Let's get one thing straight: I'm not suggesting you say ANY of these phrases after sex. I just think it would be hella fun to try it. And on with the list!
11. Now that's what I call a vagina! High five!
10. Don't worry baby. You just lay there... I'll go get the shop-vac and clean this up.
9. Hmm... I dunno honey. It still felt the same even though I was thinking of Taylor Swift.
8. That was the slam-banginest, vadge-pumpingest, elbow-deepest, knob-polishingest, buttered-toastingest, root-tootin' screw-ride since Harry met Sally!
7. Alright, that'll be twenty bucks, baby.
6. I think I'm going to start investing in IBM again. I dunno, just seems like the right time.
5. You go ahead. I'm gonna lay here for a bit and reflect upon what we just did and try to rank it in some sort of Top 11 list... don't worry, I'm sure you'll land in the top three or four...
4. Again tomorrow? Same Bat-time! Same Bat-Channel!
3. Well what did you expect it to taste like? Pomegranate? Chicken Cordon Bleu? I friggin' ate Spaghetti-O's today!
2. You're so beautiful. You're smart, sexy, and you give 110% when you make sweet love to me. Your body is like an ocean being discovered for the first time. When you moan so passionately, I can see new constellations forming. When you climaxed, my heart skipped a beat. And that little half-smile you made... wow. The look in your eyes right now is just so satisfying. What time did you say your husband would be home?
1. I think your poster of Justin Bieber is staring at me.
July 1st is Canada Day. For those of you who don't live in Canada and are reading this, you might just imagine that it's like the 4th of July, but for Canadians. And now that I've written that, I fully expect to have my Canadian citizenship taken away.
You see, Canadians don't really like having themselves compared to their southern neighbors. I think it was best summed up on an episode of The Kids In The Hall when Dave Foley was asked if he was American, and he said something along the lines of, "I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but I don't carry a gun."
...just Ontario.
As Canadians, we're very quick to point out the differences between us and the U.S. of A. Heaven forbid if someone thinks we're from 'Murica.
"We have free national healthcare for all Canadians!"
"We don't walk around with guns and shoot each other for no reason!"
"Our beer doesn't taste like crap!"
"We're polite, gosh darnit!"
Gosh darnit, some of those facts are pretty darn nice. And combined, let's not forget that Canadian hockey teams have won more Stanley Cups than American hockey teams. Because that's really important to us, you know. Ask any die-hard Maple Leafs fan, and they'll tell you - if the Leafs aren't gonna win a Cup this year, then it should be another Canadian team (except Montreal, of course) because the Cup belongs to Canada.
Gosh darnit!
We're so polite that one of our Provinces tried to leave the country a few years back and we almost let them go. Does that make Quebec the girlfriend to the rest of Canada that just hangs around to keep the family together so the kids will always have two parents?
And what about those gun laws? We sure do love to talk about Canadian gun control. We're not violent little shits like those Americans, no sir! Heck, there's never a murder in Canada. Well, not one that we talk about in great detail anyway, because we're so gosh darn polite we'd rather talk about your Aunt's Maple Syrup. Apparently, according to her, it was a good year for maple syrup. Well then, serve me up some pancakes!
Just for fun, here's a video I made a few years back about the difference between the U.S.A. and Canada. I put their name first to be polite. And really, the video is about the difference between American Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and Canadian Kraft Dinner.
That was fun, gosh darnit.
Maybe someday I'll do a comparison of the Canadian and American versions of Smarties.
I've often wondered why Americans are so quick to shoot their guns at each other. My only answer is that their Reese Peanut Butter Cups come in packages of two, instead of three like here in Canada. And yet, we're quick to tell America they have an obesity problem. I don't know about you, but if there were only two peanut butter cups in a pack, I'd be upset. Maybe not enough to shoot someone, but then again I've never been in that situation before. I have a tummy, and I'm not obese, but gosh darnit I want three peanut butter cups. That's like, one per period of the game.
I miss those Canadian Heritage Minutes. Remember those?
This guy's Canadian, yo.
"Doctor... I smell... burnt toast!!!!!"
Those were a lot of fun. The ones I remember most vividly were the ones where we tried to claim credit for Superman and Basketball. To be sure, Basketball was created by Canadian James Naismith and it's a great game, but the sport is so much more popular in the States and there's only one Canadian team in the NBA. And don't get me started on how Superman stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way. That's a whole blog for another day. (PS - he was only half created by a Canadian)
About fifteen years ago I saw a local band playing on Canada Day at a place called Lake Ontario Park. They were a mullet band, so of course I watched them. For some ridiculous reason they decided to play John Mellencamp's "Pink Houses" and change the lyrics from "Ain't that America" to "Ain't that Canada." I'm not sure where the crowd buried their bodies, but there could have been a riot there comparable to the 2011 Vancouver riots after the Stanley Cup was won by my Boston Bruins.
Yeah, I cheer for an American hockey team. Sorry...?
But I do love living in Canada. We're great people. Kind, friendly, polite, apologetic, and just plain swell. If we were potato chips, we'd probably be Sour Cream n' Onion flavored. We're not for everybody, but those who love us REALLY love us.
I'll leave you with this fun graphic I made.
- ryan
extensively researched while enjoying a European ale.
11. Now that's what I call a vagina! High five!
