A Letter To Yukon Cornelius

Dear Mr. Cornelius,

Dude, what's up with your obsession over silver and gold? Like, couldn't you just pick either silver or gold? Talk about greedy! And more so, do you prefer white gold or yellow gold? After all, white gold kinda looks like silver. And if you ask around you'll find that some people (me included) think that yellow gold looks cheap when compared to white gold.

Changing the subject, do you happen to have a brother by the name of N.W.T. Cornelius?

And what was Rudolph really like? I mean, we all know he's "cude" (he's cude, he's cude!), but did you ever get a chance to have a real man-to-man with him over some beers? If you are talking to him soon maybe you could ask him something for me. In the song "Run Run Rudolph" by Chuck Berry there's a lyric that states Run Run Rudolph... Randolph Ain't Too Far Behind. Now tell me this. Who the heck is Randolph? Is it Rudolph's retarded brother?

I shouldn't really occupy any more of your time. I'm sure you have ores to mine, monsters to harrass, and dentists to push around. Have a good Xmas.

- Ryan Fan Club

Tanner Claus Is Coming To Town?

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the place
Ozma, my cat, was giving a chase;
The stockings were hung by the gawdy green tree
In hopes that we'd be visited by Uncle Jesse;
The bottle of white wine was nearly all done,
While visions of "Full House" played in re-run;
And Dana in her jammies, and I my pink shoes
Had just realized we were all out of booze,
When out of nowhere there arose such a noise
I then thought the cat had knocked over my toys
When, what to my wondering eyes should be seen
But Danny Tanner, whose jokes were not clean
With a friend saying "Cut it out" on the phone
I knew in a moment it was Joey Gladstone.
The Tanner family had finally came,
And they hugged and laughed and called out their names;
"Now DJ! Now Steve! Now Michelle and Stephanie!
On Comet! Kimmy Gibbler! On Alex and Nicky!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard before long
The dancing and remaking of a hit Beach Boys song.
Knocked over the bottle as I turned around,
Thru the chimney Uncle Jesse came to rock down.
He was dressed all in leather from his head to his hand
And his sideburns attached to a mullet so grand;
An electric guitar he flung on his back,
A gift from the Rippers about five years back.
He had awesome hair from all of the mousse
That stayed in place and never came loose
A wink of his eye and a point to his head,
Warning not to touch the hair or I'd end up dead;
He plugged in his guitar and ever so clever
He sang a Christmas version of his big hit, "Forever".
He then waved good-bye, a disappointing rub
But Uncle Jesse had a gig that night at the Smash Club.
And I heard him exclaim, as he rocked out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all! Have Mercy! Good-night!"

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2015

 It's that time of year again, when I open up my heart and let you in on all my Christmas wishes for this holiday season.  While some of these may seem a little far-reaching, or even unattainable, I'd like to remind you that in the past I wished for several things that did come true (a Stanley Cup in Boston in 2011, the Ruby-Spears Superman cartoon on DVD, and a new Aerosmith album, just to name a few).  And of course there's one item that has eluded me since Christmas 1999.  So, as usual, we'll start there.

A Goddam Frigging Uncle Jesse Doll
Look, there's something that can be said about being persistent.   This doll has been at the top of my Christmas Wish List for just about forever (...and I'd ask the sky just what we had...), and I haven't gotten it yet.  Not either version of the bloody thing.  Originally I was simply asking for the Rockin' Uncle Jesse.  The one with the guitar and red shirt.  The guitar opens up to show pictures of Jesse's family.  These days, though, I feel as though my Christmas Wish has compounded interest and I won't settle for just the Rockin' Jesse.  Nope, I want the four-pack of dolls that include Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, and the twins.  I've seen these on eBay for about $200, still in their packaging.  I'm not picky.  They don't need to still be in the package.  I'd just take them out and play with them anyway.  So, if everyone would just chip in a few bucks, my Christmas wish could come true.  Now, I also realize that I could drop my own money on these toys, and that's okay, but here's the thing - I really want this given to me as a gift.  I want someone to find this doll somewhere and think of me.  Please, don't spend two hundred bucks on a toy.  Unless you want me to love you forever (...because I'll be so happy loving you...).

There's plenty of mercy to be had by all!

More Beer from Wychwood Brewery
I'm a big fan of Hobgoblin, and all of it's ugly sisters.  Seriously, King Goblin makes me all happy inside.  Even Hobgoblin Gold is a nice afternoon ale.  The Wychwood Brewery has been making quality beers for the better half of my legal adulthood.  The one exception is "Scarecrow", which is a fucking horrid piece of shit beer.  Stop brewing it, guys.  I'd like to see a return of Fiddler's Elbow and Black Wych, or an easier way to get Imperial Red than buying a gift pack that includes a bottle of Scarecrow.  So let's see what else these brew masters can come up with.  Maybe something with a dragon on the label?  Or a fire-breathing unicorn drinking blood? I know!  A one-eyed rabbit!  Those guys are awesome.  Keep up the good non-Scarecrow brews!

Christopher Reeve as Superman again

He'd whoop Batman's ass.

A few years back, some of the lost Superman IV: The Quest For Peace footage turned up as bonus material on a DVD release, but it wasn't all of it.  I'd really like to see that movie in it's entirety, even if it is a piece of shit.  Even if the graphics are awful, and the story is boring, and the actors are just phoning it in.  To me, it's another chance to see Christopher Reeve as Superman.  Hell, I'd even settle for someone using some nifty animation to fill in the gaps of the story.   But why stop there?  Why not make some direct-to-DVD animated features in the style of the classic Superman movies?  There were plot ideas for Superman battling with Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk, and since CGI is good enough now to pull it off, all you'd need is some voice-alikes to make it all work.  Brandon Routh even sounded like Reeve when he did Superman Returns.  I'd buy them.  I'd watch them.  I think it's something that would make us all happy.
Note: In the meantime, there's a very good fan video on YouTube of Christopher Reeve's Superman battling the Hulk.  You should watch it.

A Lifetime Supply of Almonds
This one shouldn't be too hard to take care of.  Let's suppose I eat thirty whole almonds each day.  We then multiply that by how many days I expect to live, and it just becomes an easy math equation.  We let "A" represent almonds, "R" represent me, and ... and... math is hard.

don't forget to carry the one!

naughty time with you, me, and the lovely wife
I'm just gonna leave this here until she gives me trouble for it.

...or how about just a goddam Uncle Jesse doll?  Is it too much to ask?

- ryan

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Holy Mediclorians!

If you had any doubt in your mind that this "lost" Star Wars story never really happened, I'm here to tell you that the nightmare is real.

Well, it's not that bad. Or is it? Sure, the acting is horrible. There's little to no action at all. And some of it just drags and drags. But that's the main problem with this two-hour, rarely seen Star Wars adventure. It's just too freakin' long.

Chewbacca and his family celebrate Life Day on their planet (which looks much more peaceful than it did in Revenge of the Sith) and his family are worried because Chewie is late. Remember, our favorite Wookie just helped Whiney-Face Skywalker blow up the Death Star, so that makes him a wanted walking carpet in the eyes of the Galactic Empire. There's a few guest appearances (including Jefferson Starship) that don't make any sense and serve no real merit to this show. So if you ever get a chance to watch it, just skip past the crap. And not once do we see Darth Vader in a Santa hat.

Not even a cameo by my favorite babe of all-time, Bea Arthur, can save this special. Han Solo finally shows up with Chewie, then Princess Leia breaks out into song, and everyone has a super-duper Life Day. Except for maybe Bea Arthur, because the Empire shut down her Mos Eisley bar.

If The Star Wars Holiday Special has any saving grace, it's the cartoon featuring the very first appearance of Boba Fett. The animation was pretty cool, and having the real voices of Luke, Han, and Leia was nice too.

If you're a fan of Star Wars or just bad movies, you should try and check out the infamous Holiday Special. I won't lie to you. It's damn awful. I wasted two hours of my life watching it. Do you know how much internet porn I could look at in two hours? Still, I think I'd rather sit thru The Holiday Special again than watch the first Ewok movie.  And I've now seen the Holiday Special eight times.  Yep, I have that kind of mental resilience.

- ryan

this year was Ryleigh's first time watching the Holiday Special, and she loved it.

 

Santa's Little Helper (review)

You know when wrestlers make movies that they're going to be amazing.  Remember No Holds Barred?  They Live?  Suburban Commando?  Anything starring Kane or John Cena?

Clearly the sarcasm meter is going off at a rampant pace here, even though I do hold a special place in my heart for Santa With Muscles.  Seriously, I watch it every year.

So what would make me want to watch a Christmas movie produced by the WWE?  Paige - the two time Diva's champion, that's who.  I haven't kept a secret about my secret crush on Paige (don't worry, my wife is well aware of it).  I even bought the Paige action figure.  I swear, it just sits on my desk.  I don't do anything odd with it.  Realistically, the only reason I even bought the DVD of Santa's Little Helper was because Paige is in it.  This little romp is about The Miz trying to get a job as Santa's right-hand man.  I know, it sounds like the Emperor and Darth Vader on the surface, but it's not.  The Miz is put through a series of trials by an elf with round ears to see if he's the one for Santa.  Eventually, Eleanor (Paige's naughty elf character) catches wind of this and challenges him for the job.  I don't want to spoil the ending here, but since you probably aren't going to watch this flick anyway, neither Paige or The Miz get the job.  There.  Your Christmas is now ruined.

She's such a naughty elf!

The Good - uh... well, I certainly enjoyed all of Paige's screen time.  I wasn't aware that I could get a boner while watching a PG movie, but, hey we're almost living in the year 2016.  Also, it seems like one of the movie's locales was the same one used in Ernest Saves Christmas, which made me pretty happy and nostalgic.  Ernest Saves Christmas is a wonderful little adventure that makes me miss Jim Varney every year.  That timeless rendition he does of "O Christmas Tree", and the spot-on performance of Santa Claus truly makes Ernest Saves Christmas a holiday classic.  Yes, I realize I've spent my allotted space on the film Ernest Saves Christmas, and not Santa's Little Helper.  Fully aware.

The Bad -Do you want to start with the acting or the music or the effects?  How about the story?  Or the films action sequence?  How about the fact that I dropped twenty bucks on this DVD then saw it for only $13.99 somewhere else the next day? 

The Verdict - Let's not kid ourselves here, I knew this movie was going to suck when I bought it.  And yet, when The Lovely Wife wondered why I was buying it, I tried to justify the purchase by suggesting, "it might just surprize us."  Also, I sat through the whole thing, which might seem pretty amazing, but I'm also the guy who made it through the Star Wars Holiday Special eight times, and Santa With Muscles every year since 2003.  I know all of Blake's rules by heart.  So I can't shit on Santa's Little Helper too much.  I mean, I did drop the twenty bucks on it on purpose.  And the scene where The Miz gets his face buried in Paige's naughty-elf-area for, like, five minutes was effing awesome.

- Ryan

Fruitcake: Ryan's Guide

Fruitcake!
That's right, everyone's (*ahem*) favorite holiday tradition is back with a vengeance. The holiday fruitcake is one of those gifts you give someone when you don't know what to give. Oh, I'll just get them a fruitcake, you've probably said on several occasions over the last few years. Really though, what do you give to your cousin who only visits to drink your beer?  

You give them a goddam fruitcake.

Part One - The Origin of Fruitcake
The first fruitcake wasn't invented so much as it was discovered. It was a warm winter day in West Palm Beach back in 1912, when Wilbur MacDonaldsonisoningsly was being evicted from his bungalow. As his landlord walked away from the house, Wilbur didn't want to look like a fool in front of his wife and kids, so he did what he thought was right in his head. He pulled a loose brick from the house's foundation and hurled it with all his might at his landlord's head. One direct hit later and Wilbur was on top of his landlord, cradling the man and screaming at him. To try and be ironic, Wilbur then forced the brick down his landlord's throat, choking him to death. The brick itself had become spotted with the landlord's blood, giving it a two-color appeal.
And thus, the fruitcake was born.
Now, people of all class levels bake cakes until they are completely in-edible and decorate them with hideous pieces of red fruit to give to people they'd just as soon forget, but know they need to please anyway. In many ways Wilbur was an inventor, a martyr, and even a poet.

Who actually enjoys making this for people?

Part Two - Famous Fruitcakes
You'd think that the rich and famous, with all their money and glamorous power, wouldn't bother giving away fruitcakes. Well, you'd think wrong. Movie stars like Will Smith have probably lost touch with the lesser known characters from The Fresh Prince. Geoffrey, the butler on the show, probably receives a fruitcake from Mr. Smith every Christmas. Well, he probably gets it a few days after Christmas, because let's face it the guy who played Geoffrey never even got his name in the opening credits.
I'd imagine hip-hop superstars give fruitcake with gold and diamonds on them to replace the actual fruit. This seems to have a certain "je ne sais quois" to it and would defeat the entire purpose of the fruitcake.
Cartoon characters most definitely give fruitcakes as gifts, but they blow up.

Part Three - Brutus "The Barber" Fruitcake
A little off topic? Perhaps. But I think it's important to note that in late 80's/early 90's WWF Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake went from being a bad-guy to a good-guy. When he did that, then-commentator turned now-governor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura started calling him Brutus "The Barber" Fruitcake. This is because Ventura always cheered for the bad guys and booed the good guys. The lesson here is that if you don't act bad every once in a while, people will go so far as to change your name to either the most-hated holiday gift, or a homosexual rendition of said name.
Was Ventura right to do so? Only you can be the judge. After all, "The Body" is now a governor... while Brutus The Barber is over-weight and out-of-work.

Part Four - Other Uses
Fruitcake doesn't have to be eaten. Most people don't even bother. Do you have a table that wobbles? Put the fruitcake under the leg. Do you have a mess of papers on your desk that blow away when you open a window? Set the fruitcake on top of them. Does your car roll back when you put it in park? Set the fruitcake behind your back wheels. The possibilities are pretty much endless here people. Did your husband go away on business and leave you feeling unsatisfied? No problem! That fruitcake can easily be your greatest love affair and, unless you film it and put it on the internet, only you and the cake would know. After all, fruitcakes are great listeners. They aren't selfish, and you won't outlive them either.

Part Five - Why Nobody Likes It
If you ask people why they don't like fruitcake, they'll usually tell you the same answer: Because it's fruitcake, goddamit!
Now, depending on where you live and who you talk to, the use of profanity may different. Some may respond with a classic Motherfucker at the end, while others insist on keeping it clean with a good ol' fashioned Gol' Darnit.
This leads us to believe that we as a society don't truly understand why we hate fruitcake. The hatred for this holiday tradition has been passed down from generation to generation much like Star Trek geeks are inclined to name their first born sons "Spock" (you don't know how fucking stupid that is). So let's all give fruitcake a chance this year. Let's put fruitcake on our Christmas Lists to Santa Claus. Let's go to parties and say things like "Gee, you know what would go great with this glass of wine? A nice slice of fruitcake, just like mama used to make!". And then, after we've all settled down in this porcelain doll utopia we can reflect upon how pathetic we are for being the only pussies on the planet who wanted to eat fruitcake.
Fruitcake is shit. Don't give it to people unless you want to be kicked in the balls (or Vag as it may be).
So if I ever give you a fruitcake, you probably shouldn't eat it. Chances are I went pee-pee in it.
Goodnight!     

Mrs. Claus Is A Total Babe

Just wait 'til she lets her hair down.

You know it's true.

When Kris Kringle started bringing toys to the dim village of Somberville, he wasn't just out to squash the plans of the evil  Burgermeister Meisterberger. No, no, au contraire mon ami, he was also looking for some lovin'.

Kringle was obviously a man of good taste, because he started putting the moves on Miss Jessica rather quickly. At first she wasn't sure of the man in the red suit giving toys away to all the good girls and boys. I imagine there's a deleted scene out there somewhere of Miss Jessica down at the police station checking up on Ol' Kringle to see if he has any kind of weird criminal record. And then when she finds out that the dude is completely clean, well, it's love. Aww, ain't that sweet.  Kind of like real life these days, eh?  You meet someone one some random hook-up site, then check to see if they have a criminal record or not.  Nobody has time these days to wait until the third year of marriage to see if their baby-daddy is an Alkie or not.

So what do you suppose it was that attracted Kris to Jessica in the first place? What made him want to say, "Hey baby, wanna be Mrs. Claus?"

The babe's got big innocent eyes, and I'm sure Kringle digs that. After all, he likes people who are true and kind, and he did come from that kind of background himself. Then there's Jessica's hips. Every man loves a woman with nice hips. And let's not forget the fact that she's a stop-go-animation puppet. So she could be put in any position Santa desires.  Some nights Santa wants to be on top and make sweet love.  Some nights, he wants to put Mrs. Claus on the naughty list.  Don't act so surprised. 

So, uh, anyway, here's to Miss Jessica (eventually Mrs. Claus), the one true babe of Christmas! 

no funny comment here.  just thinking how great of a life jolly ol' saint nick must have.

Arnold Movies - My Five Faves

With the new Terminator flick almost upon us, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on my five favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

5. Twins
The basics: Arnold discovers that Danny DeVito is his long-lost twin brother, and DeVito tries to help Arnold adapt to life in the US of A while searching for their even longer and lost-ier mommy.
Why I Effing Love It: Arnold sings "Yakety Yak, Don't Talk Back", hooks up with a straight up hot 80s blonde goddess, and mocks a poster of Stallone and Rambo III when walking down the street.  Sometimes I like to watch this movie back-to-I'll-be-back with Junior, because there are fewer things in this world better than hearing a pregnant Arnold shout, "I want to keep my baby."

4. Escape Plan
The basics: Arnold teams up with Stallone to help Sly break out of a prison that turns out to be on a ship in the middle of the ocean.
Why I Effing Love It: The two greatest action stars of all-time finally team up together, and even though they're both no longer in their prime, they still show us why they're the best.  Arnold clearly wasn't in as good of shape as Sly in this one, so he fits in well as the helper/informant man.  This movie was full of twists and surprizes, so check it out if you haven't yet.

3. Jingle All The Way
The basics: Arnold goes searching for a Turbo Man action figure for his son on Christmas Eve, after promising the boy that he'd get one for him.  He pals up with Sinbad, who is also looking for a Turbo Man, and they end up in the city's Holiday Parade as Turbo Man and Dementor.  Wow, I've seen this movie too many times.
Why I Effing Love It: Arnold satanically chants "dasher-dancer-prancer-vixen-comet-cupid-donner-blitzen" while running down the street; Arnold beats up a bunch of fake Santas.  Arnold gets a reindeer drunk.  Oh, and of course, "PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN! NOW!"

2. Kindergarten Cop
The basics: Arnold is a cop, you idiot, and he's looking for a bad guy in a nice neighborhood and the best way to do so is to pose as a kindergarten teacher...?
Why I Effing Love It: Arnold doesn't have a tumor.  Arnold one-punches domestic child abuse right out a broken family in broad daylight.  Arnold hooks up with the smokin' hot Penelope Anne Miller.  Arnold delivers the single greatest performance ever in the history of all-time of the line, "SHUUUUUUUTTTTT UPPPPPPPP!"  Arnold learns that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.


1. Commando
The basics: Arnold's daughter Jenny is stolen by an old enemy, and he must come out of retirement to go on a killing spree of bad guys to save his little girl - including killing people in hotels, on the side of the highway, in the mall (pretty sure that dude dies...), and I'm 95% certain he drives a tank down the road in this one too.  A guy I know claims that Commando is essentially a parody of Arnold movies that just so happens to star Arnold.
Why I Effing Love It: The... well... the ... uh... you know, just watch the musical.

- ryan

What Would Santa Want For Christmas?

me with Santa in the 80s

You know, at this time of the year we all get a bit greedy.  It's not all bad either.  Sometimes we get greedy about giving.  We all tend to go overboard about what we want to spoil our friends and family with in terms of gifts.

When we think about the big guy up north in the ice fortress- Santa Claus, not Superman - we always think about what he can bring us.  But, what would Santa Claus like for Christmas?

Do you suppose the elves give him gifts?
Does Mrs. Claus wait patiently under the mistletoe in some sexy Santa-themed lingerie while he's out spending an evening in a bunch of chimneys?

When I told my daughter that we leave milk and cookies for the jolly fat man, she decided that Santa might like a new coffee cup instead.  When we go visit Santa at the mall for overpriced photos this weekend, she's going to bring him a new coffee cup as a gift.  Sure, we'll probably cheap out and get him one from the dollar store but we're really just interested in seeing the look on Santa's face when someone gives him a gift for a change. 

It was my daughter's coffee cup idea that prompted me to come up with today's blog.  When we think of thoughtful gifts, it turns out that Santa is actually kind of tough to shop for.  Almost like most of our fathers - Santa probably has everything he needs.

Greatest Christmas album ever

Oh, and other than delivering presents on Christmas Eve we don't really know what else Santa does with the rest of his time.  Think about it, the elves make the toys for him.  I don't believe he spends 364 days looking at the naughty-or-nice list.  That would be a bit obsessive for anybody.  He might as well memorize the phone book.

So I've put together a list of things Santa might want for Christmas.  Well, if I were Santa anyway...

•  a new stereo for the sleigh - one with a port for his iPod, so he can listen to the Hanson Christmas album while delivering presents
• a Tide To Go stick, for when some of those chimneys get his red suit to sooty. 
• Just For Men Mustache & Beard, to give him a bit of a younger feel for the summer
• some Nesquik, because regular milk and cookies must get boring after the hundredth serving.

...and that's really all I got.  Like I said, we don't really know Santa all that well outside of his Christmastime activities.  For all we know, Santa might be an amazing Backgammon player.  Or maybe he likes fly fishing.  Or he's a hobbyist photographer.  Or a knitting enthusiast.

Could it be possible that Santa is a stamp collector?

No matter.  I'm sure Santa would be happy with whatever gift he receives.

And if not, he can just re-gift to one of the millions of children in the world.  And you'd never know.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Top 11 Movies That Are Really Christmas Movies

It's time to take a look back at eleven movies we love that we may not have realized were actually Christmas movies all along.  Just because there ain't no flying reindeer, contracts to make you Santa Claus (no E), or comedians dressed up as elves doesn't mean these aren't great Holiday classics in their own right. 

11. I Am Legend (2007)
Will Smith is alone with his dog in a world that was destroyed by disease... or something.  It was so long ago that I watched this movie.   Anyway, the genocide took place on Christmas Day so if you really don't like Christmas then this is the best place to start.
10. Trading Places (1983)
The classic comedy that features Eddie Murphy getting rich on Dan Aykroyd's money during the holiday season.  At the end of the day, who hasn't spent a little bit of Aykroyd's money at some point in their lives?
9. Mean Girls (2004)
Alright, this one takes place over an entire school year, but who could forget that little holiday assembly number featuring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams in slutty Santa costumes?  Add in the fact that they probably just turned 18 at that point, and you've got a film worthy of roasting your chestnuts over.

They don't look so mean...

8. The Ref (1994)
Dennis Leary robs your house and ends up smelling like cat piss for 90+ minutes.  It's a decent comedy, and I'm not just saying that because Leary is a huge Bruins fan too. 
7. Just Friends (2005)
What happens when the fat kid comes home and turns out to be rich, attractive, and really annoying?  If you're a chick, it probably doesn't matter much so long as he looks like Ryan Reynolds.  That guy could make sweet love to all the women in a room before getting all the way in the door.
6. Trapped In Paradise (1994)
Nicolas Cage normally doesn't make good movies, but thanks to Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey, he's got a funny hit on his hands.  This is the tale of three bank robbers on Christmas Eve who end up breaking back into the bank to put the money back when Nicolas Cage has a change of heart.

Everybody can change!

5. Lethal Weapon (1987)
Celebrate the birth of Christ with Mel Gibson 15 years before that "Passion" film!  And also, I just recently learned that Danny Glover's "Too Old For This Shit" house is the same house that the annoying neighbors in National Lampoons' Christmas Vacation live in.  Well, sonofabitch!
4. Rocky IV (1985)
The greatest fight in history, Rocky Balboa versus Ivan Drago, brings east and west together.  If Rocky can change, and YOU can change, then everybody can change... and it all goes down in Russia on Christmas Day!
3. Batman Returns (1992)
Leave it to Tim Burton to associate Christmas with people dressed up as bats, cats, and penguins.  And Christopher Walken.  That guy just screams Christmastime. 
2. Die Hard (1988)
Truth be told: I never liked Bruce Willis until I saw The Whole Nine Yards and heard his mayonnaise rant.  When I saw Die Hard, and Willis saved the day in his bare feet, I could finally appreciate him as an action hero.  Yippi-ki-yay, mother fucker.
1. Gremlins (1984)
Don't put them in the light... don't get them wet... and don't fucking feed them after midnight!  From the opening sequence with my very favorite Christmas song of all time ("Christmas [Baby, Please Come Home]" by Darlene Love) to the multi-Gremlin massacre around the Christmas Tree... this is just a pure gem.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

awwwww... his buddies are gonna tear up the city.

Undercover Santa

Undercover Santa
A classic, silly Christmas song, by yours truly with the help of Johnny San.

All I Want For Christmas...

...is just a little bit of thoughtfulness.

Long Live Ryan.

Where did the excitement go when it comes to Christmas presents?

Remember when you were a kid, and for some of you I'm sure it wasn't that long ago, there was always one present you opened on Christmas Day that was a big surprise?  I'm not talking about that one special item you put on top of your list to Santa (ie Uncle Jesse action figure) and you waited patiently for it until the 25th of December.

I'm talking about that one very thoughtful gift you never knew you wanted, but when you received it you couldn't possibly have ever lived without it before.

It seems we're all so concerned about filling someone's list.  Checking off items to appease each other and keep each other happy.  Or maybe because it's just easier that way.

Case in point - my dad visited me the other day while I was working.  I had casually mentioned to him the day before that I'd like to have Bob Saget's book, "Dirty Daddy".  This was our conversation:

"Hi son.  That book... what section of the bookstore is it in?"

"Comedy."

"Good good.  Do you know how much it is?"

"I dunno. Probably twenty-five bucks or so."

"Good... so listen, if Dana asks you what you want for Christmas... don't let her get you that book."

"B" is for thoughtfulness.

And so, just like that, I knew exactly what I'm getting for Christmas this year.

When I first moved out on my own, that first Christmas away, my parents wrapped up a box of pancake mix and a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup.  It was one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given and I still think about it today.  I didn't need fancy electronics or new jeans.  I need some goddam pancakes.

I actually spend too much time doing my Christmas shopping.  I rarely just grab something off the shelf just because it's the $9.99 price point and easy to wrap.  I said "rarely" because there is one person I have to shop for that every year I go out of my way to buy them the stupidest, most pointless thing I can find... but even that takes a bit of thoughtfulness.  Seriously, I put a lot of thought into buying something pointless (to me) and they end up loving it every year.

Even my wonderful wife is guilty of checking off items on a list.  She'll ask me what I want and then tell me I'm very difficult to shop for.  In all truth, I am the type of person who will just go and buy something if I want it.  I'm a very spur-of-the-moment consumer.  This is no joke, if there's a package of peanut butter cups by the cash register I'll buy it.  If there's something Aerosmith-related by the cash register and I don't already have it, I'll buy six of them.  If I already have it, I might just grab one in case my house gets broken in to  and that item is stolen before I can get home.

But I always tell my lovely wife how easy I am to shop for.  I'm a marketer's dream.  Just slap a Bruins "B" or the Aerosmith "A" or a Superman "S" on a cup, keychain, drum sticks, bottle opener, or nuclear warhead and I'll love it as a gift.  Now that I put that to writing, I might just be a sucker for things with a letter associated in their logo.
Note: I have a pair of Aerosmith drum sticks but I do not own a drum kit, nor do I know how to play that instrument.  I can see them from where I'm sitting in my Fan Cave, and though I know they have no use to me whatsoever I love them dearly.

I drawed this up real good.

I also like stars and the color pink.  A gift for me could be pink underwear.  Or underwear with stars as a pattern.  Or... now get this... pink underwear with stars on them!  Now that I've made those three suggestions, I kinda hope I don't end up with any of those as gifts - that would be just like checking it off a list of something I have almost predetermined myself to have. 

Also, it's a well known fact that I like to draw.  A gift for me could be a new sketchbook.  Or some pencils.  Or a beautiful naked woman that will live in my basement and act as a model for me whenever I feel like drawing.  She could live off a diet of spaghetti and water.  I'm sure she would like it.  And I'm pretty sure that isn't illegal if it's a gift.  I don't really know.

So, in closing, all I really want for Christmas is some thoughtfulness.  And an Uncle Jesse action figure.

- ryan

Santa Was A Jerk To Rudolph

What an arse.

I just recently re-watched the Rankin-Bass classic Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, as I always tend to do this time of year. One thing that really stuck out was just how much Hermey the Dentist looks like Conan O'Brien. But that's not what we're here to talk about today. We're here to talk about the rude jerk-hole treatment Rudolph took from one Mr. Santa Claus.

When Rudolph was born with that glowing red schnoz, even his own daddy didn't like it. Well, it's common for parents to find faults in their children.Just look at your own kids. You'll find all kinds of faults in their perfect little faces.  This one time, I was watching a Bruins vs Leafs game with Ryleigh and she said, "Daddy, I just want the blue team to win."  See, nobody's perfect.

But in Rudolph's case, even Santa took pot shots at the lil' baby reindeer right after he was born. If that wasn't enough, Santa went on to tell Donner that he should "be ashamed of himself". Wow... Santa can be pretty harsh. Must be all the pre-Christmas stress.

But when Santa needs Rudolph's help, his attitude changes completely. Santa never went out in the cold looking for Rudolph. He didn't square off against The Snow Monster. Nope. No sir. Ah, but that beautiful glowing red nose can see through a snowstorm... way to go Santa. He doesn't want Rudolph as a friend. He just wants another minion. I'm 92% sure that Santa only stopped by the Island of Misfit toys because he was short on his production quota, no thanks to a certain Conan O'Brien look-a-like leaving to be a dentist.

So the next time you watch this holiday classic, keep an eye out for Santa. He might be out to use you next.

Oh, and if you're a big nerd like me, pay attention to Hermey and you'll realize he has the same voice as Peter Parker/Spider-Man from the 1960s cartoon!

- ryan of the ryan fan club 

Patrick (The Suicidal Christmas Elf)

...I started coming up with this random song the other day for a complete stranger.  She turned out to be a representative working for Mental Health, and besides finding me fascinating she thought I also had a killer smile.  Killer, in that handsome way.  Not in such a way that I was going to kill her.  That would have been awkward.

So I decided to actually write a full set of lyrics.  Imagine a folk song playing along.  Check it out.

Patrick (The Suicidal Christmas Elf)
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Chorus:

*artist's rendering

Oh, he tried to hang himself with garland
He attempted to slice his wrists with candy canes
He's tried about a hundred ways to kill himself
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf

Oh, once upon a time in the far north pole
Amongst the reindeer and jolly Ol' Saint Nick
Was an elf who always checked his death wish list twice
The smiling, laughing, full of cheer Patrick
Until the day when his Christmas spirit dwindled
And he drank too much Egg Nog before his sleigh ride
Then he picked a knife fight with three wise men
And so began his advent calendar of suicide

Chorus

Well, Patrick always had bad Mondays
But then came the Tuesday he went loco
All the other toy makers were quite shocked to find
That he poisoned his own cup of hot cocoa
So what made his Blue Christmas turn red?
And why'd he try to blow up his gingerbread home?
If being a toy making elf didn't work out
Perhaps he could get work as a garden gnome

*artist's rendering

Chorus

Well, Patrick had the eyes for Santa's daughter
Her name was Jingle Belle and she was so pretty
But Patrick's heart froze when he saw his friend
Laying Jingle Belle under the Christmas tree

Chorus

For a while he was fixated on asphyxiation
He's also tried bazookas and the kitchen knife
Of all the times he's tried with no success
Is he really that poor at taking his own life?

Oh, he tried to hang himself with garland
He attempted to slice his wrists with candy canes
He's tried about a hundred ways to kill himself
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Ohhhhhhhhh, he even tried suffocation with a stocking
He let himself be crushed with the shop's toy shelf
But that pointy eared bastard's still alive and well
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Yes, Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Oh Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf

And he still ain't dead.

My Christmas Wish List 2014

We're friends Santa... for now.

As those kids in the Peanuts gang say, Christmas Time Is Here!

And that means another round of items on Christmas Wish List!  Over the years I've asked for a few things from Santa Claus that weren't available in any department store.  I asked for a Stanley Cup in Boston at Christmas 2010, and they Bruins won one in 2011.  I've also asked for things to come out on DVD, and Santa made that happen for me.

I've also asked, repeatedly, for an Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been asking for that doll on the top of my list for about ten years now, with no avail.  So I've decided this year not to ask for it.  That's right, I'm giving up on the one Christmas present that would fill me with yuletide cheer.  I guess it's just time to move on.

So here's my special list for Christmas 2014:

Born To Ride

John Stamos Is Born To Ride on Blu-Ray
If I can't get an elusive Uncle Jesse doll from Santa then I want the next best thing.  It's the greatest movie of all-time that has never been released on DVD or Blu-Ray.  And I kinda accidentally taped over my VHS copy of it while trying to convert it to digital.  So there you go Santa, to get my Stamos fix this holiday, how about Born To Ride on Blu-Ray?  If you've never seen this classic film, it's almost like imagining Uncle Jesse has traveled back into the past to find love in the war-time.  Yep, I can't make that one up Santa.
And while you're at it, how about hooking us up with a Blu-Ray of Never Too Young To Die?

A Night Of Manly Drinking With My Not-Yet-Best-Friend Nick Miller

Nick Friggin' Miller

I have recently become hooked on that show, New Girl, and let me tell you something: Nick Miller might just be the greatest man in the world.  I'd seriously like to hang out with this guy and get drunk with him while watching football.  And I don't even like football all that much.  I would call it a man-crush or anything like that.  It's more like Nick Miller is the dude I'd like to see myself becoming.  And the best way to do that is over a few manly drinks.  Santa, make it happen.

Johnny Boychuk Back In Boston
I think my favorite team made a huge mistake when they traded one of their most reliable defensemen  away this year.  Boychuk throws the body, scores goals, and uplifts the team's morale.  Since he's been gone, my Bruins just haven't had much of an identity.  And hey, if you glance closely at him, sometimes he looks a little like Bobby Orr.  Come on Bruins, BRING BACK BOYCHUK!  Santa, you need to get involved in this.

We miss you, good sir.  Sincerely, the fans.

A Sweet Kiss From Miss Taylor Swift.

Mmmmmmm

...and by "kiss" I actually mean rough, dirty, sweaty, nasty, morally unsure, ass-to-mouth, consensual, naked lovin'.  Even if it only lasts the usual twelve minutes.
'Cause the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate... and the 'baiters gonna bait, bait, bait, bait, bait....
But what if she then somehow fell hopelessly in love with me?  Let's not kid ourselves here, Santa, I don't have any intention of marrying Taylor Swift and growing old with her.  I just wanna do the dirty stuff with her because she kinda looks a bit like my favorite porn star.  Oh, and I'd like to tell all my friends about afterward too.  So if you can't make this one happen, I guess I'll understand.

A GODDAM UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE...
FUCK IT, I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO!   AND SINCE I'VE WAITED SO PATIENTLY, I WANT THE WHOLE TANNER FAMILY NOW TOO.   FUCK YOU SANTA CLAUS!  FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING EGG NOG!  WHY IS THERE NEVER AN UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE?  I'M A GOOD MAN.  I PAY MY TAXES.  I BRUSH MY TEETH.  I WEAR DEODORANT.  I SMILE AT STRANGERS - AND NOT JUST THE SEXY WOMEN I'D LIKE TO SLEEP WITH EITHER.  I'M NICE TO THE WEIRDOS ON THE BUS WHO PICK GUNK OUT OF THEIR EARS WITH THEIR KEYS!  GODDAMMIT!  HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A PLASTIC REPLICA OF THE SINGLE GREATEST HUMAN BEING THAT EVER HAD A NUMBER ONE HIT IN JAPAN FOR COVERING A BEACH BOYS SONG?  IS IT BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE?  I BET THAT'S IT.  SANTA, ARE YOU PUNISHING ME BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE A FRIGGING CAR?  FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
HAVE MERCY, SANTA.  HAVE.  FUCKING.  MERCY.
(and if it's not too much trouble, could I PLEASE just have an Uncle Jesse doll this year?)

- ryan of the ryan fan club

We can always get another kitchen.  We can never get another Stephanie.  Or apparently an Uncle Jesse Doll.

A Year Without Santa?

...back in 1974, the animating team of Rankin-Bass gave us a Christmas special titled, "The Year Without A Santa Claus."  It detailed an adventure of Santa being too sick to deliver presents to all the girls and boys, so he had to stay home.  It was a neat little show with awful songs but that classic stop-motion animation that made Rudolph such a classic.  In the end, Santa is all better and Christmas goes off without a hitch the next year.  It's kind of like the year the NHLPA was on strike and the Stanley Cup was won by nobody. 

So today I'd like to take that notion of a year without Santa just a little further.  Let's assume that some other characters from our favorite Christmas specials had to take over for the jolly red man after they learned the true meaning of Christmas.  Remember that Tim Allen movie, "The Santa Clause?"  I don't remember all of it, but I'm pretty sure the jist of it is that Tim The Tool-Man Taylor kills Santa in cold blood and then has to don the red suit and sleigh and go on a murdering spree in his absence.  Let's use our imaginations...

Skeletor

Awwwww.

...there was no bigger Christmas miracle than the one realized by Skeletor.  So what did the evil lord of destruction do with his Christmas holidays after he helped He-Man defeat Horde Prime?  Well, we can only assume that Skeletor was instrumental in sending those bratty kids back to Earth.  Then, it only makes sense that he went caroling all across Eternia.  Just imagine your favorite Christmas songs, but with vocals like Axl Rose.  Then, Skelly Claus would have to deliver presents and drink hot cocoa with Granymyr.  I think it's safe to assume that Beast Man got that Easy Bake Oven he's always wanted.

Pee-Wee Herman
...when the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas special ends, we're left we seeing Pee-Wee flying off to help Santa Claus deliver all those presents.  But what happened after that?  I have a striking feeling that when Mr. Herman returned to the Playhouse, he had a new found respect for what Santa does.  But knowing Pee-Wee, he probably had all of his guests start prepping for the next Holiday Season.  We're talking slave labor here.  Hell, he practically had to stop a union from forming with Frankie & Annette.  Couldn't you just see Miss Yvonne sewing purses by the hundreds?  Or Cowboy Curtis painting toy train sets for all the little boys?  If there's anything I'm certain of, it's that Pee-Wee Herman could bring order and procedure to the Holidays.

Know what I mean?

Ernest P. Worrell
...we actually know what Ernest did after his antics in Ernest Saves Christmas.  He went to jail, got scared stupid, and even went to Africa.  But what about the little girl, Harmony, who learned the real value of Christmas?  If we go the darker route, and assume that people never truly change (even those truly touched by Christmas miracles) then we have to believe in our heart of hearts that she went back to living on the streets, selling her body for Canadian Tire money, and doing smack.  Which brings us to...

Rob Ford
...okay, let's be honest here... I'm just throwing this in here because everyone else is making Rob Ford jokes and I want to be one of the cool kids too.  Something about crack... lying... videos... the Toronto Maple Leafs still suck... whatever.  Let's laugh and move on.

Charlie Brown
...after Charlie Brown is taught the true meaning of Christmas from Linus, the two of them embark on a journey of going door-to-door to teach everyone else all about the events of December 25th.  Eventually they realize they're just as bad as Jehovah's Witnesses and decided to go hunting a great pumpkin instead.

Mr. Grinch

"...and this is how all the good whos go poo-poo."

....sometimes miracles can go too far.  The Grinch went from evil, maniacal, madman to Whoville's hero in a matter of hours.  Sure, he returned their Who-bonkers and their Who-crackers, and then he carved the roast beast (oh yes, that seemingly magical animal that never diminishes no matter how many slices you take off).  But then what?  Well, the Grinch could have only been so fueled with Christmas cheer that he made every day like Christmas Day.  Every day those little Whos would open their mailboxes to find Christmas cards.  And presents.  And eggnog.  But the final straw would be the day that the Grinch invited all the local Whos to sit on his lap.  And that would result in his exile from Whoville.  Forever.

So there we have it folks.  A look into "what might have been" territory.  So let's try our best to just cherish our favorite Christmas specials for what they are, and not what they eventually would have become.

- ryan

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2013

 
...before you know it Christmas will be here.  It's that time of year when we all greedily ask for as much loot as possible.  We give gifts, we get gifts, and we ultimately hope that the crappy stuff still has a UPC code on it so we can take it back anywhere in hopes of store credit.  Every year someone gives me a pair of pajama pants that I'd never wear and I exchange them for some useful socks or underwear.  And don't try to say, "it's the thought that counts," because if you don't do the same thing then you find yourself putting those gifts into a box for donation to the Salvation Army.  Admit it, I'm right.

I'm at the point in my life where if I want something, I just go get it.  If I want Man Of Steel on Blu-Ray, I just go buy it.  In the mood for a beer?  I go get one.  Got a hole in my socks?  I'll just grab a few pair while I'm buying groceries.

So every year I put together my Christmas Wish List, asking for things that I wouldn't just be able to pick up on my way home.  Some things have actually come true - the Ruby Spears Superman show on DVD, a new Aerosmith album, a Stanley Cup for the Boston Bruins - buy I'm still waiting to see Bionic Six on DVD.  And of course, the ever eluding...

Uncle Jesse doll - this is the last year.
...every year, at the very top of my list, is always the rockin' Uncle Jesse doll.  Yes, this thing exists.  In the early 90s you could either get Uncle Jesse on his own, or in a collection with Aunt Becky and the twins.  There's also a pack that features Danny and the girls.  Honestly, I'd like to have the entire collection of these things, but the rockin' Uncle Jesse doll is truly the holy grail of them all.  I've been hyping this toy up for years and years, and I'd surely take it with me wherever I went.  Just like I was a little girl again.
However, as a grown man now, I feel it's time that 2013 is the make-it-or-break-it year for the Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been a good boy all these years.  So I've come to one simple conclusion: If I don't get an Uncle Jesse doll this year, then there really is no Santa Claus.  I hate to be so extreme, but this could really be a life-changing lesson.  So, if you the reader truly believe in Christmas miracles, you'll find some way to help make this happen.
Note: There was a mail-away Joey Gladstone doll too.
See the whole Tanner family here - http://twinsonline.tripod.com/pictures/family.jpg

Mr. T's Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool on Blu-Ray
...if you've never seen this movie, it's really quite a gem.  I have it on VHS and at one point I converted it to DVD for myself and a few friends who share my appreciation of it.  In little segments, Mr. T teaches us about being ourselves - including saying no to drugs, being frustrated, not being a little fat kid, and how to treat our mothers right.  Hell, there's even a music video featuring Bobby Brown and New Edition.  This flick truly needs the hi-definition treatment.  There could be a second disc that features a remastered soudtrack, as well as a Mr. T commentary track, and a "Where Are They Now?" segment focusing on what those kids are doing today.  Naturally, this 3-disc set would also include a standard definition DVD and digital download, and a 48-page full-color booklet with many behind the scenes photos.  The Best Buy exclusive edition could come with a poster or a Mr. T action figure.
Never seen it?  Check it out here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv0m1YzRu4M

The Real Guns N' Roses Back Together
...Slash... Axl... Dufff... that's really what the world needs right now.  I know it will NEVER happen, and that's why it would be a true Christmas miracle.  Sure, there's also the part of me that knows GnFnR are the greatest rock band of all time because of the way they burnt out before they could fade away.  That's part of what makes us still think so fondly of them.  They never had a "Fat Elvis" phase, or the "touring the greatest hits for 9 years" tour.  So maybe what we need is for the powers that be to unearth some rare, unreleased tracks from the Gunners.  That might be the best we'd ever get.  And it would still be awesome.
Something like this, maybe? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfG87P7SEAg

Masters Of The Universe #12
...I had this comic when I was eight years old.  It was pretty fucking epic.  Skeletor has taken over Eternia and Castle Greyskull.  He-Man is nowhere to be found, and thus pronounced dead.  The rest of the Masters of the Universe have to try and reclaim Eternia, and hopefully bring back He-Man!
You can read it here -http://www.he-man.org/publishing/item.php?id=474


And that's that!  I don't ask for much.

- ryan