, and they'll tell you - if the Leafs aren't gonna win a Cup this year, then it should be another Canadian team (except Montreal, of course) because the Cup belongs to Canada.
Gosh darnit!
We're so polite that one of our Provinces tried to leave the country a few years back and we almost let them go. Does that make Quebec the girlfriend to the rest of Canada that just hangs around to keep the family together so the kids will always have two parents?
And what about those gun laws? We sure do love to talk about Canadian gun control. We're not violent little shits like those Americans, no sir! Heck, there's never a murder in Canada. Well, not one that we talk about in great detail anyway, because we're so gosh darn polite we'd rather talk about your Aunt's Maple Syrup. Apparently, according to her, it was a good year for maple syrup. Well then, serve me up some pancakes!
Just for fun, here's a video I made a few years back about the difference between the U.S.A. and Canada. I put their name first to be polite. And really, the video is about the difference between American Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and Canadian Kraft Dinner.
That was fun, gosh darnit.
Maybe someday I'll do a comparison of the Canadian and American versions of Smarties.
I've often wondered why Americans are so quick to shoot their guns at each other. My only answer is that their Reese Peanut Butter Cups come in packages of two, instead of three like here in Canada. And yet, we're quick to tell America they have an obesity problem. I don't know about you, but if there were only two peanut butter cups in a pack, I'd be upset. Maybe not enough to shoot someone, but then again I've never been in that situation before. I have a tummy, and I'm not obese, but gosh darnit I want three peanut butter cups. That's like, one per period of the game.
I miss those Canadian Heritage Minutes. Remember those?
This guy's Canadian, yo.
"Doctor... I smell... burnt toast!!!!!"
Those were a lot of fun. The ones I remember most vividly were the ones where we tried to claim credit for Superman and Basketball. To be sure, Basketball was created by Canadian James Naismith and it's a great game, but the sport is so much more popular in the States and there's only one Canadian team in the NBA. And don't get me started on how Superman stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way. That's a whole blog for another day. (PS - he was only half created by a Canadian)
About fifteen years ago I saw a local band playing on Canada Day at a place called Lake Ontario Park. They were a mullet band, so of course I watched them. For some ridiculous reason they decided to play John Mellencamp's "Pink Houses" and change the lyrics from "Ain't that America" to "Ain't that Canada." I'm not sure where the crowd buried their bodies, but there could have been a riot there comparable to the 2011 Vancouver riots after the Stanley Cup was won by my Boston Bruins.
Yeah, I cheer for an American hockey team. Sorry...?
But I do love living in Canada. We're great people. Kind, friendly, polite, apologetic, and just plain swell. If we were potato chips, we'd probably be Sour Cream n' Onion flavored. We're not for everybody, but those who love us REALLY love us.
I'll leave you with this fun graphic I made.
- ryan
extensively researched while enjoying a European ale.
Everyone loves a good action flick. And the best action movies came straight outta the 80s. If you disagree then you're wrong. So I've compiled a list of the best 80's Action Heroes.
But wait, there's certain criteria and rules to follow here.
Rule A: The character must be from an 80's movie.
Rule B: The character must ONLY be in an 80's movie, thus eliminating the possibility of such favorites as Indiana Jones, The Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, Batman, Martin Riggs, and Superman. You see, they all had sequels in the 90s or the series started in the 70s.
11. Lt. Marion Cobretti (Cobra) 10. Dean Youngblood (Youngblood)
9. Bruce (They Call Me Bruce?)
8. Rip (No Holds Barred)
7. Daniel Larusso (The Karate Kid I-III)
6. Stargrove (Never Too Young To Die)
5. Jack (Legend)
4. Dalton (Road House)
3. Mad Martigan (Willow)
2. John Matrix (Commando)
1. Action Jackson (Action Jackson)
So I hope you've enjoyed this quick Top 11. I'll consider doing a 90's version, but those 90's action flicks just don't have the same pizazz as the eighties ones.
- ryan of the ryan fan club.
As those kids in the Peanuts gang say, Christmas Time Is Here!
And that means another round of items on Christmas Wish List! Over the years I've asked for a few things from Santa Claus that weren't available in any department store. I asked for a Stanley Cup in Boston at Christmas 2010, and they Bruins won one in 2011. I've also asked for things to come out on DVD, and Santa made that happen for me.
I've also asked, repeatedly, for an Uncle Jesse doll. I've been asking for that doll on the top of my list for about ten years now, with no avail. So I've decided this year not to ask for it. That's right, I'm giving up on the one Christmas present that would fill me with yuletide cheer. I guess it's just time to move on.
So here's my special list for Christmas 2014:
Born To Ride
John Stamos Is Born To Ride on Blu-Ray
If I can't get an elusive Uncle Jesse doll from Santa then I want the next best thing. It's the greatest movie of all-time that has never been released on DVD or Blu-Ray. And I kinda accidentally taped over my VHS copy of it while trying to convert it to digital. So there you go Santa, to get my Stamos fix this holiday, how about Born To Ride on Blu-Ray? If you've never seen this classic film, it's almost like imagining Uncle Jesse has traveled back into the past to find love in the war-time. Yep, I can't make that one up Santa.
And while you're at it, how about hooking us up with a Blu-Ray of Never Too Young To Die?
A Night Of Manly Drinking With My Not-Yet-Best-Friend Nick Miller
Nick Friggin' Miller
I have recently become hooked on that show, New Girl, and let me tell you something: Nick Miller might just be the greatest man in the world. I'd seriously like to hang out with this guy and get drunk with him while watching football. And I don't even like football all that much. I would call it a man-crush or anything like that. It's more like Nick Miller is the dude I'd like to see myself becoming. And the best way to do that is over a few manly drinks. Santa, make it happen.
Johnny Boychuk Back In Boston
I think my favorite team made a huge mistake when they traded one of their most reliable defensemen away this year. Boychuk throws the body, scores goals, and uplifts the team's morale. Since he's been gone, my Bruins just haven't had much of an identity. And hey, if you glance closely at him, sometimes he looks a little like Bobby Orr. Come on Bruins, BRING BACK BOYCHUK! Santa, you need to get involved in this.
We miss you, good sir. Sincerely, the fans.
A Sweet Kiss From Miss Taylor Swift.
Mmmmmmm
...and by "kiss" I actually mean rough, dirty, sweaty, nasty, morally unsure, ass-to-mouth, consensual, naked lovin'. Even if it only lasts the usual twelve minutes.
'Cause the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate... and the 'baiters gonna bait, bait, bait, bait, bait....
But what if she then somehow fell hopelessly in love with me? Let's not kid ourselves here, Santa, I don't have any intention of marrying Taylor Swift and growing old with her. I just wanna do the dirty stuff with her because she kinda looks a bit like my favorite porn star. Oh, and I'd like to tell all my friends about afterward too. So if you can't make this one happen, I guess I'll understand.
A GODDAM UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE...
FUCK IT, I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO! AND SINCE I'VE WAITED SO PATIENTLY, I WANT THE WHOLE TANNER FAMILY NOW TOO. FUCK YOU SANTA CLAUS! FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING EGG NOG! WHY IS THERE NEVER AN UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE? I'M A GOOD MAN. I PAY MY TAXES. I BRUSH MY TEETH. I WEAR DEODORANT. I SMILE AT STRANGERS - AND NOT JUST THE SEXY WOMEN I'D LIKE TO SLEEP WITH EITHER. I'M NICE TO THE WEIRDOS ON THE BUS WHO PICK GUNK OUT OF THEIR EARS WITH THEIR KEYS! GODDAMMIT! HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A PLASTIC REPLICA OF THE SINGLE GREATEST HUMAN BEING THAT EVER HAD A NUMBER ONE HIT IN JAPAN FOR COVERING A BEACH BOYS SONG? IS IT BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE? I BET THAT'S IT. SANTA, ARE YOU PUNISHING ME BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE A FRIGGING CAR? FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
HAVE MERCY, SANTA. HAVE. FUCKING. MERCY.
(and if it's not too much trouble, could I PLEASE just have an Uncle Jesse doll this year?)
- ryan of the ryan fan club
We can always get another kitchen. We can never get another Stephanie. Or apparently an Uncle Jesse Doll.
Go on... say it... YO RYAN! WHAT WENT ON DURING YOUR STAYCATION?
Well, let me tell you. It was quite a fun week away from the ordinary. I started my week off on a winning note, as my hockey team The Avengers shut out the purple team for another big victory. Then, in true team fashion we piled into a pub and celebrated our victory. After a mere three hours sleep later, I was volunteering my time at the Relay For Life event. What's really awesome, aside from all the money that was raised for the Cancer Society, was how I got to host/judge the Annual Rooster Call at the crack of dawn. There were some pretty cool roosters that day. I originally had planned on a nap after that, but I got home at 7:30 in the morning and was fully awake. So I grabbed Dana and Ryleigh and we had a mini-road trip to this place called Pirate Park.
I'm not gonna lie; Pirate Park was fucking awesome. Sure, it's meant for kids, but get this - they have this giant play structure (slides, swings, pole, bridges, hiding spots) and it's designed to look like a giant pirate ship! I felt like a kid again as Ryleigh had me trampling all over the thing with her.
No rest for the wicked (and I'm super wicked awesome crazy cool) meant that I was playing another game of hockey with the Avengers on Sunday. We got spanked pretty hard in that one... lost by like eight goals or something really embarrassing. On the plus side, I finally got my first penalty ever - for cross-checking a guy in the shoulders. To be honest, I was aiming for his head but he's kind of a fat dude and my reach wasn't long enough to get around his girth.
Fun with Ryleigh continued during the whole week. She painted my toenails black, took me shopping for her friend's birthday present, did crafts with me, and serenaded me with "Let It Go" from Frozen. She must've sang that tune three hundred times over the span of the week. And yet somehow I still don't know all the words. Oh, and there was definitely ice cream trips in there too.
This past week was also bursting with creativity. I'm giving credit to this to Ryleigh painting my toenails. I used to do that myself back in 2003, and when she painted mine it's like I was instantly zapped back into a zany part of me I had forgotten about. Not only did I make a new story time video for Ryan's Inappropriate Alphabet Book For Intermediate Readers, but I also did some blogging, some writing, some drawing, and fashioned my likeness into a paper bag puppet. I'm both awesome AND ri-goddam-diculous! At the same time!
I had plenty of free time to do some soul searching this week too. I thought a lot about happiness - what makes me happy, what keeps me from being happy, how I make other people happy... and then I settled those thoughts with a few pints of Banana Bread Beer. I also tasted Trooper for the first time. It's the Iron Maiden beer. I was really looking forward to it, and it wasn't bad but it also wasn't great.
Then something dreadful happened. It rained for three days straight. That's a great way to spend a vacation... in the rain. But did that stop me? No way, dude. I convinced my dad to spend an afternoon in the gloomy greyness of summer, eating poutine in the park and visiting Adam at the comic book store. As the rain was starting to clear up, I had to play more hockey with the Avengers. We lost to the same team that spanked us earlier in this blog post, but we played much better. Not good enough to win though, and since my in-game performance was so poor Coach Senor Dilworth informed me that I would be relegated to defense for our next game. Thems the breaks. After the game meant more beer and a free munchies platter. Apparently when you have a whole team go out for beer you're entitled to a free munchies platter! Hot diggidy dog! But it makes me wonder how you're supposed to ask for such a free platter when you arrive. I mean, you don't want to seem like a total douche bag... "Where's that free munchies platter I'm totally entitled to that I'm not even paying for?"... "No, no, no, the paying customers can wait while you put together my munchies platter." Truth be told, I do have a rude side - but not that kind of rude. I don't like feeling entitled. My rude is the, "hey everyone, look at that doggy poo on the ground!"
As my time off came to a close, I took Ryleigh to Red Beard's Annual Day Before Father's Day Sale. It's pretty much the coolest sports memorabilia shop in town, and the day before father's day, they put everything in the store on sale for half price. Each year I treat myself to a new Bruins sweater (I have twelve now, and Ryleigh has three) and this year she got to take part in my self treatment. The best part was when she saw a family of four perusing the Montreal Habs swag, and she pointed at them in disgust and said, "Look daddy, those people like the Bad Guys!"
Do you remember what life was like before the internet? Before there was a http://www.ryanfanclub.com, or even a Google? Do you even know what Altavista is? As technology continues to improve and make our lives easier, the next generation will never experience some of these great joys... 1. Who's that guy in the movie?
Tapster was better.
Back in the early 90s, if we were watching a movie and thought the bad guy might have been one of Sam's random boyfriends from Who's The Boss we'd have to consult with our friends to check that shit out. Today, you just go to IMDB.
2. Wait, you actually PAID for music?
I can actually remember having the debate with my mother to spend an extra $2 to buy Prince's Batman soundtrack on cassette instead of vinyl. And then these crazy things called CDs came along, and they were like $20 each. Then Napster changed the way we listen to music and the way we see musicians. Sure, you can (and should) buy your music online from places like iTunes of Amazon, but there are still too many people who don't. And in all actuality, buying individual songs online solved the age old problem people had with buying an album and only having one song on it that they liked. (note: The first thing I ever downloaded from Napster was Richard Marx's "How Do You Talk To An Angel")
I actually had this one.
3. Where do you hide your porn?
I'm a firm believer that the internet was popularized for the use of pornography. Just think of how much more acceptable the adult industry has become to the mainstream in the last fifteen years or so. Back in the late 80s and early 90 you may have had some dirty magazines in your drawer. Or you had a couple dirty pictures folded up in your wallet. Maybe you were lucky and found a half destroyed copy of Swank magazine in the bushes on your way home from school. Me, I used to hide my dirty pictures between the months on my WWF calendar (there's another item that's obsolete) because who would ever think to look there? Today, your computer is full of porn whether or not you realize it.
4. Can I get to the bank before it closes?
Online banking is incredible. I'm never late paying my bills. They arrive in the mail, and I log on right away to take care of them. If I were even more enthusiastic, I could just set up direct paymet. I'm surprized banks are even open at all anymore.
5. Are you almost done with the phone? I'm expecting a call.
...never traded my Federov.
Once upon a time, there was one telephone in your house... a rotary dialed phone... that stayed in the kitchen. Sure, maybe you were lucky enough to have a twenty foot cord on it and could take it away from the listening ear of your parents. But probably not.
6. Do you have the album with the wrong spelled "Walkin' The Dig"?
If you collected records, or comic books, or action figures, you used to have to hunt for the items you wanted in your collection. Sometimes you'd have to go to conventions, yard sales, swap meets, or try to barter with your best friend for that "Future Superstar" Eric Lindros card. You'd give anything for that card, except for your Sergei Federov rookie card. That guy had the best name ever. Today, you just go to eBay. Way to go eBay! Way to ruin the fun of hunting and collecting rare treasures.
7. Where can I stop to ask for directions?
Sure, the internet is full of scary gas station attendants, but most of them aren't running their own websites offering the easiest way from point A to point B. And you can't use their bathroom either. That's what Google maps and GPS are for. I'm waiting for a Goolge Bathroom App for my phone.
There's something about hockey fans that I've never understood. I don't mean all hockey fans, just this one demographic of us that has a real hate-on for the Americans. And seeing as how the Stanley Cup Playoffs are about to begin again for 2013, we'll see more of these fans popping up than usual.
How many times have you had this conversation with someone:
"Playoffs are starting tonight! Who's your favorite team?"
"I like The Oilers... but I don't really care as long as a Canadian team wins."
Okay, I know it's been about two decades since most people really cared about the Oilers, but I picked them at random just to try and name-drop "Esa Tikkanen" at some point in this blog.
The caption that came with the picture says it all. Beautiful.
I'm Canadian, and I cheer for an American team. I love the Bruins. I couldn't see myself cheering for a Canadian team just because they're north of the border. I mean, being a fan of the black n' gold I already have a strong dislike of the Montreal Canadiens. Everything about them: their American colored jerseys, their fans that insist on booing the American national anthem, and mostly how they beat the Bruins a lot over the decades. I've also developed a strong detesting of the Vancouver Canucks since the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. That team is far more qualified to win gold for diving at the Summer Olympics than anything on ice.
So right there, I've already reduced my chances of cheering for a Canadian team by two.
When you think about it, how many Canadian players are on these Canadian teams? Let's go back to the 2011 Finals again, mostly because I love replaying it in my mind, and remember that the Bruins had more Canadian players than the Canucks did. Interesting, isn't it? Yet the "Canadian" hockey fans in Vancouver lost their shit when their "home" team didn't win.
"When I cry, the whole
country will cry with me"
So really, what did the Americans ever do to us to earn such disdain?
Is it all because they stole Wayne Gretzky away in the late 80s?
Or maybe it's because the Winnipeg Jets moved to Why-The-Fuck-Phoenix and became the Coyotes.
But the Jets have returned and have really become our country's home team (seriously, just try and find someone who doesn't like the Jets these days). And the last time ol' "99" played a game was in an Oilers jersey for that outdoor spectacle a few years back.
I know! It's gotta be because of that stupid Fox NHL broadcast from the early 90s with the glowing puck and fighting robots. Seriously, what the fuck.
I understand national pride in the Olympics and World Junior Championships. But when you watched Green Lantern you didn't say, "I hope Green Lantern saves the day because Ryan Reynolds is Canadian." Or maybe you did. I don't know you.
It just doesn't make sense. If my daughter is trying to choose between listening to Led Zeppelin II or anything by Justin Bieber, I'm not going to suggest she pick the Canadian one.
...not sure who this hockey fan is, but he keeps good company!
But back to hockey... if a Canadian team MUST win the Stanley Cup this year, I hope it's the Leafs. I mean, the Jets and Oilers didn't make the playoffs, and there's a part inside of me that would kind of like to see what happens to the streets of Toronto if the blue n' white actually win it all. They haven't even won a Stanley Cup in color yet. All of their good memories are in black n' white.
Well, if my Bruins aren't destined to drink from Lord Stanley's Cup this year, then I don't really care who wins... as long as it's not the Canadiens.
So the evil Bettman might just finally succeed at stealing the NHL season away from us good people of Hockeytropolis City. Or something like that.
the bear is always right.
All I really know, is that I don't know what I'll do without an NHL season for 2012-13.
You see, I'm a huge Bruins fan. Ask my wife. She'll tell you I have too many Bruins jerseys, and that they "all look the same". Most of my friends are Canadiens fans. So you can imagine the heated conversations that occur between us during the hockey season. They usually result in lots of cursing at each other, calling each other names that refer to us having sexual relations to members of the same sex, and me reminding them that the Bruins won a Stanley Cup in 2011.
Then they say, "well the Habs have 25 bajillion Stanley Cups and the Bruins only have six..."
... Jesus, I hate those Habs. Bunch of fucking Habs...
Anyway, I fear that without having hockey this fall my friends and I will have nothing to talk about. I mean, what am I gonna do, brag about how I beat the Habs 19-2 in NHL13 for the Xbox? I can't really put a lot of stock in that.
On a side note, I have a couple friends who are Canucks fans. That's just awful. Don't get me wrong, I hate the Canadiens, but I can understand why someone would cheer for them. I respect the team that's been in Montreal since the dawn of poutine... doesn't mean I have to like them.
my daughter in 2011 holding a bruins stanley cup
The Canucks.. they need to just fuck off and grow a pair.
So back to the lockout. The last time there was a lockout, everyone started watching and playing poker on Saturdays to fill the ice gap. I can't see myself going back to poker. That was definitely a fad, and I ended up playing just as much Rummoli as I did poker anyway. Maybe curling?
Nope. Not doing that any time soon.
So basically, there needs to be a hockey season. Without it, I'll have nothing to talk to my friends about and I'll get very lonely. And if there's no hockey on TV, I might have to actually pay attention to what my wife is talking about.
I'm a huge fan of the Boston Bruins, but 2011-12 is the Toronto Maple Leafs' year to go to the Stanley Cup Final.
And here's why:
All other Canadian teams have come close and almost had Lord Stanley's Cup withing grasp...
Last year, the Vancouver Canucks got to the final but couldn't stop the Bruins. The year before that, Montreal made it to the semi-final but couldn't go all the way.
From 2004 to 2007 the Ottawa Senators, Calgary Flames, and Edmonton Oilers all made respectable runs to the Cup Final, only to be beaten by an American team.
Quite simply, this year is the Maple Leafs' year to blow it for the nation.
Sorry Leafs fans... but it's best that you don't get your hopes too high anyway.
You know, there's a big deal being made about Milan Lucic's hit on Ryan Miller from November 12, 2011. It's up for debate from fans whether the goalie should be fair game if they come that far out of the crease... but the rules state that goalies shouldn't be hit.
Should Miller have been run down? He was only trying to get the puck and make the save.
I think Roberto Luongo summed it up best during last year's Stanley Cup final when he said, saves are easy to make if you just stay in the paint.
Watch it for yourself.
So the NHL General Managers and owners are calling for more accountability against players who attack goalies. It's hard to say if it will ever happen though.
They're overlooking the most obvious solution:
Remove their goalie's bones and replace them with something very hard like pewter or marble. Then they can't be knocked down. And nobody would even think of crashing into them.
It would also be one step closer to making real hockey like that classic Blades Of Steel game. Watch what happens when someone crashes the goalie here:
Of course, if the NHL would just put the "2-line pass" rule back into effect then players wouldn't be going about a hundred and twenty miles per hour. Is it just a coincidence that the amount of career ending concussions have happened since the exclusion of the "2-line pass" rule? That's a debate for another day.
10. Dot Matrix
